My Dad died suddenly 9 months ago - I can't get over losing him.......

[barney2]

I'm still so devastated at losing my lovely Dad - he died suddenly at home on his own, whilst my Mum was at work, almost 9 months ago. I rang to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone - she told me 'he's had a bit of an accident' and to get over there immediately. I knew he had died because otherwise she'd have said he was ok. I drove over to find my Mum at the backdoor nodding from side to side and in tears. My Dad was lying by the phone, dead. He had to have a PM and they found he'd had a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he looked ok although said he didn't feel too good.

I just can't accept that I'll never see him again. I find it so hard to carry on sometimes and feel that even though I'm happily married with two lovely daughters that I want to be with my Dad. I was quite close to him especially during his last few months because he had a car accident three months before he died - he got hit late one night by a 19yo drink driver and Dad never really got over the accident - Dad has his car written off - he'd never scratched a car in his life. He died aged 76. He was such a lovely guy, always laughing and joking. I miss him so much. I just don't know how to believe I'll never see him again, hear him again and he'll never make me smile again.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[Chickenmadras]

I am so sorry and have read your posts with tears in my eyes. Last week we found out my dad has cancer, he is 64 and it is not looking good. I feel quite numb and know I will feel like you do. A close friend of mine lost her mum to a sudden heart attack at 58 last week so it has been a rotten time.
What you are saying is how I will imagine I will feel. I hope it helps with the support from other mnetters. I know there are certain songs I hear now and will hear later that make me think of dad and it is heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you and I really hope it gets easier xxxxxx

[fairyjay]

barney
I keep meaning to write down some of the things my dad did and said, for my children, and so that I don't forget. I'm always saying 'as my Dad always said .....' The comedians who made him laugh, the songs he liked, the little sayings he had. He'll always be part of my life, and I want him to be part of my children's lives also. Maybe this might help you, although I know it will upset you in the process.

[Pfer]

barney2 - I get where you're coming from as your opening post sounds so like my 'story' of how I lost my dad. That was just over 10yrs ago now, I remember the day and the feelings I went through so clearly, I think about him every day, but I don't cry now, only when I'm feeling really down anyway. I do still cry when I go to the cemetary to put flowers on his grave, but I sit and have a chat with him, telling him what's been going on with the kids etc. The hardest part is him not ever seeing my boys as I know he'd have been as fantastic a grandad as he was a dad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll always miss him, sometimes cry, but in time you'll start to remember the good times you had with a smile on your face rather than tears in your eyes.

Hang in there Barney, big hugs going your way, keep safe....

[barney2]

Wilbur - what a lovely few words. I loved what you wrote about baking a cake and sat eating it in the sun in the garden. Its as if the simple things in life are just too much trouble and why should I bother. Everyone has written some lovely bits but it is sad to see that I'm not the only one who has gone through this or is going through it.

After Dad died I didn't eat for about a month - I existed on toast - to eat a meal made me feel so ill. To even cook a meal was hard work but I had no choice - I had a family to feed. I hated watching anything funny on tv because I felt really guilty if it meant I would laugh. I found myself going upstairs and sitting on the bed staring out of the window. Then my husband would come up and I'd send him away. I have a good marriage but I found myself bickering over the most tedious of things - stupid things like leaving the tap on or not shutting a drawer properly. My husband has been extremely patient and even he was devastated at my loss. My Dad was like a Dad to him because he doesn't get on with his own Dad. I've never seen my husband cry so much as I did when we went to see my Dad in the Chapel of Rest. We both wrote little notes and my kids did a card which we put in with him and on my husband's he'd written 'thank you for being my Dad too'.

I get angry too - i get angry at my Dad for dying so suddenly, for leaving the huge shock of his loss behind and, please forgive me for saying this, for cheating me out of having a Dad and my kids a Grandad. He didn't need to die. He could've got some help. He knew he had extremely high BP - he had it measured when he had the car accident 3 months prior to his death and it was over 200. Yet he ignored it and put it down to old age. I just wish I'd pushed him a bit more at getting some medical help but I knew if I did he'd refuse to go.

Oh well, its been a very difficult time for me. I've only ever lost grandparents before but all I can say is should anybody else lose a parent - I'm here for them - for what its worth. xxxx

[Tinker]

barney2 - my dad also died suddenly of a heart attack. 17 years ago now, and I still miss him every day. 9 months is very soon. Don't rush grief, it takes as long as it takes. Look after yourself.

