My Dad died suddenly 9 months ago - I can't get over losing him.......

[barney2]

I'm still so devastated at losing my lovely Dad - he died suddenly at home on his own, whilst my Mum was at work, almost 9 months ago. I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone - she told me 'he's had a bit of an accident' and to get over there immediately. I knew he had died because otherwise she'd have said he was ok. I drove over to find my Mum at the backdoor nodding from side to side and in tears. My Dad was lying by the phone, dead. He had to have a PM and they found he'd had a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he looked ok although said he didn't feel too good.

I just can't accept that I'll never see him again. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes and feel that even though I'm happily married with two lovely daughters that I want to be with my Dad. I was quite close to him especially during his last few months because he had a car accident three months before he died - he got hit late one night by a 19yo drink driver and Dad never really got over the accident - Dad has his car written off - he'd never scratched a car in his life. He died aged 76. He was such a lovely guy, always laughing and joking. I miss him so much. I just don't know how to believe I'll never see him again, hear him again and he'll never make me smile again.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[Wilbur]

Hi barney2. Glad to see you still posting and glad to hear things are easing a little. I have been away, but I was thinking about you a couple of weeks ago. I know what you mean about the anniversary, it is a strange day but good to get through the first one - the subsequent ones are not as bad IME. I don't think you would need to find something to do every year, if you want to do something special this year. What about just taking a quick outing to a place he really liked? Not making a big deal of it, just a sort of "touching base" type moment. Glad your dh is being a support though - that's very important. My dh has borne heaps of abuse from me over the last few years, but he's still here (phew ) and it has only made me love him more.

So sorry to read about others' losses on this thread - it is so painful and bewildering. Take care.

[barney2]

Hi loujay and wilbur. Thanks for your threads. Loujay - what is nat mur? I'd be interested in taking anything that'll help me - I went to the Drs very early on after Dad died and asked to be put on ADs but he wasn't keen and did a good job in refusing them - he told me it'd be harder for me to come off of them than it is to go on them - I can see his point but I did feel pretty let down and very disappointed but thinking back I guess he was right but he just wasn't prepared to help me.

Wilbur - I like the idea of going somewhere that Dad liked on his anniversary but I just don't feel strong enough to do that - I only have to drive past somewhere that he liked and I start getting tearful/welling up.

My brother is getting his big foot in the door with Mum at the moment - making her financial decisions for her, telling what to do basically and I'm finding it so incredibly hard not to say anything to her - she thinks the sun shines out of his backside and I do feel so left on the shelf. I keep telling myself to just let them get on with it and let them make their own mistakes etc - my Mum can be quite vulnerable at times and will follow his advice even if I can clearly see what he's telling her isn't quite the right advice. If I say one word of criticism about him Mum tends to get stroppy with me. In these circumstances I just find myself sitting back and wondering what would Dad be saying and I'm pretty sure he'd be saying 'just let them get on with it' etc etc

Oh well, keep going I guess. I shall be glad to get through Dad's anniversary and out the other side. Its going to be a toughie but life goes on I suppose...xxx

[puddle]

Barney I light a candle at home for my dad on the anniversary of his death - it's something I do alone and it's a personal thing. But we have now started to celebrate my dad's life on his birthday - we try and go out for a nice lunch and always have a toast to him and talk about our good memories.

[barney2]

Thanks Puddle. I think lighting a candle is a lovely idea and being a candle lover that's not too difficult a task for me to do. I did light one for him on his birthday, which was quite soon after he died. He wouldn't want us remembering his death - he'd tell us not to waste our time etc etc - but I will light a candle for him.

I go through so many mixed emotions at the moment. I'm sat here crying now. Yet I've not cried for a good week or so, or even welled up. The only time I cry is when the thought of never seeing him ever again really hits me hard, like now. How on earth do I ever come to terms with that? I had him in my life for almost 40 years. How do people accept they'll never see someone again or is it just a case that life goes on and we have to go on living our own lives.

I wish so much I'd had the chance to tell him I loved him. But then again I'm glad I didn't have the chance to say goodbye because even if I'd had that chance I wouldn't want to have said it because it all sounds so definite.

