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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I shouldn't be so upset about my gran's death at my age...

31 replies

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:15

My lovely gran died on Saturday at the age of 92. She was ill in hospital, had stopped eating or drinking and was ready to go. I am 34. All these reasons mean that I shouldn't be upset- I know this logically- but still feel very low whenever I stop doing something or am on my own. Have been crying on and off since Sat. I keep thinking I could have done more for her.

Anyone else feel this way about losing a grandparent in adulthood? Or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:

Moomoomie · 14/10/2013 17:17

Not at all ridiculous, your gran has been part of your whole life.
It is natural to grieve, however old the person is, it is still sad.
Ny dear gran died last year aged 93 and I felt the same.
Be good to yourself.

usualsuspect · 14/10/2013 17:20

Of course you are not being ridiculous.Cry as much as you need too.

There isn't an age limit for grieving

Sorry for your loss.

Mintyy · 14/10/2013 17:20

Why shouldn't you feel grief for your grandma?

I was terribly sad when my maternal grandma died. She was nearly 95 and I was nearly 41.

I am so sorry for your loss and do allow yourself to feel everything. It is not ridiculous at all.

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:21

Thank you moomoonie. I am fighting back tears now as I type this. I just can't stop thinking about never seeing her again and worrying about whether I did enough for her when she was alive.

OP posts:

Bluebell99 · 14/10/2013 17:25

Oh course it is natural to be upset. So sorry to hear that you have lost your gran. I think it must be harder in a way because she has always been in your life. I lost my two remaining grandparents at the age of 10, and the other two I never knew.

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:25

Thank you mintyy and usual. She was a very special person. Actually she wasn't my real gran but because I had no grandparents alive from a very young age, and she had no grabdchildren, she took on the role. I have been her granddaughter for thirty years. She looked after me when I was little, took me out, I stayed with her when my parents went away. Then as she and I got older I used to take her on days out- we even went on holiday together when she was 89! I loved her so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:26

Thank you bluebell.

OP posts:

Owllady · 14/10/2013 17:27

he sounds lovely :) It is normal to grieve for special people in your life and Gran's are very special people (it doesn't matter that you are 34) xx

Owllady · 14/10/2013 17:27

she, sorry!

It sounds like you had a lovely relationship

KatyMac · 14/10/2013 17:29

Of course she was your 'real' gran & you loved her & you feel her loss

What your age has to do with it I really don't know

Sparklingbrook · 14/10/2013 17:29

I lost my Nan in 2009. She was 98, I was floored by it. i think people thought 'well she's 98' etc. Grief doesn't care how old you are-it's how you feel. x

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:31

We got on so well! She used to say that if we had met when we were both young, we would have been friends. We laughed at the same things. When I was st university she used to love hearing about my nights out. She loved dancing and even when she couldn't do it herself, she loved watching from the sidelines. She was an amazing cook and we used to discuss recipes all the time. Just a lovely, warm, funny person.

OP posts:

SatinSandals · 14/10/2013 17:32

Of course you should. My father in law was over 100 and he had had enough of life, I still really miss him and I was upset because he was so lovely.

brunette123 · 14/10/2013 17:33

I am so sorry to hear about your gran. It is natural to feel the way you do and it is such early days. I have lost both my parents (didn't know my grandparents at all) and often think I could have done more, or been a better daughter or more patient or made myself more available so I can understand what you are saying but you took her out and took her on holiday - I am certain she will have known how much you loved her and appreciated everything you did for her. 92 is a good age - doesn't make it easier but it sounds like she had people in her life who loved her and welcomed her as a family member and if she was very poorly then she would have had no quality of life. No matter what your rational mind tells you, your emotional side will always feel that you could have done more but you must remember how much you did do. So many old folk have no family and no one to love them and take them out. It sounds as though both you and your nan were blessed to have had each other and I hope that in time, you will remember the positives and happy times you shared and I am sending you lots of love I am so sad to read your post xxxxx

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 17:36

Thanks everyone, your kind words are making me cry on the bus :) :(

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 14/10/2013 17:38

She sounds like a wonderful Gran.

You will remember her with a smile in time.

cupcakeicing · 14/10/2013 17:41

Very sorry to read this Yonily.
You've just lost someone who you have loved and has loved you your whole life, you must be devestated.
I was 31 and newly pregnant when my grandad died at 92. I am comforted every day that my DS looks so much like him and has his nature too.
You have been blessed by this relationship and you need time to grieve. In time the feelings of grief will be taken over again by the wonderful memories I am sure you have.

Snargaluff · 14/10/2013 17:47

The way you feel about her death proves you must have done more than enough for her. You wouldn't feel that loss so deeply had you not cared enough to love her and show love to her. I am sorry for your loss, your age doesn't mean you have to not be sad

DropYourSword · 14/10/2013 17:48

My grandad died nearly a year ago. He was a great man.
We weren't especially close and didn't talk very often but I loved him. I still have a cry every now and then nearly a year later. There's no such thing as shouldn't feel upset, of course you'll be upset, you've lost someone you've loved. Remember all the lovely times you've had together and celebrate her life.

ParvatiTheWitch · 14/10/2013 17:48

Hi OP, my Nan died in January at the age of 84. I was heartbroken. I had never had someone that close to me die before, I was lucky to get to the age of 40 before that happened. I am better than I was and I've had an ok summer, but I don't feel like celebrating Christmas much this year. Give yourself time and be around others who loved her, so you can cry and hopefully laugh together.
Have you had anyone close die before? I ask this because I hadn't and I knew Nan was going to die. I had the words, "Nan is going to die" in my head, but it was like death was an abstract concept for me until it happened and then I really felt it. You have got me crying now! Take it easy on yourself, I know it really hurts and that you probably feel as if you'll never stop crying but you will.

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 18:11

Oh thank you everyone, you are all lovely. Parvati, my 'real' grandparents died when I was too young to remember or before I was born. My grandad (the husband of my gran who has just died, again not my 'real' grandad) died when I was 19 and I was very upset about that, but we were not half as close as I was to my gran- and also my gran and I have had my whole adult life together as well as my childhood life. You are right in saying that I have never lost someone so close before- and that I knew she was going to die, but couldn't conceptualise it.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 14/10/2013 18:16

The only reason you wouldn't be upset was if you were stone cold heartless. Grief is an incredibly powerful emotion and it is sadly the price we have to pay for the equally powerful emotion of love. You loved your gran, and you should expect your grief to be commensurate with that love. It will hurt, it will feel like forever to begin with, but know also that it will get better over time, and one of the best ways to honour a life well lived is to remember it freely and fully. Talk about her, laugh with her memories, hold her in your own x

SirRaymondClench · 14/10/2013 18:24

I'm not sure why you feel you shouldn't be upset for your Gran but I can tell you it's absolutely ok to and I would be heartbroken (and will be when my Granny passes)
My cat was pts this afternoon and I've been in floods of tears all day.
You are never too old to grieve for someone you love
Have a huge hug from me
xxx

Original poster

YonilyDevotedToYou · 14/10/2013 18:56

Thanks SirRaymond. Sorry to hear about your cat :( also sorry for everyone's losses. It means a lot to read your kind words.

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 14/10/2013 19:45

I could have written your post OP. My gran died 2 years ago today, she was 92, she had a wonderful life, saw her great-grandchild, passed away quickly and with little pain, all things that mean that rationally I should be OK with her passing. Rationally I know it does not compare with other people's grief and I know there was nothing to regret about her life...I was still in tears all day long today. You can't help how you feel. When you love someone and they die the love doesn't just disappear. It does get easier, my grief is not as raw as it was 2 years ago so I wish the same for you.

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