What to send/do in this situation

[ThisAintKansas]

A friend has recently lost one of her twins at birth. Th other is very poorly in hospital and she is unsure what the prognosis is.

In this (obviously awful) situation, would you send anything? A card, flowers etc? Or would that be totally inappropriate?

We have had text conversations, and I have said I am there for her in any capacity - to cook, clean, do school run, talk or listen. Is that enough? Is there anything else I can do? It is such an horrific situation for my friend, I am not sure what the right thing to do is.

TIA and sorry if this upsets anyone or seems insensitive.

p.s. this happened 10 days ago, and at the time she said she could only face texting people.

Maybe send her a text saying 'I'm not expecting a reply, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and would help in any way I can'.

Keep in touch by text, if that is all she can manage at the moment.

Leave cooked meals, such as lasagne/shepherds pie, on their doorstep.

Offer to do school run, as I am sure they won't be up to it.

My friend sent me a little silver angel when something similar happened to me.

Cards are lovely but I must say I hated the flowers.

cece has made some good comments - she's unlikely to be up to making decisions about what needs doing, so just do it.
The school run sounds like a good one - if the child knows you well. Maybe say you will do the school run next week unless she asks you not to?
Also, and I'm sure you wont be like this, don't ask what you can do to help, agree to do it, and then not do it - that's worse than not offering in the first place bitter, me?

I am not sure if she needs school run help, as she has an au pair. Also, her nextdoor neighbour runs a catering company and has been doing meals and soups and stuff, for her husband and older children (friend is at the hospital most of the time). All the practical stuff seems to be taken care of.

We have had a few text conversations (latest one on Weds).

I like the silver angel idea. She is a Catholic, so would that be OK? (Not clued up on the RC faith).

She has three older children, who are friends with my kids. I was thinking I would offer to pick them up (dont need to come in or do small talk if she isnt up to it, au pair can do handover) and taking them out for a day or even just to hang out at mine and have lunch. What do you think?

Just from my personal experience. Obviously things that work for me may not work for everyone and you know her best. You sound like a lovely friend to her. I have some friends like you who have been amazing, I couldn't have coped without them.

It was easier for me when people actually just told me what they were going to do for me, eg I will drop round dinner for you all tonight so you dont have to cook. So many people said they were there for me which I am 100% sure they would be, and would do anything that I asked, but didn't actually offer to do anything specific and I didnt feel up to asking if that makes sense? Someone left food on my doorstep for days, and still not sure who it was.

Also, like ajandjjmum says, texts are so nice to receive, and I didnt normally reply to them but some people texted every few days without fail and that was really nice. I also could not face phonecalls, still cant really its much easier over text.

It was also good when people offered to take my other children for me so that I could organise things and just spend time in bed, on days out with their own children or just after school etc. Ironing was also a helpful one. School runs are also a massive help as the school is one of the worst places for me to go.

I would say that a card and flowers are a good idea, I liked to receive them it shows people are thinking of me and acknowleding what has happened. However, my little boy was a little older and it was different circumstances, so other mums may say different.

Just something to think about in the future too, I am 3 months out now and most of the text messages etc have stopped as people are returning to their normal lives, which is hard but of course they should. I would really appreciate those little texts still saying that they are thinking of me, and would still take up any offers of help as I think people totally underestimate how exhausting grieving is.

xxxxx

http://www.redbubble.com/people/carlymarie/works/7513589-when-only-one-baby-comes-home-from-hospital?c=107741-pregnancy-and-infant-loss&card_size=4x6&p=greeting-card Here you can find a very nice card you could send to her.

grr try again Here

I'm Catholic and you can get mass cards (you send off a slip when you write out the card and mass will be said for the person for a year). These can be comforting and let the recipient know you are thinking of them, and could provide comfort and hope at a tough time.