Thank you for all your kind replies x
I would like to tell you my sons name but I dont want to be recognised. We told everyone that our son just passed away, i didnt want to be judged for what i did. The only people who know thatvwe decided to have an abortion is my mum and sister and my step dad.
He was due in July. When I was in labour with him id said to the midwife " Im sure I can still feel him kicking" she said she doubted it because usually the babies pass away before thir born because its too much stress on their little bodies and with the pain releif id had his body wouldnt be able to take it. As soon as he was born I asked the midwife if he was dead, she smiled and said no hes kicking and punching ( he was born in his sac ) she had to tear the sac to get him out and my partner cut the umbilical chord.
She passed him to me straight away, his mouth was opening and shutting but he didnt make a sound. I told him i loved him and laughed and said were not meant to meet yet, you were due in July. I asked ny partner if he wanted to hokd him and bless him he said " can i?"
As soon as he held him my partner gave him a cuddle and a kiss and then started crying. I feel bad for this now because i said to him quite harshly " Dont get upset infront of him i want him to remember us happy not crying and upset".
We then got took into a flat as such on the ward where my partner dressed him. My step dad had made a tiny babygrow and boots and gloves tobdress our baby in. It was lovely to have clothes for him, my youngest sister knitted him a blanket and we wrapped him up in that too. We also gave him a bath and we got to spebd a few hours just like a normal family. It judt seemed like he was asleep thevwhole time. I had him on sunday 10th march which was mothers day so i got to spend a mothers day with him.
I couldnt bring myself to leave him, ivstayed in hospital with him for two days i just couldnt let him go. I decidedvaswell that i wanted to take him tovthe chapel of rest myself, i didnt want strangers touching him, hed be scared. We put him in a nice basjet with a lid he had a teddy and about 6 blabkets lol. I didnt want him to get cold. We went and saw him everyday before the funeral. It hurt so much leaving him everytime.
I had my son cremated and his ashes are in my front room for now, i have no idea what i want to dobwith them. Ivdidnt want him to be buried because id want to see him all the time and he would of been scared on his own. My uterus is still going back into place, it eels like him kicking and i jeep forgetting hes not inside me anymore.
Thank you for your lovely replies, Im going to have a look at SANDS online, i find it a lot easier to write rather than to actually talk. Its an emotional rollercoaster, one minute im numb then im devastaed and then im well and truky angry. Im so so angry but theres no one to be angry at, it wasnt anyones fault.
Missymoo, im really sorry. That isva terrible thing to happen to anyone. Ive only been out a few times but most people know whats happened. No one mentions it though and people have barely spoke to me. I know its because they dont know what to say. It doesnt help though i just feel even more alone.
People have said you can always have another baby. But ivdont want another baby, i want the baby iv lost. Plus i dont think we will fall pregnant again for a long time, my partner is on medication which makes his sperm really slow. We worked out the date i conceived our son and it was when my partner had missed his tablets for two or three days. I do want to have more children in the future but not right now. And i know its going to be hard to get pregnant again. We were unbelievly happy when we found out we were pregnant, we decided to keep it a secret till the 3 month scan and then by an hour later wed told everyone we could think of lol.
Weve decided to go on holiday next month but im not really excited for it as such. It will be nice to get away for a while but right now i just cant think positive thoughts about anything. Iv had depression in the past and im trying so hard not to fall into this black hole thats trying to swallow me up. I keep trying to be upbeat but i cant.
Thank you so much for your lovely replies, youve all made me feel a bit better. Im sorry so many of us have been through the same thing.
Just remebered, my partner said a lovely thing the other day. Becayse i dont know anyone who had died i dont know anyone who coukd look after my baby wherever his soul went, i got upset at the thiught of him being on his own. My partner had laughed and said " But hes not on his own, hes here with us and he always will be" he also said he likes to think that our son is with other babies that passed away in the same room, so he will have lots if friends still. Daft i kno but uts made me feel a bit better about wherever he has gone
Thankvyou all fir taking the time to reply youve been lovely xxx