Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2 3

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

What to do with the ashes...

57 replies

jmg1 · 17/04/2004 17:41

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

Report

hercules · 17/04/2004 18:00

No experience of this. it seems a real shame that they arent somewhere where you can all visit without having to go to someones home. I do think you should say something to her at least for the sake of the kids. When they are older especially it will be good for them to have somewhere to visit and she will hopefully understand that.

twiglett · 17/04/2004 18:04

message withdrawn

Janh · 17/04/2004 18:05

No experience here either. How difficult for you, jmg. Was your partner her only child? Is she on her own? I wondered if there might be someone else you could rope in to talk to her about it.

As you had an agreement she is wrong to do this but presumably it was just verbal? Keeping the ashes in her flat is a bit weird...was she peculiar before? Hard to know how you can handle her without knowing what sort of person she is.

maisystar · 17/04/2004 18:06

hi, perhaps you could plant a tree or a plant, somewhere where your kids could maybe visit on their own when their older. then suggest to your partners mum that this could be where the ashes are buried when shes ready? it does seem unfair that she wants to keep them at home but it sounds as tho she might dig her heels in if she feels they are being 'taken away' from her.

Tinker · 17/04/2004 18:08

What a difficult situation. Do you know anyone who could act as a go-between. A friend of your partner's who knows her mother as well? Is there the chance it could get too heated and emotional if you talk to her mother? I too know of people who split the ashes up. Hope this resolves itself.

littlemissbossy · 17/04/2004 18:33

hi jmg1, my dh lost his partner (they had 2 children) and had a similar experience with his 'outlaws'. The outlaws wanted to have a memorial bench (which was a lovely idea) but somewhere, many, many miles away, that they used to take their daughter to when she was a child. My dh had, however, agreed with his partner before she died that her ashes would be scattered at the local church and a tree or something similar planted instead. You're now finding yourself in the same situation as my dh was and it was 2 years after his partner's death before the matter of her ashes was resolved. In the end, after much pushing on my dh's side to get the situation sorted, it was agreed to split the ashes, so that both sides were happy and my dh had a rose tree planted. The problem for your partner's mother is probably that's she's so desperate to keep her daughter's memory alive that she thinks(as the outlaws did) by keeping the ashes in her home, her daughter is still close to her. The way in which my dh discussed this with her parents was that no matter how long they kept the ashes, this would just prolong the agony. Whether she keeps them for another month or another 10 years the actual scattering could be quite traumatic for both of you. The other reason he gave them was that it was important that the children knew that there was somewhere to visit particularly in years to come ... they all get to a point when they want answers to the questions... and it is vital for your children to know that when she died, you (and grandma) both cared enough for their mum to have found her a special resting place. This is a really difficult situation but I hope that you can speak to her and get this sorted out, perhaps you could go to her with some ideas, i.e. have the paperwork at hand? HTH

goosey · 17/04/2004 18:45

My daddy died when I was 3 and your post jmg1 has made me realise that I have never been to where his ashes are. I know that he was cremated in a nearby place and that his ashes were scattered in the churchyard there somewhere, but going to see them just wasn't something that we ever did. I am 37 and this is the first time - on reading your post - that I have ever really thought about this. I admit that it has made me want to go and have a 'chat' with him and let him see what his little girl looks like now.
My mum always talked about him when my younger sister and I were growing up, and I always felt 'loved' by him even though he wasn't there -simply because my mum never stopped telling me that my dad loved me and was proud of me and my acheivements. hether this was a conscious decision on her part or not I don't know, but I am sure that I would have been confused at such a young age by the idea of my daddy's 'ashes' as he was very much a reality in my life through the way my mum talked about him even though he wasn't there iykwim.

israel · 17/04/2004 18:51

.......Dear jmg1....ashes of a person mean different things to different people,but this does need resolving. Her mother probable needs time....talk to her and set a date in the future where she feels comfortable. Sometimes these things can't be rushed. It may even take years. Better earlier than later though. Like others have said she may want to keep some to do with what she wants. But you all loved this person and you need to do something together.
My mothers ashes sat on the kitchen unit for over a year....I have to smile here because my mother's favourite place was never the kitchen!
I have 6 brothers and because her death had been such a shock nobody could come to finally let her go. One lovely sunny day over a year later my father and I took her ashes to a favourite place of hers...a picnic area with a river...we let them go here and we could always go and visit this place which held such happy memories.
Last September my father died and his ashes have been sitting in a garage of my brothers...we are waiting for a beautiful day in the summer when we can go and put them with my mothers. All my brothers will not be there, as his ashes don't mean the same to some.
To me it's a kind of finalisation...of finally letting go.....maybe your partners mother will never be able to do this. Maybe she will keep some with her for comfort....but it would be nice for you and your children to have a lovely place to go to remember your partner and their mum, together.
I hope this may somehow help you in your decision.

jmg1 · 17/04/2004 20:25

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

hercules · 17/04/2004 20:27

Glad to see you are finding support from mumsnet jmg. You deserve some happiness.

Janh · 17/04/2004 20:37

From reading the other posts keeping the ashes in the house isn't as weird as I thought...littlemissbossy's post is very helpful in understanding the feelings involved.

You say you've moved now - is it a long way from where you used to live? Only I wondered if there was a place nearby that your partner liked, that you could choose to be the place where you go to remember her, until her mother lets the ashes (or some of them) go.

Where we live there is a woodland cemetery - some people are buried there, some people have their ashes scattered, there are memorial benches, it is a beautiful quiet place, if there is anything like that near you could you start taking the children there to think about and talk about Mummy? Until you are sorted out? (There is a tree too for people who have lost babies at any stage to tie their names to branches. It's a very contemplative place.)

