Has anyone any advice about whether to view loved ones body?

[buickmackane]

My lovely, lovely, wonderful dad passed away on Wednesday. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks previously. He only began to feel poorly in February so it's all happened very fast.

I spent as much time as possible with him when he was ill (actually we were rarely apart more than a day before then). I saw how agitated and confused he was on Tuesday so when I got the call early Wednesday I was prepared for it and felt relief that he wasn't suffering any more.

Mum was with him when he passed away (in a hospice) and asked me to come in straight away but I'm a single mum of 3 and couldn't get anyone to be with the kids and obviously couldn't take them with me :( By the time my friend got here the moment had passed and mums sister was with her so I didn't go.

Today is the day dad is available to see and I'm pretty sure I want to go and see him but I'm afraid to go incase it's a mistake. Has anyone any advice please? Which would I most likely regret?

First of all - let me say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I hope you and your Mum can be a source of strength for each other.

I have viewed the bodies of 2 close relatives who have died, and although it triggered an immediate out-pouring of grief in one case, it hit me later in the other - but on both occasions it gave me closure and a certain piece of mind.

I personally found that although I expected to see my Gran lying there, in fact what I saw was a shell, and in some ways she didn't look herself, but that wasn't a bad thing as it made me accept she had gone and I felt glad that she was no longer inhabiting her pain-racked body and was therefore at peace.

I think you would regret not seeing him more. I think it is definitely a case of trusting your instincts and if your gut reaction is to see him, don't over-analyse it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My only experience with this is when my grandmother died (4 yrs ago) and I accompanied my mum and aunt to see her when she had been embalmed. To be honest I didn't like it much - she looked 'scrunched up' to me and not like my Nan at all.

However my mum and aunt seemed more comfortable with her and spent ages holding her hand, neatening up her appearance and generally saying their goodbyes. So since it's your dad, you may feel comfortable with him in the same way.

In any case, if you decide it was a mistake you can always leave and focus on a lifetime of memories instead.

I really hope that helps. Good luck with the viewing - sending un-mumsnetty hugs...

Buick I am very sorry for your loss. If you feel pretty sure you want to go and see him, I think that you know the answer to your question. My father died last year and I sat with his body for a short amount of time, just to say good bye. It did not look like him to be honest, but not scary either. It just reinforced that he had gone. Remember you can just pop in, you do not need to stay for ages unless you want to. I also printed out a picture of him looking happy (at my wedding) and i look at that often, so when I think of him I picture him happy and healthy. My personal experience is that viewing the body did not change this.
Wishing you peace and strength whatever your decision.

I went to see my aunt. She looked so so different and I wasn't prepared for that but I have to say it helped me realise it wasn't really her there iyswim?

It really helped me to see that her body was such a different part of her and that all her personality etc was with us and not being cremated.

Sorry for your loss.

Hi Buick. Sorry you are going through this.
When my Mum died (sounds very similar circumstances to your Dad - only a matter of weeks after diagnosis, but was in the Hospice), none of us had managed to get there to be with her as she passed, but my Aunt (her sister) wanted to go in to see the body and my sister was adamant she didn't, so I went in with her, and, I'm so glad I did. My Mum just looked really relaxed and at peace. All the strain in her face over the last few days / weeks had gone, and she looked really, really peaceful. It was definitely the right thing for me. When my Dad dies the following year, he didn't look any different from the way he did when he was asleep the previous day tbh.
I really didn't find it at all frightening either time, and I was very pleased I'd gone into my Mum, especially, as it was good to see her looking (this is going to sound odd) so much "better" than she'd looked for weeks. Just 'at rest' or 'at peace' with the world.

I saw my mum, and i'm glad I did. She looked peaceful, much more so than in her last weeks. It helped me.

I am so sorry for your loss and understand completely your uncertainty in this situation.

