My dad died yesterday -practical things to cope?

[SubOptiMum]

my dad died yesterday of a heart attack. He was 76. I am in bits. My eldest daughter is 2next week and my youngest is only 3weeks old (and EBF but with issues so worried about how feeding will be affected). I am devastated that dad never got to meet DD2 as we had cancelled a visit due to start Monday as felt it was too much at min :(

We are going to stay with my mum and bro today. Very worried as my bro has mental health problems and my parents were his full-time carers- not sure how my mum will cope being sole carer (bro is 27 and okish but currently hard to engage and needs reminding re. Tablets etc- he seems to be taking news fine at min)

What practical things can I do to help my mum and bro but also looking after myself too? My dad did everything financial etc so there will be a huge amount to sort out. My mum is still sorting probate for her own father so will be massively stressed.

Just feeling very numb and lost at the minute. I want my dad back.

Oh you poor girl, what an awful situation for you and what a horrible shock, of course you want your dad back. You have my sympathies, I am so sorry

Practically there will be the funeral to arrange, alerting members of the family and friends - do you feel strong enough to do that? Fielding visitors etc.

I would firstly see how your mum is feeling and see who else you can rope in to help, does she have a close friend who can take on some of the general tasks?

How very sad for you that he missed seeing your lovely dd, to you.

So sorry for the loss of your dad.

In practical terms, we found [http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Death/WhatToDoAfterADeath/index.htm this]] useful.

Friends and family will ask if there's anything they can do. Take them up on it - perhaps some meals, support for your mum and brother ( and you - help with the DC?). Your children may well be a lovely comfort for everyone right now.

Hugs from me too.

Sorry link

Just wanted to say so sorry. Your first few lines could have been me, I lost my Dad to a heart attack yesterday too, he was 56 and just going about his normal day. Its such a shock.
He was carer to his wife and my sis who are both disabled. My Dad also did most of the family organising. I cant really offer you advice as Im in the same boat but make sure you eat and rest (not that I have done but...). I doubt the news will sink in for a long time yet as there is so much to sort out. Some minutes I'm fine then all of a sudden it feels like a bus has hit me. I had a good relationship with him but feel guilty and Im not sure why.
Anyway Im thinking of you, xx

Oh I'm so sorry Cloudpuff. Let's handhold through this together :(

How are you feeling today Sub? hope you managed to get some sleep last night, strangley I slept really well.
I'm really struggling with the idea of seeing his body, I dont really want to but also dont want to regret not seeing him, if that makes any kind of sense. Maybe seeing him will make it real, which I know it is but don't really want to face it.
I'm off out to help step mum sort funeral arrangements which is going to be really hard, I knew all this stuff had to come one day but honestly thought he had at least another ten years or so left. Just wish Id told him I loved him when I last spoke to him.

So sorry to hear your news. Everyone will be busy for the first few days - things to organise, calls to make... It is after the funeral that the family will need support.

Don't see him if you don't want to. It's not him anymore - his spirit is elsewhere and he would not want you to upset yourself by seeing his body at rest. I didn't see either of my parents and do not regret that. Funeral arrangements aren't too bad to do, funnily enough. Try to think what would have made him smile.

Make sure you are all eating and resting properly. I am sure your dad would be cross with you if you made yourself ill. There is time to make all the calls, write letters to the bank etc later on, so don't feel that ou need to be rushing to get everything done it is a time for the family to focus inwards and get your strength up before along with the rest of the world.

You may not have got to tell him that you loved him, but he knew.

Oh no, I'm so sorry. :(
The main thing you can do for your family is just to be available, after the funeral: When everything gets back to a kind of normality, just without someone, is the most difficult bit in my experience. So, in the weeks after the funeral, ring her, go round if you can. You can help each other. I think our family coped with the death of my mother by always thinking someone was feeling it worse than us IYKWIM- Grandparents were trying to be strong for us kids, and we were doing the same for them.