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, jmg, you must be an incredibly strong person. I hope you can get things arranged and start to move on.

jmg1 · 17/04/2004 20:56

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 17/04/2004 21:11

Jmg, I don't see why you couldn't split the ashes, scattering them at a local place sounds like a great idea to me. Although I suppose you don't actually need the ashes to have a special place to remember her: you could arrange a bench or whatever anyway and tell the children that it was a place she loved and a place you can all go to remember. We scattered most of my dad's ashes where he'd asked us to but my sister still has some to scatter at a later date (the idea was to scatter them in the grounds of The Four Seasons Hotel in Singapore which was a favourite haunt of his when he lived there but it hasn't happened yet) - I think the idea is that we do at some point. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry your MIL isn't being more supportive, I suppose it's early days in the grieving process for all of you though. I'm glad mumsnet is helping, keep posting if it helps. Maybe you ought to have a think about what you'll say if she does show the cask to the children. Or, if you strongly feel that you don't want them to be shown it then talk to her about it.

jmg1 · 17/04/2004 21:16

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 17/04/2004 21:41

You have to ask her to respect your and her daughter's wishes then jmg. I do see why you wouldn't want her to do it.

littlemissbossy · 17/04/2004 21:57

hi jmg1, you obviously don't have good relationship with your partner's mother and, by your own admission, she didn't trust her either ... so this is going to be hard for you to negotiate with her, which is what you're basically going to have to do. But, I would certainly work on the sharing ashes if possible. How come she got the ashes and you didn't? Sorry ... I just don't know how that works. You've had a s**t time with all of this ... and it's about time she realised this instead of feeling sorry for herself. Go ahead and choose a place that your partner found special, or, that your children find special now. Make these plans and than speak to her, if she doesn't play ball ... well I don't know what the legal angle is ... you could always try citizen advice bureau 'cos they're free.

jmg1 · 18/04/2004 09:05

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

israel · 18/04/2004 09:21

....Dear jmg1....I am so, so sorry to hear of your grief. This is a terrible time you are going through.
When someone close to me has died I have realised that the ones closest to you are rarely the ones who can help you in your own grief. Simply because they are also grieving, so you tend not to be able to help each other. On top of that you have to care for your children when this would probably be the best time to grieve yourself, maybe you feel you can't. Is there anyone at all who has offered you a shoulder to cry on whilst you are being strong for your children?

israel · 18/04/2004 09:26

..Children are very good with the truth. Tell them simple facts and they will understand given time. But if your in too much pain yourself this may be too difficult, that is why I really think outside help is needed.

jmg1 · 18/04/2004 09:33

Message withdrawn at user request

OP posts:

israel · 18/04/2004 09:48

This feeling of wishing she was with you will never go away....when well meaning people ask if your feeling better/ok...and in your head your screaming(bloody hell NO!!!)...yes these feelings are there all the time but with time you begin to learn to cope with the utter loss and sadness...it is very early days yet.You loved this person and just because she has died doesn't mean to say that the love has stopped if anything it is stronger and will always be with you....Others around will not understand fully if they have not experienced the same thing...
Even I cannot fully understand the loss of a dp..My losses have been my beloved parents. But i do have a very close friend who lost her dh a couple of years ago...She has some of his ashes scattered in Ireland and some planted under a tree in her garden where on birthdays and aniversaries she leaves a tin of guinness..his fav drink...this helps her to cope but it does not take away the pain...Just do what you have to do to-day to cope with your loss....if this means staying clear of her mother then do it...gather those around you who care and bu**er all the rest!

marthamoo · 18/04/2004 10:18

jmg, I don't really have any words of wisdom here, I think the others have come up with some good ideas. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am - you sound like such a lovely Dad. Your MIL sounds awful, but you can't change her, she is what she is. Your children will be OK, and so will you, you just need more time to pass - sorry, I know that is a total cliche, but it's true. I hope you manage to resolve this and make a place where you can go with your children and feel close to their Mum.

wilbur · 18/04/2004 11:08

jmg1 there has been some great advice here and I particularly think that littlemissbossy's point about having found a special resting place for your partner will be very important for your children in years to come as it will show them that their mother was deeply loved and that her death was just as much the result of an illness as if it had been cancer. My parents are buried together in the cemetery of the town where I grew up, which thankfully is not too far away from here. It's a lovely spot with benches and a river nearby where I used to play as a child. It means a lot to me to be able to go somewhere and talk and cry, it gives my grief and questions a focus. I definitely think your idea of looking to get a bench is a good one, it gives you a place to go, even if it takes a lot longer to get the ashes, or part of them, from your partner's mother so that you can actually scatter them. I'm so glad you have found mumsnet - you sound like a wonderful man doing an amazing job.

Janh · 18/04/2004 13:00

This has been on my mind this morning...wish I could think of something helpful to say to them but they are so little. She was ill, and that is why she died, but if they need more information it is so hard with such little ones to tell them a truth that they can understand and that will comfort them.

Do you think the peculiar one would really say "this is your mother" about the ashes? Is there a danger that she would tell them other things they don't need to know? Can you just not see her at all for a while - that would be safest. Or if you have to, keep it short and make sure you are with them at all times so that you can head off anything dodgy that she says?

Who has the ashes isn't the main issue - as long as you all have a place to go that is mummy's place, and their grandmother can consider their feelings enough not to tell them things they can't understand, and you can somehow find thr right words to answer their questions as they get older, you can muddle through?

It is so heartbreaking to think of you all without her. Your children are lucky to have such a sensitive and thoughtful father. (I wish she could come back too.)

bunny2 · 18/04/2004 15:54

jmg, I had no idea about your sad story. I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely dad. I hope you find a way to resolve this soon.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.