I've never lost someone so dear to my heart and it breaks my heart everytime I think of him. He was the nicest, kindest, most generous of men I have ever come across and it just seems so unfair that we had to lose him in such sudden circumstances and all due to an irresponsible 19 year old boy who thought he could drive whilst 3 times over the limit and high on ectasy. My Dad even forgave him. I could kill him.

[heiferjamese]

HI barney, glad to hear that you have had a better few weeks.

Strangly enough I have also, I realised the other day that I hadn't cried all week, which is possibly the first week since my mums death in December....

DD was making me cry every night by asking where is her nana, and grandad, grampa and grandma.. I think she is feeling left out at nursery as she doesn't have any grandparents alive, and she only knew my mum for 2 years....

DD is being christened in 2 weeks time, as while I am looking forward to it, I am also dreading it as it will be the 1st big thing since my mum died, and her she will be so missed, She was a sundayschool teacher and was a big part of the church DD and I go to....

Only hope I can get through the service without crying too much, especially as I haven't cried for a week or so and am enjoying not having such a headache...

Agree what you mean about seeing things that your dad liked setting you off.... I live in the same street as my parents house (in fact only moved here in last March to be close to my mum before we knew she was ill)... I see things every day that she loved (we live opposite some woods, that we always walked in etc).. Even think about my dad her, as I used to take him for walks around her when he was ill with dementia.

I am sorry about your mum and you feeling pushed out.. I am sure your time will come to feel close to her, I had the same thing with my brother when my dad died , but unfortunately mum reaslised that he didn't know as much as he thought he did...

I am so glad for my DH and DD, I feel so lost sometimes with both parents gone, no idea how people cope if they don;t have their own family around them...


Heres to another month of feeling stronger, and please let me know how you spend the anniversary as we will be having my mums 23rd December and not sure what to do... When my dad died my mum didn't want us to do anything special on that anniv as she said it was no different on that day than any other, ie it was hard every day...

[barney2]

Hi heiferjamese. Thanks for your thread. I'm sorry to hear you lost your Mum only a few months ago too. Atleast I still have my Mum but you've not got either of your parents which must be even harder for you, especially as you have such a young family.

Yes I do feel very pushed out and I absolutely hate it. I've been over to see mum today and my brother was there (he is married and lives away but was visiting) and I could sense I wasn't welcomed, although mum would never hear of this and I could never talk to her about how I feel. Its as if I'm invading their privacy. My dad would often say the umbilical cord was never cut between mum and my brother. He can be such an arrogant so and so and so full of his own importance and would never listen to anyone else's opinion on anything so I've learnt to keep quiet and walk away.

I don't know how I'm going to cope on the anniversary of Dad's death. I want it to be a normal day because otherwise I will dread the next one and the one after that etc etc. My Dad's birthday is also the 23rd December - weird that thats the same date as your Mum's death. I tried my hardest to have a 'normal' day on his birthday - he only died in November so it was still pretty raw. I put fresh flowers on his grave and wrote him a little note. Christmas was awful, absolutely awful because we did what we would normally do and go to my parents place - only there was a big big gap where Dad would have been sat. Then Father's Day was pretty atrocious too - I put more fresh flowers on his grave and told him I loved him and missed him so much.

I get so angry going to the cemetary - it does me no favours whatsoever going there. I hate the thought he is a few feet below my feet and I find it so hard seeing other gravestones where people lived far longer than my Dad and question why.... Why couldn't Dad have got to that age.

I also hate the fact the boy who drove into my Dad just a few weeks before Dad died - writing my Dad's car off, giving him whiplash and a bump to his head and, subsequently, killing him (he had a fatal heart attack) is driving around like a complete idiot - he lives just a few doors from Mum and it is so hard me driving past his house seeing him jetwashing his car and then hearing him drive off at speed. He was 3 times over the limit when he hit Dad. He was banned for just 12 months. He had been banned for 6 months for drink driving just before he hit Dad. He has got his life ahead of him. I've got mine too, but WITHOUT my lovely lovely Dad, because of him.

