My Dad died suddenly 9 months ago - I can't get over losing him.......

[barney2]

I'm still so devastated at losing my lovely Dad - he died suddenly at home on his own, whilst my Mum was at work, almost 9 months ago. I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone - she told me 'he's had a bit of an accident' and to get over there immediately. I knew he had died because otherwise she'd have said he was ok. I drove over to find my Mum at the backdoor nodding from side to side and in tears. My Dad was lying by the phone, dead. He had to have a PM and they found he'd had a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he looked ok although said he didn't feel too good.

I just can't accept that I'll never see him again. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes and feel that even though I'm happily married with two lovely daughters that I want to be with my Dad. I was quite close to him especially during his last few months because he had a car accident three months before he died - he got hit late one night by a 19yo drink driver and Dad never really got over the accident - Dad has his car written off - he'd never scratched a car in his life. He died aged 76. He was such a lovely guy, always laughing and joking. I miss him so much. I just don't know how to believe I'll never see him again, hear him again and he'll never make me smile again.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[Roman6]

My Dad died unexpectedly in hospital earlier this year in March, after a successful routine operation and 1 day before his 82nd birthday and supposed 'release.' My Dad had a terror of hospitals. Having been admitted 3 days previously, looking at least 25 years younger than he was (no grey hair!!), he was stolen prematurely due to poor aftercare. Not an hour goes by when I do not beat myself up for believing I could have done something, seen the signs, been there. The whole family were spectators as the staff tried to perform 6 cycles of resuscitation to no avail. I lay on the floor sobbing, begging them to not give up on him. Unfortunately, you assume nothing will go wrong in hospitals, they've all the equipment, the trained staff....well not on Palm Sunday & with insufficient beds in the high dependency unit. The whole family is devastated and grieving in very different ways. I don't want the last 24 hours of an amazing man's life to become the overriding memory of an incredibly full & successful life. Despite death being the one certainty in life, us humans spend a lifetime carefully skirting around this, preferring to fill our minds with now seemingly insignificant anxieties. Dad was my best friend and I his 'best son' (despite being the older daughter). My only child's Dad died aged 48, when she was just 6, so Grandad had a very significant place in her little heart as well. One week prior to my Dad's 'passing into a different dimension' (I'm avoiding words like 'never,' 'death' etc), I had just moved my daughter's school from London in order to be more local. After 51 years of shared memories and a huge helping of genetics, I am trying to take comfort in the belief that he will always be with me. Having had the pleasure of knowing such a wonderful man, I want to protect his legacy by ensuring he lives on in us. I know he wouldn't thank us for giving up on a life that he loved. I miss him all the time and am trying to get used to living with that gutted feeling however have to believe time will heal and that I knew Dad, how he thought, what he'd say in certain situations, what made him cross or cry with laughter...ergo in some important capacity he is still very much alive. Parents are a bit like oxygen. They are there from that first gasp of life & you just assume they will always be there. I can't bring my Dad's physical presence back but I can keep the rest of him alive through how I continue to live life.This was the first time I have ever used such a site so apologies for the offload - I could have gone on still. I think it does perhaps help to write stuff down & to know we are not alone in our suffering. After 6 months, I'm still at that stage of muddling through, trying to find a clear path to stumble down in the hope that one day I can take a gentle jog down that same path without being hampered by grief.

[brownie40]

Hi there, I just wanted to talk to someone. My dad died suddenly 7 weeks ago and I am in total shock. He wasn't even ill, he was a fit and healthy, active man and he was so lovely. I turned up at the hospital whilst CPR was being performed on him, and it was so brutal I was worried he would be in pain when he came round, but he didn't come round.
What makes it worse is that he had just had his 70th birthday, and I had said to him 'don't you be going anywhere, I couldn't cope with it if you did.' He said 'why are you worrying, I'm not going anywhere' then 10 days later he died. We had just had 2 big celebrations for his 70th and made a big fuss of him. We went to Butlins over Easter for his birthday but without him, as he had planned and paid for it. Everyone else was laughing and checking in, we were crying and checking in.
My mum was dependant on my dad, he drove her everywhere, paid for everything, washed her hair etc. She has totally gone to pieces. Her bereavement counselling starts on 1st June and I am pleased for her. For myself, I have got to wait 6 months for counselling because I live in the Feltham area rather than the Hounslow area. Also I have tried to contact Cruse but can never get through, I then contacted my local branch, only to be told that they can't help me because I don't live in Richmond.
I feel so alone and grief stricken. I am also trying to look after 2 children and I don't want it to impact on them too much. I am sure you all understand the dark place I am in at the moment, I have physical heart pain from grieving for my dad, I want him so badly, and I have never cried so much in all my life.
I have looked on websites and got booklets from the registry office and they all say that things will get easier and I will feel better but I find this hard to believe.
I would love it if someone could reply to me, thank you very much.

