I thought I was doing OK - now I'm not so sure

[Vondo]

wee bit background - 4 years ago my DS2 was stillborn at 36 weeks, it happened 6 days before Christmas and I picked myself up and battled through for my DS1. Someone once described me as having acted as if I was OK for so long that eventually I was. I went on to have DS3 nearly exactly a year later and he is a lovely healthy little soul. I really did think I was doing OK until something happened 2 days ago that has well and truely floored me.

The little brother of one of DS1's classmates died in his sleep on Sunday night. He was 4 years old. I used to see the little boy with his mum and 2 sisters walking up to school every morning. I don't know the mum other than to smile and say hello to. I am completely and utterly devastated for the poor family. I feel I want to do something but I don't want to intrude as we don't know each other. DS1 (9) was taken out of class by his Headteacher who said to him that because he had been through something similar that she would like him to look after his classmate when she eventually returns to school - he had already said to us that he would do this and has asked if he can take flowers round to the family.

I feel entirely selfish because I can't stop thinking about it. I'm constantly close to tears and I can't concentrate on anything, I feel really lost, I feel like I'm right back where I was 4 years ago where I'm fighting to stay on track. When I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I can't let myself fall because if I do I'm not sure I will ever be able to pick myself back up again. I can't help but imagine what the poor family must be going through and I know it won't even be close to how they are feeling. This is such a horrible horrible thing to have happened and I feel as if its unfair for me to be so cut up by it because I didn't know the family or the little boy.

Is this because I've never dealt with my grief properly? Is this the catalyst that is going to make me face up to it? I feel so guilty about feeling like this when that poor family are going through this living nightmare.

What do I do? I'm just so lost

I don't want to turn this round to be a "pity me" - thats not what I want at all, that is why I'm voicing how I feel here and not in RL. I need to say how I'm feeling though because I feel like I'm beginning to spiral into something I'm not going to be able to get myself out of.

You poor love - and that poor family.

Sounds like what has happened has just unpacked all the grief that you had carefully packed away in some dark recess in your mind, and now it's all come flooding out.

You don't "know" the family well - but that doesn't matter. Send them a note, a card, offer help if they need it - let them know that you have some experience of losing a child (albeit different).

And find a bereavement counsellor for yourself (and possibly your DS - there are counsellors who specialise in treating children) - sounds like you need some help and support going through this now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you're being selfish at all.

I've never lost a child (and am not going to pretend that I can imagine how that must feel), but I have had experience of not dealing very well with other bereavements. After my mother died I threw myself into my wedding planning, and only really broke down at the end of my honeymoon (7 months later). When we came home I asked my GP for a referral into bereavement counselling, and it was very helpful for me. Do you think that might be something to consider?

I'm sorry, it sounds like it has opened up a huge open wound for you. I went to the funeral a few years ago of someone who was a similar age to my dad when he died, who had children the same age as I was, and completely fell apart. I could put myself in their shoes and was so distraught I had to leave - and this was 30 years after my dad died.

As Thumbwitch says a card or note would be good, and then go to your GP if you have a good relationship with them and ask for help - there's no shame in admitting you need/want it, and it might get you started on finding a way through a terrible experience.

All the best.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are struggling so much now. Thumbwitch has written everything I wanted to say really. Take care.

Thank you both. I went to the maternity councellor after it first happened but I didn't think it helped - probably because I was so focused on packing it all away.

I was at the Doctors a couple of months ago and asked about councelling as was told that the local NHS had lost its funding for councelling referrals so gave me the numbers of some private councellors to contact. I never did - maybe I should now.

Sorry took so long to type there that there has been more posts. Thanks all.

My friend has seen my post and phoned me. She knows me so well that she knew that what I've been doing is thinking how devastated as was to lose DS2 and I hadn't had a chance to get to know him so I'm thinking how it must be to have known him for 4 years and then lose him.

I really is opening up something I've buried away!

I want to write her a note but I'm note sure what to say.

