Didn't go to see unconscious dying dad

[KD0706]

Such a long story. But the short of it is my dad stopped breathing and was oxygen deprived and never woke up. He was on life support for 2.5 days but showed no signs of his brain working so it was switched off.

I didn't go to say goodbye to him. I wanted to remember him how he was. I didn't think he would know I was there. And (and this is the bit I'm ashamed of) it was a seven hour drive and I've got a 3 month old breastfed baby I would have had to take with me on a 14 hr round trip.

I persuaded myself that he would want me to remember him how he was, that me being there would make no difference and that he wouldn't want me traipsing around the county with baby.

But now I've spoken to his wife and she says she is so disappointed I didn't go as she thinks hearing my voice might have helped him wake up and at least would have comforted him.

I feel so shit. I feel guilty and selfish and it's all too late.

There is a back story where I've seen v little of him since he married his wife , she didn't like him seeing me too much and for his own reasons he accepted/went along with that. But I think that's fairly irrelevant. I feel I've let him down and it's too late to do anything about it

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Everything has just been awful. At his funeral I wasn't even mentioned. Afterwards his wife asked if I was ok and I said I felt hurt not to have been mentioned and she said I hadn't visited him enough when he was alive so I didn't deserve to be mentioned.

And there was much much more. So basically she is earning the evil step mother moniker!!

On the plus side one of his close friends who did visit him in hospital sought me out and said I did the right thing not going to the hospital and my dad wouldn't have wanted me to go.

But it now feels like so much more than the decision to not visit in intensive care.

His wife sounds like a prize bitch. Sorry as your dear dad obviously loved her, but she has some issues that are not your problem now.

I hope you can keep your fond memories of you dad at the front of your mind and try not to let this woman's nastiness taint your feelings. You need to be gentle with yourself, even as an adult you don't realise quite how often you rely on your parents to support you, so please look after yourself and give yourself the time you need to grieve for him. My final memories of both my parents dying have overshadowed all the lovely things about them and I would give anything to be able to forget those last images I have of them.

My Grandma died this morning and I do feel bad that I haven't been to visit her this week, but she would not have known that I was there and it would have just been awful to sit and watch her lay there lifeless.

I think your dad's wife is grieving and feeling guilty, she is re-writing history and putting blame for things at your door as it is easier for her if everything is your fault, this may be a concious decision or not, either way you have got to rise above her.

This was your dad, you loved him and he you, any decision you made is one that you justify to yourself and he alone. As a parent I cannot imagine any part of me wanting one of my daughters to make a 14 hour round trip with a breastfed baby to see me laying in a hospital bed about to meet my death, sure if it would make them feel better but the relationship you have in life is in my opinion way more important than the one you have in death.

He's gone, say your goodbyes in your own way, guilt free, let him go and RIP and do the best thing you can - live your life and raise his GC.

His wife sounds really horrible. Sorry for your loss and please don't let this awful woman add to your grief.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't understand why your step mother is being so hurtful about it, I can only imagine she has her own issues and is trying to offload some of her guilt / sadness / anger / frustration onto you. What you did was totally right and you mustn't feel guilty about it (easier said than done I know).

My father died a while ago now when I was 8 months pg with my first child. he had been ill on and off for a while and each time he had pulled through so I had no particular expectation that he was going to die at that point. I had been down to see him, but returned to London as it was just pre Christmas and we were giving a big Christmas party. I felt ridiculous and uncomfortable sitting around waiting for him to die, so on a kind of snap decision decided to return and go ahead with the party. Needless to say he died that night and as you can imagine I felt awful. But my brother was there with him until the end and has comforted me in many ways about it and above all reassured me that me having been there would not have made a difference as he would not have known me (and in any event both my DH and my brother felt strongly that being so late in my pg it would not have been a good idea for me to have gone through the stress of being with him at the very end).

My step mother was also v beastly to me in many ways which I won't go into here, but she sounds much like yours!

7 years on I am now on reasonably (although infrequent) good terms with my step mother. I have maintained a semblance of a relationship with her for my father's sake and I am glad that I have done so. As such, from my experience I would suggest that you hold your tongue and don't lash out back at her. At some point you might be relieved that you took the moral high ground.

I would advise you to try not to take to heart what she has said to you. It is a projection of whatever is going on with her emotionally and is not really rational in the circumstances. Presumably she is hurting and wants to lash out at someone else (not that that makes it acceptable).