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Bereavement

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Original poster

My beautiful mum died tonight

59 replies

mandywb · 03/12/2014 22:34

I am totally heartbroken. We knew it was coming as were told there was nothing more could be done, but I think I am in shock.

I don't know how we carry on without her, she was only 65 and everything to us. My dad is devastated, as is my brother.

We stayed in the hospital with her all last night and today and leaving her there alone tonight after it happened was the hardest thing I think I have ever done.

I told my children when I came home (10 and 12) who were very close to her and adored her. I expected them to be a bit upset but both were so so upset, their reaction took me by surprise a little.

I don't know what I am going to do without her. We were so close, we spoke every day, went out walks every weekend and just chatted.

I feel numbness, pain, immense hurt and fear because I won't be able to see/speak to her ever again.

OP posts:
minmooch · 04/12/2014 09:21

I am so sorry for the loss if your Mum. Flowers your mum will know she was surrounded by love as she passed away and that is a wonderful gift you gave her xxx

paulapantsdown · 04/12/2014 09:25

I'm so so very sorry for your loss. My beautiful mum died very suddenly at 65, 10 years ago. It was and will always be the most difficult time of my life and my heart is sad to think of anyone else going through it. You are in my thoughts. Flowers

agoodbook · 04/12/2014 09:31

There are no words that can express the pain. My beloved Mum died some time ago- but she is still with me ,and I talk to her everyday in my head - even if its only a "Mum- what do I do?" But be assured your Mum is still there in the love you have for her

ButtfaceMiscreant · 04/12/2014 09:34

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers Wishing you strength for as long as you need it. Remember you can always talk to your mum, she will always be listening but just cannot reply to you verbally. She knew she was loved by you all, and she passed away in peace and love. You could not have given her a better end, in spite of it coming far far too soon.

Thinking of you. Look after yourself as well, it's what your mum would have wanted xx

AlfAlf · 04/12/2014 17:30

My thoughts are with you and your family again today. Sending lots of love xxx

Original poster
mandywb · 04/12/2014 20:52

Such kind messages from people I don't even know. It's so comforting. It's also so sad that many have been in this place already.
Life can be so cruel Hmm x

OP posts:
PtraciDjelibeybi · 04/12/2014 20:58

My DS is eleven now. He was three when my mother died. The other day he was crying because he couldn't really remember her any more and I was talking to him about the things they did together (they were very close - he was a much wanted only grandchild). Your children will be able to share so many thoughts and memories of your mother with you. Little things which have stuck in their minds. Things which seemed small at the time but have significance. You will, I am sure, feel even closer to her by sharing your love for her... Be kind to yourselves

CinziaLovesTheStars · 04/12/2014 21:02

So very sorry to hear of your mum's death. Losing a beloved parent is so hard on the heart. What a gift you gave to her by holding her hand and loving her as she died. Sending hugs to you..xx

Valpollicella · 04/12/2014 21:07

oh you poor thing Sad x

Kittymautz · 04/12/2014 21:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I too was very close to my Mum; she died nearly 19 years ago now, aged 57. It's so hard to lose someone you are so close to, but you do get through it. I think about my Mum so much, sometimes happy memories, and sometimes even after all these years it hits me again that she's gone and I get so upset. But, it's a cliche I know, it does get easier with time, you do learn to live with your loss. So sorry. Take care of yourself.

Cherryblossom11 · 04/12/2014 21:14

So so sorry for your lossThanks

CaptainAnkles · 04/12/2014 21:16

I'm so sorry Thanks
I hope you have plenty of people around you who can support you and give you strength.

Doilooklikeatourist · 04/12/2014 21:37

So sorry for the loss of your wonderful mum
My mum died 13 years ago at the age of only 61
It was ( and is for you ) awful
I cried every day for a year ( from the diagnosis of terminal cancer , her death and afterwards )

There is no timetable for grief

That is a phrase I found helpful as it means no one can tell you how you should be feeling
My children were only 4 & 6 and I don't think they remember her at all

It is awful , you'll probably look at other people and think to yourself how can they carry on , don't they know my mother has died ?

Be kind to your self , allow yourself time to grieve , but .. remember the happy times you shared , the laughs you had together and treasure those happy memories

CinziaLovesTheStars · 05/12/2014 01:02

DoIlooklikeatourist, very true post. When my father died,age 61, I could not understand how the rest of the world was carrying on. Grief is so personal. Thirteen years after his death, I still cry at odd times, when a song, picture or fragrance triggers memories.

sandgrown · 05/12/2014 01:15

So sorry to hear of your loss. In time it will get better but little things will always remind you of your mum. Today I sang White Christmas in a concert and it brought a tear to my eye because it was one of mum's favourite songs. Look after yourself x

Original poster
mandywb · 05/12/2014 07:36

I know what you mean about things carrying on as normal, I just want to wind the clock back and speak to / hold mum again.

