What to do with the ashes...

[jmg1]

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hi jmg1, the pain of your grief is so clear to me now... it's more than just what to do with the ashes. The one thing I have learnt from the experience of my dh and dss's is, don't hide from the grief, you can't put it in a box and throw it to the back of the cupboard, because every time you open the cupboard, it will be there staring you in the face. Have you thought about receiving counselling? There are many organisations that could help, don't be embarrassed to ask for help, talking to someone not close to you is often easier ... like us mumsnetters for instance I wish my dh had done this, he didn't because I think he was scared of facing up to his feelings and was trying to put on a brave face for the sake of the boys. The loss that you have suffered is all the more traumatic as your partner took her own life. I would certainly not even think about telling the children until they are old enough to understand, when this will be only you will know. Just carry on the line of your mum was ill and the doctors just could not make her better. I have found that the more frank you are with children, the easier they accept situations. I used to tell my dss's that mummy was in heaven walking their grandad's dog (who died shortly after her) and that they would be having a lovely time. Sounds a bit stupid, but they were happy to hear this explaination of what happened. Only you can know what is right for your kids and I hope you find the answer soon.

Just registerd on this site and read your message, I am so sorry for your loss and can understand a bit. My first thought would be to tell "granny" again not to say anything about the cask to the children and, if she is so odd, keep visits to a minimum. My husband and father of our five year old died last year and I have had several conversations with the in-laws about not disturbing my son with their thoughts about death (specifically about Daddy coming back as a robin - when you've got four cats its a bit dodgy!). Most reasonable people will understand your concerns.

Secondly, it is important to have somewhere to go to remember mummy but you don't have to involve the ashes, just choose somewhere special to both of you. My husband's ashes are in the garage next to his beloved motorbike but when the time is right, and I feel my son will understand, we are going to bury them in the local village churchyard. I would talk to your children as much as you can about their mother, keep her real for them, look at photos of happier times, let them see you get upset. It helps them to see that grief is natural. Dont try to be too strong. My thoughts are with you and your family, it is such a tough thing to go through and must be even more so with three children but it will get better, slowly.

I have no advice Jmg1, just lots of love to you all

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jmg, you dont sound like someone who is feeling sorry for themself at all. You sound like you are being realistic and frank about the enormous task in front of you. I, thank goodness, have never had to deal with losing someone close to me and I cant begin to imagine the pain you feel and the weight of responsibility for ensuring your childrens future happiness. They are so lucky to have a caring and capable father. I wish I could say something constructive but I cant. I am thinking of you though. You have been on my mind since I read this thread earlier today.

Doesn't sound to me as though you're feeling sorry for yourself.

I've moved to opposite ends of the country before and I know it can be hard to settle in and meet new people. Do you know which city/town you'd like to move to? Maybe MN'ers could help you with more specific info about the place?

Jmg, you have every right to feel sorry for your self. God, you have been to hell and back and come through it. You are a really nice person and your children are a credit to you.

I cant even pretend to know what you are going through and the range and strength of your emotions must be so powerful and overwhelming.Its a shame that you feel youve gone backwards, are you just having a crap day? Which by the way you are totally entitled to have!!

Thinking of you, many hugs

Doh! You've already said you don't know. Please forgive my tired brain!

Well, I don't think you sound sorry for yourself, if it helps. You sound very sad but not self-pitying. You are in an awful situation and you're doing your best and loving your children.

I can imagine that talking about things you have been keeping inside will make you feel worse to begin with - getting it all out is the principle behind counselling, isn't it, so if you are telling us stuff you have kept bottled up until now then putting it into words makes you think about it. (Bit vague, sorry.)

Is there any place in the country where you know somebody who could help you move and get established? Or somewhere you have always thought you would love to live? With small children it's almost impossible not to get to know people - they are almost as good as dogs ( - and you've got one of those too haven't you?)

Sorry - only half a message here - have to go finish getting tea. Hope it helps a bit.

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JMG Newcastle is where I moved to years ago, although I've since left. I can sympathise with the lack of sleep and feeling like cr*p, though for different reasons. You're more than welcome to contact me via Contact Another Talker if you ever want to talk off MN. (I promise I'm not smutty all the time! )

Do you really feel like your ready to move, there is no rush is there. Perhaps if you give yourself a few more years and know that in time you will leave, you can deal with the her and now, without feeling so suffocated. Tell me if i'm speaking crap please

I agree with FF. If you do not absolutely have to move, why not put that on the back burner while you deal with everything else?

Hugs

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jmg1, I've read my previous message and sound a bit dictatorial - sorry! However, here I go again - what about a different home in the same area? Then you are away from the immediate memories but still retain the continuity for your children, with schooling, friends, etc. and if you're in a good area, why change? Although its hard you wont be able to get away from all the horrific memories, they will stay with you until you can work through them. I have swung over the past year from thoughts of moving to staying still, so many memories of my husband dieing in the bedroom upstairs will haunt me forever but my son is happy here, he has friends. My friends are miles away but Janh is right, children breed contacts! Not wishing to sound crass but a bloke with children will always attract friends (and I mean genuine friends!) and it seems like you have masses of support from this place.

Oh mate what a dire dilemma.

I think as with your living arrangements, you have to think of yourself in this. What do YOU want? I think that you should maybe start being a little more selfish. You are a fantastic and brave man and you deserve better treatment from your partner's mother.

I know it's not that easy, but you lost your partner and the mother of your children just as she lost her daughter. Think of yourself.

I have no real experience of this so that advice may be totally wrong, but it is from the heart

Jmg1, i feel the same, i know i don't, obviously, because your situation is horrid.
I just want to leave so much also, and i would, if i didn't have children.
It's like being two people, i want to just buy a van and travel, then..... i love the schools and the security for my boys.
I hope you get there x

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jmg - I'm sorry things seem so bad at the moment. Counselling might just be talking and not solve a lot but it gives you a chance to get everything off your chest instead of having to keep it all to yourself. It up to you, but it might be worth just giving it a go once and see how you feel afterwards.

However bad it seems, life is worth too much to waste. You're a great dad and you've got too much going for you to think about letting it go.

JMG - You sound like an amazing dad to have made it even this far, though I suspect you probably don't feel that way at the moment. Lack of sleep must also be making things seem even bleaker.

Best of luck with the GP and your dd. On a more practical note, stock up on a huge bottle of camomile lotion while you're out, just in case you get the dreaded pox too and have no way of getting out to the chemist later (unless of course you have a balaclava!). Fingers crossed for you all.

hi jmg1, sorry to hear about the pox!! Although it is best that the kids get it over and done with when they're young, keep your fingers crossed that you don't get it though.
Can I ask you one question? Bearing in mind it's been two years already since your partner died, how do your envisage your life to be in another two years?

jmg1 sorry you are having such a crappy time at the moment. Don't forget that negative feelings are exacerbated by lack of sleep and external worries like sick children.

As for counselling, I am a bit like you in my opinions of it's worth for me, but I do think that your situation may warrant it. Presumably for the past 2 years you have been throwing yourself into trying to cope with the loss of your partner and looking after your 3 children on your own (god I know I couldn't do it) and maybe you are just coming out the other end, things have normalised a bit for you, you have come to terms with things a bit and now the real grief is hitting you. I believe it's a normal sort of chain of events.

So having suppressed your feelings for these 2 years while you gear yourself to your "new" life, they are now trying to get out and I think you just have to let them - maybe counselling would expidite the process and the counseller would be able to reassure you that what you are feeling is normal.

Does this mean you've left MN? If you're still lurking, good luck with whatever you decide to do, JMG.

I hope you haven't gone - you seem like a lovely lovely man. XXX