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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

MY son died

778 replies

mumof2teenboys · 04/07/2012 04:13

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

OP posts:
ISpyPlumPie · 05/07/2012 21:42

So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

May James rest in peace x

myheadsamarley · 05/07/2012 21:45

Sincere condolences to you and your family.. Rest in Peace James x

Jellykat · 05/07/2012 21:59

There are no words that are enough, all i can say is i am so very very sorry mumof x x

piratecat · 05/07/2012 22:01

i am so sorry, James would have know how loved he was. He sounds as though he was loved so x

BettySuarez · 05/07/2012 22:11

I am so very very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x

Original poster
mumof2teenboys · 06/07/2012 07:41

Thank you all once again, the word of strangers on a screen are so very comforting to me right now.

James friends and Sam (his brother) went to his favourite park on wednesday evening, had a drink, played football and lit chinese lanterns for him.

They are so brave and strong and are being such a support to us all, it is helpful to have them here and it is humbling that they choose to be here with us.

We have been given so many cards and flowers and love. People are wonderful, two of mine and his stepdad's friends were here last night and gave us a large amount of money to help with James' funeral because they love him too and wanted to help in a practical way. Moon (James' stepdad) cried and got the most upset I have seen so far. People are stunning me with their kindness and love.

Our boy was special, the coroner was here yestrday and she said that reading his journal had been an honour and had moved her deeply, she gave us the last entry from it. She thought it might give us some comfort, it led to so many tears. The pain everyone is in is almost beyond words.

We will start planning the next stage of James' journey today, we will honour him and celebrate him, he wasn't just a suicide, he is our special boy and we are lucky to have him.

Apparently he told a friend once that if he died first, no-one was to wear black at his funeral and that no-one was to cry, his friends said yesterday that the first was easy but the second wasn't going to happen. They are all helping with this planning, they know him in ways we don't so will be able to give so much.

James, we love you xxx

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/07/2012 07:53

I'm glad you are getting so much support in real life, it is clear he was very much loved by very many people and will continue to be.

Oblomov · 06/07/2012 08:09

Went to a lovely funeral 2 weeks ago OP, of one of my dh's closest freinds, who died of cancer, too young.
Slide show of all his photos, as a baby, at school, at his recent wedding. We all stood there are everyone was very very touched. Silent. It was beautiful. Then everyone started talking about how happy he had looked in some of the recent photos. Then people started talking about the time he ..... for example, aged 18, all the boys, led by my dh, went camping, and was burping and farting so much, they all woke up in the morning, and found that all the tents around them had moved , in the middle of the night!
The atmosphere was a celebration of him.
I have no idea if that is what you would like, but I hope that whatever you choose, the day turns aout, as you would like.

Baffledandbewildered · 06/07/2012 08:13

I am so sorry all my thoughts are with you and your family.

QuickLookBusy · 06/07/2012 08:21

Mumof2, it sounds like James was an amazing boy and is loved by so many.

I am so glad you are surrounded by people who love James and hope they will carry you through this awfully difficult time. Much love to you and all your family.xx

bleedingheart · 06/07/2012 08:52

I'm so sorry for the loss of James. I hope his family and friends draw strength from one another. You are in my thoughts mum of.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 06/07/2012 08:58

Morning. I'm glad talking on here is helping a little. It's good to have a space that's yours where you can say what you want, without having to filter it.

Sam and the boys' friends sound so lovely - I'm pleased you have their support/imput/company.

It's lovely that reading the last entry of James journal gave you some comfort, I hope it has reassured you that James knew he was so loved by you all.

One foot in front of the other, one minute at a time xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 06/07/2012 09:11

Mumof - your last message made me smile and cry at the same time. People are wonderful in times like this - aren't they? Remember that you can have any music you want at a funeral and you can have the service exactly as you want....there aren't the restrictions like there used to be. My DS3's funeral was a wonderful day - that will sound very odd to most who read it. His primary school closed for the day and the vast majority of the 200 pupils came to his funeral. We sang 'Lord of the Dance' and 'If I was a butterfly.' None of us wore dark clothes. The Dad of a friend of DS3's said he didn't have a suit. He is Jamaican and I said 'wear what you would wear if you were at home.' As the cars drew up outside the church I saw him (was hard to miss him!!!) He had white jeans and a multi coloured shirt on (with palm trees and coconuts on). My DS3 Matt would have loved that. Sorry to write an essay. I am passionate about a funeral being a thanksgiving for the person who has died. Dont forget I will help in any way I can, if you need to talk just let me know xxxx

BettySuarez · 06/07/2012 10:24

mumof2 James sounded like a wonderful amazing son and your last post has had me in tears. I wish you all the love and strength possible and will be thinking of you x

DancesWithWoolsEnPointe · 06/07/2012 10:25

You are doing so well Mumof - keep talking to us, because all of these strangers really do care, and if you have found an outlet that helps you heal, keep using it. We are all here for you, and I can only speak for myself, but I keep checking back to see if you have posted again and how you are doing.