Life can be cruel, very very cruel.

[KathH]

Hi Barney - not been on for ages as I didnt feel I'd got anything helpful to say but if its any help the first anniversary of my dads death wsant as bad as I thought because I think I missed him so much that the actual date he died wasnt important - I dont know if I've explained that very well? I think you do move on in the second year because your not constantly going oh this time last year we were all on holiday, doing this etc.

I guess i'm lucky in that I did have time to say goodbye but feel really bad because my dad kind of came round and said to me "stop ruddy blubbing woman this is hard enough as it". I dont like to feel that I made it worse but now I can think of the way he said it & it makes me smile as it was so typical of him!

Love to everyone.

[barney2]

Hi KathH. Thanks for that.

Weird really cos I was talking to my DH last night and he asked what did I want to do on the anniversary of Dad's death and I replied I wanted it to be a normal day, especially being a Sunday. We got talking and I said Dad would've hated us going to see him knowing he was dying and us knowing we wouldn't have him for much longer so I guess he died the way he'd have chosen - ie on his own at home and quickly. I get angry sometimes because I feel he cheated me of the chance to say goodbye because I'm pretty sure he knew he was ill but that's just me being selfish I guess.

I have a mate whose Dad is terminally ill and they're pretty much doing what I'm glad I didn't do - ie making the most of the next few weeks - he's not expected to live beyond Xmas. I couldn't have coped with that and nor would've Dad - he'd probably have turned us away and told us to go live our lives and leave him be.

Anyway keep in touch please. I need as much help as I can get, especially in the run up to November. I need friends like you!! XXXX

[buktus]

Hi Barney2 good to see you are still posting, i had the same experience today about something suddenly reminding you of him, i was driving along and madonna song 'live to tell' came on the radio and as soon as i heard it it reminded me of him one firework night at school he was helping with the display and this song was playing while they were setting up and the bonfire was burning really bright and i could see him walking backwards and forwards acroos the field, my dad was a big man he was 6ft 5 and 19 stone so had a distingtive shadow, and that really hit me earlier i hadnt cried lik that for ages, it was proper uncontrolable crying - it is still hard but i would agree with kath the time of year is hard because of xmas and stuff but for me the rest of the year, everyday has been sohard that one individual day didnt make a lot of difference. Its been difficult lately my little boy talks about heaven a lot and he has been recently saying and describing stuff about my dad saying he sees him and what he is wearing, a lot of it is so accurate its scary, dont really know how to deal with it, ds thinks its great hes only 3 but it puts my heart in my throat, keep me updated on how you are doing and what you decide to plan for nov

[tattygirl]

Hello Barney 2 - I've only just joined mumsnet and read this thread.

I too lost my dad very suddenly in January 2004 - he died of an aneurysm 12 days before my second daughter was born. No warning - he just collapsed at home. Mom rang me, my hubby dashed over - I was 9 months pregnant and stayed at home with dd1. Because he'd 'come round' while the paramedics were there I didn't think it was life threatening. He died 3 hours later.I didn't get to the hospital in time - I was 10 minutes too late. I have run through that scenario in my mind so may times I think I'm going mad. He was chatting to my mum right up to when he died (dosed up on morphine)as he was being prepped to operate - he couldn't cope with the massive blood loss.



We postponed my dad's funeral until after I'd had my daughter (c section). I discharged myself 24 hours after the op so I could say goodbye. I took my new daughter to see him in the chapel of rest - I wanted him to 'see' her before we buried him.

What my dad will never know, or maybe he does, is that he chose her name - Sarah. About a month before she was born he reeled off a list of names and said he liked Sarah. Being stubborn I totally ignored him at the time.

The funeral didn't give me any closure - despite everyone saying it would. I felt I was watching events from a distance.

Two weeks after we buried dad Sarah contracted meningitis - we nearly lost her, but I was so out of it at one point I thought - at least she'll be with her grandad if she doesn't survive. I then got annoyed with him for not being there when we needed him!

After we got Sarah home I took a year's maternity leave and that helped a bit - I couldn't function above autopilot.

