My Dad died suddenly 9 months ago - I can't get over losing him.......

[barney2]

I'm still so devastated at losing my lovely Dad - he died suddenly at home on his own, whilst my Mum was at work, almost 9 months ago. I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone - she told me 'he's had a bit of an accident' and to get over there immediately. I knew he had died because otherwise she'd have said he was ok. I drove over to find my Mum at the backdoor nodding from side to side and in tears. My Dad was lying by the phone, dead. He had to have a PM and they found he'd had a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he looked ok although said he didn't feel too good.

I just can't accept that I'll never see him again. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes and feel that even though I'm happily married with two lovely daughters that I want to be with my Dad. I was quite close to him especially during his last few months because he had a car accident three months before he died - he got hit late one night by a 19yo drink driver and Dad never really got over the accident - Dad has his car written off - he'd never scratched a car in his life. He died aged 76. He was such a lovely guy, always laughing and joking. I miss him so much. I just don't know how to believe I'll never see him again, hear him again and he'll never make me smile again.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[barney2]

You are so right. He knew, actually out of the three of us, (myself, brother and sister) that I was the one that would have dropped everything to help him out. The last time my brother saw him was 2 months prior to Dad's death, my sister it was 6 weeks. Me, 24 hours. Says it all I guess....

[Wordsmith]

Barney, what Ruby has said is so true. There is nothing more you could have done for your dad. You were obviously a very loving daughter and I have no doubt at all that he would have known that and appreciated it. From everything you say he sounds so much like my own lovely dad - wearing a tie, combing his hair etc, very 'old school' - and such a wonderful gandad. My two boys were his only grandchildren and I am so grateful for the five years he had with DS1 and the year or so he had with DS2, My dad led a good long life (he was 80 when he died) and the one thing that still upsets me is the thought that my kids will grow up without him. (My fault for not having them till I was in my late 30's I suppose!)

I think a lot of your sadness comes from the suddenness of your dad's death, and the 'undignified'way he died (please don't take that the wrong way, I hope you understand what I mean, and that you haven't had 'closure'. I really think a letter would help. You can burn it afterwards or put it away in a box on a high shelf, whatever. And don't worry about what you say. Just say what you feel. I wrote a sort of eulogy about my dad which was read out at his funeral - I wanted people to know what he meant to me and my family. It really helped that I had written it down and that it was 'out there'. This is what I said:

"My brothers and I will miss our Dad more than words can say. To each of us he was very special and we all have our own memories of him as we grew up. I particularly remember the stories he used to tell us in bed on weekend mornings: Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood especially, and how he could do a very convincing scary wolf voice. There are also many happy memories of holidays on the beach in Wales, when he would spend hours helping DB1 construct detailed irrigation systems in the sand, before finally letting the seawaters flood in. And to DB2 he was an invaluable fishing coach, passing on all his trade secrets from father to son, until the son regularly began to bring home a bigger and more impressive catch than the father.

Each of us can recall countless occasions on which his support and wisdom proved invaluable and showed us the right way to proceed. I have relied on him so many times and I was as proud of him as he was of me when he walked me down the aisle of this church on my wedding day to DH. But perhaps the role to which he was most suited in life was the one he had so little time to enjoy: as grandfather to DS1 and DS2. His love and enthusiasm for the boys, his endless patience with them, and their fun and mutual delight in each other's company has enriched their early lives and I am sure that DS1, especially, will never forget him.

Dad's strong faith meant he did not fear death. He will always be with us in our hearts, and the example of love, patience, tolerance and kindness he set for us will be our guide for the future."

[Wilbur]

Wordsmith - that's beautiful, what a perfect tribute to your dad, you've got me blubbing now.

[Wordsmith]

Thanks Wilbur

[barney2]

Wordsmith. I don't know what to say. What you wrote was absolutely beautiful. I wish I could do something like that. It would take me hours to write something like that, although I know I could easily write something in normal circumstances, but I'd end up crying and putting the pen down. I find it so hard to write a note with the flowers I put on his grave. So much so the last bunch, sunflowers, went on without a note because I just couldn't write a thing.