I think a colourful celebration of his life sounds like a wonderful idea. My good friend I mentioned right at the beginning of the post has unfortunately had to bury two of her children. Her DD died as a small child and they had a very standard memorial service, and it was a very sterile and unpleasant day. She does not look back on it with anything but sadness. When her DS3 died (also a suicide due to mental illness) she refused to have another memorial service. Instead they had a magnificent celebration of his life. She made a power point display of pictures of his all throughout his life. His friends read poems and song lyrics he liked, or wrote him letters and read them out. There was a lot of black clothing, but only because he was a goth. But the young people all came in their full goth regalia: corsets, dresses, leather trousers, make up, boots with 27 buckles and band t-shirts. It was a day Bas would have been proud of.

The other thing my friend has done is keep Bas' facebook page active. She, and many other people, still write on his wall whenever they think of him or want to tell him something. We share links and pictures to his page we know he'd have found funny and songs we know he would have liked. It helps keep him alive for all of us.

Lots of positive thoughts for you - and a large virtual hug XXXXXXXXX

Yellowtip · 06/07/2012 10:32

James sounds immensely special mumof2, he really does. As Maryz says, some things just don't make sense. I'll be here to read and listen for as long as you want. I'm so sorry for you all; his poor, poor little brother.

Thumbwitch · 06/07/2012 10:45

So glad you have so much RL support. It sounds like James was a wonderful and well-loved boy, by lots of people.

My parents' nextdoor neighbours lost their eldest son to cancer when he was in his 20s - they had a "Celebration of Life" for him, where no one was to wear black. It was so colourful and joyful but people didn't manage the "no tears" because in the end, you cry for yourself, and for your loss and pain, not for the person who has gone.

My grandad said he didn't want anyone to cry for him (he was 90 when he died) but of course we did because we were sad for us, not for him any more.

One tiny word of caution re FB - if he has a page, and you decide to leave it open, change the security settings to Friends Only (if they're not all already there).

PrincessFiorimonde · 06/07/2012 11:10

I am so sorry to hear about James.

Thinking of you all. xx

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 06/07/2012 11:30

I think a celebration of his life could be very healing for everyone, including for all his friends. I always think a funeral should have lots of pictures shown from throughout their life, their favourite music, and some of their special things.
I hope people can come together to support you in putting together some of these things for your dear boy.

I think it's always good to focus on the whole of their life too - there is always so much to remember with fondness and thankfulness, even joy amongst the sadness. Thinking of you - I'm so sorry for your loss Sadx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 06/07/2012 11:35

mumof Go with your instincts. We deliberately chose to do many of the things for my beautiful Mia that you are thinking of for James - a celebration, colourful clothing, special songs (although ours was Wheels on the Bus!). Making the ceremony personal and special helped us immensely, and we were able to feel that we had honoured our daughter the very best way we could, and we did feel a level of peace as we left.

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 11:39

My heart goes out to you , take comfort from all his friends stories about him.

Celebrate his life at his funeral , play his favourite music.

Take one step at a time x

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 12:05

He sounds like a truly wonderful person mumof2.
What is that quote?
You can tell a mans worth by the number of friends he leaves behind?
James was obviously very very worthy.
Am thinking of you x

greengoose · 06/07/2012 14:39

I'm so sorry you have lost your boy. A child will know their mothers love, no matter what.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 06/07/2012 14:46

He sounds so lovely, do tell us more about your boy if you want to. His friends will know how lucky they have been to know him, and will NEVER forget him.

octopuscakes · 06/07/2012 15:48

Funerals should be celebrations, though when someone dies so young it is difficult to see through the grief. DH lost a close friend, aged 33, not so long ago in horrific circumstances, though different to yours. I learnt how important it is to stick together, keep each other company, even when there's nothing to say. I hope you will be able to keep in touch with James' friends. They sound like lovely boys.
RIP James. X

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