Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I just have to write this down.

61 replies

fluffythevampirestabber · 15/10/2011 21:05

I'm sorry this is just going to be rubbish spewed out of my mind.

DD1 is having her birthday party today. She'll be 13 in a few days.

She's having a lovely day with her friends (I did shopping/sleepover last night/more sleepover tonight/they're in the kitchen baking).

but her twin died and I had to walk away because Ijust couldn't see past that there should be two of them in there making cookies and laughing

13 years and it hurts tonight.

Sorry

rambiling igonre me please.

can't see for crying

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 15/10/2011 21:26

Sorry that wasn't really in the spirit of the thread but it made me laugh Blush

OP posts:
YougreatPumpkinmousse · 15/10/2011 21:31

I was going to ask earlier in the thread how you were surviving sleepover number 2 :)

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 15/10/2011 21:43

Sleepover??? Sleepover???

Never was anything so badly named as a sleepover. Grin

Thanks folks for the hand hold when I was wobbly.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 17/10/2011 05:54

I'm back to crying again.

Just got up to see The Upgrade off (he has to get to work) and he's left and I'm sitting crying again.

Why? Why now? Why this year?

Oh I don't know. Ramblings of my uncensored mind. Ignore me.

Probably doesn't help that I am still exceptionally tired after the weekend

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 17/10/2011 06:22

Oh lovely.

Sometimes when we least expect it, our grief comes to bite us on the bum big time. We think we're pottering along well, and then suddenly, out of nowhere we get knocked sideways by a wall of grief that has come completely unexpectedly. But you know what? It's ok. It really is. Your baby died. You are allowed to grieve for her. It doesn't matter if it's been 3 months, three years, 13 years or thirty - pain is pain and grief is grief. There is no time limit to it.

I think the best you can do is to just go along with it, ride it and see where it takes you. But please know, we're all here for you as you do x

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 06:51

13 years ago today, at 3.15pm, I delivered my daughter Megan and her twin Robyn who was stillborn.

I just want to say her name and I want her to matter just for one day.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 07:05

Say her name as much as you want and she DOES matter. She matters to you and your family and she matters to me.

I have lost 2 children - not at the same stage as you - but I understand the hitting you out of the blue feeling.

prioneyes · 20/10/2011 07:06

(((fluffy)))

fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:09

Fucking stupid bitch I am.

Just asked for my own post to be deleted because I put Dd1's name.

Hopefully HQ will delete it and so the thread makes sense,
I'll put the post again :

She hung on long enough to make sure DD1 made it.

I am so thick

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 07:12

No you are not. She is your daughter and you used her name, she is personal to you and therefore you personalised your post.

GingerbreadLatte · 20/10/2011 07:12

Thinking of you Fluffy.

Not posted before but have been reading your posts over the last few days.

Do something nice for yourself today if you can.

take care

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:18

Thanks folks.

I feel incredibly self-indulgent talking about it so much I don't know why this year so much - normally I'm honestly not this self absorbed

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 20/10/2011 07:24

Oi missus. You are not being self indulgent by speaking of your daughter. Now, get your arse over to our thread - sounds like you could do with a natter x

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:27

Yes boss Wink

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 20/10/2011 07:36

Oh, Fluffy. Massive ((hugs)) from me this morning. Don't feel that you are being self-indulgent, it is good to remember Robyn. She is always going to be part of your family, and her loss will always be part of your family.

Happy Birthday to your daughters.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 07:39

Thanks all.

Fuckwit just turned up to get Dd1 (she has a hospital appointment this morning and he is very reluctantly taking her as I was supposed to be in uni today but it got cancelled) and he is just so good at winding me up it's ridiculous.

I know I'm being over sensitive but it's hard you know? And life goes on and I can't wallow which is probably a good thing really wallowing wouldn't be good

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 07:59

You are allowed some "wallowing" but that isn't what it is really.

Ignore fuckwit. Remember he can only wind you up if you let him. I know that is easy to say but really, tell yourself you are not going to let him get to you anymore and it will soon come naturally.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 08:06

Normally I'm ok with it and I laugh at him you know? But this morning he's just got to me - it's stupid and I know it's me being an idiot but today he got to me.

But then again, I need to remember thats why he's the ex Grin

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 08:27

You are not the idiot here.

Who is the one with the upgrade? Who has to live with himseld 24/7....

Geordieminx · 20/10/2011 08:39

You have had an emotional week, you need to be kind to yourself. And remember there are no rules to grief!

Happy birthday to your beautiful daughters.

Did fuckwit bother with a birthday present btw?

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 09:01

Fuckwit, so far, has not bothered with a birthday present but he's having them tonight so now doubt there will be a cake and candles and a card and a party later on no fucking chance

The Upgrade. I am doing uni work all day and then he is coming up here for the evening. I can't wait to see him.

OP posts:
Geordieminx · 20/10/2011 11:49

He really is a waste of skin isn't he?

Hope you have a peaceful day, and remember, be kind to yourself!

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 20/10/2011 11:59

Well, it's her actual birthday today, but she was very disappointed he didn't give her money for shopping on Saturday (my ears have just about recovered) she reckons he'll give her a card (which DD2 will have badgered him into) and money for her bank account that he holds which she can't touch until she's whatever age he decides and I think she is probably right.

I have run out of chocolate so am going for a very unhealthy chip shop lunch, will pick up more chocolate and then try to do some study.

OP posts:
Geordieminx · 20/10/2011 12:05

My dad was like that when we were growing up. There was never anything extra, always the bare minimum. Tis why I told him to fuck off when I was 18 and haven't seen or heard from him since (12 years). He has never in that time attempted to contact me, send a xmas or birthday card, he knows that he has a grandson, but still nothing. Much better off without him.

OOOh chippy lunch sounds fab! Treat yourself and get a pot of curry sauce too. ((((((looks miserably at tuna sandwich))))))