Didn't go to see unconscious dying dad

[KD0706]

Such a long story. But the short of it is my dad stopped breathing and was oxygen deprived and never woke up. He was on life support for 2.5 days but showed no signs of his brain working so it was switched off.

I didn't go to say goodbye to him. I wanted to remember him how he was. I didn't think he would know I was there. And (and this is the bit I'm ashamed of) it was a seven hour drive and I've got a 3 month old breastfed baby I would have had to take with me on a 14 hr round trip.

I persuaded myself that he would want me to remember him how he was, that me being there would make no difference and that he wouldn't want me traipsing around the county with baby.

But now I've spoken to his wife and she says she is so disappointed I didn't go as she thinks hearing my voice might have helped him wake up and at least would have comforted him.

I feel so shit. I feel guilty and selfish and it's all too late.

There is a back story where I've seen v little of him since he married his wife , she didn't like him seeing me too much and for his own reasons he accepted/went along with that. But I think that's fairly irrelevant. I feel I've let him down and it's too late to do anything about it

I am really sorry about your dad.

My Dad's life ended in a coma 7 years ago too. I saw him 2 hours before he died and I can honestly say that I wish to God I hadn't. It was horrible. He was fitting constantly and it was terrifying. It's a horrible last memory to have.

His wife is in the early stages of grief and widowhood and that is a terrifying place for her to be. She's not thinking about your feelings; she's thinking about hers. She is saying anything she can to try to distract herself from her grief, which means that she's trying to make you feel bad in order to to maker herself feel better iykwim...? This is common when people are grieving. (My mum was very good at it!). Ignore what she says. If you need to, politely and calmly point out that he was your dad as well as her husband, and that you're dealing with his death in your own way. You did not cause him any additional pain or suffering by not being there, nor did you bring about his death, and for her to suggest this is ridiculous and cruel.

Take care x

Bollocks! You did what was right for you at the time. 7 hours and breast feeding alone is more than enough reason but you also thought it was better for you if you didn't. In that case it was certainly the best decision for you. I was there when my died, but my sister wasn't. That was better for her, and I absolutely back her on that (not that I need to). Have your grief bit don't add to it or torture yourself for no reason.

Sorry for your loss, OP. My Dad died about 2 months ago. I went to see him, not realising he'd deteriorated so rapidly, and although I'd probably have felt the same as you do if I hadn't seen him myself, I can honestly say I don't think it made any difference to him that I was present. Certainly not to the outcome. He was still technically alive, but to all intents and purposes he wasn't there any more. Some family members that went into the room to see him were very distressed and wished they hadn't done it. So it's not always the best thing to do, whatever your father's wife thinks.

You have not let him down, he would not have wanted you to see him like that. My dad died of cancer in 1994 and I still remember how he looked in his final days and shortly after death and it's horrible.
My parents had divorced but my my mum wanted to say goodbye to him, I lied to her and said he'd requested not to see her. I didn't want my mum to see him like that.
Your dad loved you and would want you to remember him well. Your voice would not have made any difference. This is your dad, remember that, you know what was best.

Hmmm, she didn't like him seeing you when he was alive but feels free to give you a hard time now about how you dealt with his death.
I think you had very valid reasons for your choice - just the 14hr round trip with a 3 month old is reason enough. You know how you wanted to deal with it and it isn't her place to make you feel bad. Your dad, your grief.

For what its worth when DMiL died 7 years ago DH and his sister were told she wouldn't last the night - she was unconscious and unresponsive by this time. DH went to see her and said his goodbyes. She did make it through the night but DH felt he didn't want or need to see her again and say goodbye again so we took 18mth old DD to the zoo instead. Something we would have done with DMiL if she had been well. We got the phonecall saying that she had died whilst we were there and DH's decision still felt right. DSiL was HORRIFIED and I don't think she has forgiven DH yet but it was the right thing for him and I'm pretty sure his mum would have approved too.

You need to grieve in your own way and NOT let his wife dictate what you should have done or how you should feel. You have no need to feel selfish or guilty a AT ALL though she should be thoroughly ashamed of herself.

Thanks everybody for being so kind.
I'm trying to imagine him here just now and I'm fairly certain he'd say something along the lines of 'don't be so bloody stupid, take no notice'.

His wife is obviously going through a horrendous time. I feel sorry for her but I'm also cross she's said this. And then part of me thinks maybe there's truth in it.

She said 'he loved you so much, so I kept hoping you'd come and your voice would make a difference'. That makes me cry so much. I can't sleep and I will be knackered tomorrow as I will be up in the night feeding baby plus I have a toddler too.

