My beautiful baby girl was stillborn

[3littlebadgers]

I am struggling so much right now, two weeks ago today my beautiful baby girl was stillborn. I had stop start labour for over a week and then I went in to hospital with reduced movements and they couldn't find her heartbeat. I still hear my screams in my head. I went into labour naturally, and they broke my waters.
I just feel in such a dark and lonely place right now. I keep getting emails telling me what my two week old should be doing, my pregnancy and baby magazines keep coming through the door and all I want is to hold her. I just want to hold my baby.
Please can someone tell me what to do? How can I stop feeling this way? I don't want to forget her I just want to be able to function. I just want to be there for my other children without feeling guilty that I am not with her too.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful, precious little girl 3littlebadgers, I can't even begin to imagine how much pain you feel at the moment, I really hope you find the strength to cope with this difficult time.

I have friends who have found SANDS helpful in similar circumstances. www.uk-sands.org/support

So sorry for your loss x

So very very sorry for your loss.
2 weeks is no time at all. Grieving is such a personal thing, you can only feel how you feel at any one moment. Please try not to put pressure on yourself to 'recover' somehow, as if that was even possible.

You will find, in the end, a new normal, a new daily existence, one where she is with you in your memory all the time, and you will be able to smile again at that memory. Take your time, lean on others if you can.

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Sendin you a big hug.

Oh my darling I'm so very sorry - there really are no words in tragedies like this.

Thinking of you. xx

Minmooch thank you for your words and I am so sorry about all of your beautiful children. I hope I have your strength and positive outlook in time. You are an inspiration

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. My son was stillborn 2.5 years ago and just reading your post brought back the pain. As trite as it sounds, it just takes time as you learn to adjust to your "new normal". You will never forget your beautiful, precious daughter x

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this.

I know it's very different but I had a tfmr at 22 weeks in January so I have experienced baby loss (everyone's experience is different)

Have you had any contact with sands? They are a wonderful charity and do fantastic groups and befriending for women who have suffered still birth and neonatal death.

I have also found seeing a specialist counsellor very helpful. I see someone who specifically deals with people who have suffered still birth, neonatal death and infertility. I think as time goes on you need someone who understands the difference between grieving for a person you knew, like a grandparent or a parent etc, and a baby that you never got a chance to know but loved all the same.

Let yourself feel whatever it is you need to at that time.

Have you named your baby? Do you have a memory box? These are some of the small things that get me through.

It is truly a horrific thing to happen and there really is nothing anyone can say. I do understand a little bit.

Hugs x don't worry about what you should be feeling just get through each day as best as you can. Things will get easier though that is hard to believe right now. Surround yourself with people who love you and your family. You a strong you will find a way through

She sounds like such a perfect little girl. I'm so sad that she was still born. Please don't blame yourself. If you contact the hospital your midwife or your gp they can refer you to someone to talk to about this. They can't take away the pain but they can help with strategies to manage it xxx

I have two memory boxes, one that the hospital gave us, with her things in, her foot and hand prints, a lock of her hair, hospital tag, baby grow, blanket and a candle. And the other one has things from her and my pregnancy in, my favourite top, scan pictures and a few things that remind me of her. They help I know I am lucky to have them. I love to smell her things but I know one day the smell will fade and that thought kills me. Can I ask the parents who have been through this, how long it was before you could do normal things without fear? So far I haven't managed to turn the TV on for example, the thought of it terrifies me. On the school run we see signs for the hospital and I can feel the panic in my chest just at the name. I want things to be more normal for the children, I don't want them to remember mummy as the crazy crying lady.

3 - my heart aches for you

I have a friend who went through exactly the same last year. I spoke very briefly to her today and she seconds the advice re: sands when you are ready. She also received huge support from the consultant who was involved with her birth. I hope you have people to provide you with this

Do you have anyone to help with your other little ones? I think you need to treat this time as your time to bond with and remember DD. Just as if she was still here. I hope you don't have to rush it. If you are anywhere in the north west, I will do anything I can to help you.

Thank you, I'm originally from the NW but now live in the south. I called SANDS but just couldn't bring myself to leave a message yet. It is so hard to say out loud, I almost feel like I'm admitting to an alcohol problem at an aa meeting or something. Maybe I will try again tomorrow.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling but I just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly brave & I really wish you all the best - you will get through this. Your little girl may not be here physically but she will always be in your heart & nothing can take that away.

Massive hugs for you x

Please go on to SANDS forum. You can read other peoples stories and when you are ready you can share your daughter amongst those who understand.

I do hope you can find the help that works for you badgers, but it is such early days.

Think of you often minmooch.

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl.

If you need to chat please pm me. I know what you're going through; my son was stillborn on Christmas Day just gone. It has been the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me and my DH and I got through the first few weeks in a daze of diazepam. I'm afraid I don't have much advice as I'm still struggling through myself but be kind to yourself. Let people help you.

How are you today badgers?

On a practical level; are you able to eat and sleep properly atm? If not think about a trip to the gp.

I found I had a permanent headache from the day we had our bad scan for over a month. I thought it was stress then the medication I'd had to induce labour and the painkillers. I saw the gp and she said definitely tension, she gave me beta blockers which worked a treat. I found it much easier to deal with life and grief when I didn't have a headache I couldn't think through.

3littlebadgers I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

20 months ago I also lost my pfb son, I stopped feeling him move, only to go into hospital where they couldn't find his heartbeat. It was the most devastating thing me and DH went through. I spent the first few months afterwards not really doing anything, so I understand your struggles to even switch the tv on. I clung on to DH, all confidence was lost and my personality changed. The one thing I am glad of was that I let myself grieve, let the tears come even if that meant spending a day in bed with my sons blanket and baby grow.

This will change you forever but you will get through it. Don't rush it and let yourself feel. Nearly 2 years on and I am leading a normal life, my baby is still a big part of my life, I talk about him to others and family talk to me about him. The Sands forum is great for advice and to just read about other people's expereinces.

Don't forget you are entitled to full maternity benefits.

I am struggling a bit today, DH back at work for the first time, and I am trying to keep busy with my children but all the time I feel guilty I'm not with my baby. I know she doesn't but my body and mind keep trying to convince me she needs me more than they do. I have a midwife coming today so I will talk to her about it. Thanks for all the support

Oh Badgers must be really tough not to have your DH there. Glad you have a MW coming and I hope it helps to talk.

Midwife has been, but I couldn't say anything to her, as my children were around and all they want is normal mummy back again. I kept it all in and pretended I was doing fine. When she was leaving my insides were screaming out that I wasn't fine and desperate to talk but outside I just looked normal. Now I feel guilty as when she left I asked the children why they couldn't just let me talk to her and my daughter started to cry. I know they have been through so much too. I am just struggling with it all.

Oh badgers, that's really tough. I know what you mean about being normal mummy but you do need to give yourself some time.

Is there anyone around who can look after them for a few hours while you have a scream and a cry?

Maybe it's worth calling the midwife back and asking for a chat when the kids aren't around.

I turned down my mw visit as I'd never met her and didn't think it would be useful, I did, however, have the screening midwives that I could call and speak to which made a difference.

It's so hard, please be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I'm 2 months on and no where near 'normal yet'.

I'm so sorry 3badgers, it must ne so difficult for you. Is your midwife coming back soon? Would it help to write down how you are feeling and give it to her next time she comes so she can help by accessing further support for you?