The funeral is now booked - should the dcs come?

[mckenzie]

He was their beloved F (their name for him, he was mother in law's other half). He's going to be cremated. They are 10 and 6. I think they are both too young - what do your think?
6 yr old DD is asking questions every day - what's he doing right now? Did he have his phone with him when he died? Do they sleep in heaven? Will he celebrate Christmas? Did he take his gardening gloves with him?
10 yr old DS just gets angry then sad and remembers all the special times they have spent together and then worries about his Nan.
I think maybe he is old enough to come if he wants to but DD is too young and it seems unfair to let one come and not the other. Gosh - this is all so hard isn't it? Should I ask their Nan what she would like maybe?

What do they want to do?

I think if they would like to go you should let them

i went to my grandpa's funeral when I was 5, and my Grandma's when I was 8.

if i had not been allowed to go i'd have been incredibly upset

My dc were only 3 and 5 when their 'Grandad that sings' died (my dad). I didn't think they should go to the funeral and stand by that decision. I didn't hold back when around them at home (crying etc.) but am glad they didn't see their close relatives esp their Nanny so upset. My dd (now 4) still asks lots of questions about her Grandad, the cremation, where he is now and if she can see the ashes!!!!
Your older child may well benefit more than your younger but only you can decide really. Hope it all goes well.

If they wanted to come I'd certainly let them. I think the funeral is a good way of saying goodbye and an important part of the bereavement process. DD was 5 when she went to the funeral of a close family friend and for lots of people there, having a young child around was welcome and a nice diversion.

Mine went to their great grandad's at that age because they wanted to be there. We explained what it would involve, that they might see lots of sad people, tears etc but they still wanted to come. We sat near a door and told them that if they needed to leave, they could. Neither did and they were both glad they went. It didn't cause them any nightmares or problems.

Death is a natural part of life, sadly.

I've lost my grandpa and grandma within the last few months and my dcs came to both funerals (one church, one crem). They are 7, 6 and 4yo and they were all absolutely fine.

We talked beforehand about what would happen, especially about the committal part of each service and how people would be sad and cry because it is the final goodbye.

It was actually really good to have them there, the 4yo was a bit bemused when my mum completely broke down at the graveside but he wasn't worried by it and even went to give her a cuddle.

Personally I would let them go. I think excluding them from funerals makes them more worried about death and dying if they just have to imagine it, rather than actually seeing what happens.

I've also found that being completely honest with them every step of the way has helped them understand. They asked to see my Grandpa in the Chapel of Rest so I took them and they handled that brilliantly too.

I think as adults we worry about this type of thing far more than we need to and that children are far more resilient and able to cope than we give them credit for.

Yes, they are old enough and they loved him. They should definitely go.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven't asked them yet Hulababy as I want to talk to DH about it first in case he has any strong views either way. From the response I got from DS when i told him it had been booked, I've got a feeling he won't want to go. He didn't want to see out cat after he died last year whereas DD was very interested and quite happy, albeit upset, to see his body etc. DS is a very sensitive soul, bless him.

sorry, more replies came while I was typing mine .
Do you think I should ask MiL though and respect her view if she doesn't want them there or should we just decide ourselves?

That's a trickier one. My mum was more than happy for the dcs to come to Grandpa's because she wanted them to be able to say goodbye too but I think sometimes the older generation can be more reluctant to involve children.

What about asking her from a 'the children would like to come and say goodbye' point of view, rather than 'how do you feel about the children coming'? IME you're more likely to get a positive response if you put it in a positive way.

Thanks LadyD, that sound like a very good idea.

I would support letting them go if MIL is in favour. Mine were 7 and 5 when FIL died and we didn't let them go. My 5 yr old was ill whilst we were at the funeral, high temperature, sore tummy etc. I later found out she'd been imagining what was happening and thought her grandad's skeleton would be on display. It would have been much better if we'd let them come with us.
My own dad died last year and DN aged 5 and 9 attended. The 5 year old even came to the front holding his mum's hand whilst she did a reading.

DS has said he doesn't want to go because it will be too sad.

If they're old enough to understand that there will be sad people there I would give them the choice. Shielding children from grief and real life doesn't help them in the long term. They need to see that grief and mourning are a natural part of life.

I would take them. I was shielded from death as a child and not taken to funerals. One of them being a sibling who died unexpectedly. Consequently, I was totally unprepared for my grandmothers recent funeral. I am 34 and was totally at loss about the whole thing.

Death is normal and feeling sad at the funeral is a part of the grieving process. If your ds was close to F, he may regret not going later on.

All the best

Sorry for your loss, OP.

The charity Winston's Wish helps bereaved children (usually their parents or siblings have died) and they have advice here on their website about children attending funerals.

thanks guys. Pookamoo - that website is very helpful. Thanks for the link.

It probably depends slightly on the service but both my grandparents' funerals were 'celebration of their life' type affairs so the services themselves weren't especially sad. Everyone shed a few tears - for me the hymms are the hardest part, they always make me cry - but on the whole we were all quite composed.

My personal feeling is that your ds is more worried about the idea of the funeral because it's all so unknown to him and he is having to imagine it all. I think it's very likely that his imagination is making it far worse than the what the actual reality will be.

Could you suggest to him that he comes and you/DH will sit beside him somewhere that he can leave if he wants or needs to? I truly think he will find what happens at the funeral a lot more bearable than his idea of it is.

Obviously you know him and I don't but I would try to persuade him to go if I were where you are now.

Cat - is that maybe more about the age of people who tend to die?
EG - my grandad died last year at the age of 97, my two (1 and 3 at the time) came in the funeral car and everything and sat with my ILs in the church, who took them out for fresh air when needed. They were the only children under about 12, but that is because Grandad didn't know any other children - he wasn't close enough to his friends great grandchildren for them to feel the need to come, most of the people he was close to were his age or at least over 70. My ILs are at funerals loads these days, but they are retired, and so thier friends only have to be ten or so years older before they are old enough to die quite often. My DC don't know thier grandparent's friends well enough to attend thier funerals.

My first funeral was when I was 21, and I had no idea what to do, apart from what I had seen in films. I wish I had been allowed to go and see relatives off when I was a child. Apart from anything else, and I hope this comes out right, I think it is good to go to funerals where you weren't all that close to the person before someone you are really close to dies. Although I know that doesn't apply in this case.

My children are coming to my mum's funeral. They are 2 and 6 weeks. Dad would rather they weren't there but he lives an hour and a half away from us and we have no child care options near him. Obviously DS at 6w isn't an issue but everyone locally that I would trust with dd will be at the funeral.

There will be a burial in the morning and a memorial in the afternoon. Tbh, I think it will be too much for dd but

...there isn't really an option.

Sorry premature send on the phone.

Thanks for those comments. So sorry for your loss golemmings.