I lost my dear Mum nearly four years ago and I was faced with the same decision as you are now. I decided not to see my Mum after her death, I was very fortunate in being with her when she passed and after a lot of soul searching decided that it was not the right decision for me to see her. I have never regretted my decision. It is such a personal decision to make and I'm afraid only you can make it but I'm sure whatever you decide it will be right for you. I agree with Gin, trust your instincts as they're usually right.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

Like to start by saying how I feel for you at this sad sad time.
I lost my mum quite a few years ago and I have to say she suffered greatly for many years. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to see Mum afterwards and I've had no regrets since. She looked so at peace, as though all her suffering had finally passed. It really helped me come to terms with losing her and meant I found solace in the fact that she had gone to a better, pain free place.

What it boils down to is you've got to do what feels right for you

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you must be feeling.

My mother was also diagnosed with terminal cancer just a couple of weeks before she died, and I found that it was such a lot to come to terms with in such a short space of time (for all of us as a family). It felt in some ways more like we lost her to an accident than to an illness. I tried to take some comfort in the fact that she had lived the last few years of her life without fear or worry, and that she had still had time to say goodbye to people. She declined very quickly and, like you, I was glad that she wasn't suffering anymore.

I was with my mother when she died, and I went with my dad a few days later to view her body. I did this because it felt right for me, and you should do what feels right for you.

It wasn't a frightening experience, but to be honest once she died it really didn't feel like she was there anymore. She had gone and it was just her body that was left. My dad went back one more time, but I didn't as it didn't feel right for me anymore.

For me, I said my real goodbyes to the sky. I know it might sound odd, but saying the things that I wanted to say out loud made me feel more connected to her than saying them to her body. I still do speak out loud to her sometimes, when I'm alone at home. It helps.

buick so sorry for your loss, i lost my nan a month ago and because she died suddenly and i hadn't seen her for a week i wanted to see her one last time, i don't regret this, it laid my mind at ease to see her at peace, my sister didn't feel the same way, she wished she hadn't seen her in the chapel of rest, so i think it a case of you don't know how you'll feel until your there, if you have any reservations at all, i 'd probably say don't go, if like me you feel you have to see your loved one one last time, go for it xx

Sorry for your loss.

In my experience it was incredibly helpful not just to go once, but several times and to spend time there. It allowed us to say goodbye, and as time went on it also felt that he was no longer there and that it was time to let him go.

It was not frightening though it was so sad the first and last time. Overall it was a peaceful experience. We gave instructions that he should be laid out on the bed with no candles or flowers or anything like that, and in his own informal clothes. You can ask to have things as you want.

It may sound strange but taking photos can also be a source of comfort at the time. See how you and your family feel.

I did see my father after he died. It was horrible, but with hindsight I think it helped me with the finality of it - it wasn't him lying there; he'd already gone. It helped me get the realness of it, IYSWIM.

I didn't see my mother, and really struggled with the "denial" stage of grief then - I couldn't absorb that it had happened for a long time. I kept thinking I'd seen her in the street, etc. With my father, I stepped over that stage, probably because I saw the body.

I think you should follow your instincts. My dad died suddenly and I had not seen him for a few weeks previously so I felt the need to be with him one last time and say goodbye. With my mum, I had nursed her at home over her short illness and been with her and said goodbye as she died so I didn't feel any need to see her again. I don't regret either choice.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum to cancer last year and spent time with her for a few hours before she died, and again an hour after she died (I had to take my young DC home inc. 6 week old DS for a little while and sadly missed her death). In all honesty it was awful. Mum had hidden the full extent of her suffering quite well up until the very end but after she died she looked completely ravaged - 7 weeks of morphine had really taken its toll - and I still can't get the image out of my head. I still feel I should have seen her to pay my respects, but it was very difficult and upsetting.

I'm so sorry very for your loss. I saw my Dad after he died and don't regret it. I think I would have always held onto the hope that it had all been a mistake and he would just turn up one day.

Sending you my very best wishes.

Its awful when you lose a parent, and I think you might regret it if you didn't go.

Just be prepared that he will look a bit different to how you remember him in life - my Mum's face was a but puffy and her skin was not a 'natural' kind of colour.

Also, if you touch him, hold his hand or kiss him, he will feel very cold. It can be shock at first.