[lucyandpoppy123]

neillovesdad So sorry to hear about your dad, this is an old thread so may not get many responses, theres a lovely supportive thread you could post on here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2871949-Support-For-Anyone-That-Has-Lost-A-Parent xx

[neillovesdad]

my lovley dad the a week ago today,,im not sure how to handle it,,im 41 and i fell like a little boy who needs his dad,,he dies very suddenly with out even feeling ill it was a aaa rupture,,i didnt live with my dad when i was young because my parants split up and i cried most days for many many years wanting my dad,,then when i was 32 here came to live near me it was my dream come true,,we had many good times he saw my son grow up and have children himself,,with general life and work i didnt see hime as much as i should but i was allways there for him and made sure he was ok,,no he has left me im not sure how im going to cope,,i would so love to no he has gone to a better place and that 1 day i will see him again,,i just wanted to say i love my dad so very very much,,im just the boy who loves his dad,,x

[hidingwithwine]

Oh OP...I'm approaching the 1st anniversary of when my dad died and in many ways I feel worse now than I did then. I don't have any words of wisdom because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to face, but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone

[elspethw76]

hi i am so sorry to hear of your loss it must be really hard for you i feel your pain .i was on holiday when my dad took a heart attack and died he was so healthy,i feel guilty every day as i was not there and i should have ,all i can say to you is be strong and there is people out there who are in the same boat take care lovely xx

[barney2]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your threads. I'm doing ok. The anniversary of Dad's death was pretty sad - in fact the whole weekend was - the Saturday being the day he died a year ago. I tried my hardest to be 'normal' but it didn't work. I spent most of the day being miserable and snappy with the children. I put some fresh flowers on Dad's grave and it was nice to see the rest of my family had done the same and my first impression was that it showed how much we all love him and miss him.

Even after over a year I still find it extremely hard to accept he's gone. I wonder if I'll ever accept it. I was at Mum's yesterday and find the house so quiet without him and still expect to see him coming in the back door, putting the kettle on, rattling around with the mugs, making the tea, finding the 'posh' biscuits which he always kept at the back of the cupboard, then sitting down asking me about the children and me taking great pride in telling him what they've been up to etc etc.

I can tell from everyone's threads that I'm not the only one to have lost a parent, especially so suddenly but its been such a hard year and I never want to go through losing someone I love so much ever again.

[MrsFish]

Hi Barney2 just read this thread and I was wondering how you were getting on. I lost my dad suddenly in Jan 05 he was 59, saw him Xmas day and he seemed fine, he died of a chest infection they couldn't treat as they found out he had leukemia, no one knew till he had the tests. I find it very hard too, it will have been his 61st b'day next week. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and it hurts that he never got to see his grandson.

All I can say is, it does get better as the time goes by, but he will be with you always xx

[buktus]

how are you doing barney

[LoveMyGirls]

havent had chance to read this whole thread, i havent lost my parents but i wanted to say im thinking of you and would like to thank you for replying on my thread (about our GP) when your grief is so much more painful.

love to you and yours and i really hope you can start enjoying life again as your dad would want you to.

The things you say about wondering if he's looking down on you etc i really believe he will be and that he will be smiling and trying to make things go right for you.

[buktus]

Thinking of you today barney xx

[Judy1234]

How dreadful. Poor you. 2 years ago today we buried my mother. It was Remembrance Day. My son played the Last Post on his trumpet. I sang from Faure's Requiem. She was only 75. I think it does just take a long time to get over deaths, for anyone everywhere. 9 months is still fairly early days.

[linjasmom]

Hey Barney, thinking of you, too. Big hug!

[tattygirl]

Thinking of you today, Barney 2. Hope it goes ok.

[barney2]

Buktus - I don't know enough about mediums to pass comment really!!! Hi KathH - nice to hear from you again. I will do something next Saturday but simply don't know what. There is a craft fayre going on locally and I love arts and crafts and so does my eldest so we may go to that - there's puppet shows on and activities for the children so maybe.....!!! I'm having a real hang up about the whole day at the moment - I'm usually quite a well organised person and keep a strict calendar - I work part-time and I'm running around alot here there and everywhere but I'm so undecided about next weekend. Very unlike me! I'll keep thinking! ....and you keep posting! xx

[KathH]

Barney2 sorry havenr been around much lately. Definately agree with the idea of doing something special with your children on the anniversary date - instead of being a sad day for your family (well an even sadder day really) turn it into a special day when you can all think of your dad but in a good way if that makes sense.

[buktus]

have you thought about visiting a medium or is that something you wouldnt consider

[barney2]

Hi Buktus. Nice to hear from you again. I will do something next weekend but don't know what. I feel I ought to spend some time with my Mum but she's so far in front of me with regards to getting on with life I'd hate to drag her down if I'm miserable. But at the same time I don't want her being on her own. I want to have a normal weekend, if thats possible. My DH keeps asking me if I'd like to do something different but I don't want to draw attention to the fact its the same day that my Dad died. I'll probably have a normal Saturday and light a candle during the day and put it in the window. That's as much as I feel I can do without getting upset. I think my children have seen me upset more than enough but then again linjasmom made a good point which I agree with - whilst I shouldn't cry non-stop in front of them it doesn't do them any harm to see me upset because then they know they can express their feelings in front of me - and that life isn't always a bed of roses. xx

[linjasmom]

Hi Barney, my e-mail-addy is [email protected]. Talk to u later then!

