My Dad died suddenly 9 months ago - I can't get over losing him.......

[barney2]

I'm still so devastated at losing my lovely Dad - he died suddenly at home on his own, whilst my Mum was at work, almost 9 months ago. I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone - she told me 'he's had a bit of an accident' and to get over there immediately. I knew he had died because otherwise she'd have said he was ok. I drove over to find my Mum at the backdoor nodding from side to side and in tears. My Dad was lying by the phone, dead. He had to have a PM and they found he'd had a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he looked ok although said he didn't feel too good.

I just can't accept that I'll never see him again. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes and feel that even though I'm happily married with two lovely daughters that I want to be with my Dad. I was quite close to him especially during his last few months because he had a car accident three months before he died - he got hit late one night by a 19yo drink driver and Dad never really got over the accident - Dad has his car written off - he'd never scratched a car in his life. He died aged 76. He was such a lovely guy, always laughing and joking. I miss him so much. I just don't know how to believe I'll never see him again, hear him again and he'll never make me smile again.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[KathH]

Barney 2 - just wanted to say thinking of you & whenever you need to chat I'm here! & anyone else for that matter!

[barney2]

Thank you Adorabelle and KathH. I'm so glad you are there for me and everyone else. I have so many times when I think I'm on my own and feel very lonely trying to cope with all the grief of losing my lovely Dad. But now with MN I feel like I'm not actually on my own and there are people out there I can turn to. It makes me so happy.

I'm doing ok. I'll be glad when I get to the year point and I can stop saying/thinking to myself 'this time last year Dad was doing this/that'. I don't want to wish my time away but it must be much easier saying 'this time last year Dad had already died'. I know I found January 1st quite an important day for me because then I could say he died last year.

My Mum isn't very well at the moment now so I've got her to worry about. I worry about her anyway because she's now living on her own - first time for 67 years but I ring her a fair bit and going over to see her today. She's quite a hard person and I wish, sometimes, just sometimes, she'd come down to my level a bit and if we had a good cry together it may help but she's gone beyond that now and hasn't really got the time for tears/showing of emotions etc.

Anyway I'll keep in touch and hope you will too. XX

[buktus]

My dad dies ten years ago and i cant believe it is that long ago, time is a great healer but since having my children i constantly try to imagine what life would have been like for them having a grampy and how much fun they would have had together. He died aged 42 i was nearly fifteen he was murdered and left for dead and due to the police investigation we couldny bury him for two months - it makes it hard knowing that someone took him from him away from me and the fear he must have been feeling, it is so hard never saying goodbye he had so much to live for, my dh lost his dad at sixteen in a car accident and we are a great comfort for each other, my only comfort is spiritual knowing that he can watch over me and one day we will see each other again

[Adorabelle]

Hi Buktus, my story is incredibly similar to your
own. My Dad was also murdered (nearly 11 yrs ago)
& due to a very poor/inadequate investigation by the police his murderers were never brought to justice. I was 19. He was 36.

As you said the sheer injustice of never being able to say goodbye & all the other stuff yuo would have said is heartbreaking. I nearly sent myself mad (actually did end up hospitalised due my mental state at the time) but I echo your words that time does make life & learning to live without your loved one easier.

I send both you Buktus and you Barney2 lots of Love. Hope you are doing ok Barney2 & you had a good visit with your mum xx

[buktus]

the hardest thing i find to deal with is knowing the person who has created all of your grief and tears is still out there and that you may have even passed them in the street - it makes me feel sick thinking about it - how can someone else take a person life did you have the same problems with being able to bury him

[barney2]

Hi Adorabelle. Yea I'm doing ok. Sorry I didn't realise your Dad had been murdered. How awful. And Buktus too. I can't even begin to imagine how you both dealt with that and at such young ages yourself too.

I can in one way see how hard it is for you knowing that the person responsible for your Dad's death is still living their own lives quite happily. My Dad had a car accident three months before he died - he'd never dented a car in his life. He got hit by a 19yo boy driving too fast and three times over the limit. He'd also been witnessed taking ectasy that night too. He was arrested and taken to court and given a twelve month ban. He is now back on the road and because he lives just a few doors from my Mum she is being regularly made aware that the boy has his licence back and is now on the road again because he's making a nuisance of himself already - ie wheel spinning, handbrake turns, high speed pulling away etc etc. My Mum has to live next to that for as long as she chooses to stay in the house she shared with my Dad.