One thing that really helped me was keeping notes in a little book. I wrote down exactly what I felt, and it was very cathartic for me. I found that notebook a few days ago, and I wrote down dreams and worries and panicked thoughts in there.

The pain does ease. My mum was very young when she died, but I have reached the point where I can think of her and be happy for the lovely person she was, not sad at the loss of her.

At home now. Mum is on panicked autopilot. Dad's pyjamas are still on the end of the bed. :( feels so strange. I slept ok last night as did baby- 3hour night feeds but couldn't get back to sleep after 4am feed so that was tough. How you doing cloudpuff?

Think I will go and see him and take DD2 as she is so little it won't traumatise her but I really want him to meet her even though I know he isn't there any more. Plus having her with me may help me not fall to pieces.

Love the notebook idea- will do that Belleend

Oh SubOptiMum, I do feel for you. It's such a weird, somehow otherwordly time.
I think that seeing the body can help, but do prepare yourself for it mentally beforehand. It's very very weird to see the shell of someone you love, because they're so obviously not in there IYKWIM... I always worried I'd have trouble letting go of the physical person, but once I saw her, I could see that she was no longer there. I think taking your DD2 is a great idea, because you'll kind of have to keep it together for her.
My thoughts are with you. x

Taking your Daughter is a great idea and Im sure it will bring you great comfort. You could always hand her to family if you feel yourself going to pieces and need time on your own.

My Dads pjs were also still on his bed, his wife slept cuddling into them. Arranging the funeral was surreal and I'm very grateful to my step mum for including for including my brother and I in decisions, shes treated us no different to her own children.

The notebook idea is really good, I started mine last night as although I know a have a great family and friends behind me I'm finding it really hard to talk to them for fear of making them more upset or making them feel sorry for me, writing a few bits down really helped.

The funeral is over a week away so if I choose to see the body I have time to change my mind, i have learned he cut his head when he collapsed and to be honest I dont think I could cope with seeing that, and I know that he is gone so I dont think seeing his body will help me but then I feel guilty for not doing so, like Im leaving him alone or something. Maybe I will wait until he is with the undertaker.I dunno.

I hope you and your mum are managing to eat, its so easy to forget when so much is going on. Thinking of you all.

Saw my dad glad I took DD2 so at least they were in same room at one point and said I love you and goodbye but it wasn't him it wasn't my dad it was just a body. I knew dad had gone then. Was more shocking than I expected so think carefully cloudpuff I really don't want to remember my dad like that and will have to work hard not to.

How are you eating and drinking cloudpuff? That's something am struggling with- constant knot in my tum- food tastes like sawdust. Bad as am breastfeeding a 3week old. :(

Tomorrow meeting funeral director and need to sort lists. I am an executor of will. Yikes.

Oh, I'm sorry it was so difficult to see him SubOptiMum. I remember having that at the time but I was really glad I'd done it once it came to the funeral- My mother was cremated and I think I'd have freaked out if I hadn't seen that it was not her, it was only a body.
Both you and cloudpuff are doing really well just to cope from day to day.
Try to eat and drink even if you don't fancy it- It will give you a bit of a boost, and you need all the energy you can muster.

So sorry for your sad losses, SubOptiMum and cloudpuff.

On apractical note for your brother, SubOptiMum, you could contact his community mental health nurse/worker and explain that he may need additional support at the mo.
They will be more than willing to either phone him or do a home visit, even if this isn't needed at least they will be aware of the situation in case his illness does get worse.

Take care.

I'm sorry that you've lost your dad, SubOpti, and you cloudpuff.

In practical terms arranging the funeral will keep you busy through the shock period, you'll be surprised at how much there is to do and your undertaker should guide you through it.

I saw the bodies of both my parents. It traumatised my brother and he barely looked around the door of my mum's hospital room as he really struggled with the after effects of having seen dad. I was more comfortable with it and each time I spent a little time with them before they were moved immediately after they died. I had no desire to see them again after that (dead, I mean, I'd do anything to have them back alive!). I don't know if it's possible to know in advance how seeing the body will effect you.