I think you are right in what you say about how hard it has been for me to cope with the suddeness of my Dad's death and also how much he would have hated it if he knew Mum had found him lying there - he would also have hated the idea of the paramedics trying to bring him back because he would have pushed them away for fear of having to undergo operations/treatments etc. He was always one to not trouble people - he'd never have rung for an ambulance because 'paramedics are busy enough without worrying about me' etc etc

I gave the idea of visiting him in the Chapel of Rest serious thought - for two reasons. One - he wouldn't have wanted anyone to see him lying there and I also knew he'd undergone a PM and with all that they do preparing a body to be visited I knew he'd look so different. I just wanted to eradicate my last memory of him lying on the floor, with his eyes wide open and bloodshot, his mouth wide open and his teeth lying beside him (he had dentures) and his shirt ripped open - but it didn't help because they'd done such an awful job with him - he looked absolutely horrible. I cried out when I walked into the room he was in 'what have they done to you'. It took me ages to believe it was him lying in that beautiful coffin.

I still can't type anything on this MN without crying. It's been a really heavy week for me - my emotions are all over the place. Each time I sit here and type my kids are coming in and asking why I'm crying.

I'm glad Dad had almost 7 years with my eldest and 18 months with my youngest but I'd do anything to bring him back - he was the best Grandad and I so wish I could have him back, even if its just for a few minutes, just so I could tell him all the things I wanted to say before he went without giving me the chance. x

[barney2]

Thank you ruby - I need to believe in myself and get it into my head that I could not have done any more. I guess I will eventually.....it takes time I suppose. xx

[Wordsmith]

Oh Barney you poor thing. To be honest I think if my last sightings of my dad had been as traumatic as yours, I would probably be feeling as bad as you do now. Please try and remember him as he was before then. You need to get past those images. Perhaps put together a montage of photos to look at when you feel the need, or something?

Don't be too impressed by my euology - I write for a living so it was easy, almost, for me to express myself that way. If you find it too hard to write then perhaps you can express your love for your dad in another way - plant a tree that reminds you of him, photos (as above) or something?

I have to go out now but I sincerely hope that you can get some comfort from this thread. It's certainly helping me. Be kind to yourself, Barney. It's what your dad would have wanted.

[barney2]

Thank you wordsmith. I've not a clue who you are but you sound lovely....

I have already planted a rose in memory of my Dad and it happens to be in flower at the moment. He loved red roses (not that he was romantic or anything) so I bought one ages ago and was going to put it on his grave and decided to keep it and plant it in a tub in the garden.

Stupidly I don't have many photos of him. The few I have were taken just before he died and he looks pretty awful in them. The others I have are years old but the difference in them is amazing which makes me realise how old he'd got to look towards the end.

My Mum has a lovely framed picture of loads of photos of him - one of which is of him sat with my youngest on his lap. I'm hoping to get it copied but then again I look at it and well up but I can always put it away somewhere until I'm ready to hang it.

I'm trying my absolute hardest to keep going - I'm trying to be a 'normal, happy' Mum but its not easy. I find I snap so quickly with the kids, especially at the moment because of it being school holidays etc. I love my girls but after a while I feel I just want some space and time on my own, but rarely get the chance.

I'm hoping that once I get to the year point - ie November - that'll it all get easier. Fingers crossed I hope it does because then I think I'll feel I'm living my life again rather than keep putting it on hold, which is how I feel at the moment. xx

[KathH]

I'm going to tell you all something really personal now, something that I've never even admitted to dh & you're all probably going to think I'm such a cow.

My mum & dad had a terrible marriage - not rows or anything but really dont think they wanted to be together anymore. My dad had even moved into my bedroom & was sleeping in there.

Me & my dad were really close, used to tell each other everything. We used to spend every Saturday together as we supported the same football team (sad I know!) & used to go together to all their home & away matches. The Saturday before he was taken ill, he died of cancer but it was only 3 weeks between him being diagnosed & dying, he was only 50, he told me he was leaving my mum. He never got round to doing it. When he died everyone rallied round my mum which i guess is only natural but sometimes when she talks about him I really feel like screaming at her that i dont know why because she didnt take much interest in him when he was alive. I think what I'm trying to say is that I felt sidelined in terms of oh who misses him the most then? I would never dream of saying it really to her & then i feel really bad for thinking it. Does that make any sense? God I sound like a right bitch

[barney2]

KathH - no, you are not a right bitch for thinking those thoughts. I had a similar experience when my Dad died. Just before my Dad died he had to go to a back/neck specialist because he'd got whiplash from the car accident he had just before he died. I took him in three times a week for his physio and during every journey we would talk about anything/everything. He would tell me what he thought of my brother, how much of an arrogant bloke he is, how his opinion was always the right one and god forbid anyone who would disagree with him. I always came to blows with my brother - I can't stand men like him who think they're always right on everything. Just before Dad died my brother was at my parents house (my brother being a married man etc) and we had a disagreement about something and he shouted at me ordering me to leave my parents house and unless I did straight away he would throw me out. Needless to say I stood my ground but left in floods of tears and found my Dad stood next to my car saying 'it's ok, you know what he's like, the umbilical cord hasn't been cut yet between him and your mother'.

