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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Bereavement Counselling - what to expect?

32 replies

IcanandIwill · 02/07/2012 18:14

So, tomorrow I have my first appointment with Cruse. I'm not really sure why I'm going and certainly don't know what to expect. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's 11 weeks since DH was killed suddenly. Our baby is 10 weeks. We've been through so much, I just don't know how counselling can help.

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hanahsaunt · 02/07/2012 18:25

Oh my. Couldn't see this and then not say anything. I am just so very, very sorry. How absolutely horrible. I don't know what the counsellor will say or do but if nothing else (s)he will listen, really listen; not everyone else does. Will it help? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe not tomorrow but it's a building block for future helping. It's not going to make anything better but you'll be in a safe place with nothing and no-one to interrupt. I hope you find it a step in healing.

matildawormwood · 02/07/2012 22:10

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my baby 8 weeks ago and have had two counselling sessions so far. My counsellor doesn't tend to say an awful lot or offer much in the way of suggestions but she does ask questions to get me to open up and listens carefully and I just find it very cathartic to be able to say exactly what I want to say without worrying about protecting other peoples' feelings or sounding like I am not coping. I spent most of the last session crying but even that was useful as it's becoming harder to do that in front of loved ones with every week that passes. I do hope you find it of some help. It's definitely worth giving it a try.

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 02/07/2012 22:24

Thanks for the replies. matilda I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss and I'm glad you've found your sessions of some use. I know what you mean about not wanting people to think that you aren't coping. But I also want to scream and shout sometimes! Just because I'm getting up and carrying on, it doesn't mean I'm not crumbling inside. Lots and lots of live to you x

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Firsttobed · 02/07/2012 22:25

I am so sorry. I remember seeing your original thread and I've wondered how you were getting along. I have had a few counselling sessions since losing my baby 11 weeks ago. Like Matilda, my counsellor doesn't say very much but listens and makes positive suggestions - in my case, particularly writing about/to my baby. She also gives me reassurance that what I'm feeling is normal. We have talked about the grieving process which again helps me to understand the journey.

I find that it helps to have some protected time just to talk about how I'm coping as now other people are starting to drift away and I don't really feel that I have much support any more. They've got back to normal, I haven't. It's some me time, a time to just get away. I do cry a lot and feel better for it. It's hard to do that at home.

I have found it really useful although the first session was a bit strange just telling my story. I'm wondering how long it's going to be useful for though now. I do wish that sometimes she would be a bit more directive but I suppose that's down to the individual. I hope that you find it helpful too.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/07/2012 13:09

I hope you got on ok today Ican - I think of you often and hope you are coping ok x

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/07/2012 13:11

Just because I'm getting up and carrying on, it doesn't mean I'm not crumbling inside

I can really relate to that. My loss isnt the same as yours but I lost my mum almost 2 years ago....I think of her still all the time but outwardly you would never know........people think I should be over it by now so I just dont talk about her really. I hope you have lots of support around you who let you talk away about your lovely DH x

Nonio · 03/07/2012 13:18

Hi Ican, you can shout scream cry what ever you need to do. They don't judge or comment. They will ask questions to help you talk. My heart goes out to you at this time and I wish you well today

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 03/07/2012 18:30

So I went. Felt a huge sense of relief after but now feel really down, like I want to curl up and hide away. I suppose it's normal.

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GRW · 03/07/2012 20:01

I am so sorry foryour loss. I think it is normal to feel worse after talking about how you feel in counselling, but in the long run it should help you.

matildawormwood · 03/07/2012 20:03

Well done Ican. It's a big step to take. I'm glad you found some relief. I'm not surprised you've had a bit of a crash afterwards. After my sessions I literally just want to go to bed, I feel so drained and exhausted. But I can't help feeling that it's a good sort of exhausted, if that makes sense. Better than bottling it up anyway. Hope you have a restful night. x

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 03/07/2012 22:26

You are right. It was good to talk to someone who was just there to listen. Friends and family are great but they want to fix things and this just can't be fixed. Had a bath and a glass of wine this evening. Now feel totally worn out.

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Original poster

IcanandIwill · 04/07/2012 10:19

Still feeling drained and exhausted this morning. Didn't expect this much of an impact.