That boy killed my Dad. Mum had the chance to do him for death by dangerous driving but she chose not too. Her decision. My Dad was fine before that accident, three months after it he is dead. My Dad forgave the boy for hitting him (writing my Dad's car off the road and sending his BP up through the roof, which then brought on his fatal heart attack). I HATE that boy so much. What a complete idiot. When he hit my Dad I would often say to Dad 'he could've killed someone'...well he did but it took three months for my Dad's heart to finally give out. He was never the same after that accident. He went very grey and very old.

I think about my Dad every day. He was an incredibly nice bloke. He didn't have one bad word to say about anybody. He lived the right side of the law all his life, paid his way, and did a fantastic job bringing up three kids and absolutely adored his grandchildren, one of which was only 18mths when he died (my youngest). It breaks my heart to think my kids won't see their granddad again. If its at all possible I miss him more every day.

Had he become ill and we knew he wasn't going to live for much longer it may have helped but to lose someone so quickly and due to an irresponsible boy-racer who can't control his drink/drugs problem but thinks he can drive a car is just awful. With any luck he'll kill himself soon enough.

[sha11]

barney - read through the whole thread, been crying all the way through. I lost my son in a R.T accident and still wish the driver(unknown)of the car DEATH for seperating me from my little boy who would have been 6. so I dont blame you for your thoughts. if I was you I'd probably shoot him or have him kneecapped... sorry i just had to say that.

[fairyjay]

Losing anyone you love is dreadful, but to lose them in such an 'unnatural' way must be so hard to live with.

[Adorabelle]

Barney2, I can totally sympathise with the Hate
you are feeling at the moment. I still feel a certain degree of hatred towards the person/s who murdered my Dad. But I found that I could Not carry on hating these people so vehimently, as it was detremental to my own sanity.

They were not brought to justice, but I know in my heart that they will pay for what they did to
my Dad, & for all the heartache & pain they have
caused me, in their next life they will pay for it 10 fold.

Butkus, thankfully we were able to bury my Dad
pretty soon after the post mortem. How awful for you & your family to have to wait so long to finally lay your Dear Dad to rest.
God Bless to all on this thread who are in pain through the loss of a loved one, My prayers are with you all tonight xx

[barney2]

sha11 - how dreadful for you. The one blessing with my Dad was that he lived to almost 77 years old - and spent most of that in good health. To lose a young child must be absolutely awful. Reading your thread has made me realise yet again how lucky I was to have someone so special in my life for so long. For you to lose someone equally as special, if not moreso, at such a young age must be a hundred times worse. I feel so guilty for being so selfish when you've been through far worse than me. I'm sorry....xxxxxxx

[Adorabelle]

Shar11, I am SO sorry that I did not include my
thoughts to you in my last post. Talking to Barney2 & buktus over the last few days has consumed my thoughts (with both of them losing thie Dad) & forgetting to add a personal note to you was very lax of me.

My dd was 2 in June, & after I had her thoughts of her dying did enter my head, as is probably normal of a 1st time mum, cot death etc. How you got through losing a child is beyond me, I cannot in my wildest dreams comprehend it.

But you have come through the other end & all I can possible say is that I admire you for that. I hope that you will stay intouch on this thread & as I have said with other m.netters my thoughts are with you & I will pray for both you
& your ds. Much Love to you Sha11 xx

[buktus]

barney2 dont feel silly at all the pain of losing someone you love hurts no matter what age you lose them i think the older they are the memories you have to recap on hurt so much and the younger they were the more you tend to ponder on what there life would have been like. I also lost my sister in an accident i was 5 she was 4 (20 yrs ago) she died in front of me and much the same of you i can strongly remember her last moments of how she looked and it has been hard to get past that, i always wonder what it would have been like if she had lived would she have had kids by now, etc etc. Dont beat yourself up, it has only been nine months, when people tell you time will help at this unrational point of time it wont make sense and you wont believe how it will but it will gradually in years to come. I try to focus on being able to tell my children about the wonderful grampy they have in the clouds, every so often we blow up balloons and let them float away so my dad can look after them (the children love this), i have an album dedicated to my dad and sister that the eldest ones look through - all of these things are my comfort. You are not alone i really feel for you so much your family situation is very similar to mine, why does it take someone to die for everybody to show their real colours, i was a lot closer to my dad than my mum and it was only when he died i realised how much that affected her it was almost jealousy of our relationship. Try to think about your last good memories instead of his last moments, i wasnt allowed to go and see my dad partly beacuse of my age at the time and his head injuries were quite severe that the coroner didnt think it would be wise, i did go to the undertakers to see the coffin before the funeral which helped. I am so glad you started this thread sending you lots of hugs xx

