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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

The funeral is now booked - should the dcs come?

46 replies

mckenzie · 16/11/2011 21:17

He was their beloved F (their name for him, he was mother in law's other half). He's going to be cremated. They are 10 and 6. I think they are both too young - what do your think?
6 yr old DD is asking questions every day - what's he doing right now? Did he have his phone with him when he died? Do they sleep in heaven? Will he celebrate Christmas? Did he take his gardening gloves with him?
10 yr old DS just gets angry then sad and remembers all the special times they have spent together and then worries about his Nan.
I think maybe he is old enough to come if he wants to but DD is too young and it seems unfair to let one come and not the other. Gosh - this is all so hard isn't it? Should I ask their Nan what she would like maybe?

OP posts:

golemmings · 20/11/2011 13:18

Mckenzie, what did you decide in the end? I'm having second thoughts about dd coming to the burial. I'm struggling to explain death and gone as concepts to a two year old and I think the idea of a coffin containing granny's body being put into a hole in the ground will be far too traumatic for her.

One option is for DH to stay behind with dd but I'm not sure whether my need to have him there out weighs my desire to not have dd present. Its a hard one.

Original poster

mckenzie · 20/11/2011 19:40

DD is definitely going. She's written a letter to go in the coffin, planned what she's going to wear and all sorts. My mum will be there so if she changes her mind at any time she will take her out. DS is still unsure but I don't think he realises that DD is going - that might help make his mind up.

Sorry to hear about your situation golemmings. Do you not have anyone at all who could help you out?

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golemmings · 20/11/2011 22:48

Your dd sounds lovely and very grown up. Our other option is mil who has said she will do what we need her to, but I'm not sure she'll be free.

I have loads of support and offers of help from friends local to us... It's just they're all a couple of hours from where we need the help!

Original poster

mckenzie · 21/11/2011 18:43

where's the funeral golemmings? Could a Mumsnetter come with you to look after your DD should the need arise?

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headfairy · 21/11/2011 18:48

Its a tough one. It was my grandmother's funeral last week and I didn't take my dcs because I do think they are a bit young (22 mos and 4.2) and actually I'm glad because I got very upset by the funeral. I wasn't expecting it, and to be honest it wasn't the reason I didn't take them, but looking back now I think they would have been very distressed to see me upset. My sister took her dds though, they are 5 and 9, her eldest even did a reading and though they both shed a few tears they impressed me immensely with their grown up handling of the situation.

shitmagnet · 22/11/2011 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mckenzie · 22/11/2011 19:14

thank you. I asked DS again tonight but he's still saying he doesn't want to go, even with the proviso that at any time he can leave with his Grandma (my mum). I'll have to respect his wish and hope that we can deal with any come back.

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TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 22/11/2011 19:25

We recently went to a family funeral, a celebration of life really for an elderly family member. The family were almost insistent that the children came and because it wasn't a crem or a coffin but more a memorial we were happy to comply with their wishes. Sadly out of all the people that came the one negative person was the vicar who hadn't known the family member but was just taking the service, he stopped it and asked if the children wouldn't be better off somewhere else. We felt obliged to take them out, as that is what his words pretty much implied and the way they were said. Everyone who attended was furious with him, as a) they weren't making a horrific noise and b) they were wanted by everyone apart from him. Sadly for the vicar the collection tray looked a wee bit short. They did however brighten the wake no end and everyone was so pleased they were there - let me put it this way no end of people came up to me and the other mothers and said how irritated they were at his suggestion that we leave.

Incidentally at my daunts funeral, none of her children wanted anyone there bar her immediate grandchildren. That was very much the right decision and we all respected that.

All in all, I can't tell you what the best thing is however I do think that asking the children and discussing it with your MIL is the best thing, if she really wants them there perhaps you can persuade ds? If not then perhaps she might want them at the wake? Talk to her, if you don't you may end up doing the wrong thing and upsetting her more which I am sure you don't want to do, it might be worth saying that you are worried that ds doesn't want to come but will do your best to persuade him? Ask her.

choirmum · 22/11/2011 19:36

My MIL died in early October having been poorly for some months and my DC aged 12 and 9 were both at the church service and cremation. DH wasn't sure at first but I felt they were old enough to make their own decision. The only thing that would have stopped me taking them would have been if FIL was very against it, which he wasn't. If you can explain exactly what will happen and why it's happening, and that it's absolutely fine and normal for people to be sad, you should let them go. There was talk of them sitting with my parents at the back of the church but I felt they should either be there with the rest of their family, travelling in the funeral cars etc, or not there at all. It was the right decision but I think only because they knew what would happen from the hearse arriving at the house to the curtains closing at the crematorium - no nasty surprises. Good luck!

