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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

stillbirth, sad but moving on

39 replies

jabuti · 25/07/2006 15:14

hello all,

my story is not that different from others, even though i do feel like 'i am the only one going through this' sometimes. i was 30 weeks pregnant when the baby stopped moving. we went to the hospital, already a bit worried, and there was no heart beat. we were in shock. i delivered her on the 1st of july. it was our first baby and we were in love with her and the pregnancy since day one.

i started reading this forum two weeks ago and some how it has helped me. i have also started counselling, i want to resolve anything that is in my mind as opposed to hide it. i have lost other people in the past and i wasnt very good in griefing them properly, which affected me later on. now i feel and want to share my experience as much as i can, but with the right people. i say that because we attended one SANDS meeting and it didnt help us at all. the group that night was quite negative and we felt down afterwards.

im trying to move on and have different views about what happened to us. while we accept the fact that our baby only needed 30 weeks on this world and she gave us much happiness during this period, i still feel frustrated and upset from time to time. one of the worries i have is about how people will see me from now on too, if new moms/pregnant women will avoid me afraid i cant cope with them. i think how our society sees death doesnt help either, its always a sad occasion. even though we didnt have any conception trouble and my pregnancy was as healthy as it could be, once in a while i worry if i will ever be able to have a family. i guess im just like any other person that needs to have a successful experience in order to believe it can happen again. my baby was a success, but i do want one that will be here in this world with me too. i dont know if i could cope with several babies just coming and leaving soon, i feel quite weak in that way.

lots of thoughts in my mind right now. i wanted to share them with you all, after spending so many hours feeding on others' bravery to share their own story here.

OP posts:

cazzybabs · 25/07/2006 15:17

Hasn't happened to me can't imagine what you must be going be through - there will be others along who will be able to help.

Amso sorry for you and your Dh

bodenbetty · 25/07/2006 15:26

thinking of you - so sorry to hear what yo uare going through.

podkin · 25/07/2006 15:41

So sorry for you and your partner. You will find lots of words of comfort and wisdom on mumsnet - as you say, there are others who have been/are in your situation and I am sure sharing your experiences will help with your grief.

JoshandJamie · 25/07/2006 15:45

You sound very brave to me. I don't think I'd be coping as well. Hang in there

Greensleeves · 25/07/2006 15:46

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through.

I'm glad you found your way here though. You'll find lots of support and comfort here. xx

foundintranslation · 25/07/2006 16:02

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely girl.

I know that MN has been a great lifeline to people in similar situations in the past.

eenywifemum · 25/07/2006 16:07

Just wanted to add my voice - I am so very sorry for your loss. Your little girl is very loved and missed. Please come on MN as much as you need to to get support. Will be thinking of you.

Northerner · 25/07/2006 16:07

Sorry for your loss. Can;t imagine what you are going through. There are poeople on here who have been through this - I'm sure they will offer their support soon.

BROWNY · 25/07/2006 16:18

So terrible sorry that you've both lost your much loved little girl, I know that unfortunately there are a lot of kind people on here who will be able to share your loss and hopefully help you both, I don't know what I can say apart from I hope you have lots of loving support around you both at this very sad time

Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 16:20

Really sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.xx

dinosaur · 25/07/2006 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

trace2 · 25/07/2006 16:31

coggy on here went throught the same ill bump for her it might help to chat to her, so sorry for your loss

blueshoes · 25/07/2006 16:33

jabuti, I am so sorry about your loss. Just wanted to you to know that you are very brave to post your story here. I hope that you and your partner will give yourself the space to grieve and eventually find peace. Your little girl will always be with you.

FoghornLeghorn · 25/07/2006 16:35

Am in tears Just don't know what to say

jaamy · 25/07/2006 17:06

Jabuti - I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. You are so brave to have turned it into a positive experience and your little girl will know that she has been loved (if only for a short while). Unfortunately I have many friends who have had similar experiences and thankfully they (mostly) have gone on to have healthy babies. When you have another pregnancy you will be very closely monitored to try and prevent a recurrence. Have the doctors been able to give you any reason for this? If so, this will also be taken into consideration.
Loving and strong parents like you deserve another chance. Take care

jaamy · 25/07/2006 17:07

Sorry, just re-read my post - Obviously you still love your little girl even though she's not here...

Original poster

jabuti · 25/07/2006 18:00

thank you all so much for your words. it is good to feel part of a group, and not alone.

jaamy, we have an appointment at the end of the next month with the post-mortum and my blood tests results. just from looking at our baby, her umbilical cord, and placenta, there was nothing wrong. lets see. it worries me a bit to find out something bad, but im preparing myself for it too, in the way that i dont want that stopping me from trying again.

i like to hear successful stories, thank you for letting me know that most of your friends had babies after that. by now i know a hand full of friends of friends that went through something similar. but i dont have many friends myself that have babies and the ones that do, never had anything like it.

thank you again!

OP posts:

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/07/2006 20:42

Jabuti.So sorry for your loss.

