Friend killed himself last week.....................................................!

[jmg1]

I did not want to post about it but I have no one to talk to and I feel terrible.

beetroot and www are right jmg, you really mustn't feel guilty about this, there is nothing you could have done.

I am trying not to talk to people in rl about these things anymore.
My neighbours in surrey told me I was pushing people away by doing so and I can understand that. Why should people with their own problems have to listen.

Don't feel guilty - you had enough of your own problems to deal with.

...and anyway, even if had talked to him recently, it wouldn't have chnged anything - if he had decided he was going to kill himslef, it was a decsion he had already made that you being "closer" would not have changed.

You can feel sorry that you hadn't talked to him more recently, but please, don't feel guilty.

Things much have been much more wrong in the marriage and/or in himself than just an affair - otherwise there would be many more suicides! (sorry - not meaning to be flippant, but you get what I mean)

The other Dad you were talking to may have been embarrassed and not really known how to react (most men are like that - not many have gone through what you have). He may, in a cack handed way, have been trying to reassure you that he was OK, or just trying to say he was grateful for what he has got at the moment.

For example - our frined's suicide put my (early) miscarriage into perspective - as well as some of the other (family) problems that we were going through at the time. That's not to say that the pain went away - but that we knew we could get through it.

jmg, we haven't spoken before, and I don't know your history, but I wanted to send sympathy and ((hugs))

We have had a similar situation in our family and it leaves you feeling all sorts of emotions that at this sad time you aren't really equipped to deal with.

It sounds like such a cliche and I almost hate to say it but given time you'll feel better. I have found that I have never really got over the shock and sadness but I have learned to live with it and it does not affect my day to day life.

It is only natural that you will feel the way you do at the moment but given time I hope you will find peace.

It's great that you can express yourself on here and I really hope that it helps.

Jmg, rl is that people talk about these things sometimes you know, it's ok to do so I think. I talk about my dad dying, it's part of me and how I feel and while I wouldn't go on and on and on and not talk abut anything else my friends accept that it's going to be mentioned sometimes. Is it a bloke thing do you think? I do think it must be hard to be a bloke if you are the kind that doesn't talk about feelings, in my book bottling things up isn't a good thing.

Isnt there one good friend that you could talk to? Even if its over the phone. I went out with a group of girls the other night and we touched briefly on fils death, dhs family problems etc but I moved the conversation on and spoke in more depth later to one friend when we were alone. I think it's important to speak about things, you just dont have to talk to everyone about it, if you dont want to or feel you cant.

sad but true jmg1, peopel find it hard to talk about depressing stuff all the time. Thank god you can come on to MN and do that.

I agree about the affair not being the only issue. Millions of people have affairs and if the other partner always killed themselves, iamgine how many suicides there would be everyday.

I think that's a very good perspective jmg.

I'm very sorry you have had this news crash down on you, and can completely understand that it unleashes your own experiences. But as others have said, this is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Deal with the way it is raking up your own memories, but try not to ADD to your burdrn, iyswim.

This poor man, (and his poor poor children) mkust have been beyond any rational response to anyhting - and I do suspect that people who really dfo go ahead and commit suicide always were, one way or another, and nothing anyone else could do would stop them.

My brothers much loved best friend took his own life, and my brother had a long time of 'if only I'd....', but the answer was always 'he would have delayed it until the next time you were not with him'.

So sorry, jmg. Keep talking about it in MN.

You do have friends here - and I know you have met and/or e-mailed a few of us.

Many people find tragdy difficult to deal with, and you have had more that your fair share.

So yes, you will find it difficult to find and make the sort of true friends that will be able to cope.

But - and here come the lecture - you will find it diffuclt, if not impossible, to ever find or keep or rtain those frineds if you have an attitude of never letting anyone close again.

You have to give as well as receive in order to make true friendships work - and that does mean letting people "in" to you.

Here endeth the lecture

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Jmg cat me if you would like to sound off.

I feel empty inside.
I have nothing to give to anyone, other than my kids and I am happy to accept that it is the easy way.

That isn't true and I'm sure that deep down you know it.

This news has just set you back a bit. Please try, as the others have said, to distance yourself from it the best you can.

jmg you have had a terrible shock and it is all so close to home. It's doubley hard when you are out of the country as you are out of the loop.

jmg1 - my dh's cousin killed herself at the age of 21. Her mother had died years ago from leukemia and her father had to bring the children up, all 7 of them. They used to play with dh and his siblings a lot and his parents would help look after them. This girl suffered a lot from depression and had threatened suicide on a number of occasions. Dh got quite close to her, they were more like best friends. Then when she did finally commit suicide, she locked herself in her aunt's bathroom and swallowed a load of pills. The ambulance was called whilst she was still conscious, but she refused to unlock the door and they said they couldn't break it down. They had to wait until she slipped into unconciousness before they could break down the door, but by then it was too late.

This left a huge mark on dh. It is the only thing I have ever seen him cry about.

I don't know what to say to you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

As Aimsmum says, do distance yourself from it the best you can. Allow yourself to grieve for your friend - it is right that you are sad. Remember the good (there must have been some!) times you shared and be thankful that you have those memories.

You can give more, eventually. You did manage to move yourself and you family to the Algarve - at one point yuo almost seemed paralysed about making any decision. SO you can galvanise youself eventually - and especially when it is for the sake of your kids.

For the sake of your kids, don't shut yourself off from being close to anyone ever again. it's a tremendous burden on them if they are the only reason for your life. Not so much of an issue now - but as they get older, it will be good for them ot see that you have other interests.

I'm not saying "go out and find a new girlfriend". I'm just saying "be open to the possibility of friendship - wherever and whenever it is offered". :)

jmg
hugs
xxx

Funeral is tomorrow what should I send?

Depends if they've said that they want flowers. Have you talked to any of his family? What would they want?

I'm presuming that his wife is perhaps not the best person to ask for advice?!

It may be that all they want is to know that you are thinking of them? If they haven't said "no lfowers" and you want to send flowers - and it makes you feel better - then that is what you should do. Alternatively, make a donation to a charity that you know would have meant something to your friend.

Go to a bar and have a toast to the memory of your friend.

My sils from oz couldnt make their fathers funeral in the uk, so they took a bottle of wine to a local beauty spot. wrote him a letter and sent it out to sea. They send it was very cleansing.

Have just called spoke to his Dad. Said I am out of the Country and can't be there but that I will be thinking of them. I couldn't ask about what to send it seemed so useless in the scheme of it.

We had some good laughs and his family were always very nice to me.

i don't mean me and his Dad have just had some good laughs, meant me and my mate did, years ago.

That's what you need to remember.

I like Lucy5's idea.

prettybird, I was on the phone when you did your post at 2.03! great minds eh!