How can I help my best friend?

[Teaddict]

Her father phoned this morning to say she'd gone into the delivery room to give birth and there was no heartbeat so now she's got to give birth knowing that baby has died. I am devastated for her and cannot imagine her pain right now.

I wanted to ask advice on the best way I can support her now and in the next few years. She lives 90 mins away but I should be able to get childcare on a weekend to go and visit. I have two perfect DDs, I feel so guilty.

My friend's son was stillborn a few weeks after my healthy DD was born. I felt guilty too. She now feels guilty for not coming and seeing my DD, but of course I understand. The best you can do is to let her know you are there for her when she is ready to see you. This website really helped my friend- SANDS

So sad :(

I'm so very sorry to hear this tea.

Firstly, don't feel guilty. Give your DDs the biggest cuddle.
Can you give her a call? I'm sure she'd appreciate it.
Offer to visit if she feels up to it, take casseroles, shepherds pie etc.
Take your lead from her but keep in regular contact. Maybe keep in touch with her father too, he is doubtless also in pieces and would welcome your friendship.
So sad.

So sorry for your friends loss, but please do not feel guilty for having your children.

I would send her a card and write how sorry you are and that you are here for her when she needs you.
Listen when she needs to talk about her son/daughter, and use their name when talking to her, also remember "birthday" and maybe send a thinking of you card , I know it all seems like a long way off right now, but she will be surrounded by people now and I think offering support now and in the long term is something that will be greatly appreciated

Thanks TeddyBear that website is excellent. 17 babies a day stillborn??? How in this day and age can that happen??
I'm positive our friends wouldn't want us to feel guilty but it's v hard not to.
Thanks everyone
X

I lost my baby daughter to what appears to be SIDS rather than stillbirth but the feelings are much the same. Your friend needs to know that you are there for her, so phone and text as much as you can. And keep doing it even when others have drifted away. If you can organise some meals to be delivered or bring them round yourself, that would be a huge help. Sometimes you don't feel like cooking or taking care of yourself.
I would say not to go and bring her shopping etc as sometimes people do that to get you out of the house but then you see baby outfits and even stuff that reminds you of your baby and you can end up crying in the street.
Don't feel guilty that you have your dd's. She doesn't want your dd's she wants her own baby. I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds, but sometimes people seem to pretend that they don't have children which doesn't help either.
Take your cue from her. I wanted to talk about dd all the time, I know some mothers find it very hard. But do make a note of the birthday and remember it.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Teaddict - I lost my son in September in the same way at 35 weeks.

Your friend will probably be in shock and will not know what she needs or whats right now. But please call her and listen, let her know you are there for her. Call even if she doesn't answer she knows you rang that will mean the world to her. Everyone assumed our house was full of family and friends. It was niether as everyone stayed away scared of being near us thinking we needed space. It can be a very lonely place.

Your friend has had a birth experience and probably have held her baby, bathed him/her and dressed him and felt the love for him/her. I describe it, as do many angel mummies, as it being an awful day but also one full of love for my son. If you can read some stories from other parents who have been through the experience it might help you understand what they will be going through.

When you do speak to her let her know when you will call again (in 2 days time) don't offer to help say you 'will' help. Take the initiative, make things easier. Losing a child is a very lonely place. She may seem distant from time to time but she really really needs her friend right now and for the furture.

Please go to the SANDS website as there is advice for as a friend.

Remember she will never get over losing her baby and her baby will always be the first thing on her mind. From now and years to come. She doesn't just need you now she'll need your support forever.

She obviously has a good friend in you already xxx

My friend wrote a poem for our son, another sent us vouchers for his garden and they both kept in consistant contact with me even when I didn't pick up the phone for weeks. SANDS have been amazing for me to if she isn't aware of them make sure she is. Always include her baby in any cards and celebrations to come and mention his name when you talk with her. Her normal is now very different.

No experience of this myself, thankfully, but what I have learned from MN is that parents who lose babies like this often find that it hurts if people don't want to talk about them. They existed, even if born dead they were still born. They will have a name and photos. I think the best thing you can do is to take her lead, but in your shoes when you visit I would probably ask to see photos just so that my friend knew I was comfortable talking about her baby.

That all sounds very convoluted. I'm so sorry for your friend and the fact that you are asking how you can help shows that she has a good friend in you.

Chipmunk and baba I am so so sorry for your losses. Thank you for taking the time to help me and give such great advice.

I'm still waiting for news about how she is, what they had etc, it's hard not knowing but not as hard as what they must be going through right now...

LWW, I am an emotional wreck at the best of times, I can't even watch one born every min, despite having two textbook labours, i think I'll crumble if I have to see photos. However, if this will help my friend I guess it's the least I can do.
Thanks
X

Teaddict You sound like a lovely friend.

Regarding any photos, don't be afraid of them. My Dsis had a stillbirth at 31 weeks. My neice did look slightly different colour wise, but she was just a baby girl and nothing to worry about at all.x

Teaaddict don't worry if you get teary when you see her, see photos, or talk about the baby. A lot of my friends and cousins broke down sobbing when they talked to me. Partially because they had been so happy for us when we had dd after four boys and then were gutted for us when we lost her. ( Not that it mattered what gender she was but I think from the outside it probably looked especially tragic) I honestly didn't mind them crying, I was touched by how much they cared and was moved by how much her little life had meant.

By the way, don't try to find a "bright side" for her. There really is no bright side or anything you can say that will make things better. I say this because sometimes people, hating to see you upset, say really ludicrous things in their efforts to find a bright side. A girl who is a very good friend said that dd wasn't meant to be and also that at least I had the boys. It never seems like your child wasn't meant to be and it doesn't matter how many others you have or that you have the capacity to get pregnant again. Another lady ( not a friend) told me that it was better that dd had died rather than be brain damaged.

Not that I am suggesting that you would say things like that!

The one thing that did help was my aunt who lost two children. She said "You never get over it but it does get easier to bear" I did need to hear that because in the immediate aftermath, I felt so incredibly bad that I really didn't want to go on and it was good to know I wasn't always going to feel that bad.

Also, if you would like to direct your friend towards this thread We are all bereaved Mums, some have lost babies, others have lost older and adult children. We are all a huge source of support to each other.

Chipmunk I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for some really helpful suggestions and what not to say. She got pregnant straight away with this baby and I expect a lot of people may want to focus on that as the "bright side"...i.e. at least she knows she can get pregnant etc etc But as you say this is no consolation.

What do you think her feelings may be towards having another one? I know everyone's different but I was wondering if she'll ever feel ready to go through it all again...

Most of the ladies on our bereavement thread seem to want to get pregnant again straight away or ASAP. I feel the need for another baby but had a hysterectomy when I had dd which makes that a tad tricky! But I think if I could I would. Not to replace dd because there is no-one like dd. But just to help heal the hurt by having a baby to hold. But if she does get pg again, don't underestimate how much having lost the previous baby will affect her. She will have a tremendous fear of it happening again and may need support through it.