I lost my second little girl in April 2005 at 25 weeks. No reason.All tests inconclusive.Like you movements stopped.I felt wierd and went to hospital and it felt I was being hit by a train.The days that followed were truly awful and it took me a long time to make sense of it all.I think you are so brave and have come far so soon especially as she was your first born.All that kept me going was my other baby (18 months at time) I really count my blessings and its only now that I have come to terms with it though I still long for her and cry for my loss especially when I see my little girl look at babies and say "I want one"

We started trying right away but nothing as yet.We had all the tests and we are both ok.I am 39 and have been told that my fertile age is 33 (whatever that means) and that the 'blockage' is all pyschological.

I am sure you will go on to have lots more babies and I pray that you dont have to wait too long.Time is a great healer (I have lost before too,my mum)But you are a mum and its important that you know that and people treat you as one.Hope this makes sense
x

Original poster

jabuti · 26/07/2006 10:18

hi chocolatepeanut, yes, it does make sense! that is something that i think sometimes, am i a mother? it is nice for me when people recognize it. im glad you have a daughter! my biggest help, besides my partner and sister who lives with us, is our dear dog. she just knows when im down and she comes snuggle with me. i hope we get pregnant soon chocolatepeanut!

im not from any religion, but i have spiritual believes. everything that happened to us in this last month has only showed me how medicine knows little about conceiving, being pregnant, and delivery. it seems that we, who were babies one day, come to this world with a whole programme built-in and there is nothing that can change that. i read that most of stillbirth post-mortum comes back with no cause found. so between sticking with the doctors and my believes, i prefer the second.

its very upsetting losing a baby (not to mention the initial shock). but another thing that i've been thinking is that there is no difference between the death of a baby or an elderly. for us in the western world (imagining it could be different from the asian point of view) its just unacceptable a life that barely started to be over already. i like to think of the big picture, and because i believe we have many lives before this one and many to come, im trying to focus on the big picture for the babies that leave so early, that thats what they needed from here (its a bit of what i said in my first post).

thats why im going to counselling, because now i need to deal with the rest of my own life and my partner and i missing our baby, but not because of our baby's plan to come just for a little while.

life is not easy.

OP posts:

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 26/07/2006 19:06

So true

Sending big hugs
x

coggy · 26/07/2006 20:30

Jabuti you ARE a mummy. You loved and cared for your little girl and did everything you could for her in her short life. Just because she's not there with you now doesn't mean that you're not a mum.

My ds died on his due date (40 weeks) and it was a total shock to us. I went into labour naturally and only found out that he had died when the midwife came to assess whether I was ready to go in to have him.

I believe it is true that very few causes are found for sudden still births which is very frustrating and horrid when you have to brace yourself for any results.

I think that counselling is a good plan. We have had none yet (my ds was born last June) but we are now going to organise some. We seem to have given ourselves permission after his first bithday which is weird but quite usual apparently.

We were not comforatble with meeting in a group because I think we both wanted to feel as normal as quickly as possible and, personaly, didn't want to mix with people in similar situations ALTHOUGH being on MN helped me enormously. I think this has been my counselling over the past year.

I'm sorry that this post is a bit jumbled.
I have just paid to be able to be contacted so if you ever want to CAT me please feel free.

Thinking of you,
X

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 26/07/2006 21:01

I had a breakdown after my first marriage ended and my mum died.I went into the priory and thought the same about group sessions but they really do work. Sharing expereinces ,like here ,is good therapy.

Sorry to hear of your loss coggy
x

franca70 · 26/07/2006 21:32

yes jabuti, you are a mum, and you are a very brave woman. you wrote beautiful things, my heart goes to all of you.

jollyfolly · 26/07/2006 21:45

not sure i know what to write or say but i really cant imagine how awful this is for you.... it is one of all of our biggest nightmare's so i guess i can say from my heart that i truely feel for you and hope you find some comfort from the people you meet on here!!!

Original poster

jabuti · 27/07/2006 12:00

coggy, thank you for letting me know your story. and i am sorry to hear about what you went through. i do hope we all have better days. i know its hard sometimes to see it (including myself), but i believe pain is a way of purification of our souls.

i have a friend that had breast cancer years ago and she is now fully cured, thank god. during that time, she wrote a lot in forums just like this one and that helped her tons. she also didnt have the need for counselling. i know counselling/therapy can make you feel weird, as if you were too problematic, putting the spot light on you. this feeling can be even bigger if the first time you go to counselling, is right after something bad happened to you. but because i have done therapy in the past, and have gone through those awkward feelings myself, i knew right away that it would be a good idea to go now. nhs only give me 10 sessions, so it wont be a long process like it was before. but i think i should be just fine with this short-term counselling.

about the meeting, i think we were probably unlucky. too many people together that couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. what bothered me most was the fact that the coordinator only agreed with everyone. i kind of expected someone that would "control" the meeting whenever people were getting down. that didnt happen. one positive thing that i kept from the meeting was that i want to do the opposite of what they were doing (most of them, 6 months/a year went one and they are still crying a lot, blaming nhs or being jealous of new moms).

thank you all! people keep popping by to leave all these nice words and thoughts, im grateful for them.

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