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Original poster

The mum of one of dd's school friends has died...

38 replies

Earlybird · 15/05/2006 15:48

I'm in complete shock. I've just had a call from dd's class rep to say that the mum of one of dd's classmates died yesterday. There is no word yet on whether or not it was caused by illness or an accident.

I was just with this woman on Friday, We walked together to the coffee morning, and she was trying to convince me to come to her place in the country on Sunday (yesterday) to meet a man she thought I might like.

We sat at coffee morning on Friday with 5 or 6 other mums planning costumes for the school play. I am stunned. I don't know what to say to dd, and my heart goes out to this woman's dear little girl.

OP posts:
Cam · 15/05/2006 15:49

Sad Sad

ponygirl · 15/05/2006 15:58

Shock Sad

Original poster
Earlybird · 15/05/2006 15:59

THere's no real information. I keep picturing her saying goodbye to her dd before the coffee morning, as I was standing right there.

OP posts:
robin3 · 15/05/2006 16:02

That's awful....poor poor child.

Esmummy · 15/05/2006 16:02

How awful :(

Orlando · 15/05/2006 16:02

so sorry EB. It's a hideous reminder of that 'in the midst of life we are in death' thing, and utterly, horribly shocking. It doesn't matter how well you know someone, when it's as sudden and unexpected as this you find yourself absolutely knocked for six.

Take care and go easy on yourself. hope you've got someone to give you a big hug tonight.

TinyGang · 15/05/2006 16:09

Sad That's terribly sad and an awful shock. It seems so cruel when a young person dies and has young children who still need them so much.

I just can't fathom the logic of it, if indeed there is any. It all seems so random when we spend every day trying to bring order and security to our lives. So sorrySad

Bink · 15/05/2006 16:10

Oh how awful.
Earlybird, horridly similar happened in my dd's class (father of little boy, accident). The family were from overseas and just went straight home, the next weekend. We didn't see the little boy again. If you can make the archives work, I posted about it on here.

What we did was explain to dd why she would not be seeing her classmate again, in very simple terms, emphasising how the rest of his family felt ("so sad that they just wanted to go to their own country and be all together") - rather than much about the fact of the death. I think the school, too, took an "answer questions as they arise" line rather than getting all the children together to speak to them. But, of course, that was in the context of the family leaving - and also this was when dd & her classmates were only 4ish, so the school didn't want to overburden them.

Is your dd friends with the little girl?

Cam · 15/05/2006 16:10

Two years ago this August a school dad died. It's very hard.

Original poster
Earlybird · 15/05/2006 16:14

We both stopped to peer through the window to watch our dds in the classroom before walking on. She lingered longer than I did. I just can't believe it.

OP posts:
blueteddy · 15/05/2006 16:15

Sad How awful. Very, very sad.

sobernow · 15/05/2006 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Earlybird · 15/05/2006 16:20

DD never had a playdate with the little girl, but we have had supper together with her mum, and spent a limited amount of time together outside school on other occasions.

I've got to go out now so won't be able to respond for a bit, but thank you all for listening, and helping me work this through. It helps tremendously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlybird · 16/05/2006 06:46

Dreading going to school today. Word will be out, and spreading like wildfire. It's shocking, and completely unexpected. There seems to be little information about what actually happened, which adds to the inability to take it in and in some way will cause more conversation as people ask "what happened". This mum knew alot of people as her dd attended the nursery affiliated with the school.

The school wants to send a letter home today in book bags, and then let parents speak to their children about it tonight at home. I'm not sure that's the best plan. This is such awful news, that I think the kids will pick up on the fact that people are upset. I'd hate for dd to hear about it at random, or overhear without me there to explain things to her.

Thinking long and hard about what to say to dd so that she understands with as little trauma as possible. Don't want her to be irrationally afraid that something will happen to me.

And I can't stop thinking of that poor, poor child. It's the absolute worst thing that could have happened in her life. I feel devastated for her. Sad

OP posts:
sobernow · 16/05/2006 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bink · 16/05/2006 11:21

Thinking of you (and everyone), EB. In a way, the letter home is a good idea, as it means all of the parents are given the same information in the same way. Better than an assembly, for instance, where you can't cater for questions bubbling to the surface afterwards.

I did worry about my dd "finding out the wrong way" too, as she's a real little-pitcher-with-big-ears, but in the end how someone finds something out isn't something you can absolutely control. What mattered more was whether dd felt OK to bring us all her questions (which she did - some fairly uninhibited ones). So the moment of finding out was very quickly superseded by the questioning process, which, though very very sad, was not actually disturbing.

