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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Jesse aged 9 weeks - any advice, i've not spoken to another bereaved mum

53 replies

JellyNump · 17/04/2006 18:02

Sorry this probably going to be really long. Last year we lost our 9 week old son, Jesse, really unexpectedly. We were visiting my inlaws in Sussex and out visiting friends when he started screaming, at first we thought maybe colic, but the screaming got worse so we took him to the hospital. They thought it may also be very bad colic bit referred us to Brighton for a 2nd opinion. As soon as he was examined they said he had a hernia and had to go to theatre straight away. As soon as they mentioned theatre I had a really strong feeling something would go wrong. I took him to the door of the theatre, kissed him, told him I'd see him later and handed him to the doctor. After a few hours (op should have taken an hour at most) they said they were having trouble bringing him round and had to ventilate him. It seemed like ages and they wanted to transfer him to Guys in London, but he never recovered enough and they had to stop trying to resucitate him because his lungs had gone stiff and they couldn't get any air to go into them. He was 9 weeks old. We'd had a really complicated pregnancy. He had been a twin, which we'd lost, I'd had chronic morning sickness due to abnormally high HCG hormone levels and we were told we were high risk for Downs syndrome and spina bifida. When he was born healthy, I thought he'd be safer out than in but at 2 weeks he needed an op for pyloric stenosis. He was finally allowed home at 4 weeks old and we started to relax and enjoy having him. We had an inquest after his death and were told they think he died from Intrapulmonary Shunting, where a shock caused his lungs to shut down. I'm sorry this is so long but i've never spoken to another mum who's lost a child. I just had some questions about things, I wondered if anyone can help? :(

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mummydany · 18/09/2006 19:48

My dear JN,
I'm there for u all the time u know that... I'm glad that here are people,who can help,I wish I could have done more for u and still could do more for u... I feel guilty that I was not there enough when it all happend... I want to say I know how u feel, but of course I can't but since I have Elisa I can imagin more what you must have gone and still going threw . I hope that mum's here can help u, and u know I'm always there for u no matter what time of the day. I'm still so so sorry that this all happend, but I'm sure that Jesse is looking after his little sister from heaven. He would love her!! Again I'm sorry I was not there enough for u when it happend and I hope that I can still help u if u need someone. Big Kiss and Hug xxxxxxx

JellyNump · 26/05/2006 17:17

Its the anniversary of Jesse's death on Sunday. It feels funny to think a year ago we were unaware that we had only a couple of days left with him. I can't believe a whole year has gone by without him and that we've been so busy with having dd1 in the meantime. Its starting to feel a bit like he was a dream and i'm feeling a bit guilty because he was a real person and I should keep him that way

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JellyNump · 09/05/2006 19:03

Manoo - I find it 'soothing' in a way too. Its the last pictures we have of him and the last time we saw him, my dh doesn't like to look at them because he doesn't want to remember him like that and although, I do look at them, I don't remember him like that, I know your situation is different, I'm sorry you never got to know your ds.

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jaamy · 03/05/2006 22:54

So sorry to read about your lovely little man, Jesse, Jelly. You had a very precious 9 weeks and I hope that you find your plant that will remind you of that precious time.
Take care of you and your new little girl.

Manoo · 02/05/2006 16:50

Hi, I'm so sorry you lost your lovely little boy, Jesse (it is a really lovely name). I recently lost a baby at 17 weeks (a little boy, Ivo)and I like to look at the photos often. Even though they are quite shocking initially (I took them myself right after he was born, so he is quite bloody), I always find it soothing somehow.. very different in your situation I would imagine though, because as you say, the photos don't show Jesse's spark - the soul and life and breath that made him him. Much love and luck to you and anyone else who has had to go through the sadness of losing a little one.

Marina · 02/05/2006 11:08

Jellynump, re: Jesse's Jewels, ring \link{http://www.uk-sands.org\SANDS HQ} and ask them for the contact details of the lovely bereaved dad, featured in their last newsletter, who specialises in tracing and supplying plants with personal names. I'm so sorry, I'd check myself, but I have a good weep over my SANDS Newsletter and then recycle it, as I find it hard to keep them around :(
Thinking of you, and everyone else on here. XXX
Our tree for Tom is thick with blossom at the mo and we are about to plant a little lavender hedge round it. Having something living that is a gentle, positive addition to our garden and our family life is a good way for us all to remember Tom, we find.

me23 · 02/05/2006 10:56

I'm sorry no advice just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

JellyNump · 02/05/2006 10:46

I did look on a website after he died at roses to see if any were called Jesse or Jesse James etc, I did find one called Jesse's Jewels but I haven't seen it in any garden centres, does anyone know about roses? I'd love to plant one for him.

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bramblina · 01/05/2006 23:35

Ditto everyone else, jelly, so sorry for you losing your little angel. Bump for you too.

milward · 01/05/2006 23:08

Thoughts for you Jellynump xxx

swedishmum · 01/05/2006 23:01

Hi Jelly
On Still nice for dd's twin.e year MIL bought a rose named Octavia for us (dd's name) and planted it, another year she had a star named after the baby. It was really nice for the first few years when we needed it.

Jackstini · 01/05/2006 14:26

Just wanted to bump for you Jelly.
(Know there are lots of mums on here that can help but may be doing bank hol stuff)

Jackstini · 30/04/2006 18:00

Jelly - have read on another thread that some mums plant something special to remind them of their lost babies, usually something that blooms around the same time they were born.
You may feel it is more of a celebration of his little life if you mark his birth, rather than his death but the important thing is you do what feels right to you.

JellyNump · 30/04/2006 17:40

does anyone mark the anniversary of their babies death in anyway? its coming up to a year after Jesse died and i feel i should maybe mark it in a way but im not sure whether to or not and what to do?

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JellyNump · 25/04/2006 19:24

Mummia - yes it does help to talk, keeps his memory a bit 'fresher'

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Mummia · 23/04/2006 00:14

Bumping for you perhaps try to bump again after the weekend to see if anyone with more advice is around.

Mummia · 21/04/2006 00:48

JellyNump so sorry for your loss, Havn't really got any good advice to offer I'm afraid, but there are other Mumsnetters in a similar position who will be along some time soon. I'm glad you had your nine wonderful weeks with Jesse, from what others say it helps to talk about him so please feel free to do so, there are also others on here who say it takes a long time but things do eventually ease as time goes by. As others have said Bonnie is still so young so go easy on yourself.

desperatehousewife · 20/04/2006 16:53

i have 2 photos of my stillborn son which i looked at 3 times soon after he died. They actually haunted me and made me feel sick. Because he was so small he doesn't look like a baby should look in my mind - more of an alien to me. I don't think i'll look at the photos again for a very very long time, if ever.

JellyNump · 19/04/2006 23:54

Mum said that if she had the choice to go back in time and choose that I didn't ever have Jesse, so we never had to go thru that pain or to go thru it all again, she said she'd go thru it all again (which I agreed with) because although it was only for 9 weeks, they were the best 9 weeks of her life because he was such a little character :)

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Clary · 19/04/2006 23:50

Jellynump, (and too)

JellyNump · 19/04/2006 23:46

Clary - Thankyou. Jesse is Jesse James Andrew and Bonnie is Bonnie Grace Lois. You are lucky but I am lucky too that I had 9 precious weeks with my Jesse, I wouldn't have missed that for the world

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JellyNump · 19/04/2006 23:45

Clary - Thankyou. Jesse is Jesse James Andrew and Bonnie is Bonnie Grace Lois. You are lucky but I am lucky too that I had 9 precious weeks with my Jesse

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swedishmum · 19/04/2006 23:45

Feeling sad and happy is so hard - guilt at enjoying the baby you have with you right now. I felt like I needed someone to tell me it was fine to be happy - it didn't mean I loved Octavia any less. Looking back (good old hindsight) I'm really glad I managed to enjoy the others as babies - otherwise I'd probably feel guilty yet again. It wasn't their fault their sister died (she had a heart defect) and now they are proud of the fact of her rather than resenting the fact of her.
Probably sounds a load of old waffle to everyone else.

Clary · 19/04/2006 23:43

PS I love your children's names.

Clary · 19/04/2006 23:40

JN I am so sorry to read your story.
Marina is very eloquent and clever and talks a lot of sense as ever, as do others here.
I have no experience to offer you but I wanted to say how sad your post made me feel (and how lucky I am).
claryxx

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