Hard one - would it help to think about what you would have liked to hear? Write the note as though you were writing it to yourself, 4 years ago and then of course tailor it as necessary to the other family.

What about:

I just wanted to let you know how sorry we are for your loss.

For a parent, the loss of a child is like no other. It is a position that no-one ever wants to find themselves in and it is a loss that no one else can comprehend. Although we do not know each other I wanted to offer you my support. Although in different circumstances, when we lost Finn when he was born I felt so alone and lost as if no one could ever understand how I was feeling.

Please call me if you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to how you are feeling, my heart goes out to you and your family and wanted you to know that I am here if ever you need me ? anytime, day or night, now or in the future.

My deepest sympathies

Problem is I didn't want to hear anything 4 years ago - I wanted to be left alone and shut myself away. I didn't want peoples sympathy because I didn't know how to do deal with it, I was so focused on making sure that DS1 was OK that nothing else mattered. DH was so focused on me being OK that he was the one that people went to express their sympathy.

Vondo - it sounds really good to me.

Vondo Firstly I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. My DD2 was stillborn at 37 weeks, at the end of October last year.

It is perfectly possible that the death of this little lad, has opened some wounds, and maybe you didn't deal with the grief fully. Everyone deals with it differently, I know I struggle at times, at other times I pretend it didn't happen.

You can still get grief counselling. If you contact SANDS, then they may have a group in your area, they also offer telephone support. Where I live there is also the Child Bereavement Charity (formerly Trust) and they offer counselling. They are based in High Wycombe, Bucks, so I don't know how local to you that is.

I think what you're feeling isn't unusual though. As everlong has said, I think it's normal to feel more keenly, the death of another child, once you have experienced that pain yourself.

I think you should just express your feelings in the note. Tell her how deeply it has shocked/affected you. I'm sure she'll appreciate that. It was one thing having people say they were sorry, but for those who openly admitted it had upset them too, is more special - meaningful.

Offer her any practical assistance that she needs - cooking, shopping, just hand-holding and allowing her to sit in silence and cry.

My DtwinS died almost 30 years ago at the age of 7 months and my DS3 was killed almost 20 years ago in a RTA at the age of 7 years. I pinned on my smile, tried to stand up straight, put one foot in front of the other and tried to remember to breathe. I did it for so long, and still do, that it physically hurt me. Now it takes something as simple as a choir singing to make me sob. I think that we have to 'deal with' our grief properly but I have no idea how to now having come so many years down the line.

I think you should send a card. The words you have just posted are perfect - totally perfect. How wonderful that your DS1 is going to befriend the little girl...that is amazing compassion and please give him a massive hug from me.

Im so sorry to hear about this families loss and sorry that it has made you feel so very sad. xxxxx

Vondo What you wrote is prefect. It says how you feel, without being overbearing. I think she'd really appreciate the gesture. xx

Thanks everyone I think I'll get a card (from the family) at lunch to put the note in and post through the door tonight. I don't think I'll get flowers because you get so many that it can become too much.

DS1 has been brilliant - its times like these that I realise how well he handled losing his little brother and how great he is at keeping his memory alive - he's alway's telling DS3 about how DS2 is the brightest star in the sky and how whenever we see him we should always blow him a kiss to let him know we've not forgotten him.

Vondo DS1 sounds like a little gem. It is lovely that he remembers his brother, you must be very proud - he sounds so grounded and sensitive.

Do think about getting counselling if you think it will help you. It must be hard to carry around all these feelings, even if you have thought they were buried, they can still reappear.

Like every little boy DS1 has his moments but he really is great. He was only 5 when DS2 was born and now at 9 he really is growingin into a lovely sensitive lad (although don't embarass him by saying that!).

Sounds like you did a great job with your DS1 Vondo - he sounds amazing.

Do contact the counselling services available - now is a good time to do it while everything has resurfaced - otherwise your natural instinct would be to suppress it all again and that's not necessarily the best thing to do.