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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My father killed himself and I feel so guilty

30 replies

soguilty · 02/04/2012 20:49

I am a regular poster (although not in this forum) and I have namechanged for this. If anyone has encountered suicide or finds it upsetting then maybe you should avoid this thread.

A few weeks ago my father took his own life. We hadnt been in touch for about 7 years. To cut a long story short, he left my Mum, was sporadic on contact and maintence and overall was a bad husband but not too bad a dad in the early years but quite neglectful and difficult later on.

His life had desceneded into a total mess with alcohol and he had a nasty side, and I just couldnt deal with this so I cut him off. Funnily enough he walked past me and my children 2 years ago, I stopped to say hello but he continued to walk by. Recently we have passed on the street and ignored each other.

He lived with different women over the years but recently was on his own and struggling and the guilt over the fact that I didnt help him is killing me. He was hanging from a tree for 5 days.
I dont know what I am expecting to get from posting this but I just needed to share this. Maybe counselling is a good idea, I really dont know.

OP posts:

picklepepper · 02/04/2012 20:52

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have much advice, but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I think counselling would only be a good thing after you've been through so much. You sound so strong and level-headed, I'm sure someone soon will have lots of practical advice.

BulletProof · 02/04/2012 21:04

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to make it better for you, I hope someone else can help you soon. My thoughts are with you.

piratecat · 02/04/2012 21:09

you poor love, i am so sorry about your dad.
Can't imagine the mixture of feelings and thoughts you must be having to process. I guess you can't even begin to process something like this. What a shock.

Do you ave any siblings, or someone close to talk to? Do you have a friendly gp who can point you in the right direction for some counselling? x

Original poster

soguilty · 02/04/2012 21:14

I have brothers but they arent natural talkers iyswim. I think I may just book to see a bereavement counseller. I am normally quite strong but I think all of this just may be too much for me to process and with work and small children you get so little time just to think!

OP posts:

BerryLellow · 02/04/2012 21:15

So very sorry to read this, how terrible. I'm sure it's normal to feel guilt, you would even if he'd been in your life. But I do think it would be best to get some breavement counselling, or contact Cruse

Best wishes x

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 02/04/2012 21:16

I'm so sorry. xxx

My oldest friend killed herself. We hadn't been in touch for ages because of her drug addiction. I found bereavement counselling incredibly helpful.

Big hugs to you. xx

takeonboard · 02/04/2012 21:17

I am so sorry. Counselling would be a good idea as guilt can be crippling, but honestly I don't think it sounds as though you have any reason to feel guilty.
Thinking of you, be kind to yourself.

Tranquilidade · 02/04/2012 21:20

I'm so sorry for you. One of my friends had a close work colleague and friend committed suicide and she suffered very similar thoughts to those you describe. Counselling did help her.

You cannot blame yourself for this but I'm sure you know that logically.

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 21:23

Oh, im so very sorry to read this - you know that this is not your fault don't you. He was your father, but due to his issues he chose to isolate himself from you, he did this, not you - you are not to blame. Poor guy, poor you - i second those who suggest bereavement counselling.

RabidEchidna · 02/04/2012 21:28

You have nothing to feel guilty over

Ungratefulchild · 02/04/2012 21:28

It wasn't your fault soguilty. Truly it wasn't, so don't be so hard on yourself. He must have been in a very bad place and suicide was his only way out.

Thinking of you xxx

Original poster

soguilty · 02/04/2012 21:41

Thank you so much. These messages truly help, for some reason I find it really difficult to speak to people in real life.

OP posts:

everlong · 03/04/2012 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

widdles · 03/04/2012 08:08

Please do not feel guilty. My husband and i have been through a couple of suicides of good friends and as much as you can summise what you could of done or said to stop this terrible thing from happening the fact is people are in control of their own lives and you as an individual should never take responsibility for another persons actions.

You will go through a range of emotions and wonder what if but you have to realise you never put the rope around his neck.

