As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

Mumof2teenboys
I know how u feel i really do, its how i've felt a lot of the time for nearly five years, every morning i wake up and don't want to get out of bed and do another day without my eldest son.

But i do it, for one simple reason, if i gave up my two youngest sons would have to suffer even more. I can't take away the loss of their brother, or their Dad walking away, all i can do is my best however poor that is.

My son who died was a James too, and my middle son is Sam so we've a connection there.

Please just get through today, and try and enjoy some time with your Sam, then when you go bed tonight, you can fall asleep knowing you've made him smile, however briefly. Even just you spending a few minutes with him, with you trying to be you, will mean everything to him. He needs his mum so much.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, its unbearable a lot of the time, sending hugs to mumof2teenboys and everyone else who has lost a child.

xxx

Thank you ladies, for understanding, for not judging, for just being there.

I know that sam needs me, I know that I have to carry on, I do feel that he is getting half a mum, that is such a great way of describing it, white.

Sam has been through more than any 20 year old should have been through. He is functioning, enjoying the small things and trying to live. I am not, that makes me feel even more guilty, he found James and is living. I am not living, just existing. I am letting him down in so many ways. I am an useless person.

MUMOF - I thought I was only half a Mum to my son Danny...I also knew I had to carry on for him. Just thought I would share with you his FBook status today.

'21 years ago today I lost my other half, people might think it's a long time and why do I still go on, for me it feels like yesterday miss u matt x'

He has lovely comments underneath from all the school mates of both his and Matts. I thought I was doing a bad job with him after his brothers died but I was doing OK - just like you and all of us on this thread xxx

Thank you Shabba, I need to hear positive things like that, mainly because I feel so negative and lost right now.

I am trying to do the right things by Sam but feel as though I am failing.

I think the feeling of failure I have to be a good parent to my remaining children stems from the fact I feel such a failure for not protecting my child who has died.

Even though I know it was not a failing of mine that he died. DOH

To you all who are grieving my love goes out to you all
Sleep peacefully you LO's know they are loved so much.

Morning girls xx

Hello x

Am nursing the hangover from hell!!

Hi ladies xx

Sending Shabs 2 litres of water (which she should have started last night) and lots of love and hope she is feeling a bit better now cos 'She is the best' xxx

PS if she feels better would she like to join me in a very large glass of delicious red wine (my dh is a bit of a wine buff and we 'Never have bad wine') xxx

oh i'll join you too

...... thats what my face looks like LOL

There is grave danger that I may never drink again.....until NEXT time!!

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Hope you feel better today Shabs xx

Slightly Lavandes

morning guys

Good morning ladies.
I am sorry for intruding on your special thread and apologise if you feel it is inappropriate.

I just wanted to say that in a few days, I'm flying to Peru in order to trek Machu Picchu, the inca trail. I am fundraising for NDCS and SANDS, in memory of Benedict, the darling son of MrsY who was born sleeping in April last year.
I know that you have all suffered the most tragic loss of all and I believe that others of you have experienced the terrible loss through stillbirth.

I would like you to know that when I reach the summit, I will be lighting a candle in memory of Benedict and all of your children xxx

What an amazing thing to do!! Thank you for thinking about 'our' children - it means a lot. I hope you raise a lot of money for such deserving causes. My candle will be lit here to wish you good luck....and thank you once again xxx

MOS, that is wonderful of you! And thanks for thinking of all our children xx

Morning girls xx

I need your advice lovely ladies.

I think that I need to see the GP, I'm not coping anymore, I don't want to live but know that suicide isn't an option so I'm stuck with living.

Do I need AD's or counselling or both? How do I start the conversation with the GP? I know that I will just start to cry the minute I sit down.

Will he tell me to pull myself together? Is that exactly what I do need to do?

Sorry but I can't do this anymore, I'm so tired of trying to pretend that I am coping, I'm not coping at all.

mum of twoteenboys, i think seeing your gp sounds like a good idea

hopefully they willl be very understanding

sounds liek some counselling may help, i guess counsellling is one of those thigns were you get good counsellors and not so good, so do you know anyone that sees one that they could reccomend?

do you have anyone that you can talk to?
i do find talking to a couple of mums ive meet in rl through sands helps me a lot, just to chat someone else who gets it
im not sure what support groups etc are out there for people that lose an older child, perhaps someone else on here can advise on that

but i think talking to your gp sounds like a really good start
i'm guessing they might do some sort of test, you know they type where they simply ask questions then it gives them an idea if you may be depressed, have you looked at any online guides?

i think its very very hard to tell when a parents grief, is grief or when it starts becoming depression

xxxx

GP right away, asap. If I go I write down how I feel and any symptoms. You could do with printing off this thread and just handing it to your GP. I am so proud of you that you just posted.....I was one of those 'I'm fine thanks, how are you?' after I lost my boys - THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO.....and here we are 31 and 21 years down the line with me feeling like I haven't even started grieving myself yet.

Gradually this grief does 'soften around the edges' - but it never fully goes away. Now our family talk about my lads and laugh and remember funny things they both did - but it has taken so many years to get here.

My personal advice would be - make an appointment, tell GP the truth of how you feel, print one of our threads out if you want to AND if you cry...so what? Cry, scream, shout - whatever you need to do but please dont say my favourite words 'I AM FINE REALLY JUST A BIT FED UP' please dont xxxx

Now you have made me cry again, that is exactly what I do. I tell people that 'I'm getting there'

I'm not though, I'm still raw and it hurts so so much. I miss him all the time, I think about him all the time. I have this enormous James shaped hole in my heart and it hurts.

Thank you ladies, I knew that I needed to go to the GP but you have made me feel better about going iyswim.

That's how I feel a lot of the time, mumof but it has eased a bit of late. I find that I am, slowly looking forward to things again when they seemed pointless before. But do see your GP if you need help. I never did and sometimes I wonder now, if I was just making things more difficult for myself.