[barney2]

batters - you are so right. Why is it that when I do go to the cemetary I see other graves where people have died far older than my Dad, why couldn't Dad have lived to see his 80th birthday or even beyond? Then I see graves of people far younger - people I knew that died in their 30's or even young children and then I think how lucky he was to have lived to 76.

All this really messes up my mind. Its so cruel....

[barney2]

I know 9 months is a very short time but sometimes it feels more like 9 years..... I don't wish my life away but its the longest I've not seen my Dad for and each day is ticking on by and, no, at the moment, its not getting any easier....xxx

[spinamum]

Barney,I'm thinking of you. I lost my mum three and a half years ago during my first pg and 18 months before my wedding so all the dreams I had when I was a little(and not so little) girl were shattered on that day.
I didn't grief for my mum until my DS was 18mths old.(I cried at the funeral and had a few episodes in the following mnths,but no proper my world HAS fallen apart stuff) You must allow yourself to grief. Have counselling if it helps.
It does get easier. There are no time limits on the feelings of loss though. It just seems to soften somehow and the knife thats pushing against your heart blunts a bit but is still there (a bit like those aches you get in pg sometimes)
One of my methods is really focusing on good memories and talking to my son about his granny.
I find it espesh hard when my MIL (who is very enthusiastic anyway) is all over us, because my mum was more reserved, but would have been equally obsessed with her grankids. My mum will remain a real part of my sons' lives even if she's not physically there and I don't think that's creepy in anyway. their worlds are about 99.87% Bob the Builder and the rest of the world including their granny is squeezed in the remaining %.

My mum lives on in the influence she had on her three children and the influence that has in her grandchildrens upbringing.Even if she never got to meet my sons.

[throckenholt]

I haven;t read all the rest - so this is just in response to the original.

My dad died in the same way (but at 42- when I was 18). What has helped over the years is knowing he didn't suffer.

Otherwise it is still very early days - grief comes in waves, and hits you at odd times - but it does help you get through it. Strange things upset you - the best thing is to have a good cry and get on with things after it.

You will always miss in, but gradually you will be able to think of him in ways that are good, and don't upset you and dwell on the fact that he isn't here any more.

[spinamum]

agree with Ruby, try not to focus on your last image of your dad. I really believe that at the end,dying doesn't feel horrible.More like fainting but never hitting the floor.
When my mum came back to our house after the undertakers, they had done something weird to her hair, so my aunt(her closest sister) and I rearranged it, beacause she was a very stylish woman and took pride in her appearance, so it was our last gesture to her.She was sooooo cold as I kissed her goodbye, but that wasn't my mum. My mum was the lovely,caring woman who I'd bickered with all my teenage years and who gave me the tightest hugs when I came back from Uni.She's the one who is supposed to be standing in the kitchen in anticipation when any of us are due home.She's not there and will never be there and I have gotton angry that she never met my son and I can't tell her I've got another one on the way.She's gone ,she's gone.she's gone..I had to chant that to myself to see if it would sink in.It did eventually.

You are going through two terrible events...the death of your dad and the shock of his suddan death. My mum was diagnosed as terminal a few weeks before she left so I feel honoured to be have been able to say goodbye.
I think you should hve some counselling just to get a chance to rage against that injustice.

[barney2]

Reading everybodys notes has really really helped me. Its made me realise I'm not the only one to have lost a parent (which I knew was the case, obviously) but what all this has shown me is that I'm not alone. When I lost my Dad I did feel very lonely because I didn't really know anyone else who had not only lost a parent, but had lost a parent in such an immediate way. I hadn't given it a thought that to get to the phone he must have felt ok but I'm glad that someone had written that once he had started the heart attack he probably didn't experience the pain fully because it was a fatal heart attack and would have lost consciousness pretty immediately. I hadn't thought of that and I'm grateful to have learnt that because I just presumed he'd have suffered right till the last breath.