But during the many trips to the physio he always told me that my husband and my brother in law were more like sons to him than his own son was. Yet, I found Dad's death extremely hard to cope with because when he died my brother just took over everything. He arranged the funeral, he took on Mum's finances, he told my Mum he would pay for the funeral/coffin etc yet Mum said she wanted to pay for it all herself. It was so hard to keep my mouth shut - if only he knew what my Dad thought of him. I do partly blame my brother for my Dad's death because it was him that my Dad was going to pick up from the pub when Dad had the accident. He could've easily walked back to my parents or simply not drunk to excess so he could drive.

He's a selfish b***d and I really do hate him. He tries to be like my Dad. He's definitely in my Dad's shoes now. It breaks my heart to see how he tells Mum what to do - he calls her by her christian name. He will never be my Dad, I know that, but its so hard to have lost someone so dear to me who thought so little of his own son yet Mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside and will hear no criticism of him whatsoever. Whenever I talk to Mum about something and I give my opinion on something its always met by 'your brother has told me to do this/not do that' etc. What does he know??? He may be in his 30's but I'm sure he's get to go through puberty yet.

I don't think I'm a bitch for saying all these things. Its the truth and yeah the truth can be cruel. That's life I suppose.

[barney2]

Yes. Good point. Who DOES deserve the most support during grief? My husband's mother lost her mother last year, just before my Dad died. Whilst I don't get on with his mother I offered her all the help and support she needed at such a sad time, although she did know her mother was dying and it took weeks for her to pass away, unlike me with my Dad. When I lost my Dad I had absolutely nothing in the way of support from her and when my husband told her how sad Xmas was for me, being my first one without my Dad, and with Dad only having died a few weeks before, she told him that I wasn't the only one grieving etc etc.

I don't think anyone is entitled to more/less grief than the next person - what does anger me though is that when someone clearly has no time for someone, who later dies, then comes on all heavy with the grieving scenario...ie my brother. He couldn't have given a toss for my Dad yet when Dad died everyone was consoling my brother, being the man of the family, yet when Dad was alive he couldn't have given a damn about him.

I know my Dad is up there nodding in agreement with me - I was the closest, out of the three of us, to my Dad. When I spoke to M&D's neighbours to let them know Dad had died his immediate neighbour told me that only a few days prior to his death he'd told her how helpful I'd been and that I was always around for him and Mum, regardless of how busy I was with work/kids etc. He also told her what a 'warm hearted girl' I was. This made me cry so much at the time. Now I know that was the case, yes I am that sort of person (big headed of me to say, I know) but I guess I'm happy knowing that he thought that way of me before he died, and that hopefully he still does.

xxxx

[barney2]

I'm holding on....holding on.....!!!! XXXXX

[KathH]

Thanks barney - didnt mean to hijack your thread its just that I've never uttered a word to anyone about how I really feel Something you said in an earlier post about your mum struck a chord with me - when the drs told us that my dad was going to die that die I went to give my mum a kiss & I could feel her go rigid. My Gran was alive at the time (my dads mum) & she kind of swept me onto her lap as we were both crying & I could see my mum hissing at me out of the corner of her mouth to get off my gran's knee.

[stoppinattwo]

KathH know where your coming from, I lost my dad in 97 suddenly, he had an asthma attack. My mum had given him a hell of a time for as long as i can remember, he and i were very close.(put it this way I felt at peace when he died........ as if there was nothing left to say to him........ nothing i wished i could have said.

But got really angry with mum afterwards, she suddenly wanted back into our lives. I wasnt ready for the attention from her and felt like saying to her, this was all dad wanted for us to be a happy family, why does it take his death for you to change............ or is it that there is nobody now to take notice of you little tantrums.

[ninah]

so glad you started this thread barney. I am not religious but one of the things the vicar said at both my parents' funerals was that the price of love is loss, which made sense to me. I was always worried about how I'd cope with losing my parents and when I was younger even backed off a little from them ... luckily that time did not last and we were very close in the end particularly dad and I. In a way the depth of your grief is a tribute to your close relationship, nothing is going to make it easier to bear, but wouldn't you rather have had the fantastic relationship you obviously did have with your dad?
He does sound absolutely fantastic, too.

