stillbirth, sad but moving on

[jabuti]

hello all,

my story is not that different from others, even though i do feel like 'i am the only one going through this' sometimes. i was 30 weeks pregnant when the baby stopped moving. we went to the hospital, already a bit worried, and there was no heart beat. we were in shock. i delivered her on the 1st of july. it was our first baby and we were in love with her and the pregnancy since day one.

i started reading this forum two weeks ago and some how it has helped me. i have also started counselling, i want to resolve anything that is in my mind as opposed to hide it. i have lost other people in the past and i wasnt very good in griefing them properly, which affected me later on. now i feel and want to share my experience as much as i can, but with the right people. i say that because we attended one SANDS meeting and it didnt help us at all. the group that night was quite negative and we felt down afterwards.

im trying to move on and have different views about what happened to us. while we accept the fact that our baby only needed 30 weeks on this world and she gave us much happiness during this period, i still feel frustrated and upset from time to time. one of the worries i have is about how people will see me from now on too, if new moms/pregnant women will avoid me afraid i cant cope with them. i think how our society sees death doesnt help either, its always a sad occasion. even though we didnt have any conception trouble and my pregnancy was as healthy as it could be, once in a while i worry if i will ever be able to have a family. i guess im just like any other person that needs to have a successful experience in order to believe it can happen again. my baby was a success, but i do want one that will be here in this world with me too. i dont know if i could cope with several babies just coming and leaving soon, i feel quite weak in that way.

lots of thoughts in my mind right now. i wanted to share them with you all, after spending so many hours feeding on others' bravery to share their own story here.

X

Jabuti - I've only just seen this thread and wanted to say how sorry I am. You sound like a very brave person to me. I have had 2 previous early miscarriages and was devastated by them - I cannot imagine what you are going through having carried the baby for 30 weeks.

Jabuti, I just wanted to say how brave and inspirational you are. I can't imagine what you are going through and can't really think of anything else to say only that you are already a wonderful mother to your little girl and she has gone on her way with much love and strength to help her on the next part of her journey. sending love your way.

Hi Jabuti- I've just read your story and I only wanted to add to the other comments and say you are a mummy. I don't have much religious belief , but I do value spirituality in my own way, but i also believe life starts at conceptio and you and your dh were parents. x

thank you ladies! you are all very nice and i appreciate your support.

just gone to my second counselling section, i like the counsellor and its really helping me to vent all my thoughts, that can be quite negative sometimes.

I'm glad that you are getting on so well with your counsellor.
We are hopefully going to start soon as well.

It does no good to bottle things up and the negative things need to come out don't they?
X

it will be of a great help for you too coggy. also, its important to feel confortable with your counsellor,, dont hesitate changing if you dont like yours.

jabuti, no words but just sending heartfelt wishes and hugs to you. Very very sad to lose your baby angel so soon. x

jabuti, i'm so very sorry for your terrible experience recently and the loss of your baby. It is a living nightmare at times, but also life can feel 'normal' at times too and this is something to really hang on to. Of course all the cliches come into their own - time is a great healer etc.

I lost my first at 25 weeks in November and went onto lose another baby at 16 weeks at the end of May of this year.

There is clearly something going on with me - despite both post mortems showing up nothing wrong.

Don't know your situation, but I found that booking a holiday to just get away from it all - because it is a lot to deal with (I was terrified of how others would react to me) was the best medicine I could have had - it has enabled me to get some perspective again.

I would be happy to talk to you any time - CAT me if you like. I might know a little bit of what youre feeling.

take care, be as selfish as you possibly can be and just concentrate on you and your dh for a bit - don't do anything you don't want to do.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

dhw
x

dhw have you had any news from the hospital? (sorry if you have posted about this and I've missed it, x)

yes, results back from pm and again they have no idea why it might have happened...not pursuing private route for now - i'll do a thread - don't want to hijack this one!

thank you mrs noah!

dhw, i think i have to pay to use cat, is that right?

i was thinking about your case dhw. if we forget the strict line that after 24 weeks is stillbirth, wouldnt be both cases of miscarriage? how do the doctors see it? its just because miscarriage is different from stillbirth in terms of what to expect for your future (sorry if im repeating what you already now), even though it hurts all the same.

i get the results from the post-mortum at the end of august but im not caring too much about it, i must admit. from what im reading, unless is a disease that medicine can avoid for next pregnancy, nobody really knows how to prevent stillbirth or miscarriage.

we thought of going away, and i had the same feeling of 'how will people see me", which thank god is going away. what we did at the end was to take a vaccation from our routine, by going out lots, long walks with our dog, just my partner and i. and it worked. now we are back seeing friends and planning for the future (im now also taking a big step career wise, i have decided).

hope you are well.

i just read your thread, i now know about your plans

yes you have to pay to cat - but i'll always talk on here if you want to.

Legally with a stillbirth you have to do things differently - you have to have a funeral/cremation by law - which feels so bloody alien when you have never had to do anything like this. So stillbirth is a lot more heavy duty just for that reason alone.

My second was termed miscarriage at 16 weeks. But it was a missed miscarriage I guess and not a proper miscarriage because the body didn't reject the baby.