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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Could do with some hand-holding please?

480 replies

ChubbyKitty · 20/05/2013 06:32

Horrific accident in my parents house. Mum and grandad have both gone, dad is stable, and only found one of three cats.

I'm 21, I did not expect to lose my mum this soon at all. It hasn't even sunk in properly yet, and I know when it does I will be completely destroyed. What do I even do

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 07/07/2013 22:44

Will it be a religious ceremony or humanist, ? Are you and your dad planning it together? It's all very stressful isn't it, and in your circumstance it's worse than normal. Do you have a big family that you have to notify about dates etc ?

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 07/07/2013 22:57

Definitely humanist, she was very non-religious! We're doing it together which takes some of the pressure off I think. Not a massive family but we're scattered all over so it's a case of figuring out where they can stay.

I'd have someone in my spare room but there's no bed. Just crap. Endless boxes of crap.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 07/07/2013 23:01

Depending of ages of people any teenagers could prob sleep in a tent or in sleeping bags in lounge or something , but of course if lot older this wouldn't be any good. Would any friends be able to Help out with accommodation ? I like humanist funerals, my family is not religious either. And I think at a humanist funeral, much more is said about the person who has died.

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 07/07/2013 23:18

Youngest person who will be there is my best friend, but she's quite local. I do have a friend about 30 seconds from my house with a spare room if it became a real need. Ill have to double check with my dad as he's doing most of the calling around(I'm terrible at phone calls)

I just know if we'd given her a vicar she would have haunted me until kingdom come. The only time we ever went to church together was when I first voted!

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 07/07/2013 23:28

Well it helps that you know just what your mum would want. I was lucky in that my mum left exact instructions as to what she wanted so we just had to follow that, but of course in your case it is completely different.
( Oh my god ! A bloody stag beetle is on my lounge floor ! Dh dithering about picking it up! )
He caught it in the newspaper and back out in the garden now.
Yes maybe that would be helpful if your friend could help if you need her to. Best have a stand by just in case

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 09/07/2013 09:07

I can certainly talk to her about it. She's a very nice person so I can't imagine her saying no if it was an emergency!

I have some good(ish) news from yesterday, the funeral directors have now collected her and she is back in town. Of course now it feels much more real, and me and my dad realised yesterday that her birthday would have been next week, so that's going to be a little hard.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 09/07/2013 11:23

Oh chubby, I fear that you are now going to be getting very upset as the reality kicks in. Such a sad situation. Will you be able to go and see your mum or don't you want to. Take all the support offered to you. So will the funeral be next week. It's awful for you because everything has been on hold. Take care of yourself.

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 09/07/2013 12:41

It's a little later while we get everything organised. We can go and visit but we can't see the body. That makes it worse but at least I can remember her how she was

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 09/07/2013 15:33

Maybe that is for the best in the circumstances. You could write her a letter and ask them to put it in with her and maybe a photo pf you as well. For some they prefer to just remember people how they were when they last saw them. Very sad days for you

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 10/07/2013 01:40

I like that idea. I'm not sure what I could write, but I know writing things down is good for getting it out without having to tell someone iyswim?

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 11/07/2013 14:15

I wrote a letter, and put various things in with her, silly things really , but they were all relevant to my mum. I also cut a little curl and I have it in my locket, the only thing is I'm now to frightened to wear it in case it gets lost !!! But it is very special to me. Have you been back for anymore shifts at work or do you still feel unsettled . Will be good for you when you can get back to your normal routine as your life has been thrown into chaos for the last few weeks.
How is your dad , not forgetting the cats !

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 11/07/2013 14:38

My dad is doing really well but I think now the proceedings have all started its starting to feel a lot more real for him. I went for a little shift on Tuesday and I've sorted out the nights I can work this month. The cats are great one is pawing at me right now and she's very happy haha. I'd like to get back to some normality, I'm trying to declutter the house a bit while I'm not working, think it might make me feel better to sink back into a routine with a nice tidy space.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 11/07/2013 20:57

The thing is, no matter what is going on the bills have to be paid dont they. No break from them at all for anyone. Hopefully all this part will soon be over and you can start to,put your life back together. Will your dad be going back to work. ?

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 12/07/2013 00:03

He will eventually yeah. I'm not sure when. We've both got the problem that our 'proper grief', if you like, has been so delayed. I'm just going to have to push through it, I can't really be off any longer. I've sorted out my hours the rest of this month and organised when my new longer shifts will start in August(DP and I are switching to nights to try and get more money).

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 12/07/2013 00:46

Yes I think you are right, be prepared for it to hit you. But with the grief eventually will come the healing. I think initially, especially in your case, it's such a shock and hard to take it all in, almost like disbelief. But hopefully very soon now you can at least get some closure. Glad your getting your work sorted, be good to earn more money.

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 12/07/2013 02:37

Both our hours will match up better as well, so well have more time together like couples are meant to!

I must go to bed now. Thankfully DP is fast asleep so he can't laugh at me with my rollers in and a scarf round my head

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 12/07/2013 08:02

I have a vision of Ena sharples from corrie in her hair net and rollers

mummylin2495 · 12/07/2013 08:03

It will be better for you to have DP around as I think you will probably need the support, makes sense to work similar hours or you end up not seeing each other very much.

NappyHappy · 12/07/2013 17:11

@ Ena.

Just bobbing in to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 13/07/2013 14:05

Aw Nappy thank you. I've been sent a draft of whats being said at the funeral, it's quite an emotional read but it's really nice. We still need to put our words into it but its hard to sum everything up in one or two paragraphs really.

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 13/07/2013 22:52

I think you have a very difficult task, I struggle just to write on the little card that goes with the flowers . It's so hard to know what to write. Then you don't know the best way to say it ! And you will always think of something you wanted to say when you have finished it ! Just say what your heart tells you to x

Original poster

ChubbyKitty · 15/07/2013 09:20

So today is her birthday. I'm sure this is going to be rough as hell on all of us

OP posts:

mummylin2495 · 15/07/2013 09:35

In my thoughts chubby, I know how hard it is to get thought the " firsts" of everything x

Kahlua4me · 15/07/2013 09:46

Will be thinking of you today.
As mummylin said, the first of everything is tough. It does get easier as time goes on, you don't forget but the pain eases.
I think you are doing amazingly well. I lost my Dad when I was 21 and it is so hard.
But carry on as you are doing and you will get there.
Sometimes it felt like 2 steps forward and 3 back, with me, but slowly it settled down. Now I can talk about him easily and laugh at memories.

mummylin2495 · 15/07/2013 22:00

Hope you and your dad coped with today ok. It's a bit overwhelming isn't it. More so for you as you haven't yet had the funeral.
Did you manage to do your written bit ?

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