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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

MIL a bitch, a dead one, but one nonetheless....what do you think?

76 replies

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 22:47

Am I being unreasonable by calling my dead MIL a bitch. Actually that's only in print I've called her worse. :(
I am a widow with a young son. Me and my OH were together for 15 years before he had his accident. My DS was just 5 weeks old when his dad died. His mum passed away 7 months later of a terminal Illness.

The reason I'm so angry with my sons gran? Why do I think she was a bitch? About 6 years ago my OH bought his mums house. When he died he didn't leave a will. My darling MIL made a will after my partners death to leave the house to my son at the age of 25. In the meantime her friend gets the rental income until my DS reaches 25. Her only family was my son and my partner.

Anyway, this is not a little old me feeling sorry for myself or me being materialistic and greedy.... Personally I couldn't have given a toss what she did with the house IF it was hers! My partner worked bloody hard to buy her her house. He was in tied accommodation with his job so thought of it as his retirement/pension. I am currently working 2 jobs, one of which my house is tied to. I don't know what I'm wanting from posting this. Maybe someone to agree with me would be nice, I feel guilt for calling her names and I feel anger at what she's done. Also as a mother, i cannot understand her cutting us out like this. Ok he gets a house when he's 25..... There were no sentimental items or anything left to him, I'm at a loss to understand this woman who called herself a mother and gran.

Sorry for ranting.

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 18/01/2014 23:19

It's good that your son gets the house eventually but why on earth wouldn't she say that your son (via you) should get the rental money until then to help pay for his upbringing? Did she dislike you that much? Prioritising her friend's like of holidays over her grandson is quite vile, especially as his father was the reason she had the house at all.

scottishmummy · 18/01/2014 23:21

Christ alive,you don't need this though.poor you

HamletsSister · 18/01/2014 23:25

Something similar happened (not really, but legally) to us in that my FiL left his house to his "friend" which we knew about and were reconciled to as, in this case, it was his house. Our other reason was that "friend" was cover for partner (who was married but that's another story). My FiL had been passing this guy off as a friend, or even as my DH's "brother" for years. At 80+ it was a shame he couldn't finally come out but that is the generation.

Do you think this might be the same reason? Otherwise, it sounds awfully harsh.

Original poster

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 23:25

Thanks Polly!

Mil and I had 3 different conversations about the house. First one she said she thought it would be a good idea to rent the house after she passed and I could use it to bring son up. Second time she said her friend, who was her best friend of a long time had been good to her and she would like to give her something. 3rd time was actually 2 days AFTER she made her will (although i didnt know at the time) when she said, I was thinking of renting it until grandson is in teens and friend and you can share rental income. She also told my OH family members different stories. All of them not completely true, all saying my son would inherit. She also knew my financial situation was not great and knew that I was contesting the intestancy. I talked to her at length about this and she supported me. We got on well. Even though me and her son weren't married she would introduce me as her dil.

OP posts:

zipzap · 18/01/2014 23:26

Rant away - it's a really mean and spiteful thing she has done, particularly given the tragic circumstances .

I do understand - my dad died before my nan did (albeit I was in my 20s) and my nan left almost all her estate to my two cousins, on the basis that as she no longer had a son then we were no longer her proper grandchildren . Wouldn't have been so bad apart from the fact that she used to make a HUGE deal about everybody sharing everything equally down to the last crumb - she would even cut a polo mint into 4 to share it, even if we said we were fine and didn't want any. But when it came to her land - gave it all to our cousins. She was also without a will until my uncle took her to see his solicitor and persuade her to make a will. As you say, it's not the money that hurts, it's the fact that she was able to dismiss us and her principles so easily despite the fact that my dad did so so much for her, and my mum continued to, for years after my dad died, much less than my uncle. Sorry, I'll stop ranting now, this isn't my thread, but yes it happens and it is horrible to be at the receiving end of it.

Do post your situation on the legal topic on MN though - there will be people on there that will able to be give much better advice on what you can and can't do!

Piscivorus · 18/01/2014 23:27

No advice here, just agreement. That is an incredibly shitty way to treat you and your son. I'm not surprised you are furious and, yes she is a bitch, dead or alive.

UKAS · 18/01/2014 23:28

Ah so it was his way of buying an investment at a discounted price he wasnt entitled to.