Original poster

mckenzie · 22/11/2011 22:05

thanks for your posts. MIL had originally said that she assumed the DCs wouldn't come but she knows DD wants to come and she's okay with that.

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maxmissie · 22/11/2011 22:17

golemmings is there an option for your dd to stay in the car during the burial if it can be parked nearby? When my dh's grandma died in January my dd (who was 3 then) came to the funeral and was fine reading magazines and eating chocs (!) and then sat in the car on her own during the burial (the car was very close by and we were only out for about 10 mins) - she was fine doing this but was a bit older than your dd.

Think it is a difficult decision to take children - generally think they should go as death is part of life and much better to understand it and what happens when someone dies than be more removed from it and then it be more difficult to come to terms with it when older. I wish I had been given the choice as to whether I could go to both my grandfather's funerals when I was little. But the only funeral dd has so far been to was her great grandmother who she wasn't very close to and neither was I and my dh wasn't really upset at the funeral, if it was someone closer to me/her (e.g. parent, sibling, friend) where I was very upset and she might be too then I might have a different take on it.

golemmings · 22/11/2011 23:54

Hope it goes well mckenzie. Please let us know how your dd gets on and whether your son changes his mind.

We have arranged for my mil to come up and stay at home with dd during the burial which means they will both miss out on lunch (mil is coming to by train but I don't think she will be prepared to drive my car to come and meet us) but we will pick them up and take them to the memorial service in the afternoon.

Original poster

mckenzie · 28/11/2011 19:57

so, DS did change his mind. . I explained to him that it wasn't an event that he could say no to, regret, and go again another year etc.

He decided to come and he and DD were fantastic. Yes, they got upset but they behaved impeccably and I think gave some comfort to those closest to them. I think it was the right thing that they came.

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golemmings · 29/11/2011 00:41

Really glad that it all worked out and that your DS decided to go, Mckenzie.

Original poster

mckenzie · 29/11/2011 09:41

thanks golemmings. When is your mum's funeral?

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golemmings · 30/11/2011 06:15

Hi mckenzie, it was yesterday. Took DS to the burial and the pub which was fine but we forgot his coat so the poor child was tucked into daddy's coat to avoid the bitter wind and mizzle but was so toasty warm at the end he would have been far too warm in more clothes.

Mil took dd to the park just before the cars arrived (to avoid the awkward questions) and they both joined us for the memorial service in the afternoon.

Dd was fabulous but did steal all of the family's orders of service because they had a picture of her granny on them and then proceeded to plauy snap with her 'grannys'. she behaved so well I was really proud of her and lots of people came up and commented on her excellent behaviour and wanted to take her home. Overall it all went really well.

trumpton · 30/11/2011 06:27

Aw ! Granny snap. Bought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye.

Original poster

mckenzie · 30/11/2011 15:01

ditto Trumpton's message.

So sorry for your loss golemmings. I hope that soon your happy memories will be more powerful that your grief.

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coolragdoll · 30/11/2011 20:53

My father died last year and my first thought was not to take the dcs-age 5 and 12- but I'm so glad that they came in the end. I had a difficult relationship with my dad which they were aware of, but they were devastated by his death to the point that the eldest couldn't even talk about him. However, the funeral allowed them to see that there were many people who loved and admired him and that it was okay for people to be sad. They gave me great comfort and made the day so much more bearable. I'm so glad that I didn't have to come back to them with them wondering what 'secret' things had gone on. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

Original poster

mckenzie · 30/11/2011 21:02

sorry to hear about your dad coolragdool but I'm glad you are happy with your decision re the funeral. The funeral for us was on monday and both the DCs came and I'm so pleased they did. Even MIL, who was rather reticent to start with, said she was really pleased they were there.

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maybenow · 30/11/2011 21:09

in my family children have always attended all funerals (my family are catholic - wonder if that has a bearing?)
i went to my first aged about 5 and my cousin's child went to her grandmothers (my aunt) at about 4.

the other kids (i don't practice) are use to church so maybe that helps.

either way, i have always found funerals to be bareable and often quite comforting but maybe cause i got used to them early (four grandparents died when i was between the ages of 5 and 21)

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