Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

[mummylin2495]

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

You poor thing, ssd - it's even worse when it's family treating you badly.
A good friend who lost her second son to a stillbirth put it well: she said that first you get the 'grief tourists' you barely know, then you notice all the people who start avoiding you, and then the real friends come out of the woodwork.
I'm sure stage 3 will start soon..
Even my Dad's avoiding me these days! It's very strange; I think he has lots of people swarming around him so likes having space when he can get it; where I'm feeling a bit lost and need company all the time. Will be glad when DD is over her virus and I can get out and about.

I could cope with friends no knowing what to say so saying nothing...but close family being hopeless is something else, its as if because my mum was old its fine for her to die, I know they would be amazed to know how upset I've been

just pray for karma to come true

thanks for all the support I get on here BTW, its really appreciated xxx

Hi everyone!

Well not doing too bad, but trying hard to not think too much as the tears can flow so free at the moment as im finding it a lot harder.

Kids are off so im not on my own where i find i think a lot more, so they are keeping me busy but then the oldest keeps mentioning about April and oh whats it going to be like, being all sarcastic! She is lucky i carried on with easter!!!! I got them eggs, i done crafty stuff still with them, through the hardest horrendous time of my life! She has apologised to me for saying about last April, but what the hell could i do, i got through that time the easiest i could and actually shocked how I kept what I could away, although i cried, cant be helped. She is going through the good ol PMT! My god, i must have been a night mare! She is an amazing girl though and i know she cant help it but my god some days!!! Has anyone else got a tween going through the loss of their grandparent?

I wish she would talk to me i dont know how shes doing in relation to my mum, she wont talk about her, am i doing the right thing not talking to her and bringing things up she has said not too - literally "im not talking"

my brother is exactly like her too!!! He wont even join in with conversation now, where before he would, its all so very hard, im glad ive chose to keep a distance with him anyway because of him just being him! lol.

Mothers day I will be making a card for her and having a cup cake, lighting a candle. Chokes me to even think about it

btw im a big believer in Karma! There was a realy nasty evil girl at my last work, she just made things awkward for me, but she was plain evil about people, a cat they found in a house she was speaking like oh leave it there and cracking loads of jokes, she is calous cold, evil bitch! I was pretty sarcastic with her and gave as good as i can get.

Well apparently after I left, she was signed off ill - couldnt have happened to a better person!!! KARMA!

Hope everyone is going along as good as can be xx

Hi everyone, just to say thank you so much for giving me a place to put my thoughts down and for all your support. Hope you're all doing OK this morning.

I had the shock of my life yesterday which really makes me think that my mum is chortling at me from somewhere: seems DC2 is on their way! I had been feeling groggy for a few days but put it down to not sleeping or eating properly for the last month or two.. when I could smell salad dressing I started to have my suspicions. Confirmed yesterday evening and seeing the doctor next week.

In a sense I'm so sad that mum never knew about it and it will be very hard not having her around during the pregnancy and (please God) when DC2 arrives; I don't know if Dad will be pleased or if it will be too much for him.. it's hard to tell.
The thing I can't get out of my mind though is that I got pregnant with DD when the family were dealing with the aftermath of my gran's death (it was very unexpected!): there had been a lot of arguments and there were a few people who were barely on speaking terms. DD brought everyone back together again and gave them something to focus on. I can't help thinking this little one might do the same.. just wasn't thinking they would make themselves known quite so soon!

t875, it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing by your daughter: she knows you're there for her and I suspect she'll talk about it when she feels ready to. Must be incredibly hard for you though: I find it hard enough dealing with a two year old that gets whiny!

wow vlad, congrats to you!! that really gives you something to focus on....hope the doc visit next week goes well.

t875, my 2 dont really talk about my mum, I dont know if its cos they're boys or what, but I leave them and just talk about her sometimes, out of the blue, I dont ask them too many questions, I just sort of leave them to it. I think you just do whats right for you, you'll know when your dd wants to talk, or not. Its a part of it people cant guess at until its their turn.

hi to everyone else here xxx

Wow vlad what happy news, congratulation and hope all goes well.i think your thinking is lovely that a baby will bring you all together and give you a happy focus. Im sure she would be smiling down on you and yours.

My ds is 5 and he often talks about his nanna, he has been quite cross lately and has said some things that have totally blindsided me as he clearly understands more than i thought but we are doing our best to keep her memory alive in positive ways for him. Its very hard though i cant answer the questions he has.

Inquest today, am taking ds to the cinema and keeping busy. seems silly to be upset about it when i already know whats bein said and that it wont make a shadow of a difference. weird eh x

Thanks everyone! Yeah Its hard, before I wasnt too worried but now im not sure and your right, you wonder whether its the right thing to do but I cant force her to talk about her, the 8 year old is a lot more in tune, she says off her own back she is around me or if I have a bad day she will say she is with you always which is nice. But I think she is more in tune because she took our beloved dogs passing very hard and she believed he was still sitting on her bed with her bless her, we had him 14 years. Still miss him loads!

I think good ol hormones contribute well though to her mood swings!! Are boys as bad?? Ive got the youngest coming up to this is a year too, oooh the joys!! lol

snowflake - Hope today goes the best it can for you, thinking of you x
Ssd - will pm, thanks for the support in realtion to dd x
vlad - congrats to you!! Hope things go along well, let us know how your apt goes. Im sure your mum will be with you guiding you and helping along that road all the way, but I can imagine a mixture of emotions. x

ooh the mothers day stuff crept up on me but its a good job the kids were with me so it gave me a positive scope on it all, i didnt want them to see me upset, especially after older dd saying about April will be the worst, but im sure if id been on my own it would have been a lot harder. I saw something lovely a heart with words which im going to buy for my mum and put on her shelf.

Hope everyone is going along not too bad xx

Firstly many congrats to vladon the news of your pregnancy,how lovely to have such a wonderful event to look forward to.they do say as one person leaves this life another one arrives so I guess you can look on the new baby as a gift from your mum,although its sad she wont be here to see it.My sister had twins 3 and 1/2 months after our mum died ,which we found very hard to deal with ,mum was so excited as we had never had twins in our family before.
snowflakes .,hope you are dealing with today ok, and that your visit to the cinema helps to keep your mind occupied
t875 teens can be very difficult cant they.I guess your dd will speak to you about the situation when she feels ready to.For some its too painful to bring up and it may be that she thinks she will upset you further by talking about it.
ssd Hope you are ok today and coping. x

hi and thanks to all

Feel really low today. A man at work helped me out by fixing a light on my car, and its left my heart aching. I absolutely yearn for a father figure to help us out, we have no one. My dad died when ds1 was a baby and he never met ds2. My mum has been elderly for years and I've been like her mum for about 8 years, the tables turned well before she died.
I Just want a mum or dad to look after me a bit. I don't expect someone to do it all for me, but just someone to help out now and then or to take an interest in the kids. To me that's what grandparents are all about and I haven't had this since ds1 was 5, nearly ten years ago now. I'm grieving for that too, for the loss of a mum or dad who was active in my life and a part of it. I hear of my sister running after my niece and her baby, see my friends and cousins with their mums walking around the shops and having coffees, see neighbours older than me with their mums and dad popping round.

My mum wasn't able to do that with me for the last 8 years and I grieved for the mum she was, whilst she was still here. Its like remembering 2 separate mums.

Its just not fair.

Sorry, just had to get that down.

I though when mum died I'd just be sad for her, but its been missing a whole lot more than that. Its like missing a whole different life and knowing I'll never be someones daughter again. Also knowing I'm on my own know, my siblings are so distant to me and really aren't like a relation to me, it felt so weird when they all turned up for mums funeral, it made me mad..where were they all those years mum lived alone and it was just me visiting her. I always knew when she died they'd all come rushing up, crying and bringing flowers....too late, all too late.

I know I've got dh and the boys but god I just feel so alone in the world now and it really scares me, just feel really vulnerable and isolated and alone.

ssd at least you know that you did your utmost to help your mum while she was alive and have no guilt.i wonder if the same can be said of your siblings.They surely all know that they didn't.Comfort yourself with that thought.You cared enough to help her.

ssd - I can sympathise with how you feel. I have lost both my parents in the last few years, my mum when DD was 10 months old in 2008, my dad when DS was 4 months old in 2010.

Sometimes the most difficult thing is that there is no one to pick up the phone to to talk about random not very important stuff. There is no one who has to be pleased to hear from me. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people to talk to who I love, but none of them have to love me or will be pleased to hear from me in the way a parent is with a child.

mummylin, thanks, you're right

latrucha, that's true, I know there's no one who'll give me their first chip now

xx

LaTrucha, exactly! It's weird: Dad and I are pretty close but I can't pick up the phone and gas about random things. There isn't anyone I can share trivial gossip with: extended family too far away and Dad disapproves of gossip (Mum really didn't!)

ssd, I can't put it better than mummylin. Hugs to you..

yesterday passed pretty quickly, was so busy that I crashed out by half nine. had a horrible dream though. things at home are pretty rough now wish I could disappear to mums for a bru and a Butty. I miss having someone to chat with so much.

Oh snowflakes I really feel for you as if grieving isn't enough to cope with yet alone anything else.is there anything we can help you with ?
I saw the mum of our friend who we have been told has died yesterday ,I was on the phone and I saw her go past with her dog.Im am unsure what to do.I really want to send her a card and write her a little note as she did for me when my mum died,but on the other hand I don't want to do that until we have been told its 100% true.We last heard from him about 3 months ago when he phoned to speak to dh about dh being his mentor for some electrical course he was doing.He needed someone that would let him shadow them for a couple of weeks.Dh said he would do this for him and arranged a day for him to start ,but he never phoned back.I obviously don't want to ignore this if its true,but don't want to make a massive clanger either.maybe I will just keep watch for her to go past here again and then I will surely find out.Its so difficult.

I mostly do okay just have totally miserable days like today. i dont really like where i live and we are having lots of problems round here. unfortunatly moving not an option so just trying to make it as nice as i can

Ssd - big hugs to you, so sorry your having a tough time. I'm with mummylin you done so much for your mum and I'm sure she is eternally grateful what you gave to her with your time. It will hit your siblings I'm sure of it.
We are here for you and I'm here anytime on pm.

Snowflake - what a time you are going through likd mummylin said its very hard with grief let alone other worries. Can you do anything to move? Would u be able to rent? Hope things get better there for you.

i think it would of meant the world to your mum that you were with her, and she would know what it took to do that emotionally. you knpow you did right by her so you hold your head high. i felt the same when our great aunt thanked our aunty (mums sister) after the funeral and said she "didnt know what we would of done without her" i literally fumed suprised you couldnt see the smoke. we would do what we had been doing for years and coped!

i already rent, its on the edge of a busy housing estate- social housing. i hate it. full of trouble makers as ive recently found out who report you for anything even if its not true. i have a neighbour who constantly stands and stares into the house so ive had to double layer my nets so she cant. having loads of grief round here and just wish we could get away but funds dont allow at the minute

Oh sorry to hear this snowflakes, i would have venetian blinds over the nets too. Bless you, I hope things can work out for you there.

Hello again, sorry got side tracked with the kids fighting..
They actually have been pretty good though this week after a shakey start, lol!

Dont forget CRUSE are there they really have helped me, there was so much i literally I could say as I was guarded to be able to talk to hubby and also my dad and especially my brother. My lady is amazing, i also called the generic help line for cruse at the beginning and they really helped to talk too.
But we are all different , but just looking out for you all. I was a mess when I went to cruse in October, im at 10 months now but when I went in October I was a 8 to the scale of 10 being really bad, i was really panicky, confused, overwhelmingly sad, angry, denial everything.
now when i go there I am not as bad, i am more a 5, although I do have some very bad days\times especially at the moment leading up to her anniversary.
xx

evening :)

hope it will get better, can only wait and see. i usually get by okay but very angry this week fed up of things being tough and would welcome a quiet life. very bad day with the children today so hoping tomorrow is a new and cheerier day!

cruse sound good, cant bring myself to talk to them at the minute though. dont know why just muddled. i am a muddler! should talk to folk more often then i might feel better.

Oh snowflake, big ol hug to you and i need one too so ill have one with you!! Hope tomorrow is better for you!! xx

I thought cruse were going to yank all the feelings and I was going to cry bucket loads, well i did anyway, i think i got through a fair amount of their tissues! I also went in confused why i was there, didn't know what to say, but when they start with you it flows easy, i really cant reccomend it enough, but hey if you dont feel you are ready for them, we are here for you to chat too. x

I think I might try cruse sometime soon, I feel I have a lot of anger and resentment surrounding my mum and my siblings, although mum dying didnt start it, I've felt like that for years and years.

am a bit muddled myself snowflake!

thanks t875, I always know you're there

xx

Mummylin- I would do as you said and leave your friends mum for now as u are unsure. How horrible about your dh friend.
Meant to say hi to latrucha too. So very sorry to hear of your loss. We're here anytime you want a chat xx