So sorry for your loss. You did the right thing - so take no notice of what his wife is saying.

It sounds to me like she's feeling guilty about stopping him seeing you - which is why she made the comment about how much he would have loved to have heard your voice.

Everyone will take their time to grieve in different ways - but don't let her regrets make you feel bad for your decision.

Sometimes when people are ready to die they are held back by the presence of their family. How often do you hear people say that when they popped home for a change of clothes etc the person passed away?
Cry for your dad but not for any misplaced guilt. For what it's worth I don't think there's any truth if what she has said.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your dad knows you loved him and you know he loved you.
Just hold onto that.

Thank you everybody.
I'm just finding this so hard. His wife is now saying I didn't visit enough in the past few years and she can't understand why. Part of me thinks I'm going mad and have imagined all the 'issues' between us all. Part of me feels so guilty. And then part of me is listing all the incidences, all the things which happened, the times he had to sneak out to see me.

I've spoken to a family friend who at least has the same memories as me so I don't feel I'm going completely insane

It sounds like his wife has her own issues, maybe she feels guilty for discouraging your relationship when he was alive. Maybe she feels the need to induldge in some "competitive grieving" and assert her position in her mind as the only person who truely cared, etc.

You know thats not true, ignore, ignore, ignore.

You didn't let him down. If he'd been oxygen deprived and his brain wasn't working then he would not have been aware of you been there. She knows that, if she truely thinks your voice might have helped hi mwake up (which it wouldn't have) then she'd have told you that before he died.

Don't let her play mind games with you but don't get drawn into a slanging match either. If she says again that she feels you didn't visit enough just calmly tell her that you always felt she didn't like you seeing him.

And she's been a bitch laying all this guilt on you. Most people even if they thought it wouldn't say it. Though I suppose it could be the grief talking.

I'm sorry for your loss.

For what it's worth OP, I think you'd have felt bad whether you went or not. When DMIL died DH and I were there, but DBIL wasn't. It was dreadful for us, and dreadful for him. I don't know whether she was glad we were there, or sad he wasn't, or realised either way. Death is awful whether you see it happen or not and I have, in the past, wished we hadn't been there, and then on other occasion been glad we were.

Try not to beat yourself up about it; remember your Dad when he was healthy and honour his memory in a way that's fitting for you.

I visited my dying uncle. He was heavily (and mercifully) sedated. When I went in and took his hand, and spoke to him, for a moment I thought I saw a reaction, that he knew I was there.

But as I sat with him, watching, I realised that what I had taken as a reaction was merely a twitch, randomly occurring.

He had no idea I was there, and no idea when I left. He died a few hours later.

And my last memory of him is not the tall, dark, handsome man of my childhood, nor even the vigourous octogenarian who worked up until the last few months.

And I kinda wish it was.

So sorry for your loss, OP, the widow seems to be lashing out in her grief, please don't take her words to heart. You know your own truth.

Please don't let this add to your grief.

She is clutching at straws because she doesn't know how to handle the loss, that's all - pretty normal stuff. Berevement affects us all differently.

You know your dad would have wanted you to remember him in happier times. My dear granddad said the same to me three days before he passed away - I was gutted as he told me not to come back. I kind of regret it but he had his dignity. He did not want loved ones to see him in final days and that is what I must respect. You knew in your heart what your dad would have wanted and that's without taking into account your travel problems and a baby.

Stay strong, take one day at a time and I hope you and her can unite over this. You do both need each other.

You have done nothing wrong.
His wfre's issues are her own. She is possibly projecting her guilt at discouraging your vists.

He is you dad and you love him. Missing his final moments does not change that.
I am so sorry for your loss.

i saw my mum several days before she died from cancer. She asked me to go home (I lived several hundred miles away) after that last visit. She insisted she did not want me to see her at the end. And, I did not want to either. I saw her when she was coherent (just, for a few mins at a time). I went home and she died 3 days later (i also had a little baby, 0-6 months through the course of her illness) and the travelling was hard.

I often wish I was there, but know she would not have known, and also did not want me to. You know your dad and if you think he would not have wanted you do go, then that is most likely the case, and you absolutely would not have changed the outcome, and he would not have heard you.

I am sorry for your loss x

Yes viva if somebody had said to me to come because he could hear us. Or could maybe hear us. Or that it might help
I would of course have come but my understanding both then and now was that he was brain dead (or as good as, I'm not so clear on the medical terminology)

I've read back through the texts and listened again to the voicemail his wife left. And all it said was if you want to come and say goodbye now is the time to do so.