Terrible, but I was in a shop yesterday to buy milk for my dad and heard this man say "mum, do you want these chocolates at xmas". I felt so sad and almost angry he still had his mum as she was an older lady and mine was/ is too young.

My poor dad is just broken. My brother and I went over yesterday and he was in a daze, shock and crying. He is a very strong man and it was dreadful to see him so very sad and not be able to take the pain away.

My husband, friends and family have been lovely. People don't really know what to say though do they. I have times of thinking I am ok and there are no tears and then it hits like a wave and the tears come again. I don't actually know how I will get through the funeral next week.

3 weeks til xmas and for my kids I have to carry on and put up the tree etc. if I could cancel it - I would in a heartbeat, but that's not fair for the kids. My mum loved xmas and we all came to my house, this year it will just be us 4 and my dad. My brother and family will come later. It will be such a difficult day to try and be happy for the kids but missing my mum not being there. I wish I didn't have to do it.

OP posts:
CinziaLovesTheStars · 05/12/2014 14:17

My father died 4/12/01... I know just how you feel about Christmas. I also had small children, who needed to have the holiday made for them. You will find the strength to carry on, it may pass in a blur but you will do as need to make Christmas special for your children. Please don't forget to take care of yourself too. Try to find some time to rest, eat and maybe distract yourself with a book or DVD. Sending love and hugs you and your family..my heart goes out to your Dad on the loss of his life's companion..xx

Trooperslane · 05/12/2014 14:22

I am so, so sorry.

My Mum died in April and it was expected, a relief even.

But it's so hard. Hugs. X

scatteroflight · 06/12/2014 13:18

So sorry for you mandy. I'm crying reading this thread and remembering my mum who died last year. The pain you're feeling now is indescribable. I didn't think I would survive it when it happened to me.

An earlier poster said a lovely thing that I think is very true. The world around you blithely carries on and you can't believe it. Don't they know what has happened? But I have also stopped for a moment to think of your lovely mum, your dad, your brother and you xxx

tootyflooty · 06/12/2014 13:29

So sorry for your awful loss. The fact that you could be with her at the end is a great blessing, it won't lessen the pain, but may bring you comfort in time. You will always miss her, but that deep pain will eventually ease and you will smile again. Just take as much time as you need, cry when you want, and take comfort from those around you that are also grieving for her. sending you a virtual hug xx

ExitPursuedByABear · 06/12/2014 15:16

My mum died on New Year's Eve 2002, but was in hospital from 14 th December. That was a fun Christmas.

Time does make things easier to bear.

I used to find my eyes randomly leaking. Not sobbing, just really leaking.

Surround yourself with the love of your family and take strength in happy memories.

Original poster
mandywb · 06/12/2014 23:49

Your lovely messages make me cry but are also a comfort. Strange.
My grandma (mum's mum) passed away 4 years ago, we were all very close and I could never have envisaged that I would lose my own mum just 4 years after she lost hers Sad

Scatteroflight, thank you so much for your kind thoughts for us all, and also to everyone else. Such kindness in such hard times.

My dad is just bereft, we went to see mum today and she will be home next week before the funeral. That was so hard, although she looked like my mum sleeping and peaceful. I just can't bear the thought of what happens next. My brother seems stronger.
I don't feel I have had the chance to properly cry yet as being strong for my dad and my kids. Once they are back to school next week I will have a day for me and just let it out I think, as I keep having to stifle it and that's harder.
Total sick feeling most of the time. Had a few wines tonight - that never helped Sad

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 06/12/2014 23:56

I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you and of your lovely mum. Hugs. Xx

ThePinkOcelot · 07/12/2014 08:41

So sorry for your loss Mandy.

I dreaded the first Xmas after my dad died, but just told myself that its just another day to get through, just like all the rest!

Be kind to yourself. Take care xx

PacificDogwood · 07/12/2014 10:10

Oh, it will be hard on your dad Sad - losing your parent is just so different from losing your spouse.

Give yourselves time, some time for the pain not being quite so raw.

You may find that the funeral will be cathartic and give some small amount of closure and allowing you to see a way forward.

When the time is right, consider contacting CRUSE who can be a great support.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength Thanks

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