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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Moving on after full term still birth

14 replies

EllieandAnna · 27/11/2014 21:56

Sorry if this post goes on but I think I need to write it all down. 2 months ago I lost my little girl. I started off thinking I was just in labour as I was 9 days overdue. I was in a lot of pain and although I planned a homebirth my waters broke and had meconium and blood in the . By the time I got to hospital my beautiful Anneliese was dead, I delivered her snd spent the most precious 7 hours of my life with her, she was perfect. We were told by 3 midwives on separate occasions that in their opinion it was a placental abruption which was the cause but that we would have to wait for the post mortem to be sure. My husband and I thought we were doing ok but as time goes by we no longer have moments where we burst into tears but instead feel an ongoing constant feeling of sadness. We both feel like the only way we can move on is to try again but my mum thinks this a bad idea. I know we should wait for the post mortem to make sure but our reasoning is that we definitely want another child, no matter what and we can't bear the thought of waiting however long for the results before we can try again. I don't really know why I'm posting, I supoose I'm wondering how people have dealt with this and whether anyone has tried again before results and how they felt about it.

OP posts:

Annietheacrobat · 27/11/2014 22:09

Ellie - am so sorry to read about your daughter. I can 't imagine what you are going through, although having had several early pregnancy losses can understand your need to try again.

From a medical perspective I suppose a benefit to waiting would be that they might identify a 'treatable' problem that contributed to your daughter's death. A good friend lost her baby at term and the post mortem revealed multiple blood clots within the placenta. As soon as she became pregnant with her second child she was commenced on blood thinning treatment.

Surely they can't keep you waiting for too much longer for the result?

Goldmandra · 27/11/2014 22:14

I am sorry to hear your story. Anneliese is such a beautiful name.

How long are you likely to have to wait for the post mortem results? It seems like a very long time already.

JCleRoux · 27/11/2014 22:18

I didn't just want to read and run. I am so sorry for your loss

MildDrPepperAddiction · 27/11/2014 22:20

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your DH find peace soon.

LuannDelaney · 27/11/2014 22:24

Firstly well done you on giving birth to your beautiful Anneliese. Personally I don't think that there is any harm trying again, just what pp have said that they might be able to tell you something. But I think the two of you need that closeness now. I'm sure other mn. will come on with the info you need. Best of my wishes to you.

Original poster

EllieandAnna · 27/11/2014 22:27

Thank you and sorry to hear about your pregnancy losses. I was originally told up to 12 weeks, sooke to someone last week who said it could be at least another month which seems like a lifetime away. My head says to wait but my heart aches for another baby. I had a miscarriage a month before I fell pregnant with Anna and felt similar to how I do now, but enowit is 10 times worse. It doesn't help that my sil had an accidental pregnancy and gave birth on my previous due date. I just want to ge able to be a mum but every time I chase up the results they say they can't even give me an idea as to how long it may take. I just feel like I'm in limbo and don't know how to move forward and in the meantime I have to cope with seeing everyone hapoy with their babies, most if which are unplanned. I wouldn't wish this on anyone of course but I find my self asking 'why me?'.

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AllTerrainMammy · 27/11/2014 22:30

I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm not sure if it would be of interest to you but myself and several other lovely ladies have a thread called Angels and Rainbows as we've all been through similar to you. The thread is on the conception boards but I was posting on there long before we thought about trying for another baby. It's just a lovely supportive thread and it's reassuring to be able to share emotions with others who know exactly what you're going through. Please feel free to join us. Would like to be able to link to the thread but have no idea how, sorry.

Please be kind to yourself though, two months is such a short space of time. Do what feels right for you. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you x

Purpleroxy · 27/11/2014 22:33

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl.

I think it would be fine to have another baby, another baby would not replace her but would give you some joy and help you carry on. I don't think it would be "moving on" exactly, it'd be more like living with what's happened and remembering your DD alongside having a new baby. I personally think it would be a very good thing to have a new baby.

Sorry if this is insensitive, but have they said why the results are taking so long?

RandomMess · 27/11/2014 22:33

Please be kind to yourselves and contact SANDS. There is no normal, there is not "right" way to grieve or move on. We are human, we are individuals, you will never forget Anna, nor the sorrow.

lljkk · 27/11/2014 22:36

It's not fair. Don't try to make sense of it that way.

Have you been in touch with SANDS?

Does it help if you know that part of what you're feeling is an enormous hormonal backwash, totally primal level mammal thing? It's part of what's making you so broody. Your whole body was primed to have a baby in your life now, so not having her has driven your hormones crazy.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, just that if it was me I'd want to wait until the hormones weren't so strong; I'd want to be sure I was making decisions more logically. I'm sure how you feel is physically painful, I'm sorry I don't know what to say to deal with it. I know someone who lost a baby just like you did, 10 yrs ago. She has (sort of) recovered & had another child, but took a long time. Don't be afraid to give yourself time.

dorasee · 27/11/2014 22:53

Oh my Lord... it's so very sad, so very, very hard. I have no words of wisdom really but a universe of sympathy for you. I went through something similar almost 3 1/2 years ago. You will heal. There will always be a tear that hangs, waiting to fall for Anneliese, but you will heal.

Perhaps Annaliese's life didn't happen as you had hoped, but it did happen and her gift to you is a love you would never have experienced otherwise. Every life is so valid and miraculous. And perhaps her existence, though brief, is meant to offer life and longevity to a sibling who is yet to come into the world.

We went on to have another child. My love on the day of his birth could have moved mountains because it was so touched by the experience we had been through and by the knowledge that life truly perpetuates itself. Believe in the good things and keep Anneliese as your light. You won't fall into the shadows, I promise. Love and blessings to you.

Original poster

EllieandAnna · 27/11/2014 23:32

Thank you all for your kind messages, it helps. With it being 2 months on we don't have many people asking how we are now, I suppose people think we should be ok by now, in actusl fact I feel like I need people more than before. I will visit the board mentioned in the otger post, thanks. I suppose there is jo right or wrong answer, wish there was though-would be much easier! They said it takes a while to grow cultures but they can't say how long that would be. It's nice to hear people have been through similar experiences and have been able to fet through it, it gives me strength to desl with things. Feel like I spend all my time pretending I'm ok to spare everyone elses feelings then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

OP posts:

LilyTheSavage · 28/11/2014 14:30

Hi Ellie.

I'm so sorry about your darling baby, and I am incensed on your behalf that people think you should be ok after two months. FFS!!!! My own DS2 died fifteen and a half months ago and I'm still far from all right. I don't think I will ever be the same. I have learned to function (for the sake of my other DSs and my DH).

Please be gentle with yourself. You can only do as much as you can do. There is a thread where sadly, there are quite a few of us bereaved mums. It is a kind and gentle place and I find the support invaluable. I've made some lovely friends from that thread (and my own thread) and it helps to talk to them and know that I'm not actually going mad but am just grieving.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2052800-Our-special-thread-where-we-can-be-who-we-are-A-thread-to-remember-our-children-who-are-no-longer-physically-here-Our-safe-haven

Sending you love and strength. XX

angelopal · 30/11/2014 09:14

So sorry for the loss of your daughter. As others have said have you contacted SANDS?

I lost my first suddenly and unexpectedly at 4 days old 2 years ago. I found alot of support on the SANDS forums and just knowing what I was feeling was normal really helped.

Our pm showed a heart defect. We have since gone on to have a healthy dc. She can never replace our first but has helped.

You will always miss her but time does help and it will become less painful. Its still early days for you. Take care.

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