FINALLY HIT ROCK BOTTOM - 4mths on

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Most of you know my dh committed suicide and i found him a few months ago as was so depressed he just felt he couldnt cope with life any more:(

i actually thought i was doing ok - had the odd bad day but bumbling along but the past few days i have totally hit rock bottom - have been in a total mess - really not coping and in constant tears and feeling so down

Finally saw my doctor yesterday saying i really wasnt coping and he said he was surprised it had taken me so long to go to him

that most widows (god i hate that word) appear a few weeks afterwards asking for help but not me, taken nearly 4 mths to properly fall

apparently i am very strong and stubborn and i was just running on adrenalin till now

He offered me antidp's and I said no - ive seen dh hooked on them for 15years on and off with his severe depression - I'm not depressed as such but he said 4 things generally start depression

Bereavement
Stress of jobs
Relationships
Financial

I have all 4 so I'm prime target but I also have amazing strength and I'm stubborn

I did ask him If he thought I really needed them and he said no and I feel the same

I'm going for proper grief counselling - tbh Not sure it will work but I'm ready to try - where before hand i wasnt in the right frame of mind

so yes i will get there, as i dont have a choice but god its so tough and my heart still feels in a million pieces :(

Evening Blondes here's the article I was referring to - sorry its a bit long...

After Gregor died numerous people mentioned counselling to me to the point where I felt I was almost expected to have some! What is counselling? What does it do? When do you have it? Loads of questions floated around my head. Friends and family mentioned it since some felt I needed professional support ? little did they know it was them that kept me going in the early months. My employer mentioned it too as if counselling would ?fix? me!

I reckon I was very lucky with the support network around me ? I had an amazing Health Visitor, a fantastic GP and numerous friends who didn?t (appear to) tire of me talking and talking! So exactly what would counselling bring me that my friends and support network couldn?t? I called Cruse in the early months and they said they wouldn?t start counselling someone until 6 months post-bereavement and their waiting list was lengthy ? what happens at that magic 6 month mark I wondered? A GP friend said the same ? apparently there?s research that shows that some of the numbness wears off around 6 months ? perhaps I can see with hindsight that there may be some truth in that but at the time I felt frustrated and fobbed off ? I hated the thought that my bereavement was boxed on a shelf yet in contrast everyone was telling me that grief is so personal and individual. It was all too confusing.

If you haven?t guessed yet I was extremely apprehensive about counselling ? I thought it would be a token gesture so someone somewhere could tick a box. When I asked was there a maximum number of sessions they ?normally? provided for people like me I couldn?t get any straight answers. I was told that they would fund six sessions and then take it from there. I then made a conscious decision one day to take a different view and thought surely some help and support would be better than none. So with an open mind I made ?that? phone call and a counsellor near to my home was located very quickly.

The counsellor called me to arrange our first session and by that time I had a long list of questions many of which were addressed during our first phone call. The counsellor outlined what I could expect: the first session is really just to establish whether she could work with me and whether I would want to continue to see her ? it?s a two way thing. She made it clear I could ask to see someone else after session 1 if I felt it wasn?t going to work for whatever reason. So what would I gain from a professional counsellor that i couldn?t get from my lovely friends? Her response at that time was something along the lines of ?a safe space and time allocated solely to me to explore things I was finding difficult.?

At that time I was still off sick and struggling with even the idea of work let alone coping with social situations. Grief affects us at every level - as many of you will know. What should I say when I?m in the supemarket, hairdresser or the school playground and I meet someone who is just making idle conversation and they ask ?How many children do you have?? or a little more awkward ?and how old are they??

So 14 months after my first session what has counselling specifically helped me with?

• dealing with overwhelming feelings of anxiety
• stepping back through the door at work
• lonely headspace and feelings of isolation
• communication breakdown with family and friends
• whatever I feel with my grief is ok and it is just how it is
• disconnecting events and times of the year with my grief
• not taking on other people?s ?stuff?
• some people who i would have expected to be there for me just couldn?t be
• improving my self confidence

I guess a lot of that seems like common sense and it has helped me tremendously although I do respect it is not for everyone. However if you are considering counselling my advice to you would be:

