DFather has had a massive stroke

[Lilamani]

Posted here for the traffic:

My father had a stroke on Sunday. He was alone at home and found unconscious in the evening. He was rushed to hospital for cranial decompression surgery. Since then he's been unconscious and his pupils are not responding to light. He can breathe on his own, though he's attached to a ventilator as a precaution.

Does anyone have experience of a situation like this? What can we hope for? I love him so much.

I've just been told that there's brainstem damage and he has a less than 10% chance of waking up.

My dad died under similar circumstances in September. The pain of his loss was physical and floored me for 3 weeks. But children have a knack of helping you to keep going. My dad was a much loved grandad and the best advice I got was that children grieve in short bursts and then go back to normal
Life. And such has been the case. The hardest thing is putting aside your own grief to comfort them. I was also very open with them that they would see mummy cry but they were not to worry or be afraid, it is just because she loved grandad.
I send you much love at this difficult time xx

Thank you. It's helping immensely to hear from all of you. to everyone who has been through something like this.

To the PP, thank you for telling me that children grieve in short bursts. My DD goes from sobbing in a corner to being almost manically cheerful and the extremes were beginning to worry me. DS also misses his grandfather badly.

I still can't quite believe what's happened. Half the time I feel like the doorbell might ring any minute and I'll open it to find my father there, smiling at me. Then it hits me that that's never, ever going to happen again.

Hi Lilami. I was looking here for some advice and your thread is the first one I see and is so similar to my situation

My df had exactly the same thing, massive stroke, brain aneurysm causing his brain to stop functioning. This happened on the 10th November 2014 and he died on the 11th after we remove him off the ventilator and watched him peacefully go.

He was such a kind loving day. You would do anything for family, friend and neighbour and we are finding comfort from the kind thoughts people are saying about my dad.

My own dd is only 19 months but adored my dad and he her. But there are no words to explain to her that her grandpa has died and she keeps looking for him.

Im on a little downer today and thinking actually it's time he came back now, knowing this isn't possible.

Oh, itispersonal I'm so sorry to hear that. It is such a sudden and horrible thing to happen.

Yes, listening to the nice stories people have to tell, brings a little comfort. I know just what you mean when you say you feel it's time he came back now, that's how I feel too. The permanence hasn't sunk in yet, has it?

Your DD is so small. There may be books that can help explain. Maybe you could do as I've promised to do with my own DC and put together an album of pictures of them together. I also thought of writing down little anecdotes about him, so he would seem more real to them in the future. Funny stories, little everyday things, facts about his early life...

And keep talking about him. That's the only way we can keep them alive now.

To lili and itspersonal. So sorry for your losses. Lili you write beautifully. Hold on to those memories.

Lilamani

Reading through all the post. Our dads must have been made out of the same moulds, special people chosen to help all those they could.
My dad was a knight in shining amour not just looking after my mum and my sister and I. But the whole family, if anyone was in need dad was there to support and did so willingly.
He too would fix things all the time, rescue things from the tip and make them new. As a family we all went away together to a log cabin and even there is was fixing tables, light bulbs and sweeping the veranda but that was just my dad.

Yes, I definitely want to do a memory box the hospital gave me a teddy to give my ddand the hospital gave my dad one which will go in his coffin.

I will also get a teddy made out of some his clothes.

I can't get my head round, he was strong and like my mum told the drs he is a fighter but it wasn't too be. He was only 67 and a healthy man, never ill.

Also my dad's younger brother had died a year last August from the same thing.

Sorry to read this. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack many years ago. My mum died of cancer (2 year battle) a couple of years ago. I have always been grateful that my dad didn't have to suffer. It is such a shock, but for me that has always been the one silver lining. I think it is a far better way to die, and a long drawn out decline.

Try and appreciate that he was fit, healthy, and enjoying life for all of his life.

And expect to be upset by stupid little things for quite a while - and it is fine to cry. And pass that message on to your kids. Thankfully they are old enough to keep his memory alive (mine often talk fondly about their nan).

Look after yourself.

Yes, throckenholt , the one consolation I can find in all this is that he didn't have to suffer. He never had to endure any chronic illness, or face slow deterioration in body or mind. He was such an active person. Though there would have been any number of us ready to help him, he would have found it frustrating and hard to come to terms with.

itispersonal, your dad sounds so much like mine. Special people who made a real difference to the world around them.

Something funny happened today. My father loved his garden and would spend hours working in it. This morning I noticed a few mites on a plant and wondered what I could do. A little later, I went up to the bedroom and found a ladybug there. I have no idea how it got in, all the windows were shut and I haven't seen a ladybug here for years. I took it out and put it on the affected plant, since googling told me that ladybugs destroy those mites. It almost looks as though my father is still keeping an eye on his garden!

Hi Lili as you mentioned your dads love of gardening I thought I'd tell you what we are planning to do. When I was sitting with my dad as he was dying I had an overwhelming sense if how peaceful he was - it was part of his character. He was the least judgemental person I have ever met and was so easygoing. I decided I wanted to create a place in the garden where any of the family could come and sit on a memorial bench which will have some sort of engraving on that speaks to us all of him (there are loads of designs on google). So that we can all sit in the garden when we feel like being near him and experiencing that piece he radiated.

Peace

Thank you googlenut, that's a beautiful idea.

Hi Lilamani, so sorry to hear of your dads passing. The sories you told of him are wonderful. I'd love to hear more. My dad was a selfish, abandoner who regularly used to say that if he could do his time again, he wouldn't have any children. So I'd love to hear more about your dad because he sounds amazing.

My father made me feel safe. One of my first memories is of lying in bed at night, listening to my parents talking in the next room and just knowing that as long as they were around, nothing in the world could ever hurt me.

My father was also brilliant at mending broken toys. He'd sit down with a screwdriver or glue and give me back whatever it was, as good as new. Tinkering with toys was evidently something he started doing early in life. He was in a boarding school as a child and an ex-schoolmate dropped in a few days ago and told us how my father used to make little toys for the younger boys out of scraps.

I still can't believe I'll never see him again

So sorry. Hold on to all those memories.