I'm shocked at how many of you have responded to my OP. Even though I don't know any of you I feel like I've gained some lovely friends and even though writing all these notes has been very hard for me, I know its been very hard for everyone else to tell me all their own personal stories and I'm eternally grateful. xxxxx

[barney2]

thank you spinamum. My Dad was freezing cold - I felt I needed to wrap him up in a blanket to get him warm again. I had to identify him for the Police (to rule out suspicious circumstances etc) and couldn't believe how ice cold he was. When he was at the chapel of rest I tidied his hair and found the back of his head was still all open where they'd done a PM - that was awful but I did my best. I keep asking myself why why why.....why did I have to lose my lovely, funny, caring, warm Dad when there are so many horrible people out there? My Dad did nothing to harm a sole - he wouldn't even kill a wasp - he'd put it outside - he'd have gone to the ends of the earth to help anyone, why the hell did he have to die - why the hell didn't the lad who hit him three times over the limit not think about what he was doing before he got behind the wheel and hit my dear lovely Dad who had always been on the right side of the law. Its just so bloody unfair.xx

[fairyjay]

barney
I'm glad this thread has helped you in some way. I think you've also helped a lot of us, because nomatter how far down the road we are, we need to give ourselves the space to look back and remember from time to time. And it is so good to know that none of us are alone in our feelings. Enjoy your lovely daughters

[Mercy]

Barney, have just caught up with this after yesterday. It seems you are still very much going through the grieving process. Death affects us all differently but I think you've not been able to share the depths of your grief anyone until now, so keep on posting for as long as it takes.

One thing I noticed was that intially friends & family were keen to offer support in whichever way they could. But after a while that dwindled away and the real hard grief kicked in later. I was also shocked at how devastated my mum was as they didn't have the best marriage in the world, but I realised she had her own emotions to deal with in her own way. My mum wasn't much older than you when she was widowed.

I think this thread has been useful for all of us tbh.

[tallulah]

I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack 10 years ago. I've been through the anger (why didn't he tell us he was ill? why didn't mum call the doctor?) and the grief which just eats away at you. I recognise a lot of what everyone else has said. Looking back I see my life as before he died, and after he died. It was on hold for a long time after he died, and it took us until the 7th anniversary before we were able to spend the day without crying.

It does get easier but 9 months is no time at all.

[barney2]

I hope my thread has helped others. It'd be lovely if that is the case. It'd be nice if I've actually done something useful for a change!!!! My Mum and Dad led a very separate marraige, although they were married for 44 years but they slept in separate bedrooms (because my Dad snored!) and did things quite separately. So when Dad died my Mum didn't have an empty bed to get into etc - they never really cuddled and I never saw them kiss. When we were kids they never showed emotions to each other BUT they never argued, always laughed and shared lots of happy times together. All this I think has helped my Mum come to terms with her grief, but it hasn't helped me. She's not offered her shoulder to me and as I've said before whenever I've been tearful she's remained seated where she is and says 'lets change the subject' and she does. My Mum isn't the warmest of Mums. But my Dad was - he was always there for me and should I have a problem I tended to go to him, after talking to my husband of course. Dad would always give his honest opinion, regardless of whether or not its what I wanted to hear. But he always made light of everything despite the subject.

I'm glad I've done this with MN. I think I'll be around for quite a while. It's been a comfort to keep coming back to the PC to see whose left what - its like having a bunch of flowers at the door! You've all been a great comfort. xx

[barney2]

Thanks tallulah - I know 9mths is no time at all but thats as far as I've got so far. I can't wish my life away and at the same time I'm too inpatient to wait a few years till I feel better and not so tearful etc etc - I guess I just want to put it all behind me and get on with my life and I know that will happen in time but I want it to happen now. I just wish I could magic time away so I could get to that stage with the grieving side of things but I know thats impossible too. All this is a horrible situation and I'm sure if Dad knew how I am he'd do something to help me. I just wish he could and he was here for me right now.

[Wordsmith]

Barney, I haven't hasd time to read all your posts on this thread but the ones I have read have brought tears to my eyes. My dad died 11 months ago - it wasn't quite as sudden as yours, he had a lymphoma but his lung collapsed and he was taken to hospital - we were told he would die within a couple of days,which he did - so we had time to say goodbye which I will be grateful for. We scattered his ashes this week in his favourite river, which to me has felt like the 'final' goodbye. None of us felt like viewing him in the chapel of rest - we knew he wasn't there any more. I think the anniversary of his death will be very hard. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your continuing pain. Your mum and dad's relationship sounds similar to my mum and dads (separate rooms because of snoring etc) and your mum's emotional responses very similar to my mum's (it's rare she shows her grief or cries in my presence, although we were all solid in mutual support at the time of his death. But last week she was due to take a fellow member of the WI to visit a friend in hospital, and mum found out quite late on that it was the same ward as the one dad died in. She was surprised to find that she simply couldn't do it and spent 2 or 3 hours sobbing her heart out. It's things like that that hit her, and me. My dad died 6 months after a very good friend of mine died from cancer (a total shock for me) and it made it worse somehow. My friend was buried and it does comfort me to visit her grave. I hope you find ways of coping, Barney, and I wish you well.

