Jesse aged 9 weeks - any advice, i've not spoken to another bereaved mum

[JellyNump]

Sorry this probably going to be really long. Last year we lost our 9 week old son, Jesse, really unexpectedly. We were visiting my inlaws in Sussex and out visiting friends when he started screaming, at first we thought maybe colic, but the screaming got worse so we took him to the hospital. They thought it may also be very bad colic bit referred us to Brighton for a 2nd opinion. As soon as he was examined they said he had a hernia and had to go to theatre straight away. As soon as they mentioned theatre I had a really strong feeling something would go wrong. I took him to the door of the theatre, kissed him, told him I'd see him later and handed him to the doctor. After a few hours (op should have taken an hour at most) they said they were having trouble bringing him round and had to ventilate him. It seemed like ages and they wanted to transfer him to Guys in London, but he never recovered enough and they had to stop trying to resucitate him because his lungs had gone stiff and they couldn't get any air to go into them. He was 9 weeks old. We'd had a really complicated pregnancy. He had been a twin, which we'd lost, I'd had chronic morning sickness due to abnormally high HCG hormone levels and we were told we were high risk for Downs syndrome and spina bifida. When he was born healthy, I thought he'd be safer out than in but at 2 weeks he needed an op for pyloric stenosis. He was finally allowed home at 4 weeks old and we started to relax and enjoy having him. We had an inquest after his death and were told they think he died from Intrapulmonary Shunting, where a shock caused his lungs to shut down. I'm sorry this is so long but i've never spoken to another mum who's lost a child. I just had some questions about things, I wondered if anyone can help? :(

[JellyNump]

Manoo - I find it 'soothing' in a way too. Its the last pictures we have of him and the last time we saw him, my dh doesn't like to look at them because he doesn't want to remember him like that and although, I do look at them, I don't remember him like that, I know your situation is different, I'm sorry you never got to know your ds.

[JellyNump]

Its the anniversary of Jesse's death on Sunday. It feels funny to think a year ago we were unaware that we had only a couple of days left with him. I can't believe a whole year has gone by without him and that we've been so busy with having dd1 in the meantime. Its starting to feel a bit like he was a dream and i'm feeling a bit guilty because he was a real person and I should keep him that way

[mummydany]

My dear JN,
I'm there for u all the time u know that... I'm glad that here are people,who can help,I wish I could have done more for u and still could do more for u... I feel guilty that I was not there enough when it all happend... I want to say I know how u feel, but of course I can't but since I have Elisa I can imagin more what you must have gone and still going threw . I hope that mum's here can help u, and u know I'm always there for u no matter what time of the day. I'm still so so sorry that this all happend, but I'm sure that Jesse is looking after his little sister from heaven. He would love her!! Again I'm sorry I was not there enough for u when it happend and I hope that I can still help u if u need someone. Big Kiss and Hug xxxxxxx