Nearly 3 years on I still miss him terribly. His birthday is 5th November - so I just go outside, watch the fireworks and remember all the times when I was a little girl and he took me to see all the displays.

I think your outlook on life changes forever when you lose a parent, child or sibling or anyone you are very close to.

I guess over the years you learn to cope with the grief but it still does creep up on you when you don't expect it and 'hits you in the face'. That said, I don't ever want to forget my dad - I want him always to be fresh in my memories. My greatest fear is not the grief but that my memories of my dad will fade.

I will think of you in November

[barney2]

Hi tattygirl. Thank you for that. I read your thread nodding in agreement. I also found the funeral didn't give me closure. I don't think anything does. I'm dreading November. Its not going to be a good time but then again the whole year has been pretty awful. I've had so many moments when I wished I had my dad to talk to - whether its something I want to tell him about one of the girls or even just a bit of good news - he was always one to listen/help/advise etc etc. I was with my Mum today and overhead her telling someone how hard the year has been and why did he choose to die whilst she was working - she only worked 4 hours a week - why did he have to die on his own?

The fact is nothing will bring him back. Life goes on etc etc - and it does and it has to. I know that and am learning that the hard way. Nothing in life EVER prepares you for the sudden death of a loved one, especially a parent that I've had for almost 40 years. No one prepares you for a sudden death - I often wonder if losing dad would've been easier had we known he was going to die. Sometimes I wish we'd had that special precious few hours/days with him, other times I'm glad we didn't.

Anyway I'm doing ok. Thanks for your thread. How is everyone else doing???!!! XX

[KathH]

Barney2 - glad you're doing ok - remember we're here for you for the times when you're not.

I did actually feel that the funeral brought some kind of closure for me - the place was packed, my dad was a headteacher & a lot of the kids & parents were there. It made me feel really proud that he was my dad.

When we came out I had a conversation with my aunty in that she told me that she told me that when my grandad died she'd noticed that a robin was everywhere she looked. She said that she'd kind of thought of the robin being my Grandad looking out for her. At my mum's house after my dad's funeral another relative said "isnt that strange, you'd think that those 2 robins in the tree were looking straight at us"

[barney2]

Hi KathH. Thanks for that. My sister is convinced that a blackbird that comes into her garden is Dad - weird because she's never noticed this bird before but its been coming in since Dad died. I've not had anything like that happent to me, as yet. I still find it very hard to believe he's gone but I'm hoping that once we get past the year point it'll sink in a bit more. I'm doing ok though. Not so many tears these days but I do find that when I do cry I sob - its as if I'm making up for all the days where I've not cried by having a good session of sobbing! Anyway I'll just keep plodding along.......I'll keep in touch though, I promise. You've been a great help. xxxx

[barney2]

Hi everyone. How is everyone? I'm ok. Little bit down at the moment....missing my Dad so much. Won't be long before he'll have been gone a year. Went to the cemetary yesterday. Tidied up his grave. We've sown some grass which looks lovely, planted some snowdrop and crocus bulbs for the spring and put a couple of pots on a couple of decorative paving slabs which have got flowers in. It does look very pretty and shows that we care. I absolutely hate going there. I don't seem to be able to accept he's underneath my feet. Anyway I just keep going. My children help although there are times when I crave time on my own. I sometimes wake up during the night and keep myself awake because I enjoy the peace, mad isn't it?!! XX

[linjasmom]

Barney2 - just came across this thread, that's why I am joining in so late. I lost my beloved Ma (who was also my best friend) 3 days before my 30th birthday when I was 18 weeks pg with her first dgc (turned out to be a wonderful girl). It was all very sudden and I still can't believe it. I still wait for someone to come and wake me up from this terrible nightmare.... There has not been a day since (20 months now) that I have not thought of her - and for the first year (and more) there was no day I didn't cry. I cannot say it hurts less now, but it does get a little easier to bear - and anniversaries do help to ease the pain somehow. After all the firsts, it does get "better". There are still days that I fall apart though and I do dread x-mas even though I love it and look forward to it. I don't know what I would have done without my bump and then dd (dh is great but with the bump I just knew I had to carry on. dd has Ma's name as middle name - Dorothee / God's gift.... she truly is). My Ma was 55 when she died and looking forward to retiring and spending time with her dgc. It is such a waste.... Just rambling, sorry. I am glad to know I am not alone. Dh is so sad as well, but it is not quite the same - I found that the only people who can really understand you are the ones that have experienced the same loss. Take care!! Big hug....