[barney2]

KathH - I'm glad that by starting this thread has given you the chance to share your experiences with me as well as everyone else.

I hope by doing this thread I've not caused too much upset for everyone else. It has certainly helped me to read so much from everyone - its been a very tearful week for me - I've never read such lovely words and its as if I've found a great big family out there. I think I've learnt that 9 months is far too early to even consider getting over my lovely Dad's death. What Ninah wrote was so to the point that the depth of my grief for my Dad is a tribute to our relationship - I hadn't thought of it like that. It makes me look at people in a different light now - for example my Mum who says she's over it and life goes on.....and my brother who is back out drinking with his mates coming back to my Mum's place drunk (he is a married man and lives away) and my sister who can't even be bothered to pick up a watering can to water my Dad's flowers on his grave.

I suppose so long as I carry on doing my little bit for my loving caring Dad - tidying his grave, watering, telling my kids about him, smiling at his photos, looking up at the sky at night at the one twinkling star which I am sure is him then I know I can't do anymore for him. I'm certain he knew how much I loved him and I'm hoping he still does because he is always in my thoughts.

I can't thank you all enough for all that you've done. I've gained more love, help and support in the space of a few days than what I gained in the 9months. I wish I'd found this wonderful site before. You've all been absolutely fantastic. I hope everyone one of you will keep in touch. You truly have been lovely. XXXXXXX

[Adorabelle]

Barney2, My Dad died v.suddenly 10 yrs ago when
I was 19.

I NEVER thought the pain of him dying would go away. But i'm still here living my life which I didn't think I would be to do after his death.

I send you All my Love & I will also say a prayer for you. I'm not overly religeous, Church when needed to go, weddings, christenings, but after my Dad left I did start to talk to him through prayer. In bed at night, when I lay there
awake, wondering where he was. I still talk to him now, in prayer at night & when I go to his grave.

Much Love to you, the pain never goes away but somehow you learn to live with it xxxxxxxx

[Adorabelle]

Barney2 hope you are ok & just wanted to let
you know that i'm still thinking of you x

[barney2]

Hi Adorabelle. Thank you for your notes. I'm always thankful for everything people have written for me in MN. Everyone has been so kind.

I'm ok. I still take each day as it comes though. We went out for a meal with friends yesterday and the husband of one of my friends was a bit arrogant with his opinion of someone dying suddenly and knowing that someone is dying. He started giving his opinion with absolutely no regard for me and my feelings so, needless to say, I got on the defensive and tried to put him in his place saying what does he know, he's not lost anyone in his life the same way I lost my Dad. He said that it must be alot easier losing someone suddenly than it is to know someone is going to die. I agree in some way but nothing in life ever prepares anybody to lose someone suddenly. The shock is immense and that takes as long to get over as it does to come to terms with knowing someone is going to pass away.

Anyway I'm ok. I've taken up the huge hobby of genealogy because I wanted to find out more about my ancestry and its becoming quite interesting and very rewarding. I've got to get on with my life, especially as I have a young family of my own, and I know thats what my Dad would've wanted. I keep thinking, daft as it may seem, that he's permanently watching over me so I try to carry on as normal in the hope that I'm still pleasing him and keeping a smile on his face. I often wonder though (soppy thoughts here...) if he's lonely and crying because he misses us so much. I never saw my Dad cry and wonder if he's shedding a tear now because he was such a family man and absolutely adored his grandchildren. I can't imagine life without my kids so how is he managing? Tell me I'm being daft but I don't want him to be miserable especially as he was never miserable in his life and I don't want him to be lonely either. XX

[Adorabelle]

Oh Barney2 my heart really goes out to you. I had
all the same thoughts after my Dad past, & I believe that yes he will be looking down on you & your children. But he won't be sad as he'll have many wonderful memories & he'll want you to do as you are doing, trying to carry on & live life as normally as possible for your own sanity & the sake of your family.

What an absolute insensitive pig your friends
husband is. If he hasn't lost a close loved one how dare he comment on something he has No knowledge about. You sound like you handled it v.graciously & I aplaud you for that. Don't think I would have been so calm. As you said
people have no idea what the shock & pain is like when you lose someone like this, esp a parent.

You're in my thoughts & prayers, Stay strong, but also remember that you don't have to be brave all the time. Allow yourself to grieve & get the emotions out when they appear. xx