Take care xoxo

Hello Buick

My deepest sympathies on your loss.

Both of my parents have died in the last year. My dad had a completely unexpected heart attack on the way to his office. He had been a larger than life character and despite being in his seventies, we expected him to live forever (or until he was at least 90, like his mum!). So when we got the call that he had collapsed and died almost instantly, it was simply unbelievable. I still forget that he's gone. It was very important for both me and my mum to see him so that we could try to understand that he was actually not here. I saw him 12 hours after it happened and he still looked like my lovely dad, I got to hold his hand and touch him and say goodbye and it helped a little.

Ten months later my mum got the news that she had end stage lung cancer and less than three months later, she died. I did not see her body and did not feel that I wanted or needed to. We knew her death was coming and I spent much of her final weeks with her saying my goodbyes.

Sorry, this isn't really giving you advice - I suppose I'm trying to say that I did what felt right at the time and don't regret either decision, so do what our heart tells you, not what you feel you should do.

When my dad died (unexpectedly) my grandma tried to make me go and see him, but I really didn't want to. I'd seen him about 10 days before, and the last memory was of him standing by the door with blossom on the trees and the sounds of bees buzzing, waving goodbye. I wanted that to stay as my last memory. Once you've seen something you can't unsee it. Grandma said he looked like he was asleep and she wanted to shake him and say "don't be daft - get up now", so I don't think it would have helped.

When grandma then died 8 years later I went to see her with my mum, and she didn't look like her at all. Just a shell. I'd seen her very ill in hospital a few days before, so it felt right to see her afterwards.

I don't think anyone else can tell you what to do. You don't have to go (grandma was worried because "the funeral director had been to so much trouble and nobody went" ) but it sounds like you want to.

Sorry for your loss :(

So sorry. I wasn't going to see my father but I was waiting outside and my mother and brothers went in and said that they thought I ought to.I was glad that I did-he looked very peaceful, but it was just a shell-my father wasn't there. It helped accept it. Don't get forced into it if you don't want to.

My dad had an open coffin until the afternoon of his body being taken to church in the evening before his requiem mass. Four days the coffin was open for. I was ok after the first time but still felt uneasy going in the room. Was glad when the coffin was closed. It was my mum`s wish that the coffin was open.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad x

I think it helps to see them, it helps with the acceptance stage I think.

It's your Dad, why would it be a mistake to go and see him? x

Sorry I was rude...I didn`t offer you my condolences. Sorry about your dad.

I'm very sorry for your loss xx

I think it depends hugely on a lot of factors.

I imagine that if the deceased was very ill and in pain in their last months or whatever, it can be comforting to see them "at peace".

However, when my Mum died (very suddenly on holiday) I opted NOT to see her. The last memory of her I have is of her all happy and beaming and excited about her holiday. That's the one I want to keep.

I am very sorry Buick. I think it is very difficult to know the best thing to do. My father died suddenly and I managed to get to him a few hours before ( although not conscious ). I did see his body and I regret it. I did it because I wanted to have as long with him as I could but they had made him look odd and it is the picture that I keep having of him in my mind. If I had not seen him though then maybe I would have not really accepted his death. I also dwell too much on his last few hours but if I had the choice now whether to be with him then I can't imagine that I wouldn't . Much of it may come down to whether you feel you have said goodbye. I don't think you should feel you ought to but if, as you say, you think you want to then on balance I would do it as otherwise you will always feel it might have been better if you did.

So sorry to hear of your loss, I know the pain because I lost my beautiful Mum a month ago and life is so hard without her.

I did not see her body because I wanted the picture of her smiling and laughing fresh in my mind and not the chapel of rest image.But everyone is different and some people get a lot of comfort from viewing a loved one's body and seeing them at rest.This was not the case for me, having seen my Dad and Auntie's body I found the whole experience very traumatic and could not get the image out of my head for years.One thing viewing a body confirms is that it is just a shell and whatever it is that makes us individual has indeed gone, where to is a matter of debate.

I'm sure you'll come to the right decision, take care