[barney2]

Hi linjasmom - sorry to hear you've had the same experience as me. It is hard isn't it? I'm ok. Although if I'm honest with myself I'm pretty low at the moment. I lost my lovely lovely Dad a year ago on the 12 November. Whilst I thought I'd be ok in the run up to the date I'm not. Its because the weather changing and darker evenings now are bringing it all back to me. Weird how the weather brings all the nightmares flooding back. I remember it was a cold day when I went over to my parent's house after being told to do so by the paramedic I spoke to on the phone when I rang to speak to my Dad - I remember it was a cold dark evening the day he died and that I didn't sleep the whole night - I spent it in complete shock/disbelief and crying my heart out. I remember spending the following day in a complete daze as if I was in this big huge bubble and crying out for someone to come along the burst it for me. I can remember seeing my Dad lying on the floor with his mouth wide open, his shirt ripped open and his teeth lying next to him on the floor (dentures) and his eyes wide and staring up at me fully bloodshot - the aftermath of the attempts of the paramedics. I can remember little things like the fact the shoes he had on were shiny clean, that he was wearing the same cardigan he wore the day before (the last time I saw him), the fact that he was so extremely cold lying dead that I felt I had to get a blanket for him, the fact that he had some stubble on his face yet he'd shaved that morning, and that I tidied his hair because where he'd hit the floor so hard his hair was a bit of a mess. I held his hand whilst he was lying on the floor and it was like ice. I kissed his nose - the first time I've ever kissed my Dad. I felt so bad that the very first time I kissed him he was dead and didn't know. I kissed him again when he was lying in the Chapel of Rest - I've never been so physically close to my Dad as I was during those two awful weeks before he was buried. Why didn't I do it before?

Time is a healer but not as much as everyone seems to tell me. Time doesn't heal as quickly as everyone says. I'm hoping that once I get the year out of the way I can stop looking back quite so much and get on with my life and smile a bit more. The slightest thing at the moment sets me off. It's been an awful year and one I desperately need to put behind me, especially as I've two young children to think about.

Anyway I'm rambling on now! Keep posting if you want - its nice to know I'm not alone on this one too. XXX

[linjasmom]

Oh Barney2, I am so sorry. As I said, I felt that once I passed the one-year-mark, it somehow got better, but of course it is not going fast. When I have one of those days when I am completely falling apart my adorable 15-month-old dd comes up to me, hugs and kisses me and brings me some of her toys.... I let her see when I am down because I believe she has to learn that there are sad days in life as well. I tell her why I am so sad and I feel she understands it has nothing to do with her and just accepts it.
By the way, I did not suffer as much on the anniversary of the day my Ma actually died as it was very early in the morning (4:44 a. m.), but the day before when I was all worried, going to my parents and then to the hospital at night.... I kind of relived the whole day, kept thinking a year ago I did this and that and so on. We were with her when she passed away and for a long time I just kept seeing her there in a coma, me trying to will her back to life and then finally giving up....
I am able to put that to the back of my mind now and just let it out when I feel I can cope with it, but I know what you mean. I hope you will get "better" once the year has passed iyswim. I am convinced that we will never heal completely but it is also a nice thought because what we had can never be replaced as it was so good. Whenever someone aks how I am and I say fine, in my mind I finish the sentence with "except for my Ma...."
I don't think I would have been able to cope as I have had I not been pregnant.... I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you. I would like to stay in touch....


Big hugs!!

Linjasmom

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Barney2

Nine months is but a blink in the eye in terms of bereavement.

I would suggest you talk with CRUSE about your Dad's death and your emotions surrounding same. I really think it would help you hence me mentioning them. I think what you have felt to date is perfectly normal and no, you are not a hopeless case at all (this was a comment you wrote in a previous message).

