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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

"You Light The Skies Up Above Me, A Star So Bright You Blind Me" Remembering all our precious children.

999 replies

fioled · 25/08/2012 11:45

For my beautiful baby Anabelle Violet, loved and missed to the moon and back, always xxx How hard we wish that you were here baby girl.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

For all our babies and children, big and small xx

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 30/08/2012 15:12

Tami, I saw that thread. Very frustrating for you, I know.Sad Hopefully the OP's baby has just turned to a position with legs kicking in but I'm sure you want to go over there and march her to hospital!

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 30/08/2012 15:55

tami it's only natural that today will be difficult for you. We are getting glimpses of sunshine here, so hoping you will see a Tamsin rainbow before the day is out. Be gentle on yourself. xx

expatinscotland · 30/08/2012 17:39

Thinking of lovely Tamsin today ((())).

chipmonkey · 30/08/2012 22:29

ds4's first day in school today. In the queue to get into the classroom, I was standing behind two Mums with buggies. I should have a buggy too.

Tami, hope the day passed as gently as it could xxx

expatinscotland · 31/08/2012 00:26

Ah, chip!

Had a nap yesterday in A's bed and could swear she was there.

Miss her so, so much.

Two days ago, another girl with AML from the unit died. She was 15, a year post transplant when she relapsed. She chose to go for more chemo, and died from it.

Tamisara · 31/08/2012 10:12

Miasmummy, chip & expat Thank you for your kind thoughts xx

I saw the photos of DS4 on FB chip, he looks so grown-up! But so gorgeous still. It's not fair that you didn't have a buggy, what's more, it's not fair that other people (strangers) have no idea that you should have a buggy. I hope DS4 had a good day though, and enjoyed it xx

expat It's only natural that you miss her - she was very beautiful btw. Sorry to hear about the 15yr old xx

I used to watch wildlife documentaries, and think how brutal and cruel nature was. Somehow as 'civilised' humans, we seem above the brutalness of lions chasing us as if gazelles, but now it strikes me that nature has other ways of catching us, and proving life is unfair, no matter how cilvilised we may be. It really is unfair, but then I guess life is not about fairness.

I had a reasonably good day yesterday. We went to the cemetery, DD1 was very excited about going there to see "Tamsin baby". She's funny, she knows that Tamsin is in her grave (though I wonder if she thinks she is a flower), but when asked she points up and say's "Tamsin baby's in the sky". She also recognises her photo. I have no idea what she really thinks, but then she is only just two, so far too young to explain properly.

I've decided to change doctors. My GP has retired, and I just hate going there now. I wanted to change to one nearer, but apparently I'm not in their catchment Hmm so I found a new one, even nearer. It will mean changing psychiatrist, so part of me wants to wait till she's back from holiday, the other part just wants to do it - stop procrastinating. I'm also getting rid of bags, scent, and clothes I bought when pregnant with Tamsin. I just don't feel connected to them now.

I met the mother of an 8yr old boy at the cemetery. I'd read about her son in our local paper (he had a brain tumour). He battled for 4 years. She was a lovely lady. She can't have any more children, he was her only one... life really isn't fair xx

3girlies · 31/08/2012 11:41

In memory of our lovely DD3 Flora, died on 2nd July following a year long battle with a brain tumour, aged 6yrs 8mths. Still so raw and painful, missing her so much. Love to all of you on this thread. X.

chipmonkey · 31/08/2012 11:49

I'll bet Aillidh was there, expat. Sylvie-Rose definitely hung around after she died. I can't "see" things but toys in the boys' bedroom and in the living room moved of their own accord and once, walking through the hall I got her baby smell.
After my Nana died, my Mum saw her shape appear in a doorway and she said "Are ye all alright?" before disappearing again.

expatinscotland · 31/08/2012 12:12

I don't believe they ever go away, tbh, chip, but I'm more of a Spiritualist/pagan in many of my beliefs. I don't believe in 'heaven' as a place with defined boundaries. People say Jesus and angels and God are everywhere and with them always, then why not others who have passed on the spirit life? My paternal gran was a Catholic, but she was first a Mayan with beliefs that life was eternal and that those who passed could communicate with us throughout our lives.

3girlies, I know! It is still very raw. Thinking of you and Flora. More and more people we knew from the unit are still sick, dying or have died. It makes me sick and even more so how little funding there is for childhood cancers and brain tumours across the board.

chipmonkey · 31/08/2012 12:44

Expat, I don't think they fully go away but I do feel that maybe they get preoccupied with other things as well and pay us less attention on occasion. There are times I feel her presence and my Dad's presence and other times that I feel they're off doing other stuff.
My aunt, after she lost her son, said that she always knew he was there when she was hanging out her clothes on the line. And then one day, he was "gone" But that he came back again.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 31/08/2012 13:26

Sometimes, you really can believe they are here, and that nothing has changed... but how it hurts to return to reality. I haven't felt Mia's presence for a while now. She does visit me occasionally in my dreams, and I like to think that when she isn't here, she is visiting others who love her too. I always feel calmer in the garden though, especially if the blackbird is singing.

twinklesunshine · 31/08/2012 13:40

3girlies how was your trip away?