If you're finding it difficult SubOpti having that image in your head you could try what I did when I had flashbacks of their illnesses and as soon as I realised I was having a flashback I would replace that image/train of thought with a happy memory of them when they were well.

Best of luck to you both, just put one foot in front of the other for now and the rest will come in time.

Met with funeral director today. Chose cardboard coffin as knowing my dad he would prefer a couple of big Lidl boxes! Haha.
Got to choose some clothes for him to wear and sort the funeral readings. Feels good to have plans to do.

Hi sub how are you doing.
I am managing to eat and drink but like you it tastes like sawdust. How is your Mum and Brother coping?

Reading your post has made me decide I am not going to see his body. I kind of knew I wouldn't but now I'm certain. Step mum has been going everyday to spend time with him and Im worried how shes going to cope after the funeral. My younger sister is finding it hard, she has learning difficulties and shes struggling to get her head around it. I really wish I could do more to help them but I cant be there as much as I'd like to because I dont live near them and I need to be home for dd, I feel really bad for leaving my Brothers to cope with it all.

Most of our plans are made so its just a waiting game now, we took his clothes to the undertakers yesterday, hes wearing his favourite jeans, man utd t shirt, baseball cap and his slippers, he absolutley hated wearing suits. We have chosen to play Eva cassidie's Songbird in the church. Everything seem to have been organised so quickly. The funeral is next friday which seems forever away. Tuesday morning seems like a lifetime ago. Do you know when your Dads funeral is going to be?

I'm going to try and catch up on some housework today, dp has been helping but I like things done my way ;) Keep looking after each other and thank you for the lovely messages.

Hi cloudpuff, sounds like you are doing well under circs. My dads funeral isn't til Friday 17th. My mum wanted the time to prepare. We left mum and bro's today to drive back to Somerset and try and beat the snow -good job we did. Will have to go back up in a few days once snow clears but this time just me and newborn. Toddler is at nursery and h has to work (plus toddler makes sorting arrangements hard). Is good you looking after DD. Our kids can help us through this. A welcome distraction. I feel horribly guilty but with all that is going on toddler is getting raw deal as priorty has been mum, bro and newborn. My MiL is coming tomorrow to take her out so we can sleep/feed.

I am sorry for your loss, my father died last night/tonight, not sure what it classes as as its 4.40am, and I feel overwhelmed by everything, including the practicalities too. Hope you are all ok, xx.

Oh queensconetta am so sorry. Do you have people with you. You must be in shock. I am up feeding a baby with bronchiolitis (never rains but it pours!) so am about to chat if you need.

Currently I can't grieve for my dad because newborn is so ill (and not gaining weight so priority has to be sorting her but in a way that's ok as gives me a distraction. Is my toddlers second birthday today too)

Sub, you poor thing, so much to deal with at once. It must be a strange limbo period. It was 7.55pm he went so all home in bed now but struggling to get back to sleep.

Hope you're toddler has as nice a birthday as possible, xx.

The insomnia following a bereavement is the worst. No-one about to talk to and all you can think about is the loss of a loved one. :( why the Internet is fab to reach out too. At least it's almost morning so you can be with family then?

Just pumping madams top up then going to try and get us both back to sleep. May not happen!

Hope you managed to sleep sub, xxx.

My advice is that when somebody asks if there is anything they can do, give them a little job. So 'yes,would you mind phoning Readers Digest and stopping the subscription' or 'could you get some bread and milk' etc. my mum did this when my dad died and I know that it helped people to feel useful, as well as helping us with the practical things that needed to be done.

So sorry to hear your news queen, you must be feeling awful. Everything will feel overwhelming as there is so much to take in. Im thinking of you.

Happy Birthday to your toddler too Sub, it was also my sisters birthday on Sunday, we just tried to keep everything normal for her as shes still not really grasping that he's gone due to her learning difficulties. She needs it repeating several times a day.

I'm feeling pretty low today, can you believe it happened a whole week ago? I'm also finding the grieving hard, I've only cried once when I recieved the call.

Im thinking of you both today xx