I thought I was doing OK - now I'm not so sure

[Vondo]

wee bit background - 4 years ago my DS2 was stillborn at 36 weeks, it happened 6 days before Christmas and I picked myself up and battled through for my DS1. Someone once described me as having acted as if I was OK for so long that eventually I was. I went on to have DS3 nearly exactly a year later and he is a lovely healthy little soul. I really did think I was doing OK until something happened 2 days ago that has well and truely floored me.

The little brother of one of DS1's classmates died in his sleep on Sunday night. He was 4 years old. I used to see the little boy with his mum and 2 sisters walking up to school every morning. I don't know the mum other than to smile and say hello to. I am completely and utterly devastated for the poor family. I feel I want to do something but I don't want to intrude as we don't know each other. DS1 (9) was taken out of class by his Headteacher who said to him that because he had been through something similar that she would like him to look after his classmate when she eventually returns to school - he had already said to us that he would do this and has asked if he can take flowers round to the family.

I feel entirely selfish because I can't stop thinking about it. I'm constantly close to tears and I can't concentrate on anything, I feel really lost, I feel like I'm right back where I was 4 years ago where I'm fighting to stay on track. When I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I can't let myself fall because if I do I'm not sure I will ever be able to pick myself back up again. I can't help but imagine what the poor family must be going through and I know it won't even be close to how they are feeling. This is such a horrible horrible thing to have happened and I feel as if its unfair for me to be so cut up by it because I didn't know the family or the little boy.

Is this because I've never dealt with my grief properly? Is this the catalyst that is going to make me face up to it? I feel so guilty about feeling like this when that poor family are going through this living nightmare.

What do I do? I'm just so lost

I don't want to turn this round to be a "pity me" - thats not what I want at all, that is why I'm voicing how I feel here and not in RL. I need to say how I'm feeling though because I feel like I'm beginning to spiral into something I'm not going to be able to get myself out of.

I will do, I've made an appointment again for the GP but its for 2 weeks time. In the meantime I'm going to research other counselling services in the area.

Now is definately the time to do it.

www.forum.sandsforum.org/

This is the SANDS website, their phone number is on the front page. They may be able to help.

www.childbereavement.org.uk/

This is for the Child Bereavement Charity (I'm not sure, but I think they may only do counselling in Bucks - my bereavement midwife referred me to them).

I can't see the whole thread now, but I believe someone upthread may have mentioned Winston's Wish, which may be of benefit to DS1 (though he sounds as if he's doing fine, but the link is there anyway)

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

My ds1 was born 18 years ago and had a very traumatic birth thankfully he is ok but i think ive always been a bit 'anxious' anyway a pupil at his secondary school was killed in a horrific road accident (teenagers being silly really) well this completely blew my socks off and then online i came across a site where people were actually condemning his Mum and the boys actions that caused his death - I was absolutely furious and said so,shortly afterwards I received an email from the boys mum she was so pleased that id stuck up for her and that her boy was in my thoughts that we struck up an unusual sort of friendship - many evenings I sat chatting online to her and she would ask about my dc etc etc ....although we dont live too far away weve not met up as im a bit 'faceless' to her and her counsellor said it was a great thing to have found a listening ear,maybe sending that card would be a good start for you both?

Thanks Tamisara

I was on the SANDS forums alot just after it happened and have since done alot of fundraising for our local group. I never went to any meeting though which I wish I had done. I'm just waiting on them sending me my username and password again because my memory is shocking!

We're in Edinburgh so I'm not sure if the Child Bereavement do couselling up here - I'll have a wee look though.

Vondo You'd also be more than welcome to join us in the bereaved parents thread. The ladies on there have helped me immensely, and it was an honour to have been invited. Shabba & Everlong, who've both contributed on here, are also on there xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1430257-Too-Beautiful-for-Earth-For-Sylvie-Rose-and-all-our-Angel-Children

What you wrote sounds perfect, Vondo. I am also on the bereaved mums thread. Shortly after dd died, a lady I had never met approached me in the schoolyard. She had lost a daughter to stillbirth. We have a mutual friend but we had otherwise never met. I was so glad to know someone local who had lost a child and touched that she had been so kind as to approach me.

I don't think your reaction is abnormal btw or that it means you haven't coped with your grief. Let's' face it, there is nothing normal about losing a child anyway. I tend to cope very well and then something will floor me.

Thanks everyone - you have all helped me so much yesterday!

I posted the card containing the note last night and a few hours later received a text from the mum. She text "thank you for the lovely card and letter. I am completely broken hearted but your words have helped."

I feel better knowing she knows that I'm here if she needs me. I truely believe that it takes a parent that has lost a child to understand the feelings that overwhelm you.

Well done Vondo. The mum will remember that forever. Don't forget we're here if you need us too x