I wish I had felt him near me, I haven't yet.

xxx

3girlies · 31/08/2012 17:34

twinklesunshine it was fine, went better than we hoped, we just kept focused on the girls and made the best of it. Very sad at times that Flora was not with us, on the beach etc. where other little ones were playing, seeing my other two girls trying their best to get on with it without their little sister, just had a few tears here and there.
Glad we have done the first holiday.
I have thought I had seen her a couple of times, just out of the corner of my eye, then you look properly and she is not there. Also have had one dream where she was with me on her bike smiling away, that is it so far.
Hope you are all getting by. X.

expatinscotland · 01/09/2012 02:33

I have been promoting Childhood Cancer Awareness month, which is September, and thus heard of another our consultant's patient's death.

A 5-year-old boy, on 19 August. High-risk ALL, successfully transplanted, relapsed in April, all chemo failed. 3 years, he battled.

Fuck you, cancer!

expatinscotland · 01/09/2012 02:34

I knew his mother, from Schehallion.

deemented · 01/09/2012 12:59

It's just not fucking fair, is it? Sad

chipmonkey · 01/09/2012 16:49

The poor family. Too many.Sad

shabbapinkfrog · 02/09/2012 10:01

Back from sunny Rhodes. We managed to get the two butterflies, who came every afternoon to the pool, to land on my DH's hand - they were enormous and so beautiful. This is the first year that I haven't shed tears that Gareth & Matty weren't with us. We lay in the sun, we swam, we drank too much and we enjoyed our friends company. I never thought the day would come when my memories were more gentle. xxx

expatinscotland · 02/09/2012 11:33

Another child from Schehallion, 14-month-old baby girl, who came in this past March, died from AML this morning.

chipmonkey · 02/09/2012 12:19

Glad you had a lovely trip, shabs.

expat, so sad about that poor little girl.

KateRaeganandMichael · 02/09/2012 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frasersmummy · 02/09/2012 22:04

no dee its not fucking fair ...why us.. why our kids..what did we do

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 02/09/2012 22:11

Kate I was offered sleeping tablets by our GP after Mia died, although I decided against them. I'm sure your own GP would be, or at least should be, extremely sympathetic, especially as you haven't been sleeping for quite some time.

shabba so glad you had a gentle holiday, yet Gareth and Matty still joined you.

expat just too many. Too sad.

I was godmother to a little girl today, the sister of one of Mia's friends. All the ritualised words of prayer seem so separate from daily life, the love and suffering we feel for Mia. Perhaps that's wrong, certainly confused logic, given I feel I will see her again one day...

chipmonkey · 03/09/2012 10:41

Kate, I think your GP would fully understand where you are coming from and would be happy to prescribe sleeping tablets. You so need sleep.

Mias, I feel I will see Sylvie-Rose again but a lot of prayers ring very hollow for me now. In the George Anderson book, he does say it is beneficial to pray for those who have died, that it lifts them spiritually. So I pray for the dead on that basis but wonder sometimes if there's any point in praying for the living Sad

twinklesunshine · 03/09/2012 12:02

I also believe I will see him again, but I struggle with prayers. I have never done them myself, but my husband liked the boys to say their prayers before they went to sleep every night. It was always the same, both said the Lords Prayer (which he knew off by heart at 3!) and then they god bless all their family and friends, its takes ages as he liked to do it by name. The last thing they always said was 'and god bless us boys, A and M, keep us safe while we sleep tonight'. It upsets me even writing it down, M said that every night before he went to sleep since he could talk, and he died in the night in bed. I just dont understand why an innocent little boy who happily said that over and over again was taken like that. I know he probably didnt understand what he was saying, but it was really hard to reconcile it. I cant bare to listen to A say his prayers anymore, as he still says keep me safe as I sleep tonight, and to me I am always now thinking what is the point.

I had that wedding at the weekend, and survived. It wasnt as bad as I thought. They mentioned him in the speeches though as he was meant to be a page boy and so I had to go and hide in the gardens outside for ages and have a good sob. I managed to stay until 10pm which I was proud of.

Had to do the school run today, have barely done it since he died, but thought if I dont get back into it now, when am I going to as I have to go there for the next god knows how many years. It wasnt as bad as I thought.

xxxxxx