• it doesn't matter if your bereavement was last year or thirty years ago ? it's never too late!
• you don?t have to believe that it WILL help you but you have to have a belief that just maybe it COULD
• you cannot judge results after a couple of sessions, you really need to give it at least six sessions then decide if it could help in some way

thanks ppm what you wrote pretty much sums up how i feel - though cruse has obv changed 'rules' as my gp said to contact originally when dh died but i didnt feel the need then - so their 6mth rule must be different now iyswim

questions are hard - i wear a wedding and engagement ring and people obv assume im married and ask what hubby does etc at interviews - i have told agencies that they need to tell them he is dead - i dont mind talking about him but they need to know before hand or i cry when asked

my computer man proved that - im def not going to get a job if i cry at an interview

but then again how many familys are going to want to employ a recently bereaved nanny to look after their children :(

i woke up this morning and thought 4 mths today my life changed - it feels so long since i last saw dh/held him/kissed him etc - but 4mths is nothing :(

how do people find the strength to go on - everyone says im strong - i dont have a choice - its get on with life or curl up in the corner and cry or die

Blondes , I am so sorry you are struggling at the min . You will get there but it is a shitty road . I haven't been in your shoes but like ppm my son died and counselling really did help .

I didn't want to have any for a long time . I think for me it was feeling like I was just another bereaved person to them and they would try and fit some sort of pattern to me . I don't know if that makes sense but I just wasn't ready to feel like part of a group of people who had been through similar . It was my stuff and I thought nobody could understand . But I ended up looking forward to my sessions , I could rant and cry and just talk without feeling guilty about making someone else upset which is something I struggled with in rl .

I also hated people saying how strong I was , what bloody choice do you have ? Fingers crossed for a better day today for you .

Also I think the reason why they get you to phone cruise rather than the gp do it is because mentally they think you are more ready if you do the calling rather than just nodding when it's offered .

Blondes - that is pretty much it. I think most people just wake up each morning and put one foot in front of the other, keep doing that and somehow time goes by. Certainly that is the case in the early days and it can go on for months. Life just happens for a while - it takes time for you to actually pick it up and start living it again.

I can understand entirely that you don't want to remove your rings, after all, your are still his wife even though he's no longer here. But you could, if you felt like it, consider either wearing them on the other hand, or wearing them on a chain around your neck. My rings are currently too tight for me to wear comfortably so I have them on a chain around my neck - that way I'm still wearing them. If they are not on your wedding finger then it may avoid the question - but it still may not.

Do you still have something that smells of him? Some favourite jacket or jumper or something? I know it's obviously not the same but sometimes if you put it round a pillow and give it a squeeze it can help.

I don't know if this will help, but there is a theory about grief that was originally referring to people who were dying, but applies equally well to other forms of grief and bereavement.
Kübler-Ross
it might help you understand the process and see where you are.
Apologies if you find it unhelpful.
Things will get better

Blondes well done for seeking some help - it took me a lot longer to be that brave! It is nerve-wracking and I understand how difficult it is to wait for a response from organisations.

Personally I found Cruse less than helpful, but I think that was entirely down to my local branch being a bit crap. If you find you don't click with the counsellor they assign to you, say so. It's important to find the right person with whom you can build the necessary trust, and they will understand this.

Having said that, Cruse and the Samaritans have recently started running a support group programme jointly, specifically for people bereaved by suicide. I took part in one of the pilot schemes and it was amazingly helpful - just to have somewhere where I could come and say absolutely anything about how I felt and know that it would be accepted and understood by the other group members. I know they're planning to run some more groups in the autumn (they are small groups of no more than eight, running for six sessions), so if you're interested in finding out more I'm happy to PM you the contact details.

Suicide bereavement does come with its own peculiarities and difficulties - don't underestimate how hard it is to get through each stage, and how well you are doing to still be talking, thinking about work, just living in the everyday world.

travelling you must be right - i NEEDED to hit rock bottom before admitting and even wanting to get help and counselling - so guess i had to make the first move

thumb no way i can take my rings off yet - i have never taken them off since dh put on my finger 4years ago - i do wear his wedding ring on right hand ring finger - got it resized and i love it

bagel dabba makes sense if ill etc but not so much for suicide as no bargaining - i also do not feel anger - i really dont

star yes please do message me thx x

Blondes , I never felt anger either which was one of the things that put me off talking to someone . Everything you read talks about the "stages of grief" and anger is one of them but I could only feel anger at myself or him and both felt pointless so I didn't bother .

How are you feeling now ? I have been looking out for you .

how can i be angry with someone i love so much who felt so unhappy that he thought killing his self was his only choice/way out of his blackness/depression :(

Exactly ! But I found that the person I spoke to didn't witter on about stages or text book stuff , they just nodded and listened in all the right places and told me what I was feeling and saying was normal .

Hour by hour at the minute is good enough , it does sound like you have got some amazing friends surrounding you , use them as much as you are able .

I'm sorry if you think I meant you should be angry. It's great that you're not and I don't think everyone goes through all the stages. I only wanted to point towards something that said that there are a lot of different emotions or stages you might experience, but eventually you will get to acceptance and a relative peace.
I don't doubt that in the future you will still think of him with some sadness at times, but you will find it easier and you will be able to reflect on all the positive things about him and your life together more easily.
Sorry. I'm not very good at expressing myself.

bagel I know what you mean , all I ever wanted was to be able to think of my son and smile without crying . That time has now arrived (mostly) and blondes you will get there too . It is a shitty road and one where you should grab all the help that is offered .

bagel its fine, i know you didnt mean that - lots of people have said i should feel anger, but i truly dont - and they dont seem to understand that

but then again they didnt know how depressed dh was some days - where others he was fine

i feel great sadness that this was the only route he felt he had left

It is horrible but you do progress even if you can't imagine that now.

You don't have to feel any particular thing - I think the stages of grief are bollocks - it isn't a linear process, everybody does it in their own way, as all relationships are unique, so is the grief after a death.

Grief counselling and therapy after that have helped me. I am at 3 and three quarter years now and can see how I have made progress when I look back now. It takes a while to get to that stage.

It helps to have someone right outside your life to talk to. Friends are fantastic and so is their support but with the best will in the world they might have an off day or not be available. The counsellor/therapist is there for an agreed time, at an agreed time and will concentrate on what you tell them for that time. That can be very useful.

I really hope you can get some help that works for you.

That's fine Blondes - I don't at all blame you for not wanting to take them off, it was just a thought. :)

I agree that everyone reacts differently to grief and that sometimes stages are missed or go in different order to the suggested. In the end, it's a personal experience and whatever YOU feel is right for YOU. That said, sometimes people do get trapped in one stage or another, and counselling can help them move on through to a next stage, before it become pathological.

god im shattered - went for a drink with my boys (dh close friends who do things round my house bless them)

we always go out on the 16th to toast dh whether a drink in the pub or something else - didnt get in till after 1am

received a book from cruse in the post yesterday, so will have a read of that later

myfriend glad counselling is helping you - can i ask why you needed it - who did you lose :(

Blondes, that's a lovely thing to do, go out for a toast! Hope your head isn't too sore

i drove as work today and im out for drinks tonight with other friends - had 2 pear bulmers then switched to diet coke but im sure there are a few sore heads from the others

5months so 16sept we are scattering some of dh ashes (been divided into 5) at sea above a wreck so i know where he is while deep sea fishing - something he loved and all the boys and him were going to do one day

we did it on honeymoon and i was so sick the entire trip - waves so high - and all i kept saying was in sickness and in health lol

so seemed right to scatter hi at sea

and 6mth/birthday gonna have a piss up party at mine and send dh up in a firework as he LOVED those - many a bang was heard at our house over the years

Y'know, Blondes, that kind of reminds me of this book - it may or may not appeal to you under your current circumstances but you might enjoy it. I thought it was ok, a good read, but you might find it too emotional at the moment.

that looks a fab book - have just ordered off amazon - thanks :)

cruse has also just rang - seeing lady tomorrow for 1st counselling appointment

'gulps'

i know i need it but not sure how i feel about a complete stranger knowing all my personal thoughts iyswim

Good luck tomorrow Blondes. Nice idea about the ashes scattering - we also split Gregor's ashes and each chose a special place then chose a family special place too. I know our situations are different but you have been on my mind today and i just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you xx

I think with seeing the counsellor, rather than looking at her as a "complete stranger", look at her as another form of MN but one who is better trained and who might be able to help you with coping strategies.

Am glad Cruse have got back to you so quickly with an appt - that's good. I hope you "click" with the lady but don't worry if you don't, just tell them.
They usually have a box of tissues in their rooms but take some with you just in case.

Was just wondering the other day how you were doing. Must be so hard. Loving the fireworks thing in particular, great idea. Not keen on boats, so admire you braving that

she is coming to my house - said thats what they do now

That's convenient! And keeps you in a comfort zone, lets you be more yourself. I think that's a good thing. :)