Re your comment:-
I've considered counselling but I feel I should be able to cope but life is so hard and I just don't know"

I hope you have now managed to get past the feelings you expressed in that comment you made above. Why do you feel that you should be able to cope - it is not a sign of weakness or perceived failing at all to say that you are finding things hard.

CRUSE's website is as follows:-
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

I wish you well, please call them and talk.

[Wilbur]

Hey Barney2 - how are you? I wanted to agree with attila - she's right, now would maybe be a good time to see a counsellor or at least contact Cruse as they often have a waiting list and it could be several months before you can see someone. You were right to wait - I definitely went too soon to see someone after my mother died and I used to sit there with just shock and nothing to say. But after my father died I waited a bit and then started seeing a wonderful woman, went to her for about 5 months and just talked and it helped amazingly. It also helped with a difficult situation between me and my sister (similar to your feelings about your brother) and gave me space to rant a bit and then think a bit. Do give the idea some thought - your posts are clear-headed but full of frustration and sadness and it's exactly those feelings that bereavement counselling can help the most. Take care xx

[barney2]

Hi linjasmom - Thanks again. It's good to know you're there. I'm ok. Very tired at the moment but don't know why. My head is full of lots to think about which is probably why, plus busy with two children. In answer to the question why haven't I gone for counselling (Attila & Wilbur) and why do I think I should be able to cope. This is because I have a mum who has coped so well with losing her husband and I guess I feel I should be able to do the same. I get no real sympathy from mum - she's quite a hard independent woman and she's never been one to come up and give you a hug when you've needed one - when I was a child she was quite strict, never gave you a kiss or showed any emotions at all. She is now making a new life for herself although she's obviously very sad Dad has gone but each time I've got upset about losing Dad she's been the first to say 'come on, life goes on, just forget about it...' and I find this really hard to cope with. So as a result I guess I'm trying to be just as strong and ignore my own grieving and get on with life.

Oh I don't know. I asked my GP for help and he told me to go away and think about it and come back if I still felt I needed AD but I couldn't face going back and in the back of my mind I kept telling myself 'Dad wouldn't have wanted me taking tablets etc etc'....

Anyway I'll be ok. I'm dreading next week. I'm not really enjoying life at the moment. I'm just in a 'plodding along' stage.....I keep saying that I can't wait to get the year out of the way and yes, I will be glad to say 'this time last year Dad was already gone' - next year can't be any worse than the one I'm in now.

Even now I still can't believe my lovely kind, gentle, funny, caring, warm Dad has died. XX

[barney2]

linjasmom - whats your email addr? I'll email you separately...xxx

[buktus]

Hi barney good to see you re still posting, i feel for you so much and next week is going to be so hard, would it be an idea to do something that day, i did with the first anniversary - you could take the kids out for the day to a farm or somewhere or a nice walk, just a suggestion really i know it helped me - i wouldnt concentrate too much on how everyone else is grieving you have to do what is best for you, im ten years on and sometimes its so raw still, the only thing other than my children that gives me comfort is a medium i see but i know that is not for everyone, keep in touch

[linjasmom]

Hi Barney, my e-mail-addy is [email protected]. Talk to u later then!

[barney2]

Hi Buktus. Nice to hear from you again. I will do something next weekend but don't know what. I feel I ought to spend some time with my Mum but she's so far in front of me with regards to getting on with life I'd hate to drag her down if I'm miserable. But at the same time I don't want her being on her own. I want to have a normal weekend, if thats possible. My DH keeps asking me if I'd like to do something different but I don't want to draw attention to the fact its the same day that my Dad died. I'll probably have a normal Saturday and light a candle during the day and put it in the window. That's as much as I feel I can do without getting upset. I think my children have seen me upset more than enough but then again linjasmom made a good point which I agree with - whilst I shouldn't cry non-stop in front of them it doesn't do them any harm to see me upset because then they know they can express their feelings in front of me - and that life isn't always a bed of roses. xx

[buktus]

have you thought about visiting a medium or is that something you wouldnt consider