[KathH]

Barney 2 I'm glad these posts have made you feel a little better. I know these things are personal but when my dad died my friend suggested to me that I write him a letter, which I have to confess at the time I was appalled at! I did it out of shear desperation & I cannot tell you how much it helped. I wrote about all the things that I never told him, we were really close but not in an I love you sloppy kind of way, and after he died I really wish that I said it just once. I wrote about how much the kids would miss him, how I'd look after my mum etc. Just a suggestion really don't know if its a bit cheesy. I set fire to it afterwards & watched all the bits of paper go up in the air.

[puddle]

Barney I am so sorry about your Dad. My dad died suddenly five years ago and I know what a terrible shock it is to suddenly lose someone in such a way.

What I found hard was the kind of hierarchy of grief you get - my Mum had obviously lost her partner and so we were all totally fiocused on helping her come to terms with that, then there was my poor sister who my Mum called before she'd even dialled 999, who found hersefl trying to resuscitate her own father with the paramedics for nearly an hour. Compared to that I felt I had got of lightly. But you have to give yourself time to grieve and Cruse gives you the space to go on at length without feeling that you're upsetting other family members.

You sound almost paralysed by grief to me and you need to get some help with that I think.

The first year really is the hardest Barney, somehow once we had got past the first round of birthdays, Xmas etc without him we all felt a bit lighter somehow and able to get on with our lives again

Five years later I still get upset sometimes (now, for instance!) but I welcome it now, it shows he is still in my heart, my lovely Dad.

Take care of yourself Barney and everyone else on this thread

[puddle]

Sorry Barnet somehow a chunk of my post has fallen off - what I said was maybe you should contact Cruse who have volunteers who can help you through the grieving process - as a neutral person to be able to talk things through with rather than your family. I know my Mum wanted to go over and over he moment when she had found my Dad, just working thorugh it in her mind but I just started to find it too painful to listen to - she needed to say it and discuss it and so the Cruse volunteer really helped with that.

[WideWebWitch]

What a moving thread, I've just read it with tears running down my cheeks. Barney, I hope it's helped. Be kind to yourself too, don't expect too much.

[barney2]

Oh dear....I'm crying again.... I'm still finding all this quite overwhelming - all the respones to my thread. I wish I had this before. I'm sure it wouldn've have helped me during my very low times during this year. I like the idea of writing a letter - I did write a letter and put it in with Dad in his coffin. We also put his pipe in with him, loaded with tobacco along with photos and pictures from the kids. I think I may write a letter but I'd be useless at it at the moment - I just don't feel strong enough and would smudge it with all the tears.

Its interesting to read the various ways that our Mums/Dads have dealt with their partners death. It was good to see that it wasn't only my parents that led such separate lives, I think this is why my Dad wouldn't have told Mum he felt ill beforehand because he probably didn't know how to. They were quite private people - the 'old school' type - and should Dad have felt really poorly he probably didn't feel close enough to Mum to feel he could tell her and he'd probably have been told to sit down with a glass of water and you'll be better in a minute or lets get you to the Doctor which my Dad would have been too scared to do. My Mum's approach to my Dad was quite cold - she's a lovely Mum but she's not the type of 'lets have a cuddle' or be there should someone be really poorly and need a hand. I'm not blaming my Mum for my Dad's demise but I do think because they were quite separate people that he probably didn't feel he could confide in Mum but that doesn't mean he couldn't have confided in me or anyone else.

I do blame myself in one respect. I saw him the day before he died. He looked grey and very old. He came out to wave me off when I left, which he always did despite the weather, and he always saw me to my car, gave the kids a wave etc etc - when I last saw him alive waving to me I knew then we were going to lose him and didn't expect him to be around for much longer because he'd got to look so old. I kick myself for not doing something about it now. I asked him if he felt ok and his reply was 'I feel a bit peaky today'. He'd not combed his hair, which he always did and he always wore a tie, which he didn't have on. I watched him eat his dinner that day and he ate all of it but had jelly for pudding which, due to having the shakes, most of it went down his cardigan.....the same cardigan he had on when I found him dead the following day.....how sad is that....xxx