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Bereavement

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Original poster

My Mum died from lung cancer. I'm struggling...

30 replies

maybeyoushoulddrive · 13/03/2012 12:09

My Mum died a couple of weeks ago but it's only beginning to sink in and i'm really struggling to cope with losing her.

I think having the funeral to focus on didn't give much time to think or grieve, but now that life is 'back to normal' I'm really really missing her. It's hard to see the world moving on, but without her. It hurts so much.

Don't know why I'm posting here, just felt very alone suddenly.

OP posts:
3teenhell · 13/03/2012 13:02

Hi Maybe,

I have been here, i lost my mum to cancer 5 years ago.
What can i say...
I didn't greive properly for about a year too busy holding up the DC and my DF. But when it hit me it hit me hard.
The smallest things like wanting to ask her advise, tell her things the children had done set you off.
Yes it is hard to see the world moving on, i struggled alot.
In time i have realised that my life has to go on the last thing my mum would want for me is to be sad about her.

In the last year or so i have managed to remember her and the impact she made on me without getting upset, so time does help

Big hugs x

Gasbluewithlavenderbeads · 13/03/2012 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessTamTam · 13/03/2012 13:22

Hi Maybe, 3teen is right it does get better.

I lost my mum to cancer 20 years ago, she never met my DCs and that still gets to me. But I see her in them quite often and that makes me smile now and not cry.

It is so hard to lose your mum when you (and she) are young and still need her so much, I guess there is never a good time. Your mum is your protection, she stands between you and the world and losing that will always be tough, but it gets better every year, and as 3teen says there will come a time when you can remember her and not feel so sad, but rather it will make you feel lucky to have had her.

It is still very early days for you, and I remember how surreal it all feels and how you want everything to stop and not go on as if nothing has happened. Give yourself a break, allow yourself to grieve and cry and let it all out, that's the best advice at this stage. However please remember it will get better, and your mum wouldn't want you to be sad forever.

Good luck, you are not alone. xx

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 13/03/2012 14:20

Thank you for your replies. It's really kind of you to share your bereavements with me. It does help to know I'm not the only one going through this.

I have a lovely sister and we're doing our best to support our Dad, but we all live spread out round the country and miss being able to hug each otherSad

I'm finding it hard to come back from the school run and not be able to ring Mum... It was what I did first before getting on with the rest of the day. I'm speaking to Dad, but he hates the phone and it's obviously not the same.

Also I'm dreading Mother's Day. How do/did you cope?

OP posts:
PrincessTamTam · 13/03/2012 17:12

Oh yes... mother's day... My mum died 2 days before mother's day, which was just salt in the wound. It hurt like hell the following year when I became a mother myself for the first time, I just couldn't bear it.

But now it's lovely and I see it as a time to properly remember her and all the things she did for me - and also all the things that wound me up about her! I can be realistic now about her, she was funny and clever and wise and she would have been a fantastic grandmother, but she would also at times have driven me mad I am sure!

Mother's day, birthdays, Christmas - they all have to be got through for the first year, possibly two, but after that they get better and better until they are proper celebrations again.

I really feel for you.

X

3teenhell · 14/03/2012 10:10

I agree the first year is bad with days like mothers day , christmas etc. But you just cope. Plan somethign with your own DC to keep you busy i think on sunday.
I am now at the point where these days can be used as princess said to reflect on the nice memories. I also always take flowers on special days to where we scattered her ashes, just helps me to feel closer to her.

Would it be possible maybe for your dad to come and stay for a bit? Might give you both a bit of comfort to be close?

My sister moved back to our hometown when my mum died, i think she wanted to be close to us and my dad was really struggling and i think she felt bad i was coping alone with that.

Keep talking on here if it helps, we can't do alot as such but we can always listen if nothing else
x

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 14/03/2012 13:14

Thank you for your messages. It's really helping to be able to 'talk' about stuff.

I can't persuade Dad to come and stay yet - I don't know why he wont consider it , but obvioulsy it's not right for him just now. We're speaking on the phone a couple of times a day ATM, which is very very unusual for him - he hates using the phone and always used to pass it straight over to Mum! I do wish I could be there though...

Just want Mother's Day over so I can focus on other things.

OP posts:
3teenhell · 15/03/2012 10:17

Nearly the weekend then it will be over soon.

What are your plans for sunday? Try and plan something as keeping busy should stop you collapsing in heap of tears ( been there)

Maybe your dad just needs some time to try and come to terms with it. Maybe he will come and stay soon, i think it would do you both good.

x

PrincessTamTam · 15/03/2012 16:46

Teen is right, organising something for Sunday with your DCs will help you get through it.

Your dad is struggling, and talking to each other on the phone will help, you both understand so well the gap she's left. Getting together is a really good idea, as nothing helps like a proper hug from someone who understands.

x

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 16/03/2012 23:23

Think we're going to the seaside with friends on Sunday. They have a little one year old so he'll definitely keep us occupied and not too many tears I hope. My dd (8) gave me a big hug this morning and said it was from Granny Sad If only it were that simple, but she's such a poppet for thinking it would helpSmile

I hope you all have as happy a Mother's Day as it's possible, thank you for listening to my rambles!

OP posts:
3teenhell · 19/03/2012 10:25

Hi Maybe

How are you today? Did you cope with yesterday?
x

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 19/03/2012 12:50

Hi 3teenhell (love the name!)

I survived. It was lovely to see our friends and to be kept busy. Mum loved the seaside so it felt right to be there - we will be scattering her ashes in the sea when we get them, so it'll always be our special place.

I couldn't sleep last night though, having flashbacks to her last days in hospitalSad I would really like to be able to forget those and just remember happy times, but too soon I guess...

