Frills I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. What is his name? (if you feel able to share it)
I haven't been in your situation but I lost my little boy when he was 11 weeks old 14 years ago now, and I lost my little girl when she was 2 weeks old 6 years ago.
I hope you don't mind if I tell you about my daughter, I feel that her story may help you realise that what you did for your son was the most selfless and kind thing you could have done for him.
I had no idea anything was wrong with my daughter until the minute she was born, she was whisked off right away, put on a ventilator, and was very, very ill, she lived for 2 weeks before we had to swich all her machines off and let her go, but for the 2 weeks she lived she was in constant pain, she had painful tests and procedures every single day, we couldn't cuddle her, she would lay there unable to cry because of the ventilator, it was devestating to see her like that.
I love my daughter with every fibre of my being, but I can honestly say that if I had found out about her condition when I was pregnant I would have made the same decision as you, if I could have saved her from the pain that she was in and all the suffering she went through it would have been heartbreaking for me, but I would have done the best thing for her, which is what being a Mum is, and thats exactly what you did. In fact this sentence from your posts stood out for me Im his mum, i was meant to protect him you did protect him.
When you lose your child its not really a case of getting through it, because this new path your life has taken will last forever, there will never be a time when you will feel good about what has happened, but there will be a time where you won't have this intense feeling you are experiencing just now. It lasts for as long as it lasts, so for now its going to be a case of getting from minute to minute, then it will be going from hour to hour, and eventually somewhere down the line, you will be able to look forward too the weeks and months ahead, knowing that although you will never forget your son, you can see a future for yourself. It may not seem like it just now but I promise you it will happen, but this journey lasts a lifetime so there is no hurry, it just takes time.
Some gentle advice for you when you feel up to going out and about again is have a short answer prepared for people who don't know you lost your son, one of the hardest things I found was the unexpectedness of people asking about my baby and I would stand there not knowing what to say, so please be aware that some people won't have heard about your son and they will ask you, if you have an answer ready in your head then you are less likely to break down in the middle of the supermarket if someone asks how your pregnancy is going.
The only thing that you and your partner can do to help each other is to keep talking, its all too easy when you have lost your child to not want to 'burden' your partner with your upset because you are worried about upsetting them more, but you need to remember you are sharing the same pain, maybe he feels that he should be protecting you and thats why he isn't talking to you about your son so much?
When you feel up to it there are things like Angel Funds that you can set up in your sons name and donate to charity, or there are online memorial places like Gone Too Soon where you can set up a 'garden' and write to him when you feel like it, some people find these things very helpful, others prefer to grieve in private and that is fine too, there is no 'right' way to grieve.
Once again I am so very, very sorry for your loss xxxx