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Nonio · 04/07/2012 11:24

Hi Ican. It could take quite a few days to get over your first session. As your sessions go on the recovery time will get less and eventually you will feel better afterwards.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/07/2012 16:00

ive been seeing cruse for the last 6 mths ish -and do find helpful

she makes me cry (good) helps me with my guilt (dh committed suicide april 2011) and gives unbiased views

obv your situation is different but hope counselling helps xx

ILovePonyo · 04/07/2012 16:08

Just seen this thread, I have rang CRUSE today for bereavement counselling, my dad died 2 months ago. Just waiting to hear back from them.

Just wanted to say OP that I'm really sorry for your loss, what a horrible situaton for you and I hope the counselling helps in some way, however small.
I think it is normal to feel drained afterwards but maybe speak to your counsellor about it at your next session, you have to look after yourself and if you have a small baby I'm sure you're tired enough already!

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 04/07/2012 18:42

Am still struggling today. All I've been able to think about is what's happened. It's good to know that this is normal. Had to force myself up and out the house today. I've also let myself think about some stuff that I'd hidden away, I suppose that's why I'm so drained.

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Nonio · 04/07/2012 21:01

It tends to be when you start talking in this environment nothing is off limit. Congrats on getting out of the house today especially as you had to force yourself. Sounds odd but it would have been much easier to stay put x

zeno · 05/07/2012 10:21

Ican, bereavement counselling for me is exhausting, and the after effects can last for days at a time, so you're not alone.

I think you're right that in facing the things we don't want to we have to go through the pain. Often I don't want to go because I know it will likely be grim afterwards and feel like a setback, but it is right to go anyway. The alternative is continuing to stuff it all away in a secret box, which unfortunately won't keep its lid on idefinitely.

Sometimes it helps to space sessions out a bit more to give you some more time in between to recover.

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 05/07/2012 10:35

Thanks Zeno.

Am still feeling it this morning. I'll think on spreading the sessions out as I really didn't expect the impact to be this huge. I feel as fragile as I did in those first awful few days.

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zeno · 05/07/2012 10:47

Oh I do feel for you. It's awful isn't it? It takes a lot of courage to knowingly put yourself back into those feelings.

Spreading out is good in my experience. Also telling a few close friends that I'm fragile helps. I don't go into detail, but it means they know I'm needing a bit more tlc and gentle handling.

For me, the impact varies. Sometimes I come away feeling lightened - it depends what we've been talking about. This week for me was very very hard and it's knocked me for six. I'm meant to be working but simply can't muster the concentration as my sleep is all messed up again. Hence dipping in here for company.

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 05/07/2012 11:09

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been going? How frequently do you go? I've got my birthday week after next, that's going to be hard enough so may miss that week anyway.

And don't let me stop you working!!!

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zeno · 05/07/2012 14:39

I've been going on and off for six years (multiple bereavements). I tend to have a patch of sessions and then take a break for a while, restarting when I feel the need.

Avoiding weeks when you want to pay attention to other things is a good plan. I shouldn't have gone this week as I knew I had a lot of work on, but I still get it wrong sometimes. Thankfully I have understanding managers.

My experience has been that the hardest work seems to be about 3 to 6 months in, and then things ease up a bit.

I've had the same counsellor the whole time. Not through cruse. She is really quite marvellous and has been instrumental in keeping us functioning.

If we were irl I'd give you a great big squeeze now. It will get easier to live. You will find a way to be in this new landscape. It won't always feel as terrible as it does now.

whiteandyelloworchid · 05/07/2012 14:45

i am so sorry for your deep loss.

i lost my son in feb and am thinking of looking into counselling too

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 05/07/2012 23:22

whiteandyellow so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? Im hoping that counselling will help give me some coping mechanisms. The lady at Cruse was lovely when I called them up and it did take a few weeks to arrange. If it feels like the right thing then give them a call. Love to you.

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Original poster

IcanandIwill · 05/07/2012 23:25

zeno it sounds like you have been through hell. Lots of love to you. I hope you are doing ok now. With my first session I just talked a lot. I've never had any counselling before and as I said in the OP I didn't know what to expect. Is this how things usually go?

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