[sha11]

thanks adorabelle and barney. but dont say sorry for anything, its not possible to compare each others loss or pain... my son was 4 1/2 now would have been 6 1/2 its going to be 2 years next week. I have around 20 pictures of him around the house - it helps me to cope, I still have all his toys and lunchbox in his bedroom and his clothes still hanging in the wardrobe, its very hard but you have to continue with life, many times I would have done anything to be with him,on but that time will come when god wills. I found this poem on another thread:

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said ...
For you to love the while he lives ... and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two and three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you. And shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from Earth return.
But there are lessons, taught down there, I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in search for teachers true,

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now ... will you give him all your love ... nor think the labor in vain?

Nor ... hate me when I come to call ... to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard you say ...
?Dear Lord, it will be done!

?For all the joy Your Child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.

?We'll shelter him with tenderness. We'll love him while we may,

?And for the happiness we've known ... forever grateful stay.

?But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
?We'll brave the bitter grief that comes ... and try to understand.?

this poem touches my heart. Love to you all, thinking of you xxx

[barney2]

I'm speechless....I don't know what to say. xxxx

[Adorabelle]

Shar11 & Barney2, i'm up late & reading your posts.

sha11, You have reduced me to tears, Not an especially good day anyhow.....

Can only send you much Love, & hope & wishes that you stay on this thread/ or the like to help myself, Barney2, buktus etc...

God Bless all of you, sha11 I will say a special
prayer for you tonight xx

[Dunnyjo]

Barney2 i am so sorry for your loss of your dad, i too am stil grieving and today i am having such an awful day. It was nearly 7 months ago i lost my mum. It was a horrid shock and so damn painful that the pain is still the same now right this minute as to when we were holding onto her praying she would not slip away, begging for her to hold on and just open her eyes and smile at us. I just feel it was so unfair she had to go when she did, espec when i was preg and needed her with me.
I am sorry i am not very supportive but i just want you to know i totally understand about this horrid, horrid pain that stays with you every time you wake up and you just wish it would go away. I ache so much too some days i have no idea how on earth i will get through the hour let alone day.
I see a grieving counc and i find it does help enen if i just end up crying!
I send all my love to you x x x x

[Dunnyjo]

oh sha11! I did not read all the post, too busy typing my own thoughts in. I send all my love to you i could never imagine how heartbreaking his is for you x x x x x x

[Scoobydooooo]

I am sorry you have lost your dad it really is such a shock when these things happen so quickly.

I lost my Dad 12 years ago now, he was only 47 & i was only 12 it has been the most difficult time of my life, in fact i was lieing in bed last night thinking about him & aslo thinking about what he looked like & how i would love to see him again.

My dad died very suddenlt too from a tragic accident, he had just brought a pub which was one of his dreams he brought it in the november & it was a big move for us all away from our home town, then in january late one night when all the family were there he was laughing & playing cards behind the bar, i will never forget the last moment when i watched him knock his G&T back & walk away, that was the last i ever saw of him, he was then discovered about 1 hr later at the bottom of the cellar stairs dead.

He was my life i was so close to my dad as a child & i loved being with him, he made my life so happy & also made veryone around him very happy.

I remember for the 1st 6 months i did not leave my bedroom, then i tried to take my life, you never get over something like this but you really do learn to live with it & yes it does get easier but there are still those days way you think why? if only, & i wish i could see him again or speak to him one more time.

Over the years i have had my ups & downs & when i had my own children i found it very hard to accept the fact my dad never got to meet them, but i know hes watching & i know he would be sooo proud of me & my kids.

Your still in the early days & still grieveing for him it's hard, would you feel a bit better if you could go & speak to someone about it & speak about your dad?
It does help to talk about him & all the good times i do this quite alot with dp i like to tell him all about what dad used to do & all about the fun things.

I am sorry your going through this & i really do hope things get a tad easier over time for you, the pain is something that never goes away but i do promise you is does ease. xx

[Dunnyjo]

I have just read through this thred and by god am i in floods of tears too!
KathH what you said about writting a letter i think is good. I have a book that i write in every time i start to feel at loss again. But its nice to read and share and also know we are all not alone.
Sometimes i get so angry because i feel when people say 'time is a great healer' i always say its not (i also know 7mnths is not long) but i feel too barney2 that is gets worse.
I cant breath sometimes because the shock and pain is so soul destroying, and aches so much.
I am sorry if i have gon on but i feel so emotional today (the last wk has been horrible)

[Scoobydooooo]

I agree about the "time is a healer" but from where i was 12 years ago things have become more acceptable & also i have learnt to live with it alot better than i was then...so i believe time does help.

