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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My father died last night. I'm heartbroken.

40 replies

nkf · 02/01/2012 17:29

First shock now terrible sadness. Feel so sorry for myself. It's been a hard hard year and I can't cope with this tragedy.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 02/01/2012 17:31

Oh I'm so sorry. Have you got a hot drink and a jumper on? Hideously practical I know but you're in shock and you must keep warm. Turn up the heating and put on another pair of socks too.

Then do you want to talk about your dad a bit?

Hulababy · 02/01/2012 17:31

I am so sorry.

DCSsunhill · 02/01/2012 17:38

Oh NKF. How sad. My mum passed away in May. It is so, so hard. Go slow and be kind to yourself.

Toobluntforsleighbells · 02/01/2012 17:39

So sorry for your loss. Look after yourself.

Original poster
nkf · 02/01/2012 19:18

Thank you, people. Thank you very much. I've lit a fire, NL and am sitting here, thinking about him. He was old and he'd been very ill but then he seemed to get better and I thought we'd have longer but he died without warning. Or not immediate warning.

OP posts:
Midge25 · 02/01/2012 19:20

Just read and couldn't not post. So sorry to hear your news.

Tobermory · 02/01/2012 19:23

nkf, so sorry to hear your news.

I lost my Dad 5 years ago (i had to count to check)
Life now is less painful but i still miss him immensly and we think/talk of him often.

Have you got someone with you?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 02/01/2012 19:24

Oh. nkf, we don't know each other but I have seen you around. So sorry.

Do you have someone there with you?

Northernlurker · 02/01/2012 19:26

A fire is an excellent thing.
That's hard for you - that it was unexpected after you'd braced yourself before. I hope it means though that he was spared any suffering? That's little enough comfort I know.

catinboots · 02/01/2012 19:26

Are you alone??

banana87 · 02/01/2012 19:33

I'm really sorry Sad un-MN hugs

soaccidentprone · 02/01/2012 19:34

Oh lovey - what a crap start to 2012. Take things easy, look after yourself and give yourself time and space to grieve in whatever way you need.

How's your mum? Do you have any siblings and/or friends you can talk to?

Ingles2 · 02/01/2012 19:35

I'm so sorry nkf Sad

ToothbrushThief · 02/01/2012 19:38

NKF - words fail but I couldn't ignore you -I would be utterly heartbroken. Remember the good times and know that he would wish you to be happy.

Original poster
nkf · 02/01/2012 20:00

All those things that won't happen. He lives - lived - a long way away and I was planning on taking the children to see him this year. Now I've left it too late. All those things I meant to do and didn't do. Feel so sad. For him and for me.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 02/01/2012 20:09

Well look - there's always loose ends. Even when an expected death occurs there's always something else we wish we'd done. With a sudden death those feelings are all the more acute. You can drive yourself crazy with 'if' or you can be glad about what has been - and be sad too of course.
I believe your dad is home safe and and nobody loved can ever be lost to us.

LadyBlaBlah · 02/01/2012 20:14

Really sorry nkf. You do sound heart broken.

Just run with it is all I can advise. You will cope. But even so, it is still really really hard, upsetting, sad, lonely, confusing, scary, all-consuming and overwhelming.

Many hugs Smile

Tobermory · 02/01/2012 20:15

nkf. i can completely relate to the what ifs, the lost opportunities, those things thatll never be.
I found out i was pregnant 6 days after I lost my Dad, she would have been his first grandchild. She is his first grandchild. To this day am i so saddened by those lost chances but we still talk about him, she knows him, she talks baout him as if she knew him, , even though that sadly never happened.
I cling on to what amazingly wonderful times we had when he was here. I could drive myself loopy labouring over what might have been. But i cant changed that can i ? And i know for a fact he would have just hated that. So instead i think about the good.

Northernlurker · 02/01/2012 20:18

Nkf - for you and your dad

Northernlurker · 02/01/2012 20:18

That's a link to a song btw in case anybody is scared to click on it fearing who knows what - just realised that post is rather enigmatic!

knitknack · 02/01/2012 20:26

I'm so sorry Nkf, I'm so so sorry...

Please don't feel guilt or remorse - you know he wouldn't want you to.

My mum died suddenly and I was full of the same feelings and the guilt was just crushing until eventually I had a dream/visit when she just held me and asked me did I not think that there were things that she felt guilty about too and that she now knew that guilt was a completely wasted emotion most of the time!

It's awful and horrible and agonizing, losing someone, in fact I want to type all sorts of rude words it's so bloody awful. I'm so sorry.

Please look after yourself, show yourself the love that you show to others. Also, the only thing I could grasp onto at the time was that Mum had taught me even more valuable lessons about what is really important in life, and wasn't she wonderful for giving me that important knowledge on top of everything else she'd done for me - you father, with his passing, will have passed on this understanding and knowledge to you too, just as he has passed on so much else and I think that he would be proud to know that he'd done that for you, his daughter.

Original poster
nkf · 02/01/2012 20:35

I know he would hate me to be all remorseful. He was such a fun loving person. Very irreverent and with a great sense of humour. It's just so sudden and my mum died about 10 years ago. And I feel orphaned. I'm ever so old and have children of my own but suddenly I feel like a litlle orphaned child.

OP posts:
nowwearefour · 02/01/2012 20:36

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Lilyloo · 02/01/2012 20:37

i am so very sorry x

clippityclop · 02/01/2012 20:41

He sounds wonderful. Perhaps when you're ready you might write down all your memories of him to share with your children. Take care. x