So...my time limit for grieving has expired

[madasa]

I have posted here before about my precious dad who I lost 10 months ago.

Sometimes it hurts so badly that I can hardly breathe, I miss him beyond words.

The early days were dark and there were times I felt like just driving and driving and never coming back.

I didn't though. I got myself some counselling which helped to a degree. I combined this with ads from my GP when the dark thoughts got very dark. I coped, I functioned. I had 9 days off work in the very beginning but have not had a day off since.

I don't sit around crying, I try to distract myself. I am dealing with the sale of my dad's house which is hard. I hear my dad's voice in my head saying 'come on lovey...you can do this'

My DP has been brilliant and supportive.

So....why last night when I was crying and missing my dad so badly I was doubled up in pain...why was I told 'come on, it really is time to move on now. You must accept he's gone (I do). You have to get on with things (I do) You're going to end up in a mental hospital (!)

So thanks for that DP...I now have absolutely nowhere to go with my pain. You were unfair though, you never showed me the 'rules' especially the one which says I mustn't bother anyone with my tears and pain after the 10 month mark. At what point did my grief contract expire? Why wasn't I told?

Well I'll manage without your support thanks. I'll keep my tears and my pain to myself, I'll grieve quietly and privately so that I don't disturb anyone. I'll 'pull myself together'

Let's see how long it is before I drive and drive and don't come back.

Thank you if you've read this. There is no need for replies...I really just needed to get it down.

(()) (very unMN but what the hell)

The first year is particularly hard but grief never goes away. I have cried in the last couple of months about my mum who died nearly 20 years ago. I don't live in a haze of mourning. I get on with a busy life but there are just times when I want my mum back. It is completely normal to feel the way you do. If your DP hasn't lost a parent he probably doesn't understand.

I want to recommend books but can't think of any of the top of my head. Have you tried Cruse for bereavement counselling? I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all but sometimes talking to someone who is trained in bereavement counselling can be really helpful

I am sorry. I have just managed to get through the first year mark of my Dads death and in many ways it is harder now than in those first dark days. I have had longer to realise what I am missing and what he has missed.

I don't have any wisdom to offer just understanding. Take care.

Cruse details

I lost my Mum 5 years ago and I would agree that the first year is grim. I could find no joy in anything. But, it does get better. As time goes by the grief isn't as raw and life does become enjoyable again. If you feel like you are 'stuck' in the grieving process I would highly recommend Cruse bereavement counselling. It really helped me.

I think you need to bear in mind that supporting a partner who is grieving is emotionally very draining. Your DP may benefit from you going to counselling as he may feel it isn't just up to him to support you. He is clearly worrying about you - try not to take it as him getting at you.

Grieving is incredibly hard. You will feel better. Take each day as it comes. One day you'll realise you have found you again.

I think you are being unfair on your DP, sorry, but I do.

That's a horrible thing for him to say :(

I work as a bereavement counsellor and can tell you that a lot of te clients at our service don't come for counselling until a year or more after the death of the loved one.

Your DP is misguided in thinking you should be all better by now. Your feelings are absolutely normal, as is your sense of isolation as everyone around you starts telling you to 'move on'.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can find the support you need to get through this.

Have you read "You'll get Over it - the rage of bereavement" by Virginia Ironside ? I found it really really helped. Perhaps your DP could read it too.

I lost my dad in 1996 and still see my life in terms of either side of that date. The first few years were hell, and I was so angry that my FIL was alive and my DH didn't understand what I was going through. I recognise my feelings then in what you've written. There is nothing you can do further than you have already to feel better. It is just time, and for me the 7th anniversary of his death was the first one that the world felt normal.

I still feel sad that he is no longer here but that raw aching grief is no longer present. But 10 months is nothing and of course you feel pain. I assume your DP is lucky to have never lost anyone, and would second the suggestion that he get counselling himself. My DH didn't, and found it all very hard.

Growing up my mother and Step-dad where abusive and my Nana was more like a mother and best friend to me. She passed away very suddenly when I was 16. Im now 22 and its only the past year that Ive reached a point where I can even talk about it. My inability to "get past it" was due to people making the kind of comments your DP has made and my lack of support. People can be selfish when others grieve. They have sympathy up to a point and then the impatience creeps in and they start to think you should be "moving on". Do NOT listen to anyone who says you shouldn't be feeling this way, you need to find a safe space where you can open up about those feelings and if DP can't provide that right now then I also think bereavement counselling is the way to go. I was hounded by my mother to stop being selfish and ended up having a breakdown where police picked me up wandering down a dual carriageway calling out for Nana. I dont remember it but was in hospital for the rest of the night.

Grief is a serious emotional reaction which needs to be allowed to take its course for aslong as is needed. Bottling it and attempting to pretend you are ok is damaging and your DP should understand that.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I have had some counselling with Cruse. I had about 8 sessions which ended about 3 months ago.

It did help to a degree. It enabled me to 'tell my story' as it were and to untangle my thoughts (my dad's death made feelings from my mum's death age 63 and complicated issues re my feelings for her resurface)

I do realise that my DP is worried about me and he really is the kindest man you could wish to meet. I know he feels a need to 'fix' things and finds it hard to see me in pain. I really do understand all of that....I just wanted to be able to cry. Now it feels totally bottled up inside me and I feel very alone.