I hope you begin to feel at peace over what has happened to you and your family xxx

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 03/04/2012 09:42

This organisation has a helpline staffed by people who have lost people to suicide, and I found them really helpful for information.

Guilt is a natural reaction after a suicide, but it doesn't sound to me as if you have anything to feel guilty for.

I hope you have a peaceful day today xx

Original poster

soguilty · 03/04/2012 09:50

Everlong My brother has a mental illness so we are all very focused on looking after him at the moment and he kept up the contact with my father, despite the fact that my father was quite damaging to his mental health.

My husband is great and listens but maybe is just too close. I have a very good friend who is a social worker and she is giving me some numbers so I will definitely make an appointment. Today I feel strong but I think for my children and my own sake I need to deal with this.

Thanks for all your kind words and to those of you who have been through similar, thank you for helping, it must be hard to delve back into those emotions.

OP posts:

wheredidiputit · 03/04/2012 10:07

So for loss.

I can sort of understand how you feel. I felt very guilty when my dad died (cancer) because we didn't have a great relationship.

please make sure you look after yourself as well as your brother.

everlong · 03/04/2012 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 03/04/2012 10:35

I am sorry your dad has died. I can second the recommendation from sunny , I lost my mum to suicide over 15 years ago now.

It is very different to other kinds of bereavement IMHO, not least because things have often been difficult before the death, and it can feel like a terrible rejection in a way that death from other illnesses do not. And I know I was grieving for the person who had been lost for a long time - grieving for the parent she hadn't actually been to me, IYKWIM.

It is very hard. I wouldn't say it gets easier as such, just that after a while I found I was no longer thinking about it all the time.

Original poster

soguilty · 03/04/2012 10:40

MoaningMinnie That is exactly what I am doing - thinking about the parent he was for a very brief period. I'm glad to hear it does get better and wheredit I am sorry about your father, the lack of a good father is tough enough and its terrible that the guilt just carries on and compounds things.

Everlong I can't imagine what you went through, the loss of a child in any circumstance is horrific, but I can imagine that this was crippling. I am full of admiration for your strength

OP posts:

puds11 · 03/04/2012 10:48

my condolences, i hope that things start to get better for you soon
xx

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 03/04/2012 10:54

I hope you feel a bit more peace soon. Be kind to yourself. I found that it made other people feel extremely awkward - if the fact I have no mum cropped up and they asked what did she die of, they are very embarrassed and it all goes pear shaped.

After so many years, I am truly not bothered by them asking, they didn't know. And sometimes other people's pity was very irritating in some way - it is so different to other kinds of bereavement. I have lost close relatives to cancer etc and while it is very sad, it is often expected and sometimes a relief after a lot of suffering.

Hard to explain. I felt very bitter for a long time. How dare you choose to die - choose to leave us - the feeling that hurting us so much would be worth it for the peace.

I was the oldest of three children and my youngest sibling was at primary school (infants). As my children approach that age it brings it back a bit - how you you leave such a young child.

But they were suffering, tormented. I appreciate that you can feel so depressed that you can't see past how awful you feel and just want it to stop - you are not purposefully trying to hurt anyone, just putting yourself out of your misery.

My mum had some significant MH problems in the last year before she died, I don't doubt we would have had a hellish few years in and out of pysch wards and sections with her if she had survived.

I tried counselling a while later, TBH it wasn't very helpful for me, because I knew how I felt and I understood why, I wasn't conflicted by it just understandably took some time to finish grieving.

everlong · 03/04/2012 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 03/04/2012 11:08

So sorry OP I don't know what to say. So very sorry.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 03/04/2012 11:08

I was 18, nearly 19. Grew up very quickly after that. I am now only about 5 years younger than my mum was when she died, and that is very weird.

DD is 2 years younger than my youngest sibling was when she died and she is so little. And my dad didn't cope that well, no surprise really.

So sorry about your DS everlong , it can be like being part of a horrible club that you never wanted to join

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