Oh, your poor friend. Very brave of her to ring you. When my beautiful Mia died six months ago, I just sent texts. I didn't want to speak to anyone on the phone, as being the focus of their grief was too much on top of my own. That might happen to your friend.
Things will be moving very quickly for her. It will be very surreal and nightmarish for her. She may not be sleeping or eating, and she may not want to talk. Her DD may have to have an inquest, and it will have been opened this week. She will have seen a funeral director, and may need to be organising the service to celebrate her daughter's life (that's how we phrased it) as well as food afterwards. All things you never expect to do for your baby. My sister was the one who did all the communications to friends and family with all the arrangements, which helped so much. Does she have someone to do this?
She probably won't know how you can help her. She may not want to ask for help. I didn't. Instead, my DH and I asked people to give us their ideas, and then we could decide to do it or not, whether it was a simple dinner, going for a walk, coming around.
- listen to her words about her beliefs, and follow her lead. For example, I didn't want anyone to say that Mia was an angel, or that God takes his best-loved children... that just seemed all wrong to me
- write to her, but don't say her DD is in a better place - what better place can a little girl be except with her parents?? Letters and cards do help.
- if you have any photos of her DD, send them to her or a close family member
- we have asked our friends and family to record their most vivid memories of Mia, and we are putting those together in a book. You could offer to do that for her.
- Do check that she does have family around to support her, don't assume that she does.
- Send over some meals, whether with Tesco delivery or home-made, either for her family, or for all the people staying with her.
- Send her regular loving texts, but don't expect a reply
- when you visit, now and forever more, always, always allow her to speak about her daughter. The worst thing you can do is not to mention her DD - she will always be present in her mother's mind. Don't allow her to be forgotten.
- remember important days in your calendar - her birthday, monthly anniversary dates of the little girl's death (always a hard day for me), Mother's Day, important life events like when the little girl would be starting school... and let her know you care.
- above all, please avoid the question "How ARE you?" Even in six months time, it may be difficult to answer. I still find it a very personal question, even if it is a very normal and natural one. How she is at any moment in time (and that is how you measure it) will be evident in her demeanour and conversation.
When she is ready, there is a bereaved mothers' thread here where your friend can share her love for her little girl. Sadly, there are a lot of us there. However, there is amazing support from a lot of wonderful people too.
I hope that this gives you some insight into this terrible time for your friend. Your love and support will mean so much to her. Of that, I am certain.