I don't sit around moping all the time....I honestly don't...hell sometimes I even laugh

My DP lost his dad (who he was very close to)....uncannily my dad died on the 4th anniversary of his dad's death.

I don't want/need anybody to do anything....I just need to cry (very occasionally)

I have taken on board all your comments and it is really helpful to have other people's perspectives.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses too xx

My dad died a year ago...I miss him terribly and have just completed the 'firsts' of everything without him this year...brthday Christmas etc. we all grieve differently and no one can judge another`s grief. I have moments where it is all too much and then other times I can smile and just think of him fondly. It is still early days.

The thing is, different people grieve differently. Your dp may actually be quite alarmed because he was Ok-ish after 10 months and is getting worried that you aren't, using himself as the yardstick for normality!

Sorry, pressed "post' too soon!
What I meant to say was that it sounds like he's genuinely concerned for you but not being very helpful.

Explain to him that you have read up about it on MN and that you are within the normal range and that you still need to cry.

My dad passed away nearly 2 years ago and I still find it incredibly hard. I was used to seeing him everyday. I think at times goes on I am just getting better at not breaking down every day. I was told by a sibling just 3 months after he passed away that I should have dealt with my grieving. I truly believe there is no time limit. I will grieve for my dad forever.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 20 years ago now and I have been fine. Yet I found Father's Day really tough this year. Maybe it's because I am pregnant and lost my mum a year ago. There is no time limit on grief.
Incidently my dh did worse.
On the day of my mum's funeral I sat crying in front of TV and he asked me what was sad on TV.

Sorry for your loss. I really feel for you. It's not on for anyone to tell you that you shouldn't be able to cry. It might just be his way of dealing with things and a genuine attempt to help you or reach out to you.

I can remember someone close to me saying, after I'd had a weep:
'FGS, he's been dead for 2 yrs. Haven't you got all this out of your system?'

I was far from crying all the time. But, sometimes it would hit me like a punch in the stomach and when I least expected it. (a song, a smell, a saying or whatever)
Don't try to bottle it all up. You should tell your DP as I have told mine that releasing emotions are very healing.
Take care.

It's true, sometimes people do use their own feelings as a yardstick to measure what you ought to be feeling, and of course it doesn't work. My Dad died 3 months ago, and I'm sure DH thinks I've 'got over' it, because the loss didn't affect him that much. In reality, due to having to work through difficult times for other family members, I haven't really even begun the grieving process. Yet he understood how I dealt with my Mum's death, because he missed her more than he misses my Dad.
I remember as a young teenager overhearing relatives discussing how my grandmother should have got over her husband's death by now. I don't know how long he'd been dead by then, but she only survived him by 3 years.

I lost my dad and my brother last year. I think I found the months after the first anniversary of their deaths the hardest. When it actually happened I was so shocked and numb (both were unexpected) it didn't feel real. It wasn't until some time had passed that it really sank in. My sister was coping well, but in the last couple of months has come very close to a complete breakdown.

You'll grieve for your dad in your own time, and that will take as long as it takes; their is no time limit when you just get over it. I don't think your DP is deliberately being unkind, he's probably just worried about you, but showing it in a rather tactless way.

This probably won't help, my X waited a month after my dad died to do the 'you should be over it by now' speech.

I also had a 4 month old baby at the time.

I just kind of took on board what he said and hid my grief, now 4 years after leaving him I am able to grieve as I see fit.

There are people who take years to get over a parents death.

I now have to come to terms with my mums death, which will be within the next 2/3 years. She has a life limiting illness.

one year

one year will pass
i can feel it edging closer
how will the world seem then?
it wont have changed as we have
how could it?
12 months are not enough

some say times a healer
we know that isn't true
12 months, 12 years 12 lifetimes
wont change things for me and you
but now we know we are not alone
but the world is not as we thought
there are hearts as ours that have suffered so
many that are torn apart

one year will come and then be gone
some will notice then move on
yet however many years go by
our tears will fall and we will cry
together forever my love
to some we may try to explain
to others we may not
about the pain the grief and the loss

and then i guess another year
will be here and gone
and the world still wont look
as it once had done

but one thing will have remained true
thats the love between me and you

I'm a year and a half into life without dad. I'm also a therapist. There is no time limit to grief. There's no rule book to going through grief and sadly, there's no guidebook for helping a loved one through grief either.
Try talking to him and letting him know that although you're ok a lot of the time, that sometimes it will overwhelm you still and that you don't need him to do anything but to let you feel what you're feeling and to support you.

My husbands dad died 6 months ago and although I've been through it so recently too, I'm struggling to know how to help and support him.

Just try to keep talking...

Oh sweetheart, I lost my dad 22 months ago. I'm not over it. I fully expect it to come back and bite me on the arse because I haven't dealt with it. I've had to pull myself together as I had ds 12 months ago.

Your dh doesn't know what to say or do to help anymore. He is frustrated. He is scared. he is so worried. None of this makes it ok. He just doesn't know how to keep doing it.

There is no time limit, there is no waking up one day and it has gone away. There is becoming accustomed to it. To being able to say it out loud without crying. Being able to talk about him with being upset.

Could you try telling him how much that hurt?

whiteandyelloworchid that has made me cry

My dad died 4 years ago aged 60. He was my absolute rock, we spoke every single day - I miss him every day

There is no time limit on grief. I second everything that has been said here. The poem by orchid says so much of how l feel.