Abortion trauma

[quootiepie]

I feel wrong and ashamed for putting this inbetween stories of genuine losses, but I had an abortion 18 months ago and its left me very traumatised. Ive tried commiting suicide (not cries for help) a few times (took too little, then too much and just threw up for 24 hours), and have been on medication (ADs, sleeping pills, diazepam) until I became pregnant again ,and have gone onto beta blockers now because im breastfeeding. I have seen a physchiatrist and pyschologist (cant spell!) but they brushed it aside and diagnosed me with PND (which was an insult really). This was about 5 months after the abortion. I spent about £1000 on seeing them to do silly breathing exercises for the panic attacks I was getting. They said Id done the right thing (i was 18- the only reason I can think of) and said I shouldnt get pregnant. I also have trouble sleeping with my partner and the psychiatrist said he'd leave me without sex! Because of this ive never seeked anymore help - nothing is going to change what I did and most days I really cant cope with it. Last night I flipped again and just walked out the door and sat in a field until about midnight hoping id be murdered or something. I really cant get over it.

I don't want to sound patronising (sorry if I do) - but being a grown up means you have to learn to deal with hard things and grief in a way that you didn't when you were younger.

So don't stop talking about it and talking to your husband just because it makes you both upset and you are frightened of that. The being upset is part of the grieving process and going through it helps you come to terms with the way you feel and come out the other side.

Your DH is part of the whole thing - it was his baby too - he was partly responsible for you doing what you did, he obviously found it hard to deal with because you split up so soon after. The fact that you are together now means you do really care for each other and so should be able to help each other come to terms with it.

For what it is worth - my opinion is the "baby" was never a real live baby, more a potential person. You chose - for whatever reason - to not go ahead with it. That affects you - how you look at yourself and the biggest problem is you can't forgive yourself yet. You have to accept where you were then, and accept you are not there now, accept it is done, you can't change it - but you can learn from it - learn to know yourself better. You have to find a way to forgive yourself, your DH and your DH's family.

And above all accept - you now have a real live baby to deal with - it deserves to have a happy mother (and father), and does not deserve to have it's family blighted by something that happened in the past, which was a result of what you thought was the best thing to do at the time.

I hope you can start feeling better soon.

"For what it is worth - my opinion is the "baby" was never a real live baby, more a potential person."

That's rather a mean thing to say, I doubt you'd be saying it to someone who had a miscarriage and I don't think your comments are at all appropriate here.

QP have you thought about having a brief farewell service for you to say goodbye, also some there on here is a thread about spirit children which I know some posters have found comforting, you did what you had to do at that moment in time forgive yourself

what is wrong with 'potential person'? applies just as well to miscarriages as terminations!

Sorry, didnt realised people had posted... HV came yesterday and parts came out, and shes sorting specialist councilling for me. I cant see the baby as a potential person... to me babies arent suddenly babies once they are outside the womb, they are always babies. I know you mean well, but its just not how I feel. Ive tried not blocking it all, facing up to it, but it literally drives me mad. Ive sat for days at a time crying and crying, not even knowing what to do with myself, going from lying on the bed, to sitting on the floor, lying on the floor... Im like a jack-in-the-box trying to stop from going back there.

What can I say, nothing particularily useful just that what has happened to you medically since the abortion is abhorrent and no wonder you are feeling the way you feel.

I am thinking of you.

Quootiepie, I too had an abortion. I was 18 at the time and, although it was definitely the right thing to do under the circumstances, that did not make it easy by any means. I kept it to myself and spent many years agonizing and berating myself. Therapy is very helpful. I agree with the poster who recommended CBT. You also may need to change AD's at some point. I'm not sure how long you have been on your current ones, but don't hesitate to get re-evaluated. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right ones, although bfing can limit your options.

Lastly, something that was very helpful to me, even many years afterwards, is a book called Spirit Babies. It discusses the fact that the little spirits who were aborted harbor no ill-will towards the mother and simply go back to wait for another time. It is a comforting thought and I like to think that my ds is the same little spirit from long ago.

Talking helps, and your dh would find it helpful too, although it is painful.

I have a necklace now with ds's birthstone and the one of my little angel. I don't wear it often but it was very comforting to me at one time. You may eventually feel like wearing yours too, but don't feel that you have to wear it.

Im on diazepam right now... getting me through I guess.

I'm on Zoloft for PN PTSD. It is safe for bfing. I noticed a big change very quickly. Might be something to ask about.

thanks... I will do. Its hard to find things that work, hence being on diazepam, which isnt really ideal.

Just searching through my old threads... you know, I never plucked up the courage to ring careconfidential At least the guy from A & E knows this was a main factor in the overdose, so they are sorting the right sort of help now. Ill keep everyone posted on how it all goes xXx