It's very sad that it's you/his son that's paying the price but that's the risk you take when you try to play the system/defraud the taxpayer/pull a fast one. Not nice but it appears to be ok to speak ill of the dead!

At least ds will get it eventually

Original poster

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 23:31

Thanks for the post hamlet, I hadn't thought of that. But no, they were more like sisters and been through a lot together. I should think its about her recognising this woman as her friend and thanking her for being there for her, not about her not giving a shit if her grandson needs new shoes let alone could ever go on a holiday.

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 18/01/2014 23:34

Its not fair op. She should have left that to your ds along with the rental income. That is what your dp would have wanted. The law surrounding wills and someone dying intestate also, are complicated. I struggle to get my head round them. The mils friend should pass it straight to your ds anyway. Its the morally right thing to do. I don't suppose she will though.

Original poster

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 23:40

So I suppose I deserve it UKass? My mil was proud her son could do that for her. And if she could have afforded to, she would have bought it herself and who knows the only difference today would be I wouldn't be ranting to you guys. And anyway, if he was trying to cheat the system wouldn't he have had legal papers drawn up?

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/01/2014 23:40

The one at fault here is your late DP. Why on earth would he buy a house in someone else's name?

Original poster

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 23:44

THanks Brian, No, i dont suppose so either. It wouldn't sit right with me if I was the friend, but hey.

Zipzap, thanks for sharing, thats awful. Thank you everyone for listening, I do feel a little better. Night.x

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 18/01/2014 23:45

The one at fault here is your late DP. Why on earth would he buy a house in someone else's name?

My mum did the same for her mother. Because it was a council house. My grandad died and they were threatening to chuck her out. She had lived there all of her married life. It would have killed her if she had moved. So my mum bought it in my grans name under the right to buy scheme. And she lived for another 20 years. She was nearly 100 when she died. It was worth doing that for my grans peace of mind.

plum100 · 18/01/2014 23:46

Your mil is a bitch - just because she is dead doesnt change what she has done - nasty , spiteful and controlling .

BrianTheMole · 18/01/2014 23:46

Night Ukule, sleep well.

Original poster

ukulelelady · 18/01/2014 23:46

Because he was trusting and kind and loved his mum and yes was a fool who never even wrote a will or had insurance cos that kind of stuff happens to other people onesleep.....

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/01/2014 23:48

So either it was his, bought fraudulently, or hers, whoever paid for it, to dispose of (however shittily) as she chooses. You can't have it both ways.

BrianTheMole · 18/01/2014 23:51

Its not bought fraudulently though is it. Its a moral issue, not a legal one.

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/01/2014 23:53

Not sure about that, Brian, depends what you have to sign to buy the place.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 19/01/2014 00:07

plans like this have been made in my family op - not directly affecting me though.
my relatives have done this as they believe that their d-in-l may well move another partner into their home/remarry and the money will move away from their blood family.its not pleasant imo but if you don't have a great relationship with your in - laws I suppose they feel they are having the final say.
wills/legacies really doesn't bring out the best in people.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2014 00:10

Well, I'll agree with you. If nothing else she could have had the rental amounts (less cost of residence upkeep) put in a bank account for your grandson to access later for university or to start a career. It just seems weird to me that a grandmother would rather pay for a friend's 'holiday' than save for her grandson's education.

Could she have not been in her right mind & have been unduly influenced by this friend? Could she have thought that the total amount of the rental would be needed for upkeep of the home & wanted to be sure it was kept in good order for your son?

Is there a way, at the very least, that you can become legally entitled to see the accounts regarding the property to be sure this 'friend' is using the money to maintain it properly?

TorrentialLorraine · 19/01/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 00:16

Not sure about that, Brian, depends what you have to sign to buy the place.

Well, just the usual documents that you would sign to buy a property. Although when my mum did it for gran, the solicitor did suggest putting a charge on the property for the amount she had paid at the time, just in case there were any problems when gran died. It didn't entitle my mum to any of the profits or interest above the amount she had paid. But it was all legal and above board.

BrianTheMole · 19/01/2014 00:16

That was to onesleep.

Jux · 19/01/2014 00:24

Why was it fraudulent? Under the right to buy scheme, Councils were selling their properties to anyone who could buy them. I nearly bought one myself. My younger beother did, and lived in it to the day he died.

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