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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Abortion trauma

61 replies

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 17:10

I feel wrong and ashamed for putting this inbetween stories of genuine losses, but I had an abortion 18 months ago and its left me very traumatised. Ive tried commiting suicide (not cries for help) a few times (took too little, then too much and just threw up for 24 hours), and have been on medication (ADs, sleeping pills, diazepam) until I became pregnant again ,and have gone onto beta blockers now because im breastfeeding. I have seen a physchiatrist and pyschologist (cant spell!) but they brushed it aside and diagnosed me with PND (which was an insult really). This was about 5 months after the abortion. I spent about £1000 on seeing them to do silly breathing exercises for the panic attacks I was getting. They said Id done the right thing (i was 18- the only reason I can think of) and said I shouldnt get pregnant. I also have trouble sleeping with my partner and the psychiatrist said he'd leave me without sex! Because of this ive never seeked anymore help - nothing is going to change what I did and most days I really cant cope with it. Last night I flipped again and just walked out the door and sat in a field until about midnight hoping id be murdered or something. I really cant get over it.

OP posts:

jasper · 24/07/2006 21:38

qp did you hear this very topic being discussed on Radio 2 on the jeremy vine show? There were lots of women just liike you saying exactly the same thing.
If you go to www.bbc.co.uk and follow links to radio then radio2 then jeremy Vine there will be a summary of the discussion and links to helpful stuff. You cna even use the "listen again" facility to hear the programme .
Good luck

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 21:45

its hard pushing for help when you've tried and been left feeling worse. I guess I expect it to be handed to me on a plate. Thats why I walked out last night... I wanted people to sit up and take notice...

OP posts:

hester · 24/07/2006 21:56

I am so very sorry that you've been so hurt by this, quootiepie. I had an abortion when I was a couple of years younger than you, which left me feeling very bruised and distressed. It was several years before I came to terms with it, and that was through gaining greater understanding of the whole miserable context around it, and the horrible feeling of powerlessness in the middle of it all.

I agree that some specialist counselling should help. The agency you have contacted are I think connected to an anti-abortion organisation, which shouldn't affect the quality of the care you get, but just be aware that there are alternatives if you feel they are bringing a bit of an agenda with them.

You WILL get through this. You have had a horribly distressing experience, you have also recently gone through childbirth and the early postnatal period, you have had relationship difficulties and also problems with your dp's family. I'm not surprised you are feeling so lost and upset. Please, please get yourself the help you need - from Care, the Samaritans, anyone. You probably feel you don't deserve good care right now but you do - and your baby certainly deserves a mum who is confident and happy with herself.

Thinking of you x

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 22:09

thanks everyone for posting - means ALOT. i expected people to be horrible to me. Ill try careconfidential tomorrow, and jasper - is that radio programme upsetting? if it is, i better not listen to it...

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 22:39

Hi, this might sound a bit off the wall, but it's a bit different and might help you. I had an abortion too, years ago now and it haunted me for along time. That's normal. What you are feeling is normal, it's called grief and it's OK to feel awful. You don't have to feel that you have to get rid of these feelings, that's going to make you feel worse. Your feelings validate your baby and that's very important.
Any way back to off the wall stuff!
Have you considered going to some sort of alternative practioner? Part of me feels some of it is a bit kookie, but I used to go and see a reiki healer and she was fantastic. She could sense all the loss within me and could communicate with the residual enrgy, as well as getting rid of energies that weren't doing me any good. When I chose to see her I was desparate and at a loss as to what I could do to make me feel better. I didn't expect it to help but it really helped me to be at peace with some things. A healer might be able to help you "get in touch" with your lost baby. I don't know, you might think I'm crazy ( I'm not honest!) I needed to know that my baby's soul was still around and that all was ok.
Please don't stop trying to help yourself. You will get there, it will take time. Be patient and above all be kind to yourself. Good luck

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 22:42

ill try anything... ill really look into it, thanks x

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 22:46

No probs, most of all BELIEVE in youself that it WILL pass, just not as quickly as you would like, but each day is a day closer to feeling better x

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 22:51

i feel as if if i feel better im justifying and excepting it, and not honouring (?) the babys memory

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 22:53

What do you mean?

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 22:58

if i try accepting the abortion, im justifying it, and by doing that im not honouring the babys memory and making it seem he/she was nothing.

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 23:10

No, no, I disagree, acceptance isn't any form of justification. You accept that it happened because it did and nothing can change that, no matter how much you try and fight it, it happened.
You can honour your baby's memory without crucifying yourself. I honestly believe, and I'm really not trying to make you do the same, but I Do believe that all the souls up there know what we're feeling. I believe that your baby wouldn't want you to suffer the way you are suffering now. I believe that every choice we make in our lives is made for a reason that might not become clear to us even in our life time . For instance, I have suffered many miscarriages, they were hard to cope with of course, but I knew that it wasn't the right time for that particular little soul to be with me. When I saw my healer once she told me that I had alot of energy, souls she said gathered round my head waiting to come down. 1 week later I found I was pregnant , infact she told me even before I did a test!!
I believe that your baby's soul would want you to be at peace. Who knows maybe it has already found a place to go. Do see if you can find a healer, that might well be able to help you. sorry, that was a bit long winded!

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 23:12

where do you find one? x

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 23:16

Well, I know there are ones in the phone books. Do you have alternative therapy places where you live, because they would I live in the S.E. so it's quite easy to find one here. There must be a list of registered practitioners. Try googling it. Mine was recommended by a friend so unless you live near brighton that's not much help.

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 23:18

Live in Berkshire... Id feel so embarrassed contacting them though.

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 23:18

I'm off to bed now. I'll see how you are tomorrow. Why don't you try and "talk" with your baby, he/she can hear you. Tell them how you feel and say the things you need to say. xx

kittywits · 24/07/2006 23:19

Why? They won't be.!

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 23:21

just ashamed of my reason for contacting them. Thanks for your posts x

OP posts:

kittywits · 24/07/2006 23:23

sleep well

jasper · 24/07/2006 23:56

qp I don't think it is particularly upsetting . It really just emphasises how common post abortion trauma is and how it is not often discussed.

Original poster

quootiepie · 24/07/2006 23:59

ok, thanks, ill have a listen

OP posts:

kittywits · 25/07/2006 09:29

Hello Quootipie, are you feeling any better today?

Original poster

quootiepie · 25/07/2006 18:58

Hiya, yeah I am. Its up and down though. Didnt get round to calling careconfidential, but I will (or well, hubby will) tomorrow. Worth a go I guess.

OP posts:

liquidclocks · 26/07/2006 12:41

Hi Quootiepie, hope your resolve is still there today and you're going to make that call. Is DH going to go with you maybe? Hope you can help eachother.

Original poster

quootiepie · 29/07/2006 18:43

Hiya... Husband knows to ring them, been v. busy though, getting him to ring monday. Gone from beta-blockers to diazepam now, but hopefully the councilling will sort it

OP posts:

dizietsma · 02/08/2006 07:20

I had a very similar reaction to you, quootiepie, and I would recommend that as well as seeking help from your doctor etc you should visit the message boards on www.afterabortion.com, the people there are really lovely and understanding and really helped me.

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