As we go through this painful journey together

[lavandes]

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

white I know what you mean. Sometimes, it seems that there is nothing more to say, no better way to convey your grief that how you have already said it. BUT... if that's how you feel, say it!! We are always here to celebrate our beautiful, wonderful, amazing children. As lavandes said as she started this new thread

rainbowfeet remembering Lucy with you today. xx

Mias mummy, your right, thanks for giving me the benefit of your wisdom.
Just get so tired of this treading water feeling. But guess i must be managing ti stay afloat somehow x

The missing her, just utterly yearning for her, and her not being here. And not growing up.

I know that only the mums on this thread will understand this. On May 10th it will be 21 years since my DS3 Matt was killed. Over the last few nights I have had a recurring nightmare. All I can see is Matts hands - he had beautiful long fingers and slim hands.

He keeps saying 'Grandad is coming home on my remember day.'

Please believe me when I say I dont want my beloved Dad to linger in pain - I want him AND my Mum to pass together. That would be my greatest wish come true. Am I more crazy than I thought I was - is this going to happen? I dont know. I feel mentally very poorly but I know I can come 'through all this sadness'

Just smile and nod at me my friends....feel beyond tired, so sad and unable to function properly - but keep pinning my smile on and saying to people 'I'm fine thanks.....how are you.'

(((expat))) that longing is so strong, it just aches all over...

shabba not sure what to say about your dreams, except I know that you have had many signs from Matty and Gareth before. I could say that it is your overwrought, tired sub-conscious wanting no more pain for your wonderful father - but maybe it isn't. You do sound bone-weary, lovely.

Morning girls xx

Just re-read my message from last night and I think there is a distinct possibility I am going more mad than I have been before!!! xxx

Morning shabba. Madness, sadness - all part of the same journey sometimes. I have no words of wisdom, except maybe to say to reach out for Matt's hands & let him help you through these next few days. You will find the strength from somewhere, but it might be a different type of strength you need; it's ok not to cope for a while with the rest of the world.
Hope that makes some sort of sense - please ignore if it's drivel.

Thank you - not drivel at all. xx

Hi ladies xx

OK had a nice day went to Truro for a little shopping, came back, walked into town had nice lunch walked home, chilled out in afternoon, cooked nice meal, watched 'the voice' while eating, THEN some random contestant comes on and sings Pink Floyd 'Wish You Where Here' which was our Richard's funeral song. Well I crumbled. BUT when it had finished I was sort of ok. I think I may be healing. xx

Sending lots of love to you and yours Shabs xxx

Not at all drivel or madness, shabs. Here with you. When he goes, he goes. You know how it is, none of us controls anything. We can dream, nightmare, wish, whatever, it doesn't make any difference, we all know that.

Morning girls xx

Wide awake......so wide awake that its ridiculous.

Feel very odd!! exhausted but not tired, happy AND very sad.....not been drinking by the way!! Feel like the world is spinning very fast and I want to get off!!!

Watched 'Dirty Dancing' on tv tonight for about the 100th time...and sobbed big salty, snotty tears when he 'came back for Baby and danced with her???????????' What the hell is all that about??

Mind you, loads going on, my parents being ill, Tom leaves school in 18 days!!! Then he goes back to begin the 20 plus different GCSE exams. He has his Prom (bloody Americans - what happened to end of school disco?) on the 24th - got to buy suit, shoes and sort out soddin' transport - we are NOT doing the limosene thing - even if he shares - cant afford it. On the 10th it will be Matts 21st remember (anniversary) day....too much to keep in my head I reckon!!

Rang Mum today (last saw her about 2 days ago) she said 'Oh hello Shabba, not seen you or talked to you for so many years????? - just went along with the conversation!!

Oh shabs, you are not going mad, you have a hell of a lot to deal with at the moment.
I do think Mattie might be talking to you but the trouble is that the dead are all spirit and we are mostly physical so it's like trying to talk to someone who speaks a different language. I am in a hotel in Los Angeles at the moment. This morning I rang down for a taxi. The guy thought I wanted coffee and put me on to room service. Clash of accents!
Matt might be talking to you about your Dad but who knows what he's trying to say? Don't assume the worst.xx

Thanks Chip xx Im not assuming the worst love.....I know this is going to sound horrible but I dont want my parents to suffer anymore and IF I believed in God I would be praying for their 'early release' from their failing minds and bodies. I am thinking too much into these daft dreams....I know I am. Its my own mind playing a sick joke on my heart and emotions.

If they had said, when Dad got his diagnosis, that they could do chemo or operate I wouldn't be feeling this way - I would be hopeful and optimistic. I know that my Dad is petrified - his eyes show that emotion. It is almost unbearable. xx

Morning girls xx

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies x

Have read this thread with such sadness. May I please add my sorrow.
I have adopted 8 beautiful children. Two came with limited life expectancy and one caught us out.
Jonathan 15.06.83-24.10.84 Our lovely blue eyed boy
April 30.04.91-14.02.92 Our beautiful treasure
Stefen 13.06.90-08.07.03 Our beautiful mischievious boy.
I loved you all so much and I would rather have the sadness than have never had known you at all my beautiful children.
Thankyou anyone for listening

hi everyone

welcome 2old sorry your here in this club, the club noone wants to join.
you sound an incredible person

lavandes, oh whe i was wacthign the voice, the same night, someone sang the oasis stop crying your heart out, that really got to me

Hold up

Hold on
Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone[so so true]

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared) [please don't be scared]
Your destiny may keep you warm[please]

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day[hope this is true]
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out[pretty impoosible really]]

music really really makes the act impossible to keep up, the tears just flow

i was reading something gloria hunniford said, something along the lines of, its only when you accept you will never really be healed, that the real healing can begin

i think theres alot of truth in that

shabbs, your doing really well you know, you may feel like your not, be you are.

Morning girls xx

Welcome 2. Glad you found us but sorry you had to. xxx

hello 2, I hope that this thread is also a place you feel you can share the joy of your children too. What a difficult journey you are on, but you obviously have so much love for all your children.

I also see that we share a sad anniversary - my Mia left us on 24th October 2011, the same day as your Jonathan. Such a bond to have...

Expat, nice to see.you posting on here again,.been thinking of you a lot

Thankyou MiaAlexandrasmummy As time goes by the pain is still there but in the end I suppose you accept it and then embrace it as it the only tangible thing we have.......If the pain goes what have we got left.
I shall think of you and your beautiful red head Mia too on the 24th
October
X

the perfect song