I'm feeling ok at the moment, out playing in the sun with toddler DD. well she's playing I'm mumsnetting! But it just keeps hitting me. And now I have guilt as well as grief.

I totally don't blame his wife. She's going through such a horrendous time.

I spoke to my dad three days before he lost consciousness. He was going in for chemo for throat cancer. I offered to go and visit. I said if he needed me he should just ask.
But his wife says I should have just come anyway.

And of course when I spoke to him none of us knew what was about to happen

I'd have done the same in your position. I'd rather have happier memories. Different if a visit from you would have brought him some comfort but in this situation it wouldn't have done.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. You loved your Dad and he loved you, whether you saw him just before he died or not. His widow is obviously and understandably upset and has said a very unkind thing, do your very best to ignore it - there's nothing to be gained in feeling bad, nor in getting into a conversation with her about it. You need to find the time to deal with your grief, so concentrate on that.

I'm so sorry, it's a hard thing to deal with.

You know what? Your Dad's wife just doesn't sound like a nice person.
She didn't like your Dad seeing you. What sort of person doesn't like a father seeing his own daughter?
And now that he's died, yes, she's widowed but that doesn't mean that overnight she's become nice. Heaping guilt on you when you've just lost your Dad is not a nice thing to do.
My dd was in a coma before we switched the life support off. We were there, we held her hands but she was totally limp and lifeless, a world away from the lively, feisty baby she had been. She didn't respond to anything we said or did. My own belief is that she was with us, looking down on us at that time but she would have been doing that, no matter where we were.
I think your step-mum probably feels guilty that she kept you from your Dad but that's her problem, not yours. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

My Dad died when my son was just under 3 months old, we had no idea he was so ill. I got a call from the hospital 3 days after he'd gone in, to advise me to go and see him as he had deteriorated rapidly.

I didn't have a 14 hour round trip, but there was no way I was taking my son, I had to leave him with my sil who I'm not particularly fond of.

I spent 4 hours with my Dad on my own and to be perfectly honest I wouldn't want to do it again, he was unable to speak, but he knew I was there because he cried. Watching him coughing and being suctioned was horrendous.

Your dad is in your heart and mind, seeing him ill would have made it worse. When somebody feels guilty they usually try and transpose that guilt. This is what my sister did.

I also had an opportunity to see him again at the funeral home and didn't go. In some ways I regret that now, but at the time it was the right decision.

I also had to explain in graffic detail exactly what my sister missed because she was so angry that I didn't let her know before, how ill he was.

Concentrate on what is right for you and tell your dad's wife to back off and let you grieve in peace.

Leaving your wicked stepmother aside, on a more practical note, you may not have been able to take your baby on to the ward.

When my mum died last year my children (then 26mo and 5weeks) were not allowed on the ward so we left dd with my dad and DH sat with DS in the hospital cafe so I could visit. When my dad was subsequently ill, DH spent hours sitting in a hospital cafe (which was closed over Christmas) with both children after we subjected them to 4 hours in the car. It was truly crap and really not fair on the kids.

Tbh I think you'd feel just as guilty if you'd had to take your baby...

It's really hard but please try to let go of the guilt. Your dad's partner is Gutting and angry but has no reason to project that on to you.

I am so sorry that you have lost your Dad. Please try not to take your step-mother to heart. She is dealing with her grief in her own way and that is painful for you as she is lashing out. Sadly, this happens frequently. :(

Your Dad would have not wanted you to see him in his final moments. Your voice wouldn't have woken him and even if it had, would that honestly have been the best thing for him? At best he would have been frightened.

Take comfort in your memories and share them with old friends and new. Much love. x

So sorry for your loss and agree totally with what everyone else has said.

It would not have made any difference to him if you were there and even if he could have seen you or heard you, he would have wanted to spare you the pain of seeing him like that.

My grandma has had a stroke and has had nutritition/hydration withdrawn, so it will only be a matter of days before she dies. I went to see her last week and she looked so small and not like herself at all. She had no idea that I was there, I just sat and cried for 5 minutes and then left. I feel like I ought to go back, but actually it will serve no purpose other than to show the nursing staff that her family are 'there'. I don't need to impress the nurses, I need to think whether it will help my gran, myself or my DCs, which it won't.

I believe that when people are 'visited' by loved ones who have died, that its actually what you have experienced - you knew him well enough to 'hear' him telling you what you know he would have said to you. I feel the same about visiting my mum & dad's grave, they would feel awful that I was putting myself out to stand and look at a slab of marble. They'd rather I think of them during my everyday life, which I do.

My lasting memories of both my parents are their final moments, very harrowing in different ways. I would give anything not to have that picture in my mind. You did the right thing.