How was your Mother's Day? I'm hoping going by your name that you were made a fuss of?!

OP posts:
3teenhell · 19/03/2012 15:01

Hi maybe

I too have been through the flashback hospital stage and i promise it does fade, but yes it takes a while!

The name is good hey! suitable at times, though they were lovely all wknd and made a fuss. Also my DP's DS who is 5 made me a card ( which i didn't expect) and put a pound in it!!! Bless.

Glad you got through the day and keep posting any support you need, alway here

x

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 21/03/2012 11:46

Good to know it fades, as it's so vivid ATM, particularly in bed at night. I'm so tired, but so awakeSad

That is lovely about the pound in the card! Reminds me of when I was at university. My great Aunt regularly wrote to me and enclosed a pound note with the letter - to go somewhere nice with (she had no idea how far a pound note would not go!) However, I saved up those notes and when I'd run out of money by the end of term, they paid for my coach fare home. I've still got the lettersSmile

OP posts:
3teenhell · 21/03/2012 21:26

Ah thats lovely!!

Night time is hard i think cos don't know about you buts its the only time i stop! And then your head does overtime.

I did use those herbal sleeping tablets to help with this for a bit, but wasn't comfortable going for the proper ones! They did help a bit, made it easier to get to sleep

pinkyp · 21/03/2012 21:27

Sending you virtual hugs. Smile x

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 21/03/2012 22:50

Thank you Smile

I had thought of going to the drs, but was a bit reluctant. I think I'll give the herbal things a go - never tried them before, but a bit of help sleeping would be good!

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 21/03/2012 23:03

It does get better, and even good again. My mum died three years, one months and four days ago of lung cancer, she was only 57. DH and I can now laugh and talk about her without me needing to cry. It's nice to think about her, not heartbreaking like it was.

She's still really a big part of my life, I still think 'I'll just call mum then I'll....' The reality is that she's not here to hangout with her grandchildren, and I'm so sad she never met DS2. But still, I got 31 years of having my mum.

I had bereavement counselling from Maggie's Centre. Maybe that would suit you? I found it very helpful and I can recommend it.

fedupandtired · 27/03/2012 21:57

I could have written that OP. I too lost my mum very recently (secondary lung cancer, don't know where ther primary was), on 28th January. I thought I was doing okay but today it's just really hit me.

I'm sorry I can't offer any help or advice on how to deal with it. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 27/03/2012 23:16

Hello

Thanks for your messages.

Sundaegirl There isn't a Maggies Centre near me - it looks great though and I've had a bit of a look at the online stuff. I know what you mean about 'I'll just ring her...' and you can't. It's really tough. I can imagine I'll be counting the days/weeks/months/years without her too. Do you find you're jealous of other people having their parents around for their grandchildren? I can't believe dd may not remember GrannySad It's such a special relationship, I can't believe it's gone...

Fedupandtired I'm sorry you're going through this too. It does hit you from nowhere - I keep crumbling while I'm driving. No idea whyHmm

Take care of yourselves, please keep coming on - maybe we'll be some support to each other?? xxx

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 27/03/2012 23:31

I am jealous a bit when other people talk about their parents helping out or being grandparents or whatever. It's hurting less though as I accept it as a fact of life, like not being able to speak french or play the piano.

It's really true that no-one's life is perfect and one glance around the Elderly Parents bit of MN reminds me that just 'having' your parents isn't always easy. But, yes, I wish I had my parents back (my Dad died too). The thing is I wish I had MY parents back, so I suppose I don't feel hugely envious of other people because I don't really want their parents IYSWIM.

golemmings · 28/03/2012 00:05

Hi maybe. How are you doing? I lost my mum in November so I know how hard it is.

One thing I'm finding really odd, but actually comforting, is hearing my mum in my daughter. Dd is now 2.7, was 2.2 when mum died but we were in the car waiting at a round about yesterday and this little voice in the back said "come on little cars" which is exactly what mum would have said. Mum had already stopped driving before dd was born so I presume she's learned it from me but I wasn't aware of having said that.

I feel that whilst mum is alive in me and my dd then I don't feel as though she's really gone.

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 28/03/2012 16:41

That makes sense SundaeGirl when you put it like that. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too, I can't imagine how tough that must beSad My Dad had a heart attack last year - it was such a shock and made me really worry about him, where before I thought he was strong as an ox.

Hi golemmings(great name!) Sorry to hear about your Mum. That's lovely about your daughter - they are still with us in spirit, just not in body I guess. My dd greeted the magpies the other day exactly the way Mum had taught her - I criedBlush

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golemmings · 28/03/2012 20:04

That's lovely maybe.

Sundae, I think you have a valid point although I confess to resenting dad after mum died. He became quite seriously ill shortly after mum died and I was struggling to cope with the responsibility of him, the fact that he was an hour and a half away, being an only child and the fact that he was unable to offer me any support. 4 months on he's much better, I feel as though I have my dad back and I'm grateful he's around.

Original poster
maybeyoushoulddrive · 02/04/2012 13:31

Hi, just wondering how everyone is doing this week. I've had a busy few days, which has really helped me not to think too much, although I feel guilty not thinking too much IYSWIM?

golemmings I sort of understand why you resented your dad when he was ill. I keep feeling really cross with dad, he says and does things which are so tactless, and it can treble the grief, instead of making it easier. He just doesn't have a clue about emotional stuff, and I know he's grieving and I should cut him some slack but AAAAGH! Mum was so good at dealing with him, and his hairbrained schemes, but he is a law unto himselfGrin

How do you all cope with family occasions? We live about 4 hours away from Dad and obvioulsy I want to be with him, but my inlaws live about 4 hours in the opposite direction and need seeing too... I just can't be in two places at once...

OP posts: