FINALLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM - 4mths on

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Most of you know my dh committed suicide and i found him a few months ago as was so depressed he just felt he couldnt cope with life any more:(

i actually thought i was doing ok - had the odd bad day but bumbling along but the past few days i have totally hit rock bottom - have been in a total mess - really not coping and in constant tears and feeling so down

Finally saw my doctor yesterday saying i really wasnt coping and he said he was surprised it had taken me so long to go to him

that most widows (god i hate that word) appear a few weeks afterwards asking for help but not me, taken nearly 4 mths to properly fall

apparently i am very strong and stubborn and i was just running on adrenalin till now

He offered me antidp's and I said no - ive seen dh hooked on them for 15years on and off with his severe depression - I'm not depressed as such but he said 4 things generally start depression

Bereavement
Stress of jobs
Relationships
Financial

I have all 4 so I'm prime target but I also have amazing strength and I'm stubborn

I did ask him If he thought I really needed them and he said no and I feel the same

I'm going for proper grief counselling - tbh Not sure it will work but I'm ready to try - where before hand i wasnt in the right frame of mind

so yes i will get there, as i dont have a choice but god its so tough and my heart still feels in a million pieces :(

Good luck for today Blondes , It will probably be exhausting for you but hopefully will help .

Sorry blondes for my late reply - I am having therapy (less than I did but I am still having it) because of my husband's illness and death, he died nearly four years ago now.

Trust me, it does get better and you do get stronger. But you need those people holding your hand and helping you along, in whatever form they do that - I wish lots of that support, it's invaluable.

she was good - was here almost 2 hrs and she said im a tough little cookie and need to cry more - that she could see i was holding back

thought i did cry - bloody sobbed :9

but feel good :)

I do think of you often Blondes but haven't the faintest idea what to say to try and help .

Oh I'm glad she was good! Hang on in there and I agree with what flicka said about letting whatever people are doing that is helping keep helping (does that even make sense!!?) Some friends will stay the distance and some may not xx

Blondes, so glad that she was good. Are you going to keep seeing her?

If you ever need a crying "aide" (and I'm sure you don't really) then I recommend Truly Madly Deeply. While my reason for needing to use it was in no way as severe as yours, I found it did "unblock" deep recesses of tears that were refusing to come for more than 30secs at a time, and I had a good 2hour bawl after watching it (and during!).

If you haven't seen it, be warned that it involves a woman (Juliet Stevenson) whose OH (Alan Rickman) died on the operating table through allergy to anaesthetic and her journey after that - he comes back as a ghost and all his ghosty friends live in her flat. It has a lot of humour as well but the sad bits are heartrending. Anyway.

Have another (((hug))) just in case you wake up/are still awake in the middle of the night and need one. :)

Oh blondes thought this might be you. Thinking of you. What happened with job that means you looking?

Hello B..... Really glad you had your first session with the Cruse counsellor today. I'm confident it will prove to be a positive thing. Sending a hug x

i have seen tmd but didnt really hit the spot with me - backdraft sets me off and ps i love you

book arrived today - amazon is bloody fast

giraffe my youngest will be at nursery 2 ams and they want the nanny to clean/iron and i wont do that - so they have made me redundant and got a nanny/hk starting in sept

tbh i think they are mad as by the time she has done the nursery run/walked the dog and made tea as 2/3 nights they older 2 have clubs and not back from school till 5pm, then there is maybe an hour left (if that) to do the cleaning etc

what will happen (i think) is that the cleaner will end up staying on and doing a few hours to cover up the downfall - therefore no real need to get rid of me as the nanny/hk cant fit it all in - let alone when kids on holidays as we are always busy either on play dates or taking to football/riding/tennis clubs etc but hey ho - bloody bad timing :(

:( blondes.
I hope you get a new employer soon with lovely charges. Can't believe your old employers are being so mean at this time in your life. :( :(

its bad timing but we discussed it a week before dh died and i said then i dont want to clean etc

im a qual nanny who trained and studied at college for 2 years not a cleaner

but while my life was totally turned upside down and i was/am completely devastated and trying to sort out my life, they obv continued with the job search and found someone about 8 weeks ago to start sept

many friends and even mums at school feel that they should have kept me on till least xmas or even this time next year when youngest will be at full time school - but i wouldnt want them to keep me out of pity

well I hope your new people are lovely then whenever you find them.

thanks honey - me too x

Thinking of you , my husband died of SADS in January, I didn't really feel much until June when it hit me like a brick wall. The past few months have been hell but CRUISE have helped and my children have been brilliantly supported by Winston's Wish. When I am feeling really bad I think of the Winston Churchill quote "When you are in hell, keep walking". People who have been through this tell me it does get better and I hope it does for you.

im so sorry ilove thats so tough :( i have heard winstons wish is briliant x

Oh Ilove, that's rough! Did you tell anyone on here? I didn't notice a thread (not that I see everything but I'm on here enough to notice most things).
I'm glad Cruse have helped you through. How many children do you have?

I have 3 two DD and 1 DS, all in their teens, this is the first time I have posted, I have recently started posting on the Tamoxifen thread, I just felt that Blonde should know that it is fairly typical to be able to run on auto pilot for a few months but then the finality of it all hits you...

Well I hope you have been having some good support in RL, Ilove. So :( that you are going through this as well, and your children of course. Such an awful time to lose a parent (although no time is a "good" one). My DH lost his Dad just prior to his 18th birthday and is a little bitter that his Dad wasn't around to guide him more into adulthood.

Glad the cruise visit went ok, was that an introduction visit or will they now come every week? Its good that they come to your house where you feel comfy and can relax.
I didn't use cruise when DH died as I had our McMillan nurse who stayed with our family until 16 months after steve died, she was involved for the ten months before steve died as well. The kids got support from a local charity.
Do give me a shout if you're around on FB.

hi OJ it was the introduction visit and now trying to find me a counsellor of my own, though it may be her - but she keeps in contact with me by ringing

That's good then, did she have any time scale? I think it is different for each area so some areas quicker cos they have more staff. I hope you get a worker soon.

sadly no timescale - may be a few weeks/months but as i said she rings and keeps regular contact, which is nice

I have only just seen this new thread blondes, I agree with OJ it's good that the counsellor can come to you in your own home where you feel more comfortable. I think of you often, I don't know what to say but can always listen xxx

Take care

thanks trimmer x