[buktus]

Hi barney good to see you re still posting, i feel for you so much and next week is going to be so hard, would it be an idea to do something that day, i did with the first anniversary - you could take the kids out for the day to a farm or somewhere or a nice walk, just a suggestion really i know it helped me - i wouldnt concentrate too much on how everyone else is grieving you have to do what is best for you, im ten years on and sometimes its so raw still, the only thing other than my children that gives me comfort is a medium i see but i know that is not for everyone, keep in touch

[barney2]

linjasmom - whats your email addr? I'll email you separately...xxx

[barney2]

Hi linjasmom - Thanks again. It's good to know you're there. I'm ok. Very tired at the moment but don't know why. My head is full of lots to think about which is probably why, plus busy with two children. In answer to the question why haven't I gone for counselling (Attila & Wilbur) and why do I think I should be able to cope. This is because I have a mum who has coped so well with losing her husband and I guess I feel I should be able to do the same. I get no real sympathy from mum - she's quite a hard independent woman and she's never been one to come up and give you a hug when you've needed one - when I was a child she was quite strict, never gave you a kiss or showed any emotions at all. She is now making a new life for herself although she's obviously very sad Dad has gone but each time I've got upset about losing Dad she's been the first to say 'come on, life goes on, just forget about it...' and I find this really hard to cope with. So as a result I guess I'm trying to be just as strong and ignore my own grieving and get on with life.

Oh I don't know. I asked my GP for help and he told me to go away and think about it and come back if I still felt I needed AD but I couldn't face going back and in the back of my mind I kept telling myself 'Dad wouldn't have wanted me taking tablets etc etc'....

Anyway I'll be ok. I'm dreading next week. I'm not really enjoying life at the moment. I'm just in a 'plodding along' stage.....I keep saying that I can't wait to get the year out of the way and yes, I will be glad to say 'this time last year Dad was already gone' - next year can't be any worse than the one I'm in now.

Even now I still can't believe my lovely kind, gentle, funny, caring, warm Dad has died. XX

[Wilbur]

Hey Barney2 - how are you? I wanted to agree with attila - she's right, now would maybe be a good time to see a counsellor or at least contact Cruse as they often have a waiting list and it could be several months before you can see someone. You were right to wait - I definitely went too soon to see someone after my mother died and I used to sit there with just shock and nothing to say. But after my father died I waited a bit and then started seeing a wonderful woman, went to her for about 5 months and just talked and it helped amazingly. It also helped with a difficult situation between me and my sister (similar to your feelings about your brother) and gave me space to rant a bit and then think a bit. Do give the idea some thought - your posts are clear-headed but full of frustration and sadness and it's exactly those feelings that bereavement counselling can help the most. Take care xx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Barney2

Nine months is but a blink in the eye in terms of bereavement.

I would suggest you talk with CRUSE about your Dad's death and your emotions surrounding same. I really think it would help you hence me mentioning them. I think what you have felt to date is perfectly normal and no, you are not a hopeless case at all (this was a comment you wrote in a previous message).

Re your comment:-
I've considered counselling but I feel I should be able to cope but life is so hard and I just don't know"

I hope you have now managed to get past the feelings you expressed in that comment you made above. Why do you feel that you should be able to cope - it is not a sign of weakness or perceived failing at all to say that you are finding things hard.

CRUSE's website is as follows:-
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

I wish you well, please call them and talk.

[linjasmom]

Oh Barney2, I am so sorry. As I said, I felt that once I passed the one-year-mark, it somehow got better, but of course it is not going fast. When I have one of those days when I am completely falling apart my adorable 15-month-old dd comes up to me, hugs and kisses me and brings me some of her toys.... I let her see when I am down because I believe she has to learn that there are sad days in life as well. I tell her why I am so sad and I feel she understands it has nothing to do with her and just accepts it.
By the way, I did not suffer as much on the anniversary of the day my Ma actually died as it was very early in the morning (4:44 a. m.), but the day before when I was all worried, going to my parents and then to the hospital at night.... I kind of relived the whole day, kept thinking a year ago I did this and that and so on. We were with her when she passed away and for a long time I just kept seeing her there in a coma, me trying to will her back to life and then finally giving up....
I am able to put that to the back of my mind now and just let it out when I feel I can cope with it, but I know what you mean. I hope you will get "better" once the year has passed iyswim. I am convinced that we will never heal completely but it is also a nice thought because what we had can never be replaced as it was so good. Whenever someone aks how I am and I say fine, in my mind I finish the sentence with "except for my Ma...."
I don't think I would have been able to cope as I have had I not been pregnant.... I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you. I would like to stay in touch....


Big hugs!!

Linjasmom