Once the questions are answered, I should think there will be a proposal for a charity or other act in memory - which will be a good focus for everyone.

Posey · 16/05/2006 20:53

Just seen this Earlybird Sad
How are you and the others at school?
I, unfortunately, have had too much experience of this. Won't go into a load of detail here, as its on another recent thread. But think I can understand what you're going through and will be happy to talk more if you need/want to.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Original poster
Earlybird · 17/05/2006 16:55

Thanks to everyone here for being my virtual support system. It's been a surreal few days.

All of us were instructed by the school to tell our dds the news last night. The class rep located some helpful information about how to deal intelligently/compassionately with children who are faced with the realities of a bereavement. I'm also fortunate to have support here from all of you, and from some very wise real life friends who let me think out loud about my feelings and how to manage this for dd.

My instinct in telling dd was to keep the details brief and then await her (inevitable) questions. I started by saying there's some very sad news; I let her see that I was/am sad but made a point of being clearly in control when I spoke to her. I said X's mom has died, they're not sure why yet but probably she was sick. I said we don't always know why these things happen but it's very very unusual and rare for it to happen to such a young mum. I also told her that I do a very good job of taking care of myself and having checkups, so I know I'm healthy.

DD sat quietly for a minute, and then said "poor X, her mummy is lovely", then asked a few questions, and then moved onto other things. But, before we left the subject behind completely, I told her that it's fine to bring it up if she wants to talk more about it. She then went to bed. At some point in the night, she cried out several times. I went to her, stroked her hair, and said "it's alright, mummy's here" .... and then immediately thought of the poor child who won't hear those words again. The whole situation is unbearably sad.

OP posts:
unicorn · 17/05/2006 16:59

Oh Earlybird, I am so sorry, how truly awful.

You sound like you have dealt with your dd superbly.

hunkercaribou · 17/05/2006 17:15

Oh, Earlybird, how horribly sad Sad

Want to say more, but don't have the words Sad

Esmummy · 17/05/2006 17:19

So sad Earlybird :( You sound like you have dealt with it brilliantly though.

GDG · 17/05/2006 17:51

Earlybird - I know how you are feeling, just a month or so ago the father of ds1's friend (reception) died very suddenly (not an accident and not a long term illness, it was very, very sudden and unexpected). Like you say, you think about how you only saw them the other day, it makes you so sad for the child(ren) left behind, their partner and it makes you realise how fragile your own life is and it's just devastating.

One of the other mums who was close to the couple went in to the class and explained it to the class as a whole. Really I didn't have to do anything as ds1 just told me about it in a very matter of fact manner. He refers to it sometimes and mentioned how the little boy was sad today etc. It's heartbreaking isn't it?

tamum · 17/05/2006 18:00

How awful, Earlybird, and the others on here who have gone through similar things. Earlybird, I don't want to add to your burdens, but have you thought of writing down your memories, slight as they are, for the woman's daughter to read when she's older? I'm sure she will have lots of family telling her how much her mother loved her, but I wonder whether having a little note explaining how her mother lingered to see how she was doing through the window might be a lovely extra.

Esmummy · 17/05/2006 18:02

Tamum that is a lovely idea.

Original poster
Earlybird · 17/05/2006 20:00

I talked again to dd about it tonight as I was saying goodnight. She kept saying "but mummy, I'm confused how it could happen" and then asked if it was possible if the mum could come back to life. As she talked about that, it dawned on me that the Easter story of Jesus coming alive from the dead is still fresh in her mind. Bless her, she's looking for any way to make things better, or to have a happy resolution to the situation.

GDG - it is so hard. DD has been very clingy today. I picked her up from a playdate, and she flew into my arms with a loud "I missed you so much mummy".

Bink and Posey - as always, thanks for your thoughtful posts.

tamum - that is a lovely idea. And yes, I've spoken to the class rep about organising a "memory book" for the little girl. The children in the class could each do a drawing, make a flower, etc, and all of us who knew the mum could contribute a short (or long) memory - and something as simple, yet poignant as her gazing through the window says a great deal about the love she felt for her dd. I think a little book of our memories of them together could fill a huge space for her in future. And it could be very significant for her to have memories from people outside her family who knew her/her mum during the last months/weeks/days of her mums life.

Thanks to all for your lovely words. It really is comforting.

The little girl was back at school today, and dd said she completely fell apart when it was time for pick up and her mum wasn't there. Heartbreaking.

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