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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Has anyone any advice about whether to view loved ones body?

44 replies

buickmackane · 07/04/2012 11:31

My lovely, lovely, wonderful dad passed away on Wednesday. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks previously. He only began to feel poorly in February so it's all happened very fast.

I spent as much time as possible with him when he was ill (actually we were rarely apart more than a day before then). I saw how agitated and confused he was on Tuesday so when I got the call early Wednesday I was prepared for it and felt relief that he wasn't suffering any more.

Mum was with him when he passed away (in a hospice) and asked me to come in straight away but I'm a single mum of 3 and couldn't get anyone to be with the kids and obviously couldn't take them with me :( By the time my friend got here the moment had passed and mums sister was with her so I didn't go.

Today is the day dad is available to see and I'm pretty sure I want to go and see him but I'm afraid to go incase it's a mistake. Has anyone any advice please? Which would I most likely regret?

OP posts:

everlong · 07/04/2012 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 07/04/2012 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloooCowWonders · 07/04/2012 17:04

I'm sorry for your loss - you must still be in deepest shock.

It might help if you think of where he'll be buried. Will you want to go and visit the grave or will you feel that he's with you anyway and you don't want to.
Of my siblings, one visits my father's grave regularly; I don't feel anything when I see the grave so go only to reassure my dm...
Maybe this will help you to decide whether to see him one last time.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 07/04/2012 17:06

My Mum died at 50 from cancer she was in the local Hospice I was with her when she died. I viewed her body put pictures in the coffin. Gave me a great sense of comfort.

Original poster

buickmackane · 07/04/2012 23:56

Hello everyone, wow what a lot of dear loved ones. So sorry for all your losses and thank you all for talking about this with me xx

I went and I'm glad I did. It was lovely to see him again. I held his hand and kissed his head many times. My wonderful daddy. I'm crying more now than when I was there which is strange. He was at peace. Just like he was sleeping, and there was no more pain. He looked different, but he looked more like himself than on Tuesday when I last saw him.

Dad told me he wants me to keep his ashes so that he's always with me and the boys. I made a little joke that I would build a shrine with photos and candles and worship at his altar everyday (so sorry if that offends anyone, it was a hard conversation to have). He didn't want to be scattered and I don't think I could bring myself to anyway.

Thank you all again for sharing xxx

OP posts:

heliumballoon · 08/04/2012 05:50

Ah, I'm glad you found the right decision Buick. Sending love to your family for the days ahead.

exoticfruits · 08/04/2012 07:33

I am glad that it was right for you-it is so difficult to advise anyone.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 08/04/2012 07:51

I would say follow your own instinct as much as possible.

If you feel you want to go it will probably be the right thing.

If you go because it feels the 'right thing to do' or because others are (but you are still reluctant) then don't. A DF who did that regreted it for a long time

everlong · 08/04/2012 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 08/04/2012 07:55

I'm so sorry about your dad, and pleased you found comfort in seeing him. I had always thought I couldn't do it and even declined to see my gran a few months before dad died. In tge end I was with him when he died so it made it a bit easier to go if tgat makes any sense.

5inthebed · 08/04/2012 07:57

Sorry about your dad.

DH lost his dad 4 years ago to similar circumstances. We went to see DFIL in the chapel of rest and both DH and I were glad we did as DFIL looked so peaceful, despite his obvious yellow skin (secondary liver cancer).

DumSpiroSpero · 08/04/2012 08:05

I'm so sorry for your loss, and agree with what GinPalace said in fact what I saw was a shell.

When Dh's nan (who was very special to me as I lost my own GP's when I was very young) was slipping away a few years ago, my MIL and I went into check on her and she had gone. It was so obvious the the 'essence' of her was no longer there, and I found that really comforting, that her spirit (or however you prefer to think of it) was somewhere else.

My mum didn't see either of her parents and I know she has regretted it ever since. She has a lot of issues around their deaths that I suspect would have been lessened had she seen them tbh.

DumSpiroSpero · 08/04/2012 08:07

Just read back and saw that you went - I'm glad you found it a positive experience.

Wishing you strength over the coming days & weeks.

bumbez · 08/04/2012 08:14

I'm sorry for your loss.
My father died very suddenly 9 years ago. I was able to see him immediately, I held his hand and said goodbye.
Later at the chapel of rest I declined to see him again on the advice of my mum who said he looked different. My sister didn't see him at all and tbh has had a hard time accepting that he's gone.

BackforGood · 08/04/2012 15:08

Ah buick. I'm glad you did what felt right for you, and that it turned out to be a positive experience for you. We all do different things at these times, but the important thing is to do what feels right for you, and not what you think other people think you ought to do. It's good to cry. Take care of yourself over the coming weeks and months, and come back and chat if you want to.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2012 22:58

sorry to hear about your dad :(

my story is slightly different as in my dh comitted suicide almost a year ago and as i found him and he didnt look too good (iykwim) :( i felt i HAD to see him in the chapel of rest

im glad that i did and he looked at peace

im glad you went to see your dad and you felt it was right x

chipmonkey · 09/04/2012 12:04

I'm in Ireland and here it's the norm to have an open coffin and the body on display right up until the body is brought to the church and left overnight before the funeral the next day. ( We do drag it on a bit!)

I have seen my granny, my aunt, my Dad and my baby dd as well as lots of people that I wasn't very close to but whose funerals I attended.

My granny and my aunt had both been ill before they died and it was lovely to see them at peace. My Dad didn't look "himself" I felt, probably because he was usually smiling in life and had a lovely twinkle in his eye but that doesn't show up when you're dead. still, it did drive it home to me that he had died which I think as a family we needed as his death was totally unexpected. Dd just looked like she was asleep.

readysalted · 10/04/2012 09:58

so sorry to hear of your loss go easy on your self my mum died at the start of march and i tried to block things out by being super organised and busy but now im imploding on myself and i am struggling to be positive i went to see mum and now i feel very mixed up she was so cold and looked very uncomfortable its not a good last mental image for me of my lovely mum in time i might feel comfort from it but at the moment i just feel regret and deep sadness

tb · 17/04/2012 00:49

Sorry to hear about your Dad, and glad that it gave you peace to see him. I went to see my df when he died 25 years ago, and put a letter in the coffin, too.

I don't know if it helped, it's one of those things that you only have a short window to decide - you can't go back and do it if you haven't done iyswim. I was very scared, but dh went with me. I think I just wanted to spend a little more time with him.

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