So...my time limit for grieving has expired

[madasa]

I have posted here before about my precious dad who I lost 10 months ago.

Sometimes it hurts so badly that I can hardly breathe, I miss him beyond words.

The early days were dark and there were times I felt like just driving and driving and never coming back.

I didn't though. I got myself some counselling which helped to a degree. I combined this with ads from my GP when the dark thoughts got very dark. I coped, I functioned. I had 9 days off work in the very beginning but have not had a day off since.

I don't sit around crying, I try to distract myself. I am dealing with the sale of my dad's house which is hard. I hear my dad's voice in my head saying 'come on lovey...you can do this'

My DP has been brilliant and supportive.

So....why last night when I was crying and missing my dad so badly I was doubled up in pain...why was I told 'come on, it really is time to move on now. You must accept he's gone (I do). You have to get on with things (I do) You're going to end up in a mental hospital (!)

So thanks for that DP...I now have absolutely nowhere to go with my pain. You were unfair though, you never showed me the 'rules' especially the one which says I mustn't bother anyone with my tears and pain after the 10 month mark. At what point did my grief contract expire? Why wasn't I told?

Well I'll manage without your support thanks. I'll keep my tears and my pain to myself, I'll grieve quietly and privately so that I don't disturb anyone. I'll 'pull myself together'

Let's see how long it is before I drive and drive and don't come back.

Thank you if you've read this. There is no need for replies...I really just needed to get it down.

glad you liked it, it was readout in a church service i went, it was a service for parents that have lost babies a sands service.
but i think it really applies to any of us

written by someone called michael leahy

So sorry to hear of your loss. DH lost his mum a year ago and is still finding it difficult. His counselor said in her experience it takes around 5 years for the initial grieving process, but that everyone is different.

As the partner of someone who recently lost a parent I can tell you it is not easy watching your loved one in so much pain and you do feel quite helpless.

You need to explain to him that you need to cry and feel in order that your emotions don't bottle up inside you and all you need him to do is hold you, he cannot fix it or take away the pain and you will cope better once you have had a good cry.

Try not to pull away from him when you most need him, what he did was insensitive, but it is because he loves you and doesn't know what to do.

madasa so sorry

There is no time limit on grief, DMIL died 12 years ago, DH and I miss her terribly still.

There will be a moment over Christmas when DH will go quiet (she was a great one for Christmas traditions) and I will hold his hand. Most likely he won't say anything and neither will I, but I know he's wishing she was still here.

Yes, the raw edge fades, but if you truly loved someone, especially if they died before their time, a deep regret remains.

Thank you so much for all your kind words....they really do help.

I'm sorry it's taken me a while to come back but it's just hard at the moment.

Those words are beautiful whiteandyelloworchid, if you don't mind I will print them out.

I know my DP only said this out of sheer concern and worry for me, it has however made me feel very alone.

I found a birthday card last night from my dad in which he'd written 'love you always' ....made me cry but also helped a little.

I'm sorry for all your losses but thank you for sharing your different experiences....it does make me feel a little less alone.