[barney2]

Hi Everyone. Thanks for all your threads. Its great to know that I'm not alone on this but also sad to know I'm not alone because its a horrible experience losing someone you love so much, especially a direct relative like a parent, sibling or, in my view, a child of your own.

I agree time is a healer but I don't think that applies to me at the moment. I do find that when people say 'time heals' they are referring to the years after a death as opposed to months. I'm hoping that once I get past the year point it will get easier. I was getting upset again today - I was only sat in the kitchen but looking out the window and looking up at the sky wondering which cloud he was sat on looking down. Stupid thoughts I know and probably sound very childish but I do think of him 'being up there' and always hope he's watching. I went to his grave again yesterday. I really don't enjoy going there although it is a lovely cemetery - lots of flowers on everyone's well tended graves and lovely places to sit but even after 9 months I'm yet to enjoy sitting up there - I've normally got my kids with me so its impossible to stay for long without the youngest (2 1/2) helping herself to various flowers, toys, balloons, ornaments etc etc on the other graves. Only the other day she came up to me with a windmill from a child's grave! Now you try finding out from a two year old where did she get it from??!!! Fortunately she led me the way and found a matching windmill with a hole next to it where the other had come from.

Anyway its times like that that make me happy (believe it or not) because I know my Dad would be laughing and that'd mean I'd made him smile again.

Y'know the one thing I miss the most is hearing his lovely voice. He had such a lovely soft voice - he never swore, he was always singing or laughing, never miserable - a real credit to the human race.

Its the belief that I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN that I find the absolute hardest fact to accept. Life is so cruel.

Scoobydoo - I feel so sad for you too. What an awful experience for you to go through and being so young too. I send you a big hug....xxxx

[Bibiboo]

Barney,
A very similar thing has happened to me, I lost my 71 year old dad suddenly in January, and am going through a lot of the same emotions as you are.
There are good days and bl**dy awful ones, most of all knowing he won't see his beloved grandaughter grow up.
I too had to identify my Dad and that memory of him is a lsating one, even though I don't want it to be and my marriage is suffering because I too push my husband away. I'm not only consumed by my own grief but find it hard keeping it in in front of my mother who is a hundred times worse than I am.
I'm sorry I can't be of much help other than to say I'm here and you're not alone, and you're not the only one who is finding it hard and taking time to get over something like this. We all mourn differently.

xxxxxxxxx

[zeebaby]

I have just been reading these messages and i don't know what to say for comfort as i have not been in the same position as many of you....but my Mum lost her dad suddenly at a young age, (when I was a toddler), and she says that the one thing that provided her with a little comfort was that she met an old woman in our village soon after his death who saw how distraught she was and the woman told her that when she thinks of him and wants to be near him to hug her children because his spirit lives on within them, he is a part of them too. So I just wanted to share that with anyone if it's of any help.

[barney2]

Hi everyone. Long time - sorry - but been run off my feet this last week or so. Thanks to bibiboo and zeebaby. I'm ok. I'm still taking each day as it comes. It won't be long before my lovely Dad will have been gone for a year (12 Nov) and already I'm getting nervous. My DH asked what would I like to do - go out for the day (it happens to be Remembrance Sunday) or visit Mum etc - I replied that I'd like it to be a 'normal' day for me - usual Sunday at home with the kids - because otherwise I'll be afraid that I'll always have to do something different every time 12 Nov comes around. I also don't want to draw attention to the fact he'll have been gone a year.

It still hits me at the oddest moments that I won't see him ever again. I can be driving somewhere and it'll suddenly dawn on me that I won't see him again. Something will trigger these thoughts. It's as if I know I won't see him again and I've accepted it but it takes a moment for me to remember I won't see him again. Weird.

Anyway I'm doing ok. I try to be 'up' rather than 'down' - sometimes ok other times I find it very hard. My DH takes the brunt of it a lot of the time - I lash out occasionally and then remember how much my Dad thought of my DH too and soon apologise and get on with life.

How are you all doing out there? Please let me know. XXXX

[loujay]

Hi Barney2,
I am pleased to hear that you are coping better.
It has been 15 months since my mum died, a few weeks ago I was still at the stage of not knowing how to go on with out her, but I have had some conselling which helped incredibly and I am also taking a homeopathic remedy (nat mur) which is also helping - much better than AD's did.
Keep going,as everyone says, it really does get better.
Much love to you and your family xx